Broen

Dimitri waited impatiently on his couch, the entire apartment was spotless, even his sock drawer was organized. At the moment he couldn't concentrate well enough to do any schoolwork. It was nearly four o'clock now, and Madi hadn't called him all day. He couldn't help but worry for her, he was anxious and he wasn't even the one who had to stand in front of a jury and recount a night that made his blood boil. He had thought vaguely of cooking Madi dinner, but he knew that being so distracted he'd most likely burn everything and have to order in anyway.

"No news, buddy?" Dimitri looked up to his roommate, Ryan. He was glad that both people he lived with had been understanding and accommodating to the mess he had been the past few days. Madi had insisted on going alone, despite his numerous offers to accompany her. He could only imagine what a wreck he looked, sitting on the couch, unshowered, still in ratty sweat pants and a beat up Yankees tee. He hadn't shaved, either. The rough stubble had grown into a moderate beard.

"Naw, bro." Dimitri just shook his head and sighed, throwing his arms out to collapse into the back of the couch. He shot Ryan a look as he heard him chuckle. "What?"

"I've just never seen you like this. It's not like she's wandering the streets by herself, they're in the courthouse. The cops are there, if he tries anything, maybe they'll tase him." Dimitri couldn't help but laugh at that. He sighed and shook his head.

"I know, man. I just..." He trailed off, stopping himself. There was a substitution somewhere behind his tongue. "I just want her to be alright." Ryan nodded, standing and patting his shoulder before turning and walking out of the room.

* * * * * * * * * *

Madi settled behind the wheel of her car. It seemed like days were 30 hours long now. She didn't have the energy to sit there and watch Karl's act. He was a talented motherfucker, to say the least. He had fooled her once. He just sat there, head bowed, looking like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Knuckles went white as she gripped the steering wheel and let out a guttural scream. Tears followed, head bowed as she sobbed into the leather. It was better to get it out now then to make Dimitri go through all this too.

He had been so sweet, but he looked exhausted and ragged as of late. He worried too much, she wasn't worth it. She felt selfish for keeping him at this point. The thought only made her sobs more intense, body shaking as pathetic sounds crept from her throat. Karl was right, she was useless, and petty, and stupid. She was dragging this wonderful boy down. It wasn't right. He didn't deserve to sit and worry, to lose sleep over something like her. What good was she? She breathed deeply, trying to calm herself. Dimitri would be waiting and her showing up upset would only worry him more.

She flipped down the visor mirror. It made her grimace, the way she looked. Eyes aqua against their red background, swollen. Thank G-d for being a stoner, she withdrew her visine, dropping each eye before taking a deep breath and turning the key in the ignition.

* * * * * * * * * *

Dimitri jumped when he heard the knock at the front door. For a moment he had thought about changing and shaving before she got there, she had commented on his appearance more than once over the past few days. He swung the door open. It always looked funny to him when she was actually dressed to be somewhere.

It wasn't that she didn't look adorable in her knee length skirt and the lightweight sweater, but she was so much more at home in a ripped pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt. He quickly backed up, letting her walk in.

"How'd it go?" She looked as though she'd been crying. He hated to see her cry. It tore him up somewhere between the top and bottom of his throat, made his lungs burn. His words were eager, his eyes bright with genuine curiosity. She was being selfish, she sighed audibly, biting her lip before turning to look at him.

"It was fine, but I think I'm just gunna go home." She looked… distraught. It was the face that usually came right before she buried her face in his shoulder and cried. At least if she were going to cry, he could be the one to comfort her. The only thing that broke him up more than her being so hurt was the thought of her coping alone.

"Oh, um, do you mind if I ask why?" He looked so confused; he was trying not to be hurt. She didn't think she could do this, but she had to.

"I don't think we should see each other anymore, Dimitri. I'm sorry I wasted your time." She barely finished the sentence before the tears grabbed her throat. She pushed past him as he stood in shock. What the fuck? Why wasn't he chasing after her? Why couldn't he move? He saw the blur of Ryan emerging from his room but his voice was muddled, as though they were under water. He felt him shake his shoulder, but he couldn't respond. His throat was so dry.

* * * * * * * * * *

Madi managed to make it home without crashing the car, although it was just barely. She quickly scurried into her bed, wrapping herself around a pillow and biting back tears. The bed still smelled like him, she could imagine just where he had been lying when they woke up in the morning. She had promised herself she wouldn't feel this again. She couldn't breathe as she felt her heart ripping apart in her chest. The silent tears that fell down her cheeks were more a reaction to the intense pain then the earlier events. She had done the right thing, though, and that was what was important.

She didn't know how long she had been asleep, but she stirred slowly, her body cold from the lack of another body in her bed. She sat up slowly, rolling to face away from the wall; sad to realize it hadn't just been a dream. Eyes fell on Dimitri's picture, a hand swatting at it, the sound of glass shattering making her jump.

She rose, stretching and heading towards the bathroom, taking a detour into the kitchen for a glass of water. Darren saw her from the front of the house. He shook his head and sighed. "Madi, girl, come in here." She sighed, Darren. Just what she wanted to hear now, some jackass shit or stupid joke. She loved him but sometimes she just wasn't in the mood. She slowly walked into the kitchen, leaning against the door's frame and looking at him. "Dimitri's been by like five times and when I told him you were still asleep he didn't want to disturb you. He says he's sorry for anything he did that hurt you, and to call him. That's all I'm going to say. But, really, call him. You don't look any happier than he does." She just stood there, looking at the floor as she ran her fingertip around the bottom of her glass. "If you're gunna break a guy's heart he should at least know why." He stood then, walking back into his bedroom, leaving her alone to contemplate his words.

He couldn't understand, and Dimitri would just make her believe she was doing the wrong thing when she knew better. Sure, he thought he wanted to be with her, but if he really knew her, he'd run. Someday, when he was married to some gorgues blonde number in a big house in the suburbs, he would thank her. Really, she knew he would. And as for her…. Well, some people just didn't deserve to be happy. Maybe she had been shitty to someone in her past life.

Loneliness swelled somewhere in her chest and she could only sigh to relieve the pressure. She fought the tears, and then gave in. She was too tired to go through the effort of constructing her mask. Feet carried her into the bathroom, quickly undressing and flipping on the shower's spray to something just short of scalding. Madi curled up in a ball on the bathtub floor and sobbed, letting the water turn her hair into a wet mess that hid her face. Slowly the tub filled, bad piping left the plumbing in her apartment somewhere between entirely worthless and less than mediocre. Her razor floated between her legs and a gasp broke through her sobs. Should she? Could she? She had abandoned that so long ago.

She sighed, lifting the razor to her thigh and pressing down. Sudden calm engulfed her as the sting radiated up her spine. The water surrounding her turned pink as she made a few more choice cuts and watched herself bleed. She could breathe again without it hurting. She would get past this, just like everything else, as long as she could find this place, this trance. She watched as her melancholy spun above the drain, a hand rising to cut the water as she lifted herself from the tub.