Betrayal And Healing

To all the betrayed; may they find powerful love again!

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"I want a divorce."

I had just walked in the door after work. My wife, Heidi, was in the kitchen and I walked over to kiss her, something I had done every day since we married just over seven years before. She stopped me by putting her hand on my chest and keeping me at a distance.

Then that cold statement. A divorce? I was happy and loved being married to Heidi.

"Heidi, why? Have I done something?"

She was crying.

"No, Tom. It's not you at all. Look, we've tried to be honest with each other, so I owe you that, even though it's the hardest thing I've ever had to face up to.

"I've been having an affair."

Talk about a punch to the gut! I did not see that coming.

"I feel terrible about it, but I'm in love and want to marry him. I need to marry him."

I stood, staring at her and not knowing what to say.

"Are you pregnant?"

She was sobbing now.

"I don't want to hurt you, Tom, but yes, I'm pregnant. I'm not going to ask you to forgive me, because you will never trust me again."

What hurt most about that little tidbit is her prior refusal to consider having children. She was on the pill, except about two months ago she said she had a prescription for medication her doctor said would cause her birth control pills to lose effectiveness. I had to use a condom for a while.

It appears someone else didn't get the memo!

Heidi and I dated in college and through law school for me and the MBA program for her. She was a year behind me as an undergraduate, so my three years of law school ended at the same time as her two seeking an MBA. We married just after we both graduated.

I had a job offer from the largest law firm in Seattle and was quickly making almost $200,000 annually. The year before Heidi's big announcement, I had been made a partner in the firm, one of the youngest in the firm's history. My income increased each year, but now I also received profit distributions.

Heidi accepted a marketing position with a large manufacturer of consumer goods, in one of its division headquarters, tasked with marketing to three of the largest retail chains in the country, and coordinating marketing calendars.

Everything was going well. At least that's what I thought.

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The divorce was not difficult. We split the equity in the home, but that meant I needed to pay her $125,000. We split the cash in the bank and investments. She offered me five years to pay the $125k. She also waived in writing any claim to my 401(k). She called me to tell me she was going to do that, because it was her way of apologizing and recognizing I was not at fault.

I was 29 and single again. My professional life was all roses, but my private life--my personal life--was a disaster.

I couldn't wrap my head around dating again! I went to a local bar a couple of times, but between the girls obviously looking to get laid that night and the ones who were simply too empty-headed to carry on a conversation, it always ended in frustration.

I thought of an ad on a dating site but quickly rejected the idea of putting a photo out there for other attorneys to see. Humiliation waited around that bend.

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It had been two full years. I paid Heidi off early--she had given birth to a boy and was pregnant again! My income had shot up, partly due to two large new clients who paid a healthy annual retainer to act as corporate counsel, without the full expense of an in-house attorney.

I also landed a large client who needed to sue another corporate entity over a breach of contract by the other party. It had been going on for a year, with no sign of a resolution short of court. I had already billed over $100,000 for my work, and the client paid promptly upon receipt of each invoice. What I had billed was not much considering that was at stake. If we won, and I thought we would, my client stood to recover about $12.5 million in damages.

I was pleased with my career, and the firm was doing exceptionally well. We had recently decided to hire only one new associate that year--we normally hired a minimum of three. Frankly, we had hired too well in the past couple of years. We almost always lost one in the first year. Someone who just couldn't cut practicing law. In the past two years, no one had left, so there would only be one now.

I was not part of the hiring committee. The first time I saw Mariah Mendel was when she was introduced at a partner meeting. She had graduated summa cum laude from Stanford and had been editor of the Law Review. Superb academic achievements.

She was also cute. Maybe that's a poor word in the PC world to describe a woman who was clearly poised for greatness in the practice of law, but I wasn't describing her to anyone else. Just to myself.

Cute worked for me. Perhaps even beautiful.

I was in for a surprise. Our firm had a New Associate Mentoring Program, as is common in large firms. Mentoring new attorneys is a requirement of our state bar association. One attorney, Joyce, with the assistance of her paralegal, ran the program.

Joyce knocked on my door the day after Mariah was introduced.

"Come in, Joyce. Have a seat. What can I help you with?"

She closed the door and sat across the desk from me.

"I have something of a dilemma, and I need some assistance."

"Anything."

"My first instinct was to assign another female attorney to mentor Mariah, but after visiting with her, I'm worried she might see that as me being more concerned about her gender than the mentoring fit. Frankly, it probably is.

"Without sharing details, I have concerns about the women I would normally consider as mentors. On the other hand, there are some challenges only women in the profession understand fully. Thankfully, those challenges are receding somewhat.

"Tom, cutting to the chase, I've concluded you are the best person to mentor Mariah."

I was dumbstruck!

"Joyce, I've never mentored anyone."

"You were the recipient of excellent mentoring by Don Beckwith."

"That's true. He was marvelous."

"Two pieces of advice: remember what he did and emulate it and come to my one-hour training for mentors. I'm holding it tomorrow, but you can pick the time. This year you will be my only mentor. I can assure you, after mentoring three attorneys myself, you will find this a hugely rewarding experience.

"Will you do it?"

I paused, wondering whether I should confess to thinking Mariah was cute. Not going there!

"I will. I hope I thank you later for the opportunity."

Joyce laughed. "If you are serious about mentoring, you will thank me. I'm meeting with Mariah this afternoon and will bring her by to introduce you."

So it was that with a knock on the door and a brief introduction, Mariah and I sat across my desk from each other.

"Mariah, it's always my policy to be completely open with fellow attorneys in this firm. I've never been a mentor, but I was mentored by an excellent attorney. I'm to receive training tomorrow from Joyce, so I hope I feel more confidence after that."

Mariah smiled--a beautiful smile. "You may not have experience as a mentor, but I have zero experience practicing law, so I'm truly grateful you've taken me on. I hope I don't disappoint you."

"I'm sure you won't. Tell me about your experience at Stanford. Before you do, I should probably tell you I graduated from Boalt Hall."

Boalt Hall is the law school at UC Berkeley, athletic rivals across the Bay from Stanford. Boalt Hall was the original hall that was home to the law school, and the name stuck.

"I promise not to hold that against you, but we might have to consider a private wager on the Cal-Stanford game next Fall."

"Agreed."

Mariah spent several minutes talking about her Stanford Law experience. She had won the 1st year Moot Court Experience--I was impressed by that, because that's an experience based not on trial work, but appellate practice, when the outcome of a case is appealed to a higher court. In a moot court, one writes a brief for the court and then appears for an oral argument--an opportunity for the justices to interrupt and ask unanticipated questions!

Her favorite classes were Constitutional Law, Federal Civil Procedure, and Evidence.

"Did you get the high grade in any of those classes?"

"All three of them. That's probably why I liked them."

That smile again!

I inquired about any experience she may have had in drafting pleadings for court. She had clerked both prior summers for a firm in Palo Alto and had participated in preparing pleadings on contract matters.

"What brought you to Washington?"

"I'm originally from Port Angeles. My goal was always to return to Washington to practice. Why did you come here?"

"I'm originally from Oregon, so the Northwest is in my blood. I almost went to the University of Oregon for law school, but that was where I did my undergraduate work, and someone thought I should go elsewhere. I'm not sure that was important. Where was your undergraduate work?"

"Also at Stanford. I agree with you. A different school for graduate work isn't that important a factor when it comes to law school. There's no overlapping of faculty between undergraduate work and law school."

"Talk to me about career goals."

"Litigation, then an appellate practice."

"Nice. I hope to follow that path as well. Maybe someday we'll hang out a shingle together: Grant and Mendel."

She blushed a little.

"Sorry if I was a little too bold there."

"No, not at all. It was something else, something inappropriate for me to talk about. I apologize."

"No worries. We all have those moments. I usually stick my foot in my mouth. Thanks for coming and talking with me. Obviously, we'll do a lot more of that, once I attend my training tomorrow. Do you have the materials?"

"I do. Should I go ahead and outline the choices I'd like to make in the optional areas?"

"That's a good way to start. I'll get a hold of you in the next couple of days to go over the plan."

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The training was good--Joyce was entertaining--but mostly it boiled down to several principles. Certain topics were required, others were optional, but the mentee had to pick a couple of those. Giving the mentee real experience was far preferable to lecturing. The mentoring lasts a year. The good news is my CLE requirement (continuing legal education) would be met for the year by doing this.

Considering the time spent on the road or attending CLE events, the mentoring probably required less time.

I met with Mariah that day to go over the plan and her choices for optional topics. I gave her an assignment for our meeting two months away.

"What are we doing next month?"

"We're building a house."

"What?"

"Our topic is attorney involvement in charitable, civic or service organizations. I donate time about four times a year to work with Habitat for Humanity. I don't do legal work. I carry building materials, hammer in a few nails, but mostly help people who have actual construction skills. I will drive, and on the way back, we'll talk about why involvement like that is important."

"That sounds wonderful. Different from what I expected."

"Just so you can plan, we'll start early in the morning--I'll send the date and time next week, once Habitat nails down the start of the next project. Plan to wear work boots and jeans. You'll get dirty and sweaty. Bring a thermos to keep hydrated and pack a lunch."

"I helped my father tile a bathroom a few years ago. We did demo together and then put it back together. One of my favorite memories of my father."

"Your father--is he not living?"

"No, he died of cancer the year I entered law school. My mother still lives in Port Angeles, though. Part of the reason I wanted to come back here. I have two older brothers, but they live in California and Arizona."

"I'm sorry about your loss. You must have been close."

She wiped away a tear. "We were. He was a wonderful father. He treated me like another son. I can hammer nails, as well. Are your parents, alive, Mr. Grant?"

"Please, call me Tom. My father is alive, living in Cottage Grove, Oregon, in the house where I grew up. Mom died two years ago, also cancer."

"It's hard to lose a parent, isn't it?"

"Yes, but from what I've observed, losing a spouse is far worse."

"Maybe this is inappropriate to ask, but is that what happened to you?"

"No. My wife got pregnant by another man after refusing to have children with me. Death of the marriage. Two years ago."

"Oh, Tom, forgive me for asking! I'm so sorry!"

"That's ok. It happened. She told me what had happened and apologized, but she said she knew I could never trust her again. She was a good person. She even waived her interest in my 401(k) because of the guilt she felt."

"It sounds like you loved her, so it must have hurt a lot."

"I did love her, and it hurt. I thought we were happy, although I wanted children. Still... well, it takes two to marry and one to divorce."

"I'm sorry again for asking such a personal question but thank you for sharing."

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The plan for mentoring involved one meeting a month, with her completing some assignments for each meeting. Within a week, I had secured a promise from a woman in the firm who would take Mariah with her to a meeting of the local Women's Legal Professional Association. I wanted her to get a feel for resources for both attorney's and paralegals.

Our next meeting was the day of our Habitat work. I picked her up and we took the ferry and then drove to Skokomish.

"Are you familiar with Skokomish, Mariah?"

"A little. I know a lot of Native Americans live there."

"About 80% are Native American. Habitat poured the foundation last week for a small home there. They put in the subflooring yesterday. We're going to participate in some of the framing today. Mostly carrying lumber and helping to raise walls or hold them in place for nailing.

"I know a lot of the volunteers, so I'll introduce you. Most importantly, we need to check in with the head of unskilled labor--that's us. You have your gloves?"

"I do--and my boots."

I noticed the boots were not new. That surprised me.

Mariah and I worked together for only part of the time, but I tried to keep track of her. That wonderful smile of hers was constant, and she was talking to a lot of people.

We broke for lunch, and Mariah volunteered to run to the car to bring our lunches. We sat together as we ate, and she chatted about the various things she had done. Mostly she talked about the people. She said she was surprised at the number of vets but had a great time talking with them.

"They all have interesting stories, don't they?"

"They do. Not all happiness, but genuine slices of life. And they're honest about it. no pretense."

"Not at all. 'Genuine' is the perfect word."

"Tom, how do I join? I want to remain involved."

"You go see that woman over there, the one we checked in with. She'll love to have your information and welcome you."

Mariah headed over there immediately.

On the way home late that afternoon, we talked.

"Why do you suppose the law firm or the state bar care about your involvement in charitable, civic, or social organizations"?

"I think there are multiple reasons. It opens our eyes to what's happening on the ground, especially in finding ways to deal with poverty. It also helps improve the image of our profession."

"Mariah, you and I have been blessed with keen intellects and an excellent education from two top law schools. Few people have those advantages.

"In the Middle Ages, there were three professions, and three only: Priest, Physician and Attorney. Each healed something. Priests ministered to spiritual ills, physicians to physical ills, and attorneys to societal ills. Now we have professional truck drivers and electricians, but none of these other professions minister to life's ills.

"My reason for working with Habitat for Humanity is for the constant reminder it gives me to be sensitive to the societal ills, and the power I often have to bring relief to others."

"Is it large corporate clients who cause us to lose sight of that?"

"In part. We all need to make a living, and clients with resources pay our bills, but there's a whole class of society that needs our help and can't pay for it. Next month, I want you to think about why pro bono work exists, and why this firm requires pro bono work annually of each of us."

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Over the next couple of months, Mariah and I had some great discussions. One of my favorites was the time we spent in the second meeting, talking about conflicts of interest. I shared with her my experience of practicing law for several months before realizing the dangers of representing a corporate client and not being clear about my client's identity and, equally important, who was not my client.

"Let's say the president and treasurer of ABC, Incorporated, walk into your office and want to hire you. Who is your client?"

"I suppose it's the corporation."

"That's exactly what I would have assumed as well. Does your answer change if they want you to prepare an agreement to sell their stock?"

"Sure, then the clients would be those two individuals."

"Both of them? What if a conflict arises between them? Ok, now suppose the corporation is your client. What happens if the president wants to be your client for issues not related to the corporation."

"That should be acceptable. No conflict."

"Ok, so you do that work, and maybe some other work, and then the board of directors of the corporation contacts you for legal advice about firing the president for cause?"

"I should be able to advise them. They act on behalf of the corporation, my client."

"What if the cause is related to work you did for the president personally?"

Mariah smiled. "These ethics discussions in law school got me twisted in so many knots."

I laughed. "Here's the point I want to make. It's important to identify your client and to write an engagement letter that states who your client is and who is not your client. Taking on an officer of the corporation on personal work is normally not a problem, but if it becomes a conflict, you might have to resign as counsel for the officer and for the corporation.

"There's a similar problem inherent in estate planning, if I am creating a joint trust for a husband and wife, who is my client?"

"Both of them."

"What if one of them tells me something that would be damaging to the spouse if not relayed to the spouse? Don't I have an attorney client relationship with each?"

"Can I tell them if either of them tells me anything I'm obligated to share it with the other?"

"That's one option. I want you to google Charles Kuralt and read about the estate planning nightmare that followed his death. I'll cut to the chase. He had a mistress and in addition to an excellent trust with his wife, had a hand-written will that was later proven to be his and valid, that left expensive property in Montana to the mistress. To add insult to injury, the terms of the trust required the wife to pay resulting estate taxes on the property passing to the mistress!

"The wife sued the law firm. Their defense was Kuralt never told them about the mistress. The wife's attorney argued the law firm guaranteed he would never tell them, because their engagement letter said whatever one spouse told them they would tell the other. The wife won."

"Yikes!"

"That word, or 'damn' or worse is generally what attorneys say when they read about that case."