"So then he just walked away?"
Katie nodded at her friend, biting her lip and struggling not to cry.
"He didn't say anything else?"
"No, Sarah, I told you he just said, 'apparently I am' and walked out the door," she said, a little harsher than she intended, but the flash of irritation held back her tears.
Katie had been holed up in her apartment for the last week, had even called in sick to work the first few days to avoid having to see anyone. Then this morning Sarah had come banging her door down insisting she come eat breakfast with her and demanding to know what had happened. Mike wouldn't tell Caleb anything other than that they had split up and she insisted Katie provide the details over pancakes and coffee.
"You're such an idiot."
Katie's hand froze on the way to her mouth with her mug of coffee. "What?"
"I'm serious. You have this gorgeous, sweet, funny guy jumping through hoops for you, bending over backwards to try to be the man you need him to be and you don't want him."
"But I do want him."
"I guarantee that's not the impression he's getting."
"I know, but maybe that's for the best, you know? Maybe he's better off without me."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Sarah looked sincerely shocked at her words.
"I don't know Sarah, I'm not the easiest person to be around. He's so...well, just like you said, gorgeous, sweet, funny. Sometimes I just think maybe I'm bringing him down, you know? Like he'd be happier with someone who can be happy with him."
Sarah just stared at her for a moment and then shook her head. "Look, I'm not stupid. I'm well aware that there's a huge part of yourself that you keep hidden from me-"
"I'm sorry," Katie murmured, her eyes filling with tears.
"No, I'm okay with that, I don't have to know everything about you to be your friend. I love the parts of you that you do share with me. Most of them, anyway," she added with a wry smile.
"But you need at least one person in your life that knows you and accepts you for everything that you are, the good and the bad. Hell, everybody needs that, it's just most people have it their whole lives so they take it for granted. You're so used to not having it that you think you don't deserve it. But you do, Katie. You deserve to have that. And Mike wants to be that person for you. He's trying so hard. Even though you keep pushing him away he keeps trying. Why would he do that?"
"I don't know," she said, transfixed by Sarah's out-of-character insights.
"Because he loves you, you idiot. If you'd let him in he'd be able to prove it to you."
"But what if I let him in and he realizes he doesn't love me after all."
"Then that would really suck. But what if you let him in and he realizes he loves you even more? Give him some credit. Don't make that decision for him. Don't pass up the chance to be happy, to make him happy, just because you're scared."
Katie sipped her coffee as she absorbed Sarah's words, turning them over and over in her mind as she slowly realized the truth in them. With that realization came the fear that it was already too late.
"I really messed up didn't I?"
"It sounds like you hurt him pretty bad. Caleb says he's been a total asshole at work."
Katie cringed at that. He must be in bad shape if he was acting like an asshole. It just wasn't in his nature.
"What do you think I should do?"
"You can start by telling him you aren't settling for him, which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Seriously, where do guys get this shit? Their egos are so damn fragile. Start with fixing that. Then apologize and tell him that you love him, too. Once you have that down maybe you guys can figure out how to work out the rest."
Katie opened her mouth to say that she didn't love him, but the words stuck in her throat. She thought about how safe and calm he always made her feel, how her first thoughts in the morning and her last thoughts at night were about him, how she felt like part of her had been torn away since he'd left.
She needed him in a way that she'd never needed anyone else. Since her mother died there hadn't been a single person in her life that she had let herself feel this kind of connection to, and though her instinct was to sever that connection so she wouldn't be vulnerable to the pain it could bring her she was starting to realize that it was a risk she wanted to take. He was worth it.
"I do love him."
"No shit."
"Why am I paying a therapist when I can just talk to you for free?"
"You're in therapy?"
"Yeah. I'll tell you about it one day soon. There are a lot of things I think I need to tell you about."
"Well, I'm ready to listen whenever."
Katie reached across the table and took her friend's hand, squeezing hard. "I know. Thanks."
...
Katie felt like her heart was beating in her throat as she approached his door. She pulled at the hem of her sundress, feeling self-conscious about her choice of attire. As if wearing a dress was gonna make any difference, especially when she felt silly in it.
She stood there for several minutes staring at the numbers on his door and trying to get a hold of herself before finally deciding she just needed to do it and get it over with. It had already been three days since she talked to Sarah; she'd put it off long enough.
The urge to run overtook her before the knock stopped echoing in the hallway, but she dug her fingernails into her palms and forced herself to stay. Even when Mike opened the door wearing nothing but his jeans and the shocked look on his face told her she was the last person he expected to see.
"Hey," she said, lamely.
"Hey," he replied.
God, he looked good. After only a couple of weeks she'd forgotten how he could take her breath away even when he was all rumpled and messy...especially when he was all rumpled and messy.
"Are you alright? You look like you're about to throw up."
Katie shook her head no, but wasn't quite sure herself whether she meant no everything wasn't alright or no she wasn't about to throw up. She noted the half-empty glass of amber liquid in his hand and the way he swayed on his feet and realized he was drunk.
He hadn't invited her in, but rather than try to figure out whether it was a bad time and potentially have to come back and do this all over again she decided to just say what she needed to say and get it over with. Come what may.
"I wasn't settling for you," she blurted. "I know you're probably way past wanting to deal with me and all my bullshit after how I acted, but I couldn't let you walk away thinking that you weren't enough for me when it was the exact opposite. Ever since that night you came to me out on that overlook after I freaked out and busted your lip I thought you were too forgiving, too sweet, too good-looking..."
She trailed off for a moment letting her eyes drift from the stunned look on his face down to his bare chest. She shook herself and continued, "Too good for me. I felt like I didn't deserve you and I just knew that any minute you'd come to your senses and realize how messed up I really was. So I kept looking for reasons to think you weren't that great. I think maybe so it wouldn't hurt so much when you left. But it didn't work. It's still not working. And even though I realize it's probably too late I just needed you to know that I never felt like I was settling for you. And that I'm sorry I hurt you."
She took a deep breath before forcing herself to say the hardest part. "And that I love you, too."
Mike stepped toward her through the open door and opened his mouth to speak, but before he formed the words Katie heard a voice from behind him.
"What the hell is taking so long? Don't tell me they brought the wrong pizza again," a short blonde woman said as she walked out of the living room into the hallway. For a moment no one moved or spoke, as if they were all frozen staring at each other; Katie at the woman, Mike at Katie.
"Oh wow," Katie whispered, then glanced at Mike who was shaking his head and reaching for her as she backed away. "I'm so sorry." Then she bolted.
The elevator at the end of the hall got closer and closer, though she could barely see it through the tears. She banged on the button a couple of times before giving up and turning toward the door to the stairwell. Just as she made it she found her way blocked by a large bare chest.
"Katie, stop for a second and listen to me."
God, she didn't want to hear it; couldn't hear it. "Please Mike, just let me go. You don't owe me any explanations," she said, dodging around him and through the door trying not to let him see her tears.
"The fuck I don't," he said angrily, following her into the stairwell and blocking her way again with his hand on the wall next to her. "Stop selling me short, goddammit. You show up at my door not even two weeks after I tell you I'm in love with you and see another woman in my apartment and you say I don't owe you an explanation?"
He put his hands on her cheeks and tilted her face up so he could see her eyes. His sigh drifted over her face as he wiped the tears off her cheeks with his thumbs. "You think you don't deserve an explanation."
His body swayed toward her, his hands still on her face, the look in his blue eyes scorching her heart. She could smell the whiskey on his breath and her whole body ached to close the inches between them and kiss him, to wrap her arms around his neck and anchor herself to him. She shook her head at the futility of her desire.
And then he was kissing her, leaning against her, surrounding her and pressing her into the wall. For a few minutes she didn't think about anything else, just how wonderful it felt to have him here, his body against her, his lips on hers, his tongue diving into her mouth to taste her. At the moment she would take him any way she could get him, even with another woman waiting for him in his apartment.
