Madi's head pounded. She couldn't concentrate. She couldn't breath. Darren was going to call her father, and she would be the fuck up again. Everything would crumble again. She couldn't have that. The tightening in her chest ripped through her torso, making her gasp. She gulped air as she paced, fingertips in her hair trying to do think desperately of what to say. Daddy, Darren's just mad at me for... Yeah, because that made a lot of fucking sense. There was nothing feasible. Dammit, there was nothing feasible. A hand rose to smack against the wall. The pacing became more frantic, she was walking circles. She sighed and dropped to the ground as the tears came again. She was walking in circles. It was all the same. It wasn't the line of a frequency, waving with dramatic up's and down's. It was a circle of madness that would never end. This was her life. Face fell to her knees as she sobbed, not even the throb of the earlier cuts giving her calm.
She didn't want to be anymore. She didn't want to be dead or alive or here or anywhere else. She wanted to vanish. She wanted to have never existed in the first place. Her mother had been right all those years ago, she was a mistake. She tried to swallow the painful lump in her throat but she could only sob. She could disappear. If not from herself than at least from everybody else. She rose,dragging a suitcase from her closet to the center of the room and throwing objects in it haphazardly. She would need money, and underwear, and.. what did you bring when you ran away? What was essential? Eyes fell to the picture of Dimitri on her nightstand, the glass spiderwebbed in the corner, the cracks that radiated from it streaking over his face. Fingertips ran over it gingerly, her sniffling making her torso rock back.
Dimitri watched with sad eyes as Madi stopped her frantic packing to spend such a tender moment on him. There was no way she didn't love him. There was no way she didn't care. When Darren had told him what was going on he didn't know what to feel. He was enraged, and upset, and he felt guilty. Even now, he felt guilty watching how frazzled she was. She had been so wrapped up in her own insanity she hadn't even noticed him watching. He cleared his throat, the only audible way to make his presence known when he was so unsure of what to say. She wheeled around, obviously frightened. Eyes were red and puffy, cheeks wet with sticky tears. She just stared at him, neck twisted to look back over her shoulder, fingertips falling from the frame to the surface of the nightstand.
"Where you going?" His voice was soft as he dared to take another step into the room. She was still and silent, almost equivalent to a deer in headlights. She was afraid. But of what? He took another tentative step forward, Darren's eye was quickly blackening where she had hit him and Dimitri did not want to suffer from the same fate.
Where was she going? She watched him. She didn't know. Not that it mattered. Hopefully she was going to the bottom of a river. That sounded wonderful right now, water making her hair weightless silk as she sunk wrecklessly, hands towards the surface, limbs unmoving. The wonderful weightlessness of giving up, or giving in. Giving in. She was giving in to her destiny. She didn't belong here, she didn't deserve this. "It doesn't matter."
"How can I write you if I don't know where you are?" He wasn't really sure where he was going with this. She was so fragile, filled with so many more hairline fissures he couldn't see from a distant. A decaying marble statue. She was a broken lamp glued back together only to have the process repeated countless times. Maybe he should have run right then, but those eyes. He could see through them, even now.
She wanted to fall apart. She wanted to come loose at the seams and let all her insides hang out. She wanted help figuring out how to put this all back together. But she wasn't anyone else's responsibility. nobody else could be held accountable for all things she was... or more accurately, all the things she wasn't. "I guess you can't." The words were quiet as she began to move once more, opening her drawer and rifling through her t-shirts. This was ridiculous. If she wasn't going home then she was staying here. He moved forward, a hand gripping her upper arm. Madi turned to look up at him, then down at her arm in his hand. "Please let go." He released her, gently tugging the t-shirts from her hand and putting them back in the drawer.
"Madi, you're not going." He settled on the bed, looking at her as she lifted the t-shirts again, settling them in her bag. "If you loved me, you wouldn't go." The words made her lungs burn. She felt tears welling up in her eyes, that was unfair. That wasn't a card you played. It wasn't acceptable. She took a deep breath, being sure her back was to him as she spoke. She didn't want to see his face again after these words left her mouth.
