Chapter One: The Biter
"He bit me!" Says Frances Berry to the female police officer interviewing her. There are tears in her eyes as fake as her 38DD breast implants.
It is eight o'clock at night. Standing are her apartment is Frances, her boyfriend Kurt MacAlroy and two police officers, one male, one female.
She's called the police claiming Kurt has assaulted her and destroyed her television.
The female police officer glances at her male partner who then turns to Kurt MacAlroy and asks, "Is that true?"
A look of frustration appears on Kurt's face but he doesn't deny it. Instead, with surprising calm, he politely requests, "Please read me my rights now."
The male police officer studies Kurt a few seconds, then does as requested. "Once Kurt acknowledges that he understands them, the officer asks again, "Well, did you bite her?"
Kurt answers, "No!"
"Then how did I get this?" Demands Frances as she reaches up with both hands and pulls down the top hymn of her strapless blouse, fully exposing both breasts. There is a large bite mark around the aureole of her left breast and a smaller bite to the right, just below the larger one.
Wisely, Kurt responds, "I have nothing else to say until I've seen a lawyer!" and of course, he goes straight to jail.
As he sits there in his cell, Kurt replays the night's events in his mind.
He'd arrived home from work to find Francis sitting at the kitchen table. Kurt knew something was wrong because she was smoking, a habit Francis only returned to when under stress.
"I've called the police. Either leave or go to jail." She told to him coldly as soon as he walked in the door.
Confused and having no idea what's going on, he asked, "What did I do?"
"Before or after you destroyed the television?" Replied Francis.
Kurt walked to the doorway leading to the living-room and looked at the television. There was a fist-sized hole in its screen. "I didn't do that!"
"I know and, you didn't hit me either but the police don't know that." She looked at her watch. "They'll be here any minute. If you're here when they arrive, I'm going to tell them we were arguing over the rent when you attacked me so, you might want to leave before they get here."
Knowing the police will probably take her word over his, Kurt decides to do as she suggests. It is while he was trying to gather a few of his clothes that the police arrived and Francis made good on her threat.
When he gets to the police station, the attorney he calls is Nora Peabody. The city's best criminal defense attorney and a life long friend.
Two hours later a young male deputy sheriff steppes to the cell door and yells...
"MacAlroy, You're free to go."
This surprises Kurt. "I am? Are you sure?"
"Is there another Kurt MacAlroy here?" Since the cell is empty, they both know there isn't.
Ten minutes later, having been processed out, Kurt exits the side door of the jail.
There is only one car in the parking lot. It is a recent model gold Mustang; Nora is inside waiting for him.
Chapter Two: The Better
Kurt begins talking as soon as he gets in the car. "Jesus Nora, what am I going to do?"
"Don't worry about it. The bitch will be needing bail money before the end of the day!" Reassures Nora as she turns the ignition key, starting the Mustang's engine.
He buckles his seat-belt. "What makes you say that? It's her word against mine and she has those damn bite marks to back her story!"
"She does; doesn't she? Next time, nibble. You do know how to nibble don't you?" Nora says, jokingly as she puts the car in 'drive' and pulls out of the parking lot.
Kurt answers, "Of course I..." and stops. She's making light of the situation. She laughs. "Really?" He asks.
"Then how did she get them?" The question is not meant to be serious.
Nora slows down to allow a police car to pass her.
Defensively, he replies, "Hell I don't know; all I can tell you is it wasn't me!" He's turning red in the face.
She sees it out of the corner of her eye.
"Relax. I believe you. You're too straight."
Kurt is offended, but doesn't know why and asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"You covered your eyes during the spanking scenes in Fifty Shades of Gray." She reminds him.
Depressed, he tells her, "That doesn't make me any less screwed!"
"Wanna bet?"
He wonders what she is talking about. "Bet? Bet on what?"
"That you aren't as screwed as you think you are. If you win, I'll let you stay in the garage apartment rent free until you can afford to move; if I win, you and I go out on a date... not just a movie but a real date."
He doesn't understand. "Huh? That's pretty high stakes. I'm flattered but, why me? We go out together all the time. I know you must get asked out on dates by lots of guys. Why don't you go out with one of them?"
"I could but, after my last date, I don't feel as safe as I used to."
Curious, he asks, "Why?"
"It was a total disaster. The guy who asked me out took me to a night club and left with someone else while I was in the lady's room."
Nora stops for a red light that changes suddenly.
Kurt puts his hand on the dash to keep from being thrown forward. "Bummer!"
"You haven't heard the rest of it. The someone else he left with was a man. He was gay."
They watch a yellow Yugo run a red light. "How did you find out?" He inquires.
"The bartender saw them leave together and told me about it. He, my date that is, wasn't a total asshole though. Two days later he sent me a dozen roses and a very nice, hand written apology letter in which he confessed that the only reason he asked me out was to prove to himself that he wasn't gay. The note said that it wasn't my fault and that, if he had wanted to be with a woman, I would have been the one."
With just a hint of sarcasm in his voice, Kurt says, "That was kind of him." and then changes the subject. "So, what do you want to do on this date?"
"Go out to dinner and then come back to my house and..."
Sure he knows what she is about to say, Kurt interrupts her. "You can stop right there; I'm not going to have sex with you! We grew up together and you're like a big sister to me. It wouldn't be right."
"You didn't let me finish, that's not what I was going to say."
Apprehensively, he says, "I'm listening."
"I was about to tell you that I want to do everything but have sex."
That really makes him suspicious. "Everything? What do you mean 'everything'?"
"You know... dinner, a movie, come back here neck a little, enjoy some foreplay on the bed..." She pauses briefly, "naked."
Her intention is clear and he tells her. "Naked foreplay is sex!"
"No it's not! Foreplay is exactly what the word implies; it's what happens before sex. The word comes from the theatrical terms 'fore' and 'play' and was used in the late 19th century to refer to the time before a play started. Now the word is most commonly used to refer to what people do before having sexual intercourse, which we both know is technically defined as heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis."
Kurt insists, "I don't care about the technical definition, two people engaging in naked foreplay is sex to me!"
"Would you agree that were one of them clothed they couldn't possibly have sex?"
Not being a lawyer, he doesn't think the question through. "I guess so."
"Then when I collect on the bet, I'll be clothed, agreed?"
Kurt reiterates, "As long as there's a clear understanding we aren't having sex."
"Which you agree is penetration of the vagina by the penis, right?"
He does.
"Fine, I'll pick you up after work tonight."
This surprises him. "Huh?"
"I talked to the D.A. After she looked at the police report, she called the detective in charge of the case and told him to have Francis come in so they could take photos of the bite marks. When the female officer they sent by told Francis I was going to have a plaster casting made of your teeth and compare the two, Francis refused. The officer asked her why and Francis tried to give her some lame excuse so, the officer pressed her. That's she came clean and said Billy did it."
Kurt thinks. "Billy? Wait, the only Billy I know is her second cousin; you can't be talking about him!"
"The very same. Apparently, Francis and Billy have been screwing regularly for the past year. My guess is he got tired of waiting for her to make up her mind about who she wanted and bit her in a place she'd never be able to explain to you, marking his territory so to speak and forcing her to choose."
Events become clearer to him. "That explains why we kept having to buy so many condoms. I thought she was giving them to that deadbeat son of hers. It also explains all those other bite marks she kept coming home with. To think I believed her when she said her sister's dog was doing it." Kurt yawns. "So, where do you want to have dinner?"
"We'll be eating at Momma Changs." Momma Changs is a Chinese-Soul Food restaurant owned and operated by a half-Asian, half Jamaican woman.
Chapter Three -- The Boner
Later that night...
The food is bad, the movie is worse and the time comes for their 'date' to move to another location, her house, which they do.
After they go inside, she serves them each a drink and they sit on the couch talking just like any other couple after a night out. Finally, she says to him, "This bra is killing me. Come on, I want to change into something comfortable."
Drink in hand, Kurt follows her to the master bedroom.
The room contains a king size bed with matching nightstands on each side. On each nightstand is a lamp and in each corner next to the nightstands is a chair.
As she goes into the bathroom to change, Nora calls to him, "Why don't you turn down the lights and get undressed?"
Nora re-enters the room three minutes later to find the overhead light is off and the room is illuminated by the lamp on her nightstand. Kurt is laying on the right side of the bed with the sheet covering him below the waist like a security blanket. Across the back of the chair are his neatly folded clothes and under the bed are his shoes. There is a look of be-wonderment on his face.
Nora smiles, the sheet doesn't prevent the outline of his muscular legs and visible chest hair from fueling her imagination.
Kurt sits up on the bed as soon as he sees what Nora is wearing. She has on a micro-thin, skin-colored latex jump suit that is so transparent she might as well be wearing nothing at all.
