Chapter 2: Our First Night Together
"Dace?" Her voice was soft and low in the darkness, but also burdened with an unmistakable trembling. The door was open between our rooms though the beds were such that we could not see each other. She had wanted to leave it open so I didn't seem so very far away, and asked if that would be all right. It was fine with me.
"It's OK, Christine. I'm right here."
"But, I'm so scared... I can't sleep."
There was a long silence.
"Can you hold me a little like you did before?"
Does the sun come up in the morning?
The image, of course, was very rich in potential, and in more ways than one. She had had no appropriate nightclothes and ended up wearing the top to my new linen pajamas, wrapping her much smaller form in the tent-like expanse of the soft linen, being incredibly feminine and delectable in the process without even trying. The top reached down to her knees almost and she seemed at once both modestly clothed and most deliciously indisposed. I wondered whether I dare trust myself. Even for the dedicated and iron-willed there is a practical limit. Yet, when duty calls....
"OK, I'm coming over to you." When I stepped through the doorway she was sitting up on the bed in my pajama top with her fists under her chin and hugging herself, trembling. The sheet and blanket were gathered around up to her waist and she was modest and presentable, though with her long hair and big brown eyes in the soft light she simply could not be other than heart-stopping. I sat down carefully on the side of the bed and she didn't move a muscle but just looked up at me.
"Is anything wrong, Christine?"
"It's just that everything is so scary and... and when you held me this afternoon it made things warm and safe." Her voice was so piteously child-like and trusting. "Just for a little while, please?" as if she were somehow imposing a great and exhausting labor upon me.
I'm sure she had not given a single thought to the mechanics of how to do that, nor to what other dangers it might lead in the process. She was simply frightened and was asking the only person available to help in the only way she knew. OK, keep a clear head here. Her child-like supplication was sweet and trusting, and innocent of machinations of any kind. In other words, she was irresistible.
"All right, let's get comfortable and I'll try to help you relax and rest some." If that was a good start, my very first move was a mistake. In trying to arrange the covers to put them between us so she could lay down she must have felt I was pulling them off her legs and she panicked and clutched them to her. Quickly I turned away to reach across to the chair for the second blanket, trying to ignore her reaction. I had no intention of embarrassing her at all. I arranged the second blanket so she could lay with her back up against my side with her head on my shoulder. All prepared, I lay down on the edge of her bed and patted her place next to me in invitation. Now her fears of one danger were replaced and overridden by her anxiety in the face of one much closer at hand, I'm sure. She was frozen in place, one hand over her mouth, her eyes boring into me with alarm, her other hand still clutching the covers at her waist.
I waited patiently for her to decide what she wanted to do. Her eyes had the expression of a doe trapped in a hunter's spotlight with nowhere to run. For me her vulnerability added a sweet innocence to her beauty that I found was very alluring. It was good that she could not read the thoughts that raced through my mind and my struggles to control them.
Without a thought in advance I began to hum a soft tune, "Come to me my melancholy baby...." Singing had never been a strong suit and I surprised myself. I wasn't sure what reaction I would get. "Cuddle up and don't be blue." Her facial expression in the dim light was just enchanting. "Smile, my honey, dear, and... I'll kiss away each tear," and her countenance softened and I could see a little smile curling the corners of her mouth, and then she moved carefully to lie down beside me.
I tucked more of the covers between us, for her sake and for mine, but her head rested now lightly on my outstretched upper arm. How to balance one's feeling of tenderness and concern for another is almost always a challenge; I could think of no situation nearly as fraught with pitfalls and dangers as the one with which I now wrestled. This girl's psyche seemed to me more fragile than any I had ever encountered, her recent experience quite a rude shock even for an adult, and her situation now so very anxious and lonely. And for all that she was so exquisitely feminine in every way.
My assignment... focus on my assignment, my job! My job, I could easily see, was to soothe and protect and make secure in mind and body... a more complex and demanding task than may at first be recognized. On one hand I wished I were several years younger... yet I could easily see that those years of marriage and fatherhood were essential training for exactly what this assignment required: patience, kindness, being always a respectful gentleman, and all the while alert and ready for battle with unseen dragons laying in wait. I had to keep coming back to my job and focusing on that for balance and direction. Whether something romantic between us might emerge in the future was an immensely intriguing concept, but it had to be set back on the shelf for now. If it came at all it would have to be at the proper time... whenever that might be... if it came at all.
She lay beside me without a word and tense as a steel rail. I lifted her hair clear of her neck and nuzzled her soft ringlets behind her ear and then kissed her lightly, enjoying the fragrance of her hair. That she had not expected, for sure, and she shivered in response. "You are a beautiful young lady, my pretty little vixen. Thank you for trusting me to take care of you. Sleep well, now."
She made no response as I rolled away onto my back and tried to focus on just being her protector and keeping things under control. Kissing her like that was perhaps not exactly a wise step towards keeping control of myself, but her indescribable beauty certainly deserved some measure of acknowledgement, even from an older man, did it not? Well, that's what I told myself, right or otherwise.