The rain had been pouring down well before we started walking just after 8 this morning so at our mid-afternoon break no one bothered to seek shelter; wet is wet.
She was off to the side studying the fast-flowing waters of a swollen stream, as anti-social as always (and as anti-social as I usually am). I went over and used my friendliest voice. "I'm betting you don't dislike us all, it's that you're an introvert, am I right? You like people but in small doses." She had been constantly alone over the first three days of our five day walk; others had tried to engage her but with no success.
She looked at me a bit confused, then smiled shyly and turned away.
She usually trailed behind on the walk so now I did too, not wanting to talk, just wanting to send her a message that I was there. I have a lot of sympathy for people like her. The world is filled with extroverts who trample over us intros. Some of us manage to fight back a little; she doesn't seem to be one of them.
This was going to be the only night on the walk when we'd be staying in a village large enough for more than one pub so when we reached our destination I asked her if she would have dinner with me. She hesitated but half-smiled, what I took for a yes. I pointed to the pub across from where we would be staying. "How about there at 6:30."
She nodded and followed the group into our accommodations for the night. It was still raining.
In fact, it had been raining constantly during our guided walk through a small section of northern England so what should have been a stroll through a very pretty countryside turned into a bit of a slog with all eight of us recognizable only by our approximate body shape and the colour of our rain gear.
In dry sportswear her body appeared femininely athletic β lithe; she must be a runner.
"I never run. I walk. I go on these little walks for the exercise ... and they take me away from my world, they energize me."
I learned over our halting, almost painful conversation that her world is in finance: she is an accountant for a large investment firm which, in return for a fat paycheque, takes all her available time. "It's not their fault, it's mine. I let them ... I have nothing else to do."
You can't expect scintillating conversations from two introverts who just met but even so, getting anything out of her was harder than the worst parts of the walk. When the dinner was finally done I extricated myself cheerfully, "I'll let you get back to yourself β I'll go to my room, lie down, read my map for tomorrow and pray for us all for sunshine."
I did. I stretched this into an hour before I started thinking about her, just a few rooms down the hall. It was only 8:30, what was she doing? I pictured her sitting on her bed hugging her knees to her chest looking out the rain splattered window into the dark English night.
I'm usually pretty good with needy people. I'm a good questioner, a good listener and my empathy is usually genuine. Still, my 'conversation' with her at dinner had been a complete failure. I knew little about her; I had no idea what her problem was, only that she certainly seemed to have one. It bothered me.
I would have gone out for a stroll if it wasn't raining so, instead, I decided on a couple of beers downstairs in the bar. But I didn't make it. As I passed her room I impulsively knocked and waited thinking she could use a little human contact. And I hated that I had failed before.
She opened the door an inch. "I was going down for a beer and wondered it you might like to join me."
She opened the door a little further; she was in pyjamas, she seemed to blush. "Thank you, but no."
I stood stupidly as if this rejection needed time to sink in then I said, "OK," and turned to depart. I made it a few paces down the hall when I thought I heard her say something. I stopped and looked back. She was part way into the hall looking at me.
"Excuse me," I said.
"I have a bottle of fruit juice."
"Oh."
"Would you like it?"
She looked pathetically sad, or was I imagining it? "Sure." I walked back and followed her into her room which was no bigger than mine, meaning that, along with a single-size bed and night table, there was one wooden chair, a tiny TV mounted high in a corner and a radiator on which, like in probably every other room in the pub, a variety of clothes were draped. When I sat in the chair she handed me a dark red-coloured drink in a plastic bottle with a wide mouth. I said 'cheers' and took a sip as she sat on the bed facing me; looking at me expectantly, as if there was something important I had to impart.
I had nothing. "I knocked on your door because I thought you might like some company," I said after a long and embarrassing silence. And then I realized the implication and blushed. She was dressed in thin pyjamas; her underwear was in full display on the radiator; she was obviously uncomfortable.
I hadn't noticed before how truly sad her eyes are. "Do YOU want company?" She asked. "I never think of company as an option."
The truth always serves. "I wasn't happy with our conversation at dinner. I'm usually more ... affable than I was. I guess I'm looking for a second chance."
"No, it wasn't you, it was me. I'm a lousy conversationalist."
"Why?"
"Lack of practise ... lack of interest. I'm never going to see you again after this trip so why should I take an interest in you?"
"I'm going to be in London for two days, three nights. I hoped I could take you out to dinner or to a play or something." I made this up to cover my embarrassment; I found her words really cutting.
This confused her. "Why would you want to do that? Then you'd be going back to America ..."
"Canada."
"And I'd never see you again."
When I stood up I jammed my head on the edge of the TV stand above me and buckled over in pain. She jumped up to help. I had a little blood on my hand which she noticed and quickly got some toilet paper. I dabbed the wound. The major pain subsided in a few minutes.
I was still rubbing the spot when I looked at her. I was a little pissed. "I knocked on your door to offer some company," I said, anxious to get out of there. "If you don't want any, good, fine, I'll go downstairs and have a beer."
"People don't knock on my door to offer me company."
"I did."
"I know, I didn't ... don't know how to handle it."
I was still a bit pissed; it was the pain. "Handle it honestly. If you don't want my company, say so, if you do, try to be sociable ... I believe that's the way it's supposed work. I'm no expert."