I was never very comfortable in my sexuality. No matter who I slept with I was always horribly nervous beforehand and ashamed afterward. Sex was dirty to me, even though I was somewhat of a slut in college. Not to say that I didn't love sex, especially sexual gratification, that wonderful euphoria of an orgasm, but it was something that made me feel uncomfortable, something immoral. Catholic school will do that to you.
When I was out on my own for the first time in my life, I went wild. Every month there was a new one night stand, a new guy to avoid eye contact with on campus or in class. I loved sex, it interested and intrigued me, but I never knew what I wanted, I never felt good enough-like the person I was with settled for me. I liked losing my inhibitions and finding someone to lose them with, but when it happened, I never wanted to think about it or remember it again. Guys in college love women like that, so there was always someone to go home to, but never someone who called me again the next day or even stuck around for coffee. These are not the kind of guys to fall in love with, they were simply filling a void. It was strictly fucking-passionate, wild, animal sex without any emotional attachment.
This insecurity and promiscuity all changed at a dinner party for a friend's birthday. They are infamous for trying to set me up, but this time, it actually worked. I was seated next to James who was an artist and a writer, two professions I highly admire. From first glance he sent shivers down my spine like little electric pulses making my hair stand on end. He intrigued me with his haunting green eyes, his dark curly hair, full pink lips, not to mention we talked for hours, intellectual stimulation really gets my juices flowing. After we both had a few drinks he asked to walk me home. At my door I expected that he would come upstairs, another in a string of one night stands I would never speak to again. He ever so gently kissed my hand and asked if he could see me again. An actual date? Wow. We arranged to meet downtown two days later, on Saturday afternoon. He told me our date was a surprise. I waited in bated breath.
Saturday came and I primped like none other. I shaved, waxed and wore my black lace Victoria secret bra with matching thong and garter belt. I considered them lucky. When I met him, he gently kissed me on the lips and led me to the park. He had set up a wonderful picnic lunch with promises of much more to come. He then took me to the art museum where we spent what seemed like hours discussing favorite paintings and artists. It was the perfect afternoon. After the museum, he shocked me a little bit, although at that point I was in such a blissful state of mind I did not realize it at the time. He took my hand, kissed it and whispered, "I want t satisfy you like no one ever has before. You're such a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful woman, I promise it will be an experience you will never forget."
