Be Brave

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Scrolling Mindless looking for something.... Soooo bored and kind of looking for trouble to just to be entertained.

I somehow managed to stumble across this website Chatib

So many randoms asking for things I was not in the mood to entertain tonight.

Does anyone get tired of the same messages, unless these are the only ways for humans to introduce theirselves.

"Hi... username", "how are you?" Or "what are you looking for?" Like I would know or the "What are you up too?" Or those who immediately want to get off the app like someone is chasing them to switch to another platform. Given it is not the easiest platform to talk on but still, like I just met you why would I just give you my social media info.

Starting random conversations with strangers that, specifically men that tend to taper off after they realize you are not going to FaceTime them naked.

I do stumble across one who is looking for a real conversation and not just the usual naked photo/video chat.

Fast forward a lot.

We exchange emails to continue our chats, which go from sporadic to stealing moments to reply and hid the stupid grin from others. I have no idea what this is much less able to explain it to someone else. Emails switch to text messages, messages stretch into early morning hours fighting sleep just to talk a little longer, which leads to telephone conversations. You have the best voice ever. It's the perfect deep rumble sexy voice that makes it so hard to have dry panties and bee good. You have spoiled me with late night chats and songs when I couldn't sleep of had a bad day.

This leads to this epic moment in time... least for my mundane life.

After our normal chat, I sit and stare at my phone wondering how I got here or agreed to this. Now I am a nervous wreck replaying the conversation over and over and over and over in my head but too freaked to remember all the details.

I agreed to fly out, so we can make this relationship 'official", I knew with your old-school ways you'd grow tired of the endless messages that I never minded.

The messages serve as the perfect wall to hid and protect oneself from the reality of love, awkwardness (barely), pain, and showing one's flaws. I tried all the tricks to delay this moment as much as possible and agreed to visit you instead of you coming to me just to keep that one last layer of protection.

I fly out on Saturday as we both have the day off. We sat on the phone purchasing the ticket getting everything coordinated ending with me emailing you the confirmation. I know you though I wouldn't go thru with it. I could hear the tightness in your voice at moments seemingly on egg shells trying to not spook me into backing out.

Sadly, this is our 4th attempt at trying to do this. I know if I back out now it would be the end of the relationship. I can't imagine not talking to you every day, so I push through all my barriers. I have thought it over many times and I can't walk away from it, no matter how hard I try. So, I will be brave and try to act like the 27-year-old I am supposed to be (really like 20 on a good day). The trip will be for the full 7 days, so we can see if this connection is real. I know it is but I know you have your doubts, specially with my flakiness at times.

We have had many discussions of our wants like and dislikes.

You have taught me so much over the course of your relationship. Even including a new lifestyle.

After we got past the "get to know you phase" and entered the more serious talks and heavy flirtatious phase. You explain you were a dominate and what that would imply in our relationship. You discovered I was a submissive by nature and would be your "little". We discussed different things and limits. At lot of the things you described where things I was always secretly looking for or craving from a partner without ever knowing how to put it into words. You'd be my Daddy Dom and I'd be your little. I'm not sure why but it was best when you called me your "kitten", still the best nickname ever to date. Its only pet name that I have heard that does not make me cringe.

We did have some disagreements like any couple. I preferred messaging where you preferred talking on the phone which did not agree with my introvert ways, something you never seemed to realize or you were just on a mission to pull me out of my shell more.

We disagreed on sex before marriage. You wanted to wait, I did not see the point since neither of us were virgins and if it this would lead to marriage as we discussed then we should know on all levels that we are connected, especially given the dynamic of our relationship.

Of course, when you are anticipating something big, the week flew by before I knew it. We had limited contact as I had to pull late hours to make sure my work was resolved and caught up as much as possible prior to this time off. I'm that weirdo that never takes time off from work, only in emergencies which luckily were few and far between, so this in itself was a first for me. I do not think I have ever taken off a full week from work before this, which is sad but true.

I dodge most of your phone calls on Friday as I had a constant knot in my throat from the sheer nervousness and was making sure I packed everything needed. I feared if we spoke I'd find some excuse to back out like all the other times we got here. I know I probably worried you, as you took my silence thinking I would flake out again.

I was only able to get the red eye flight on Saturday which worked for and against me. On one hand, it allowed me time to do all the things I could not finish Friday as I refused to take the day off. I was able to do all the things girls need to do before a big day. Nails, hair, etc. But it also gave me more time to over think things driving myself to a low-grade panic attack, and more messages from you showing your annoyance with my lack of replies. Somewhere between wondering how do people get their names changed illegally and feeling like a 5-year-old going to Disney, I was able to stop and send you a message reassuring you I was coming and not going to flake and used the preparations as an excuse for my lack of responses.

You Let me off the hook and I promised to check in as I headed to the airport.

The brain is a funny thing, you can try to distract yourself with a million other details yet it chooses to sabotage you, its host and keeps bringing up the thought you are trying to avoid.

I try to take calming breaths. Everything is done. All list a crossed off. I am spit shine ready to see you.

I have one last thought of flaking as I wait for my Uber, as I check my phone to see how close they are I see a message from you "I love you kitten, can't wait to see you in a few hours".

That's all I needed, even when you don't realize you are my knight riding in to banish the bad thoughts/stress/ overthinking right as my Uber pulls up. I reply letting you know I am heading to the airport. Surprisingly the airport is empty for a Saturday. I get through security with no issues and I am waiting at my gate. Too embarrassed to take a selfie as other people are around. I feel the need to prove to you I am coming, instead I send a photo of my gate showing I am waiting for the boarding to start. Like all night flight it is delayed an hour which I keep you updated on.

I am finally in my seat staring out the window when the sheer exhausting of the day hits as the plan start to take off and the lights dim on board. I drift off with the thought I will final see if what we built is real.

I wake up to the lights turning on and the attendants giving the mantra everyone knows but they are forced to repeat "coming down the aisle for trash, place your seat in the upright position, seat belt lights are on.... etc."

I feel the excitement and dread at disappointing you as I gather my backpack to head off the plane. As I wait, I regain signal and tell you I am waiting to get off and I receive a quick reply that you are waiting at the gate. Nervously, I look around and purposely wait for the crowd to exist just to linger and try to gather myself. Luckily, there is a bathroom before I hit the gate area where you are waiting.

I rush to the bathroom, lucky the big stall is vacant due to its late hour. I am able to run the brush through my hair and straighten up for our first encounter. The thought to run still pops up but I suppress it knowing it's too late and I do not want to hurt you by not showing up, Plus I made it this far, might as well see it through.

Big girl breaths, I walk through the thinning crowd looking for you and hoping at the same time you changed your mind and left. What is wrong with me.

As I around the corner, I see you standing there checking your phone, probably wondering what's taking so long as most of my flight has already left. Trying to be sneaky I walk up to you quickly and just stand a few feet from you waiting for you to look up, when suddenly you do wondering who is standing so close. I watch the confusion and then realization play across your face to end in a face splitting grin. I am hypnotized and then feel your arms around me, the only thing compares is if a home could hug you back.

We stand there lost in our own world, I know you're surprised I actually came this time, as am I. In this moment, I have no regrets and happy I was able to be brave for once as it this moment makes it all worth it.

You step back from our embrace and I watch as your eyes travel from my head to foot and back. I search your face for disappointment but can't find any. I feel a little relief at that are not disappointed yet.

Hand in hand we walk out to your truck. We drive to your place in this electric peaceful silence.

Before existing the truck, I see the time on the dash is showing 2:30 AMI All at once the exhaustion hits from the travel to lack of sleep and all the emotions.

You promise a proper tour in the morning, more like a few hours. We sit at the couch for a bit. You offer to let me sleep on the bed or couch which ever I am more comfortable with or we can sleep together. I went through too much to get here to sleep alone on your couch. Plus, you are too big to fit on the couch comfortably. I opt for your bed with you in it to your surprise.

I shower and change into the agreed upon t-shirt and shorts, since we both know I prefer the only fabric to be the bedding. I check my messages as I wait for you to finish your shower and then crawl into bed with you.

One thing you don't know if I have never had the luxury of sleeping with a man like this. We fidget until we find something comfortable. "Well this is my good night text to you" I feel the laughter travel up your chest as I lay on you. We agree to turn off our phones for the remainder of the weekend to celebrate not to reply on the phone for once.

As we settle in for sleep I feel another, more like 3 bricks disappear and this overwhelming tear jerking feeling of being safe. I have lived alone for a bit but even at home there were times as a single female or just human a part of you at least for me is always on guard I guess and for once my mind and body knew it did not need to be or felt same for once, I was safe with my daddy. It was all worth it and I would do it all over again just to experience this feeling. I am finally home.

I wake up feeling like the sun in beaming right on my face.

I wake slowly feeling a heavy weight on my chest. Tossing the damp pillow away. I sit up looking around. It wasn't real, I feel the tears start again. Fuck. It was just a delusion, maybe a dream of what could have been but I was too much of a coward to go through with it.

"Your lying to me....?"

I wasn't sure if it was a question or message as I started at the screen, unable to think clearly as that self-preserving panic welled up into my chest again.

"I am not lying, just having a hard time"

Seconds, minutes, then hours tick by...

"Ignoring me... now. I guess it's over"

No response but I can see that you read the message. I send an email with no reply. A few days later.

"I do not want to play this game with you. We're done, I knew you were lying"

"What have I lied about. I have shown you so much things and we've spoken multiple times. How could I be lying or not real as you put it."

No response again.

Another type of panic rises. The one where you know you are losing something forever, the brain was not built to be able to compute this at least mine wasn't.

"Do not contact me ever again, Lola."

The tears seem to have come without my notice. I tried calling with no response. I did not bother to leave a voicemail as I knew you were officially done.

I wish you could understand.

It was not me being "not real" but more so scared and hopping you'd understand or just show up at my door, wishful thinking. You made comments of wanting to be patient this go around but yet still pushed.

I guess I understand why you wanted to finally start this thing in person. I should not have agreed if I was hesitant. I just did not want to displease or upset you at that time, which is stupid now that I think of it. I'll never know if you were the one but even now I still love you. I think no, I know you were my first love. I suffer from these fleeting thoughts if you're ok as we are in crazy times. I tried reaching out but you started spitting venom, so I'll leave you alone as you requested but I am truly sorry for any hurt I caused you Sir. How will I ever sleep good again without listening to your voice singing me to sleep.

Post Script:

This is to Shannon F. I know you'll never see this but by writing this I hoped you'd stop plaguing my thoughts. If by some miracle, you do see this. I am sorry for not being brave enough for us. I'll do better for us next life time, if I am lucky.

Love, Lola