Angels

Mariel spread her mind into that of the young man beside her. Right away she could tell he was different. Thomas sat alone on a park bench as darkness grew, unaware of her presence, head down and shutting out the world. She might have appeared to him, if that were needed. She could have unfurled her wings and shown all her glory; but it was better to work as much as possible from within.

It was not difficult to find his pain -- it permeated his mind. Pain was something she only vaguely understood. She knew about it and could describe how people responded to it. She had been assigned to countless humans suffering from physical, social, or psychological pain. While she was unable to stop pain, she knew how to work their minds to help them put pain in its place, to sweep it under the rug, to see around it; but Mariel had never truly felt pain.

What Thomas had was greater than she had encountered before. She knew he had lost someone very dear to him, his fiancé, and right now his view of the world was an immense emptiness, a morass in which he was lost and ensnared. It was as though she could see him in the mire growing weaker and weaker, with no will to fight. Surrounding the sadness and magnifying it was loneliness.

Gently she probed into his thoughts and memories. Only one soul occupied them, and it was her absence rather than her presence that overwhelmed him. Digging more deeply she found friends and family, but they were far outside the black cloud of despair. Mariel's purpose was to counter that despair with hope; without hope, life would cease. She wandered across his psyche, searching for some opening, some weakness. She scanned his senses. He was seeing, but not looking; hearing the world but not listening. If only she could direct his eyes or his ears. If only she could find some way to reconnect with the physical world.

"It's hopeless," a voice sounded inside her head.

"No, it's not. I just have to find the right approach."

"You will fail, just like thousands of other have failed before you."

"There is hope. I just need to show it to him."

"He's not worth it," the voice continued. "None of them are worth it. They are weak creatures. And in the end they are selfish and evil."

"Not all of them."

"Not enough to matter. You are wasting your time. You are wasting your existence."

"I refuse to believe it."

"Then go ahead and try. I want to watch."

"Leave me, Demon."

The demon laughed.

Mariel tried to focus on Thomas, but now doubt had crept into her efforts. She scanned his deep memories, his childhood; but there was sadness there, too. She found the day his mother died. He was only eight years old. He didn't understand why she died, why she left him. He didn't understand why his father sent him a way to an indifferent aunt. Mariel scanned through the troubled teenage years when he seemed to wander through life with no purpose, no direction. Then, like a light in the darkness, the young woman came into his life.

His earliest memories of meeting her captured all the delight of what was to come. The fleeting encounters were filled with excitement and joyful longing. He lived for their next encounter, the day they first touched, the day they first kissed. Here was his joy; but now it was only pain.

Mariel tried to stir the rapture of those moments. "Here," she wanted to say. "Remember these moments? Remember how wonderful the world can be?" But Thomas was unable to hear her. All evening long she stayed in his mind, and when he finally rose to make his way to his bed, she followed; but she could not penetrate the black cloud. Indeed, it became thicker and larger. It began to envelop her.

"See? I told you. It is no use."

"Go away. I don't want to listen to you. Hope is stronger than despair."

But the demon did not go away and she could not stop listening to him. She could not pull Thomas from his mire; and now she struggled against it herself.

"This is what happens to all of you angels sooner or later. Accept it now. Save yourself an eternity of frustration and failure. Join us."

Now Mariel felt her own hope ebbing.

"Come with me and look." The demon led her past visions of lost angels imprisoned by their personal despair.

Mariel looked down and found herself in bonds. She had no strength to fight or resist them.

"Look and see what happens to angels."

She saw angels whose wings had turned black. Some had lost their wings altogether. She saw angels weeping because they had lost their hope and did not know where to find it. Among them she recognized figures from her past, and she had not known where they went.

"Not a pretty scene, it is?" the voice continued. "But they can become free. You can become free. Abandon your forlorn attempts to help humans and join us. Our days are carefree because we have no responsibilities, no impossible tasks. Look at your former friends."

Now she saw other angels, dark angels, flying free. They looked on suffering humans and cared not. They indulged in earthly pleasures and laughed at poor mortals.

"Please. Don't tempt me anymore," Mariel protested.

"I am only telling you the truth. Come," the demon drew her along. "Meet Lillith."

A beautiful woman appeared before her, seated on a throne. She beckoned her forward. As Mariel drew closer to her, she pointed to the ground at her feet. The demon knelt and said to Mariel, "Kneel and your chains will be removed. Or stay in your own prison forever."

Mariel felt her will and her powers receding. She was tired of fighting. She wanted to disentangle herself from Thomas' grief, but even that was too strong for her. She sent her mind back into his to sever the connection. I don't want to be here anymore. He doesn't want me either. I enter humans minds uninvited and try to create an illusion for them. An illusion of hope that does not exist.

But it does exist when they pursue it. I give them an illusion, but they can make it real. That is what the demon is doing to me. He is creating an illusion. He is not real. Lillith is not real. My chains and my prison are not real, but they will be if I allow them to be.

She plunged back into Thomas's mind. This is real, and here I must stay until my task is done.

"This is pointless," the demon admonished her; but she did not listen to him anymore.

"I am here. I am real," she spoke to Thomas. "You are not alone."

Slowly his mind awoke.

"Look around you. You must live. You must eat. You must return to the world."

Thomas ate and went to bed. Mariel was able to rest and regain her strength. When he arose in the morning, Mariel was still inside him. Now she felt his loneliness, penetrating her core. It seemed to take away her life force, but she fought it. Everything he did, facing the morning sun, scrounging for breakfast, stepping outdoors seemed to require an immense effort from both Thomas and Mariel.

He went to his cobbler shop and began work. An older woman stopped by and engaged him in conversation. Thomas began to talk about his work and then about his lost love. Mariel felt hope begin to infuse the pain in his mind.

That night he returned to his bed and cried. Exhausted, Mariel slipped out of his mind and materialized beside him. She put her arm over his shoulders and felt his steady breathing as he slept. Then she wandered into the coolness of the night.

Now she knew Thomas would survive. Her efforts were not in vain and she could shake off the despair that the demon had cast on her spirit. Her soul lifted just as those of the humans did when she worked on their minds. How did this happen? She was free.

It was an unfamiliar sensation to walk among people in the morning light. She found her way to Thomas' shop where he was already at work. As she slipped through the door, he looked up.

"May I help you?"

"You can see me?"

"Of course. Do you need a pair of shoes?"

She looked down at her bare feet. "I do, but..." She took a step and pressed her heel on a sharp stone. "Oww. That hurts." She felt pain. She started to fall, but Thomas took her arm and helped her to a bench.

She had felt loneliness. Now she felt pain. That shouldn't happen. I shouldn't be here. She tried to make herself vanish, but couldn't. She felt for her wings, but they were not there. What is happening to me?

She turned to the one power that should be left, the one that defined her as an angel. She tried to slip into Thomas's mind, but found nothing. She found him looking at her with an odd expression. She looked into his eyes. She felt his concern for her; his interest; his loneliness; his pain. Now she understood. As an angel she could tinker with his mind. Now, as a human she could share those feelings, both the pain and the joy. In doing so, she knew she could help him through the pain. And she experienced a new feeling that angels did not know. Love was stronger than hope. It was stronger than despair. She felt love and the love took away her pain.