We first met at the dance studio. I have been ballroom dancing for as long as I can remember. My friend Lisa showed up at the usual Friday night dance party with Ben, an old boyfriend who was recently divorced. While not a drop dead gorgeous type, Ben was pretty good looking. Kinda average height, close trimmed beard, salt and pepper hair. And no dance skills whatsoever. As we went out for post-dancing drinks, I learned that Ben was a civilian contractor with the Army, at the same base I had been stationed at for the last few years of my military service. While our paths had never crossed, we knew many of the same people. We talked a lot that night and clicked like two old army buddies.
Ben and I saw a lot of each other after that. Even though he couldn't dance, he would come to the studio with Lisa every Friday night. Lisa was often at our family events and began to bring Ben along. We became really good friends, but it never progressed past that. I began dating Mike shortly after that and the four of us would go to movies, bowling, the usual.
As often happens in the Army, the work Ben was doing got transferred to another base, as with it, so did Ben. Within a few months of the move, he and Lisa broke up; she couldn't go with him and he couldn't stay. Ben and I talked often and grew closer. I began to realize that my feelings for him were more than just friends, but I didn't think I should tell him. Lisa was a friend of the family and me dating Ben would just be bad news.
Months passed and Christmas was upon us. Ben came home for a visit and we decided to meet up at our favorite local brewhouse. I finally decided to tell Ben how I felt about him and kiss him. I'm normally not one for dresses and makeup, but that night, I put on a very low-cut dress, fixed my hair, and even fought with a mascara wand. I showed up at the brewhouse first and got a table, going over in my mind what I was going to say. Then he walked in ... with his mother. Don't get me wrong, Faye and I got along great and I love her dearly, but she's not the person I expected to be around when I invited her son back to my place. We had fun that night, but I didn't get the chance to tell Ben how I felt.
Six months later, Ben was engaged to Rebecca and I was dating Ray. I missed my chance.
Fast forward 8 years. Ray and I are married. Ben and Rebecca are still married, but Ben has been working overseas for four years and Rebecca hasn't been able to live with him and it has put a strain on their marriage. Their marriage is even more strained because Rebecca started digging into Ben's messages and discovered tests between him and an ex-boyfriend; Ben had never told Rebecca he was bisexual.
Last summer, I was on my way to Scotland for vacation and Ben was on his way home on leave and we happened to have layovers in London at the same time. It was a great opportunity to catch up as we had not seen each other in person for two years. We only had a few hours, though. There is never enough time. My heart pounding, I wanted to come clean with how I felt, but he had to leave for security. We hugged and held the hug longer than normal, obviously deep feelings there, but then, he was gone.
As I lay in bed in my hotel in Edinburg two nights later, I couldn't get my thoughts away from Ben. How I felt in his arms in London, how my heart pounded when we spoke, how I longed to feel his lips on mine. Against my better judgement, I wrote him a letter. I clearly couldn't text him as he was home in the States with Rebecca and she would read his messages anyway, so an old-fashioned letter sent to his overseas address it was.
I poured my heart out. I told Ben how I regretted not kissing him that night at the brewhouse. How I never should have let him leave without telling him how I felt. How I knew we could never be together now, but it didn't change how I felt. I put the letter in the post the next morning after very little sleep. I knew Ben would not get it for a few weeks as he would not be back from leave until then. I went about my vacation and returned home. And I waited for his response. It never came.
Ben and I continued our platonic chats as if I had never sent the letter. He was to be back on the States at Christmas and wanted to see if Ray and I would be available to go to dinner with him and Rebecca as they would be in the area to visit family. We made the plans for dinner. Ben and Rebecca came. We talked. We went to dinner. Nothing was said of the letter, but then again, Ben and I never found time alone to talk.
A few months later, due to the chaos of prepping for a lengthy trail, my sleep was off. I found myself awake at all hours, including hours that Ben was awake on the other side of the world. We began to chat. Knowing Rebecca was asleep several states away, with my heart pounding, I asked Ben about the letter.
"That letter means the world to me," he said. "It describes exactly how I feel about you."
The feeling of relief that ran over me is indescribable. We continued to talk for a few hours that night. We talked about the missed opportunity of a relationship, the regret we felt for not telling the other how we felt, and how we were feeling around each other at Christmas.
"I know I should refrain," I texted, "but if the opportunity presents itself to be with you, even for a moment, I will likely take it. Even just a moment with your lips on mine. I will take it."
"Trust me," he replied, "I will be in the same frame of mind when we see each other next."
Our texts continued after that night, often platonic as we were, of course, still close friends, but sometime more risqué. While Ray and I have an open marriage, obviously, Rebecca and Ben do not. I know I should not have continued with the affair, but I did anyway.
Several months later, Ben was home on leave for Thanksgiving. Despite being Native American, Thanksgiving is Ray's favorite holiday. He loves to have a house full of family and friends and loves to cook up a huge meal. Rebecca had no family left and Ben's mom was in a nursing home and could not handle a lot of company, so Ben and Rebecca came to stay with us. Ray is the cook in our family and Rebecca fancies herself an amateur chef. The two of them were busy in the kitchen for a few days.
On Wednesday, as Ray and Rebecca were preoccupied with the cooking, Ben and I decided to take the horses out on the trail for a few hours. Ben grew up working with horses in Texas. Ray and I live on a small farm and being the animal lover I am, we foster rescue horses as well as have a few of our own that stay permanently.
Ben followed me into the tack room of the barn. We found ourselves standing close together as I got the reins and bridles off the hook. Turning to him, I knew this was the moment. I dropped the reins and reached for him. Wrapping his arms around me, Ben kissed me. Softly at first, and slowly, as if to savor the long-awaited moment. Filled with a sudden rush of passion, I kissed him back, and fervently so. Wrapping my arms around his back and neck, I ran a hand though his hair. Ben leaned into me, pushing me against the wall. His chest against mine, I never wanted to leave his arms. I could feel his erection though his jeans, pressing against me. Finally, the kiss ended. We looked at each other silently, knowing we could not continue. Fixing my hair, I said "Let's get the saddles."
