Chapter One: The Biter
"He bit me!" Says Frances Berry to the female police officer interviewing her. There are tears in her eyes as fake as her 38DD breast implants.
It is eight o'clock at night. Standing are her apartment is Frances, her boyfriend Kurt MacAlroy and two police officers, one male, one female.
She's called the police claiming Kurt has assaulted her and destroyed her television.
The female police officer glances at her male partner who then turns to Kurt MacAlroy and asks, "Is that true?"
A look of frustration appears on Kurt's face but he doesn't deny it. Instead, with surprising calm, he politely requests, "Please read me my rights now."
The male police officer studies Kurt a few seconds, then does as requested. "Once Kurt acknowledges that he understands them, the officer asks again, "Well, did you bite her?"
Kurt answers, "No!"
"Then how did I get this?" Demands Frances as she reaches up with both hands and pulls down the top hymn of her strapless blouse, fully exposing both breasts. There is a large bite mark around the aureole of her left breast and a smaller bite to the right, just below the larger one.
Wisely, Kurt responds, "I have nothing else to say until I've seen a lawyer!" and of course, he goes straight to jail.
As he sits there in his cell, Kurt replays the night's events in his mind.
He'd arrived home from work to find Francis sitting at the kitchen table. Kurt knew something was wrong because she was smoking, a habit Francis only returned to when under stress.
"I've called the police. Either leave or go to jail." She told to him coldly as soon as he walked in the door.
Confused and having no idea what's going on, he asked, "What did I do?"
"Before or after you destroyed the television?" Replied Francis.
Kurt walked to the doorway leading to the living-room and looked at the television. There was a fist-sized hole in its screen. "I didn't do that!"
"I know and, you didn't hit me either but the police don't know that." She looked at her watch. "They'll be here any minute. If you're here when they arrive, I'm going to tell them we were arguing over the rent when you attacked me so, you might want to leave before they get here."
Knowing the police will probably take her word over his, Kurt decides to do as she suggests. It is while he was trying to gather a few of his clothes that the police arrived and Francis made good on her threat.
When he gets to the police station, the attorney he calls is Nora Peabody. The city's best criminal defense attorney and a life long friend.
Two hours later a young male deputy sheriff steppes to the cell door and yells...
"MacAlroy, You're free to go."
This surprises Kurt. "I am? Are you sure?"
"Is there another Kurt MacAlroy here?" Since the cell is empty, they both know there isn't.
Ten minutes later, having been processed out, Kurt exits the side door of the jail.
There is only one car in the parking lot. It is a recent model gold Mustang; Nora is inside waiting for him.
Chapter Two: The Better
Kurt begins talking as soon as he gets in the car. "Jesus Nora, what am I going to do?"
"Don't worry about it. The bitch will be needing bail money before the end of the day!" Reassures Nora as she turns the ignition key, starting the Mustang's engine.
He buckles his seat-belt. "What makes you say that? It's her word against mine and she has those damn bite marks to back her story!"
"She does; doesn't she? Next time, nibble. You do know how to nibble don't you?" Nora says, jokingly as she puts the car in 'drive' and pulls out of the parking lot.
Kurt answers, "Of course I..." and stops. She's making light of the situation. She laughs. "Really?" He asks.
"Then how did she get them?" The question is not meant to be serious.
Nora slows down to allow a police car to pass her.
Defensively, he replies, "Hell I don't know; all I can tell you is it wasn't me!" He's turning red in the face.
She sees it out of the corner of her eye.
"Relax. I believe you. You're too straight."
Kurt is offended, but doesn't know why and asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"You covered your eyes during the spanking scenes in Fifty Shades of Gray." She reminds him.
Depressed, he tells her, "That doesn't make me any less screwed!"
"Wanna bet?"
He wonders what she is talking about. "Bet? Bet on what?"
"That you aren't as screwed as you think you are. If you win, I'll let you stay in the garage apartment rent free until you can afford to move; if I win, you and I go out on a date... not just a movie but a real date."
He doesn't understand. "Huh? That's pretty high stakes. I'm flattered but, why me? We go out together all the time. I know you must get asked out on dates by lots of guys. Why don't you go out with one of them?"
"I could but, after my last date, I don't feel as safe as I used to."
Curious, he asks, "Why?"
"It was a total disaster. The guy who asked me out took me to a night club and left with someone else while I was in the lady's room."
Nora stops for a red light that changes suddenly.
Kurt puts his hand on the dash to keep from being thrown forward. "Bummer!"
"You haven't heard the rest of it. The someone else he left with was a man. He was gay."
They watch a yellow Yugo run a red light. "How did you find out?" He inquires.
"The bartender saw them leave together and told me about it. He, my date that is, wasn't a total asshole though. Two days later he sent me a dozen roses and a very nice, hand written apology letter in which he confessed that the only reason he asked me out was to prove to himself that he wasn't gay. The note said that it wasn't my fault and that, if he had wanted to be with a woman, I would have been the one."
With just a hint of sarcasm in his voice, Kurt says, "That was kind of him." and then changes the subject. "So, what do you want to do on this date?"
"Go out to dinner and then come back to my house and..."
Sure he knows what she is about to say, Kurt interrupts her. "You can stop right there; I'm not going to have sex with you! We grew up together and you're like a big sister to me. It wouldn't be right."
"You didn't let me finish, that's not what I was going to say."
Apprehensively, he says, "I'm listening."
"I was about to tell you that I want to do everything but have sex."