An Autumn Picnic

It all started one day, four years ago, when we decided to build a new home. Happily married and pregnant with my second child, I was hardly looking for a crush to complicate my life. I walked into the model home and was smitten. The house was perfect, and the realtor that showed me the layout had a personality that I instantly clicked with. "Hi, I'm Robert" he said. I can pretty much say he had me at hello. He had smiling blue eyes, a soft voice and warm personality that I instantly trusted.

Several months passed and we became friends. What should have been completely a professional relationship seemed a lot more personal and warm to me. He asked how my husband and I met, what my job used to be before I became an at home mom. The last thing I ever felt was sexy, since I was round as a watermelon and chasing a toddler. Why would this beautiful man talk to me for hours?

When my baby was born, I felt even more invisible. My husband worked longer hours, I rarely got to shower before late afternoon, dinner was never on time and I reeked of spitup and milk soaked bras. My husband would come home to a mess and be very irritated that I got nothing done over the course of the day. Life was pure chaos and yet, we still needed to pack our home and move into the new one. One day, the doorbell rang. I answered the door and there was Robert! The house was a disaster, I was particularly messy from my child filled day, and of course I hadn't showered.

"Oh my, I wasn't expecting visitors today" I said, as I opened the door.

"It's ok, I'm just stopping by to drop off some paperwork that you will need before you close next week"

"Thankyou for driving all the way out here for me, you could have saved the time and mailed them."

"Don't worry about it. You are one of my favorite clients and I wanted to see how you were doing?"

"Just trying to survive the day I suppose. Christine is upstairs coloring and TJ has been crying all day. I can't put him down for a nap. I haven't showered, we move next week and the house is hardly packed, Brad is working super long hours and I just don't know how I'm going to make it!"

"Oh Jen, you look great considering all you are trying to get done. You are an amazing mother to put up with everything being thrown at you and don't worry about your house being messy. As of next week, you won't ever have to clean it again! But I have to run for now, I'm late for a meeting. I could stay and talk to you all day though, and will see you soon!"

Wow... I look great? Wow wow... this man who hasn't been around kids or moms for years understands my needs to feel like a girl and not just a mom. When was the last time Brad said anything to me about looking decent? When was the last time he looked at me with that glint in his eyes, or talked to me softly, or even appreciated me at all?

As time moved on, I became closer to Robert. We bought our house, the deal was closed, we'd long ago moved in. Still, I couldn't forget about the man who made me feel beautiful amongst my chaotic and unglamorous life. Sweaty and disheveled with no makeup and hair in a quick ponytail, he appreciated me for who I was and eagerly visited with me when I'd stop by his model homes. For fleeting moments, the million dollar homes that he represented felt like ours alone. Secluded in the woods, the houses were vast and warm. We would chat by the fireplace for an hour, talking about how many homes he'd sold, how the kids had grown, anything but our feelings. The softness in his voice told me all I needed to know. Unfortunately, he was heading down the same road that I had already traveled. He was engaged. He chose not to talk about her, the wedding, the impending plans. It somehow made our friendship seem more fair- it was taboo for both of us, and secrets to be held by only us.

One day, I decided to bring him photos of our updated home- we had painted many rooms and added a deck. I walked into his model and told him I had photos. He was with another client and he would be with me shortly. I left the pile of photos on the kitchen counter and proceeded to hide away in the master suite while he finished his meeting. I changed my mind and decided that I wanted to listen to his melodic voice, so I crossed the hallway to one of the bedrooms. The floor creaked and he stopped mid sentence, forgetting what he was saying. I know that all he could think about was getting his clients out so he could chat with me. The very thought made me hot, and I thought for half a second about getting off while listening to his voice. But no... if I'm going to experience pleasure because of him, I want him to be with me and know about it.

Once his clients left, he quietly waited for me, while flipping through the photos. It took me a few moments before I realized we were alone and I walked downstairs. At this point, I was trying to conceal the previous hot thoughts about him, and I swear he knew I was blushing!

"Did you take these pictures? They are awesome!'

"Oh yes... you don't have to look at all of them, I had a bunch printed and only a few of them will interest you"

"Oh Jen, I didn't realize you took photos like this."

"Yeah, it's one of my favorite hobbies. I do a lot of portraits for other people and am starting to shoot small weddings also"

"Jen, come work for us. Take photos of our model homes for the publications. You have an eye for the design of our homes, I'm sure you can do this"

"Wow, ok... I'll ask Brad what he thinks. I'm sure he'll let me since he wishes I'd earn some money instead of spending it all. I'd love to do this for you, and for our builder. I'm so excited!"

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As I drive the 43 miles to the new model home that I'm supposed to photograph, I listen to the radio loud and think about how much I love my new job. I work only a few hours a month, and I get to take photos of amazing homes. And every now and then I get a sneak peek at Robert when I'm in the office dropping off photo CD's.

I let myself into the brand new home and look around for a while. It's a model I've never seen before and I'm thinking about the architect. I know his style, and I know that he has details that he's passionate about. What would his favorite part of this home be? What is special and different? What are the lines that are most attractive, and what angles would be best for photographing?

As I set up my tripod, I hear the front door opening. Darn, I say to myself... I forgot to lock the door. There is a customer here wanting to see the house, and I'm not a licensed agent. I turned around, and there is Robert.

"Wow, long time no see. You startled me, I thought I locked the door"

"You did, but I have a key! Sorry to startle you. What are you working on?"

"Well, nothing yet. Just getting an idea of what Gary was trying to accent when he designed this home. It's gorgeous. I love the roman columns in the great room, and the window groupings let so much light in. The decorating is so French country, which is so different than your usual models"

"Yeah, we have a different decorator lately. I'm not sure I like her ideas, but I think it targets a different audience. These homes keep getting more expensive and we need to think about designing for wealthier empty nesters. They just don't like the same style as you young buyers."

"Us young buyers, huh?"

"There is definitely a style that appeals to you more than the older crowd" he said, with a wink and that dreamy smile. "I'll let you work, I have to go and check on a few homes down the street anyway. Be sure and catch up with me before you go!"

I quickly got my work done. Maybe a little too quickly, but I know I got some great shots. The house speaks for itself, the photos don't need to be perfect. I pack my gear away and walk down the street.

"Hey you... who's house is this?"

"It's one of my customers. They are in their late 50's, one child that has moved out. I don't know what they are going to do with 6 bedrooms and 4500 square feet."

"Wow, guess they are hoping for a lot of grandkids!"

"Don't you hope for a lot of grandkids? You are such a passionate mother, your kids are so loved. I couldn't imagine you not having a whole lot of grandkids some day. I wish my son were loved like your kids"

"You don't talk about him much. I know he's 13. I've met him once, a long time ago."

"Yeah, my ex wife. It's not very pleasant. I was 21 when he was born. I spend a lot of time with him, but I have to fight her to get that time. She calls me all the time and I just can't wait for the day that he can decide who he wants to be with and I don't have to deal with her at all anymore."

"Wow. I'm sorry... I didn't even know you were married to her at one point. 21 is so young to be married."

"It's ok, it's a part of who I am, it has taught me a lot and I've moved on. I have an awesome son that I wouldn't have had if I didn't make the mistakes I did. In fact, he's waiting for me now, so I have to run."

As he climbed in his truck, I looked back over my shoulder. He was smiling and waving. I was half tempted to blow him a kiss, but I still wasn't sure how he felt about me. I know I loved him, he seemed to love me back, but where does the 'official' affair start? Is it the feelings? Is it the physical touch? We'd come so close to touching, but always shied away. We knew it was wrong.

I drove home in silence, not sure what to feel. I was on top of the world, I loved it when he revealed secrets from his past, told me how he felt. Five of my neighbors bought houses through him, and none of them hardly remember his name, Elaine mentioned that he never once talked about himself. I know that I was so much more than just a client to him. It also made me sad to know that I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to kiss those soft, smiling lips.

When I got home, I was greeted by two loving kids. My heart sank as I realized that what I was doing could hurt them so much. But then I looked around the house. Every room was trashed, and Brad was watching the football game. He hardly even noticed that I got home. It was 3 in the afternoon and the kids had hardly had a snack, let alone a full blown cooked meal, and TJ was still wearing his night diapers.

"Did ya happen to notice that you have a family today? Did you even know I was gone?"

"Sure sweetie, I took care of the kids. They had cereal for breakfast"

"I noticed. The bowls are turned upside down and dripping onto the floor. How am I supposed to feel good about leaving here to go to work when I know that you do nothing except watch tv? I only work one day every six weeks."

"And I work every day. When do I get time off?"

"When you sleep. Notice that I stay up until 3am regularly to clean up this house. Maybe we could invest in a house keeper so that I am not constantly overwhelmed and irritated. Guess you don't realize that even though I never leave home, that's because this IS my job"

"Whatever. Just go do whatever you want. The house will be fine"

I stormed off into my office, ready to cry. How can I live with a man who takes me for granted? I guess it's better than my other option. Single motherhood is not something I would enjoy. I'd have to give up my precious children to a daycare provider, and give up the beautiful home that Robert built for me. Robert's not available anyway, so I guess I have the best of both worlds. I will just keep my mouth shut.

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"Christine, TJ, come on, let's get ready for our trip to the park!"

"Ok Mommy!"

I set out breakfast and proceeded to pack a picnic. The kids came running down the stairs in the outfits I'd laid out. I braided Christine's hair while she ate her cereal, and packed my camera bag. After I dropped off the Model home photos at the builder, we were going to walk around the lake and do fall portraits at the gardens.

"Hi Jessie! I'm here to drop off the photos of the Carter model. Here's a CD."

"Thanks Jen, I'll be sure and drop it off in Gail's box."

As I turned around to leave, I heard Robert run up behind me.

"Hey, don't go yet, I thought I heard your voice! I haven't seen you in almost a month! How have you been?"

"Oh, great! The kids are waiting outside in the truck though, I promised them I'd only be a couple seconds."

"I'm actually taking off for the day. I've worked every afternoon this week, plus Saturday and Sunday and I don't have any client meetings this afternoon. Let me walk you out"

"We are going up to the uptown lakes to walk around and do portraits and a picnic, so the kids are dressed up. You haven't seen them in nearly a year. Here they are!"

"Oh wow, they aren't getting any smaller. Christine's hair is so long and blonde. Say, I live two miles from the lake now, you have never seen my new home. Do you want to stop by?"

"Sure! I'd love to tour your new place."

"I don't have any plans either. I'm sure Toby would like to walk around the lake too. Do you mind if I join you guys?"

"Oh, that would be SO great. You could help me watch the kids while I get their portraits too."

We both drove off in the direction of his house. The tour was awesome. His wife has great taste I must say, the house was decorated exquisitely. It was hard looking at the bedroom that I knew I'd never sleep in, knowing that she can have him anytime she wanted. Damn her. I'm sure she took him for granted much like Brad ignored me.

"You ready to go?" Robert called from downstairs.

"Yep!"

He packed his lunch and his dog into the back of our SUV and drove with me to the gardens.

"I want to get pics of the kiddos before they get peanut butter smeared on their clothes"

"No problem. I packed a little rake also so we could jump in the leaf piles with the kids"

Suddenly it hit me. Brad had never wanted to jump in leaf piles, or even plan anything at all for the kids to do. Too messy, too time consuming, or the football game was on. Always something. Was Robert falling in love with my children? Is this what it felt like to be a happy family?

As I set up the camera, Robert raked a pile of leaves and taught TJ and Christine to throw them up in the air. I got plenty of snapshots of the three of them laughing, and the dog running into the falling leaves as well. At one point, I had to turn to wipe a tear away. This felt right, no matter how wrong it really was. After I had plenty of leaf photos, I took the kids out individually to get portraits done. Robert played with TJ while I took Christine's pics, and vice versa. Brad hates my photography. He's done with me before the kids are even done. He's completely non cooperative and won't help. Robert let me take as many photos as I wanted, and it ended up being nearly a half an hour shoot as I set the kids up in different areas of the garden. When I was confident that I had what I wanted, we packed the kids into the bike trailer and walked our picnics over to the playground area.

We set up our lunches on the blanket and fed the kids. When they were done, they ran down to the park. Robert pulls out a small bottle of wine and a couple of Dixie cups. I giggled, it was so cute!

"I hardly ever get to picnic, and I think wine is an appropriate drink, isn't it?"

"Oh Robert, you are so funny. I'm glad it's a small bottle because I get tipsy so easy!"

He grins and pours us both a cup. He laid down on his side and sips at his wine. We are both watching the kids in the distance.

"I met you before you were even showing your pregnancy with TJ. You had just found out you were pregnant. Now he's almost 3 and he's such an independent little boy. He's grown up so fast"

"Stop or I'll cry. Christine was only 13 months old when we met. She'll be 5 in January you know."

We sipped our wine in silence and enjoyed the fall breeze.

"Oh look, a white dandelion, I thought these were out of season long ago." Robert smiled at me as I tried to blow off all the dandelion feathers. I succeeded in blowing about one quarter of them into the wind.

"Oh man, guess my wish won't be coming true"

"What did you wish for?"

"Can't tell, because then it for sure wouldn't come true. You'll have to guess"

"Is it the standard one? One million dollars?"

"Sure! I'll take it. Then I can build a new house and work with you all over again"

"But that wasn't the real wish"

"Nope" I said, as I took the dandelion and traced it along his nose in the most bold flirtations move that I'd made to him. The wine was going straight to my head and I couldn't believe how brazen I had become.

He took the hint and sat up and combed his hand through my hair. I looked up at his eyes and tried to see what he was thinking. His soft blue eyes just stared into mine as I tried to answer that my wish was for a kiss. I smiled softly to him and he leaned in and kissed me so tenderly on the lips. It was short and sweet and exactly the answer I'd been searching for all this time. I turned away and watched the kids, tears forming in my eyes.

"What's wrong Jen?" he almost whispered.

"Absolutely nothing. It's so right that it just made me realize that you felt for me what I feel for you"

I turned to him and he cupped my chin again and kissed me again, this time longer and with more passion. I opened my lips slightly and let him in, letting him know that I was his, even if only for that moment. My head was spinning and my heart was doing cartwheels. FINALLY! He pulled me closer and wrapped his arm around my back as his tongue asked for more of me. I opened more and started kissing him the way he was kissing me. His moustache tickled and made me giggle. He broke away and said that if THAT tickled, where else was I ticklish? He tickled me on my ribs, causing me to fall backwards and lay down. Dandelion still in hand, I traced his beautiful face as he looked down at me. He just smiled. I reached up and then traced my finger around his lips, and pulled him to me. We kissed for a few minutes more in the cool autumn air and decided to get up and take our walk around the lake. For two miles, we talked, hugged, held hands while we pushed the stroller with the kids and the small dog. By the end of our walk, all three of them were napping, and we gently put them in the car so as to not wake anyone up. We knew we had to say our goodbye's at the lake since he had neighbors that might spy on us and report to his wife.

As I finished buckling Christine in, he moved right behind me. I shut the door, turned around and leaned against the truck. He grabbed both of my hands and leaned over and kissed me.

"Thanks for the lovely afternoon Jen"

"I don't want it to end"

"I don't either. We have a long road together, figuring things out. It's not going to be easy. Neither of us can leave home, we both have kids to think about."

"Yes, I know. Your son doesn't need a third mother and my kids love their dad"

"As it should be. Just know that I love you and want to be part of your life for a long time. Damn it feels good to finally say that."

I smiled and gave him one final kiss on the nose. "I'm not going anywhere..."

We hopped in the car and I drove him home in silence.