'I've got to be out of my mind,' she thought to herself. After all these years she doubted that they could just pick up where they'd left off. "Barbara, I don't know if I can do this." a nervous Cathryn said.
"Are you nuts?" Barbara shot back. "You're the envy of every fifty-something woman I know!"
Cathryn knew she was lucky. For years she and most of the single women she knew had tried every conceivable way to meet men. She dated regularly, but could not find that one special someone with whom to share her life. She had all but given up hope, when Mr. Right dropped into her life - or actually back into it.
"You know I really can't believe this whole thing." Cathryn continued.
"I know what you mean," Barbara chuckled as she shook her head "truth really is stranger than fiction."
"It's been so long, Barbara. He just called out of the blue and asked if he could see me. What can he want after all this time? What if he wants to pick up where we left off?"
Her pulse quickened at the thought. Although she had never given voice to it, Cathryn had cherished a secret fantasy that one day he would return and bring with him the love that she'd only known with him.
"But worse yet," she continued, "what if he doesn't?"
Cathryn's self confidence wavered. Although it had been many years since she'd seen Stephen, he held a special place in her heart. In fact, if she were honest with herself, she would admit that he was the reason she never found a lifemate. She unconsciously compared every man she dated with Stephen and found all lacking in one way or another. The truth was she wanted the magic that was hers and Stephen's alone.
"Listen, Cathryn," Barbara began, "Stephen was always a kind and considerate man and he was crazy in love with you. I'm positive he stayed away from you all these years on purpose. Given the circumstances, he knew it would be difficult for you to see him again. Even more, I think it was too painful for him to see you if you couldn't be together. If he wants to see you now, you'd better believe he's got more on his mind than a casual visit."
"I'm not the same woman I was then." Cathryn said worriedly. "I want to live up to the memories of that wonderful time. When he looks at me, I want him to see the woman he loved. What if he takes one look and wonders what he ever saw in me?"
"Highly unlikely." said Barbara, Cathryn's closest friend for more than thirty years. "Take a good hard look at yourself." Barbara turned Cathryn toward the mirror. "So, what's not to like?"
As Cathryn looked at the woman in the mirror, she saw a well-kept woman of indeterminate middle age with auburn hair cut in a shoulder length bob, a creamy complexion and a trim figure. In her own deep blue eyes, she saw anticipation, confusion, exhilaration and fear. Most importantly, she saw that the real Cathryn hadn't changed at all.
"I guess I look okay for my age but the woman he knew was 35 not 53. Will he find the 'character' lines around my eyes attractive? And what will he think when my body proves to him that gravity exists?"
"Very funny. . . lighten up, okay?" Barbara said. "First of all, you definitely don't look your age - although there'd be nothing wrong with that. And don't forget, your Prince Charming is no longer a youth of 25."
"No, he isn't. But, at 43, Stephen is a virile man just coming into his prime." Her normally resilient self-confidence and positive outlook started to fade. "My head knows that time and age should not make a difference but my heart's not so sure," Cathryn said, biting her lower lip.
Barbara saw the faraway look in Cathryn's eyes and knew she was remembering. For a moment Cathryn drifted back 18 years; to a time when she and Stephen had been so in love, their lives so entwined, that they thought and acted as one. The love they shared had been so alive, it was almost tangible. She smiled at the memory. Then the ever present sadness intruded and squeezed her heart . The remembered pain of their separation was so strong that it still had the power to cripple her.
"We had to separate." Cathryn thought out loud.
"I know." Barbara whispered.
Aware that she had been day dreaming, Cathryn snapped back to the present.
"There was just no place in my life for children." she explained to her friend. "I was 35, had a successful career and no matter how much I loved Stephen, I did not want to have children." Not for the first time, her reasons sounded hollow to her own ears.
"It was a little more complicated than that," her friend gently reminded.
"I didn't realized it at the time;" Cathryn acknowledged. " I just never connected my mother's death in childbirth to my decision to remain childless."
Barbara looked sympathetic. "You were only 3 years old, who could know the impact it would have on you?
"All I knew was that my mother went to the hospital to have my baby sister and never came back. Obviously, it left a lasting impression - what happened to my mother was not going to happen to me."
"Most of the men I'd dated were thrilled that I didn't want kids, but I never loved any of them. No. . . I fell hopelessly in love with Stephen
"And he wanted children more than anything ," her friend supplied.
Cathryn paused, "Yes, he did. At 25, he felt his life was just beginning and could not imagine that life without a family. What we wanted, what we needed was just too different. So . . . we parted company."
But it hadn't been that easy. When she told him she could not, in good conscience, marry him knowing she would never give him children, he was heartbroken. Stephen begged and pleaded with her to reconsider having a family.
"Didn't Stephen suggest that you adopt if you couldn't or wouldn't have children of your own?" Barbara asked.
