ONE
When Alec Tiplady went into mourning after his wife of 23 years left him for a newer model, departing after her divorce for a new life in a new country, his two daughters Nina and Dolly worried him greatly.
They worried him so much he was unable to work through his grief comfortably.
It puzzled Alec why his two daughters were unable to resist filling his life with their concerns – 'Are you eating enough, dad?', 'This house is really too large for you', 'Why don't you get out and about?, 'Look up some of your old girl friends, and 'The house looks dirty, I think we must find you a housekeeper' were typical of the little gems of concern that promised to bring disruption and possible mayhem to his current pattern of life.
His chosen current pattern of life, of course, was programmed to allow him to sulk.
Elizabeth-Mae's leaving him had been devastating. He'd worked out an entire pattern of life to take him to his eventual grave, with Elizabeth-Mae standing at his graveside, secure with the knowledge she'd been left with plenty of money, closely attended as the lowering of the coffin by their two loving daughters and husbands and six to eight grandchildren, predominantly boys.
It was all neat and tidy and really supposed to happen. Well it didn't, and that upset Alec no end. But now his sulking period had turned into a disaster because of the interference of Nina and Dolly.
This period of stomach-ulcer threatening anxiety continued for three months and then Alec fell into the arms of a new woman, literally.
He was particularly soured from the latest barrage from his two daughters one evening so with uncharacteristic resolve of late, decided to go down to his old favorite bar for a drink. It was a nasty night and the wind-driven snow suggested he'd easily find a dark corner to drink in undisturbed moroseness, he thought, wondering if there was such a word.
Anyway, he put on his old hunting cap and jacket and drove down to the village, parking right in front of the bar because Main Street was practically deserted.
He rushed in through the door where he collided with a woman coming out. She just had time to open her mouth in alarm when Alec smashed into her and grabbed her to break his fall as they crashed to the floorboards.
The woman began screaming, Alec realized he was sprawled in a perfectly aligned position to have sex and contemporaneously glimpsed the bargirl running at him carrying a baseball bat.
Everything then went dark.
He woke up next morning and, as one might have guessed, the first thing he saw was the worried face of Dolly with smaller but older Nina behind her trying to get a look in to have her say.
The only thing was is wasn't the next morning – it was two mornings later and he was in hospital, in bed.
His daughters has barely established that for him when medical people arrived and questioned him as if he were a six-year-old and flashed lights into his eyes. But they looked almost as joyous as if he'd returned from the dead when he answered coherently and finally, in exasperation, told them to fuck off.
"Oh daddy!" cried Nina, beating Dolly back into the critical care room weeping, and plastering his white tunic thing with tears, mascara and lipstick. Dolly, unable to perform the heroic act of a relieved daughter bringing her father back from the brink stood there, hands on hips shaking her head and saying, "Dad, you're not safe to be allowed to go out anywhere."
It was pragmatic Dolly who filled Alec in: He'd ran into the bar virtually blown through the door he'd open by a squall, and collided with a woman who was just leaving. She screamed, the bar manager thought her departing female client was being raped, so attended to Alec with a baseball bat, splitting open his head.
"Doctor Mason says you'll be all right, but they'll keep you in here for another couple of days."
"Who's Doctor Mason?"
"The doctor leading the team who just examined you."
"What team?"
"Oh, daddy," said Dolly, looking very alarmed.
"Who are you?" Alec asked Dolly.
She screamed, Nina fainted, the medical team arrived at a gallop and Alec achieved his objective – being left alone to sleep off his foul headache, with a Do Not Disturb notice on his door.
Twenty-four hours later he awoke to find a vision of loveliness looking down on him with concern. Her brow was furrowed, her lips pursed in a worried 'O' so Alec reached up, pulled down her head gently and kissed those lips with feeling; it had been months since he'd had a decent snog like that.
The doctor didn't panic – she just let Alec have his way with her (only a five second kiss) and then stepped back a safe distance from the over-sexed patient with his bandaged head.
"I'm Alice," she said.
"Pleased to meet you, Dr Alice."
"No-no," she said. "I'm just in for a medical check."
"Oh, are your pregnant?"
"No, silly," she smiled. "I had a wee accident – you know."
"No, I didn't know, I've been in hospital," Alec reassured her.
"We met in the Harriet's Bar the other night and I broke my wrist."
"Oh my God – you're the woman I'm supposed to have raped?"
"I'm sure that I would have known had you got that far, Mr Tiplady, but it was very nice of you to try, if that was your intention," she smiled.
"God no. I can recall it clearly now – I was running in to escape a wind blast and slipped, colliding with someone. I saw Harriet's daughter coming at me and…
"Well that's it, I guess."
"That's exactly how I saw it," said Alice.
A nurse entered the room.
"Oh, here's your enema – I'd better leave you to endure it," Alice said.
At that Alice was gone, leaving the grinning nurse to hand Alec his breakfast tray.
Alec's daughters took him home just after noon that day and fussed around him to distraction: he really wanted to read the letter of apology from Harriet's daughter and think about her offer, "How can I make this up to you?"
Nina and Dolly were just leaving when someone arrived at the door. Alec heard them saying that their father was still in a critical condition and could not be disturbed.
"Wheel him or her in," Alec called cheerfully from his bed.
The visitor was escorted in by the daughters, who stood on either side of her like security guards.
"Hi Harriet," he smiled and the motherly woman moved in and kissed him. The daughters did not react, Harriet being almost old enough to be Alec's mother.
"Girls, there are a couple of gifts for your father on the back seat of my car – could you kindly fetch them."
Nina returned with a huge bouquet of flowers while Dolly, who got to the car last, struggled with a case of red wine.
"Thank you girls – now why don't you run along, I'll look after the flowers and make afternoon tea for your father.
