"Hey, Angie, I haven't eaten yet, and I guess you didn't either. Wanna go ahead and get something? I mean, the cafeteria is right here, or maybe we could go out someplace nicer?" I guess that's the thing to do when a girl tells you that she doesn't hate you, to ask her out, even if it is just for lunch.
"I could eat," she answered, though still kind of hesitantly.
"Cafeteria food, or maybe you'd like Joe B's?"
"Simon, you're pushing. The cafeteria is fine."
With that, we walked into the cafeteria, and if it wasn't exactly the greatest place for lunch, it still wasn't bad. It was still early enough that they were serving breakfast - why on earth didn't I think that Joe B's wasn't even open yet? - and the food was, well, ordinary. Still, it meant that I got to spend time with Angela, and if it was mostly small talk, at least I was getting to know more about her. Turned out she was a bio major, hoping to get into veterinary school, and apparently, it's harder to get into vet school than med school. What I was finding out was that she was smart, a lot smarter than average, and smarter than me.
Not that I thought I was stupid, or anything, maybe on the brighter side of average, but still average.
I did keep looking around, to see if Eric was there, since he already knew about me and Angie, or Heidi, her roommate, who certainly knew, and thought I was an asshole.
I really wanted to spend the day with Angela, spend the whole day, but the 'you're pushing' line she gave me was holding me back. Breakfast would be over for us in just a minute or so, and that (probably) meant that she'd head back up to her room, and I was sure that she wasn't going to invite me up with her. She was with me, now, but it was at least half reluctantly. I mean, she knew that she had to talk to me, but she was feeling wracked with guilt for having cheated on her hometown boyfriend, the guy she had been saving herself for.
And I had to wonder about him. She had said that they both wanted to have their first time on their wedding night, and while I had no real idea how girls felt about that, most guys wanted to get laid as soon, and as often, as possible. Hell, I had been horny since, well at least 13, if not earlier. I'd grown up with other guys talking about the sex we were (not) getting, how we'd amaze all the girls with how magnificent we were in bed, you know, all of the teenaged fantasies that guys have.
Had I known at 13 that I wouldn't lose my virginity until I was 20, I'd probably have killed myself! At 13, I just knew I would while I was 14, at 14, I assumed that, man, I was entering high school, surely I'd get laid by the end of my freshman year.
Well, sophomore year.
But, of course, those years passed, as did my junior year, and senior year, and freshman and sophomore years in college. I thought that I was going to die a virgin!
Yeah, I'm incredibly average, and I don't know, maybe I had just been trying too hard, probably looking a lot more desperate than desirable, and if I wasn't exactly shunned by girls or anything, I had been very solidly locked in the friend zone whenever I did get to know them.
It was so unfair, I thought, knowing that all (?) of the other guys in high school were getting laid. Heck, even some of the ultimate nerds had girlfriends. There was even a guy who acted like the ray gun geeks from Sixteen Candles who managed to score a girlfriend, somehow, though she was a nerd girl herself.
And then it just happened! I wasn't really trying, and Angie and I were just kind of thrown together at the Farmhouse fraternity party, and somehow, even though she had a boyfriend, we wound up making love in my dorm room. I guess it must've been the beer.
There had been a silence for the past couple of minutes, and Angie's plate was empty. I had to say something. "You know, your roommate gave me your cell number, because I was pleading with her to let me talk to you." I thought, just as soon as I said it, that might not have been the best way to put it; it might just piss her off. "I'll call your cell now, so that you'll get my number locked in."
"Oh, OK." Oh, man, that was about as deadpan a way to answer me as she could give without just telling me to erase her number. I'd lost my virginity to this girl, but now I was about to lose her completely.
"Listen, Simon, I think I'm going to go back home next weekend. I really have to see Stevie."
How the heck do I handle that? "Are you going to tell him about us?"
"Simon, there is no 'us,' there's just my one huge, terrible mistake. I love Steve!"
This wasn't the first time she had said this to me, and it was crushing, but, for the first time in my life, I had a girl to fight for, and even though I was scared shitless, I was going to fight for her. "Angela, it wasn't a mistake, it was the most wonderful moment in my life. I'm just tremendously in love with you, and I want to be with you, I want there to be an 'us.'"
"Oh, Hell, don't be stupid! We fucked, you busted my cherry, OK, and now you think you're in love, but you don't know me, we don't know each other. Everybody gets stupid about the first person they sleep with, and you don't have any idea what you really know or want or feel. Steve and I have known each other our whole lives, we've been in love with each other for years, we were just meant to be together. That's all there is to it."
"If everybody gets stupid about the first person they sleep with, does that mean you've gotten stupid about me?" I was desperate.
I'd also caught her off guard. It took her a second before she answered. "Yes, I've gotten stupid about you. I should hate you, I want to hate you, I screamed at you that I hate you, but I don't, I can't."
It was the boldest (sober) move of my life, as I took her hands in mine. "I messed up your life, and you want to hate me, but you can't. Angela, that means we have a chance. Please, let's take that chance."
Her eyes, those gorgeous hazel eyes, watered up a bit, but not quite enough to be actual crying. "I can't, Simon, I just can't." And with that, she got up, taking her tray to the disposal line. She stood before I did, and walked away, in a clear act of dismissal, but then I saw it, just one tear making its way down her left cheek, as she turned away.
oo0oo
I had let her walk away, not that I had any choice. I had been right on the edge of what some people would call sexual harassment, pushing myself on a woman who wished that I'd just go away, who wished that we'd never met. But I was not going to give up, I couldn't give up, though I had no idea how to proceed.
Still, at the moment, there was nothing to do but head up to my dorm room. Eric was still there.
"So, dude, how'd things go with Angie? You make up to her?"
I plopped down on my bunk, just looking at my roommate, not sure if he was the guy I wanted to talk to about my love life, but, then again, he was the only one available.
"I guess so, but it's pretty fucked up. She's got a boyfriend back home, and apparently they were 'saving themselves,'" I put my fingers up in air quotes, "for their wedding night. She thinks she ruined everything, and maybe she did, but at least she said that she doesn't hate me."
"Wow, she doesn't hate you, that's one heck of a thing to say."
"Well, it's better than when she screamed that she did hate me, when she took off out of the room this morning. At least I don't think she's going to say I forced her. But she's going back home this coming weekend, to be with her boyfriend."
"She gonna tell him?"
"Shit, I don't know, I don't think she knows. She's feeling really guilty about it, and I don't now how badly that's going to eat her up when she sees him, and if she can hide it. She was a gymnast in high school, so she's got all of the excuse she needs for not having a hymen, you know, so she really could keep it from him if she tried. Thing is, she tries to be all self-controlled, but doesn't do that all that well, kind of wears her emotions on her sleeve at times. If she doesn't tell him, eventually he's going to figure out that something's different, unless he's just clueless.
"Of course, there's another thing. Heidi told me that she wasn't on the pill and we didn't use anything last night, so she could have gotten pregnant. Heidi suggested that maybe she was heading to Student Health to get a 'morning after' pill, but she didn't do that, at least not yet. I don't know how long she has to take one before it won't work."
"OK, let me Google it on my phone." After a minute or so, Eric told me, "Looks like she's got maybe five days to get one, if that what she wants to do."
"Really? That long? I figured it'd only be a day or so."
"That's what it says, though maybe it's not as effective the longer she waits. You gonna 'remind' her of that?"
"Oh, not just no, but Hell no! I mean, I don't want her to be pregnant or anything, but pushing that on her would make me seem callous. Thing is, I really, really like her." I didn't want to tell Eric I was in love with her, 'cause that would sound too sappy, especially since he knows that she's my first.
"Dude, that's just nuts. Yeah, she's the first girl you fucked, so what? There are a lot more fish in the sea, and now that you've gotten that first piece of pussy out of the way, you'll start getting a lot luckier, a lot more often. Hell, there are 15,000 girls at UK, and most of them are cute, and down to fuck."
You know, that's kind of how I thought things would be when I first started college, and kept wondering why I couldn't score. But now, having made love with Angela, my whole perspective has changed. Yeah, maybe there are thousands of cute coeds around here, but I just know I'll be happiest with just Angie. In a way, the way Eric put it kind of pissed me off, but I didn't say anything about that.
