As I held my wife's pale delicate hand, she slowly opened her eyes and gave me a weak smile.
"How ya feelin' babe?" I asked
Beth's body was gaunt and terribly thin; her beautiful brown hair a memory. Although she endured the second round of chemotherapy with stoic courage, the oncologist was doubtful that it would have any effect on the rapidly advancing cancer. Today was her final treatment.
"Ok," she croaked in a hoarse whisper.
Clasping her cold hand, I held it against my cheek as a flood of emotion tore through me and the tears inundated my eyes. For months I tried to be strong but the thought of losing her...
"I'm taking you home tomorrow." My voice shaky, full of trepidation.
Beth nodded her head, her eyes half-lidded and heavy. Hospice would help with her journey to...I banished the thought from my mind.
I gently stroked Beth's bald head reassuringly and as her hand tightened around mine, I started bawling. I couldn't hold it in because she'd fought so valiantly.
Beth gazed at me with sad eyes, eyes accepting of her fate. Before the second phase of chemo, she talked fearlessly about her chances for survival and what the future might hold for us. Without her in my life and our daughter's...the thought terrified me.
"God granted us nineteen wonderful years together...try and find some peace in that...the last thing I want is to leave you and Olivia...as long as there is breath in my body, I'll never stop fighting my love..."
Beth's soothing words were like a balm to my suffering spirit and enveloped in her loving embrace I found some comfort from the awful reality of the situation.
But, my wife's visibly declining health took a toll on me and my optimism waned long before hers. Many a night she held me as I cried my heart out, distraught over the prospect of her absence.
Nineteen years...it went by so quickly. I recalled the tragic day Beth found the lump. We were late for work when she called me into the bathroom. She was standing wet haired and naked on the bath mat having just exited the shower. The sight of her gorgeous body never failed to stir my loins but she had a deadly serious look on her face.
The biopsy report contained the worst news but my wife always faced her challenges head on. With the removal of the cancer and subsequent positive effect of the chemo, she went into remission.
As Beth's physical condition improved, she intimated to me almost on a daily basis that she desperately wanted to have a child. Her doctor saw no reason why she couldn't but warned of the risks a pregnancy posed to a re-emergence of the disease.
In spite of the danger, my wife was determined to have a baby and when Beth put her mind to something, there was no turning back.
"Please babe...I want to so much..." I couldn't possibly refuse her.
The birth of our daughter was a joyous event and for six glorious years we were a happy, contented family. We crammed a lot of living into that short time as the uncertainty of the future weighed heavily on our minds.
A few days after Olivia's birthday, Beth complained of feeling sick and we soon learned that the cancer had returned. Far more aggressive and life threatening, her struggle reached the critical phase. With a cure or hope for remission fading fast, she grew more ill and weaker on a daily basis.
Now, it was a matter of time. Time...so precious little is granted to us.
In the quiet hours after midnight, I would lay in bed wide awake, my brain a jumble of dread and fear over Beth's declining health. How much time did she have left? No one could tell us; weeks? Maybe months but nothing was certain.
To ease my anxiety, I would recall my earliest memories of Beth. How we met. How we came together. Never in my wildest imagination did I expect to fall so madly in love with someone.
You see, I always considered myself the "Average Joe" type of guy. An average student who worked hard to get good grades, an average athlete who struggled to make the team, average looks and body, competent at dating but by no means a ladies man.
Beth was far from average; superior might be a better adjective. She excelled at most everything she attempted and often made it look easy. Model pretty with a smokin' hot body, she could have the pick of the litter of guys to date at college.
Why me? I guess it's truly one of those mysteries of life questions that are unfathomable.
What I do know with any kind of certainty is that she loved me with all her heart. Ours was a love that endured and grew stronger with the passing years.
I can vividly remember the day our casual friendship took a sharp turn. I'm much younger, a sophomore in college, standing in the coach's office...
****
"You need to concentrate on your upper body strength and stamina or...you...don't have much of a chance of making the team," coach said apologetically.
Recovering from a serious bout of mononucleosis, pre-season tryouts were disaster for me. Out-muscled by smaller more inexperienced players, I stood out like a sore thumb on the practice field.
Near despair, I walked dejectedly to Carrie's dorm room. Close friends since high school, I thought of her as my surrogate sister. When I entered the room, I noticed Beth lying on her side with her chin propped up reading a book. Carrie's roommate since freshman year, she was one of the hottest girls on campus, in my humble opinion.
In a despondent voice, I related my conversation with Coach Simmons.
"...with only six weeks till official team trials...it's not lookin' too good for me..."
"Maybe it's not as bad as you think..." Carrie said supportively.
"Nah, I'm not exaggerating...I'm in deep shi...I mean doo doo."
Beth sat up on her bed as I was telling my tale of woe and seemed to be paying close attention. I was staring into space with what I'm sure was a lost expression when I heard her clear confident voice.
"You need a trainer...someone to motivate you...with a structured plan."
Of course Beth was correct in her assessment but most on-campus trainers were far too pricey for my wallet.
"That would be great but I can't afford to pay for..." I stated gloomily and my voice trailed off.
There was a long pregnant pause before I heard Beth's upbeat voice,
"I'll do it and won't cost you a penny."
I gawked at Beth in disbelief. The girl who made my heart go pitter-patter whenever I was around her was making me an unbeatable offer.
"You'd train...me?
"Sure Mike! I like a good project to keep me busy. Anyway, you need my help."
As I gaped at Beth's lovely smiling visage, it took me a few moments to compose myself and respond.
"Yeah, that's great! Thanks Beth!" I gushed like a schoolboy.
"We'll start tomorrow at five am sharp, ok?"
"Ok...hey! Wait a minute, did you say five am?" I asked cautiously.
Carrie was smirking at me because she was cognizant of the fact that I had a huge crush on Beth but was too intimidated to ask her out.
Beth possessed a lean and highly defined muscular physique that radiated power but also looked incredibly feminine. In many ways, she resembled the woman in the BowFlex commercial that airs on TV, only younger and with long dark brunette hair. Very pretty and hardbodied, she could easily pass for a fitness model.
But, Beth was much more than a great body; she exuded a quiet self-confidence and intelligence that that outwardly could be misconstrued as aloofness. As I got to know her during freshman year, I realized that she was the kind of girl who was comfortable in her own skin, who knew where she was going in life, what her goals were and how she could achieve them.