I think Alvarez is out to get me. And that he might be evil. But I swear I am the only one who can see him for who he really is. Everyone else in our Unit is blind.
For one thing he hates Mexicans. Or close to it at least. Because I remember how happy Alvarez was when Trump had just made his bid for the Presidency in 2014.
Now, I've never been one into politics other than to know I believe that I deserve basic human rights and to decide what to do with my own body. Being African American and a woman at that means the government, whether I like it or not, can sometimes forget that I exist.
And although I felt sad when I heard about Treyvon Martin getting shot and the police shootings that followed and I understood the idea behind being able to choose whether or not I want to have a child...I'll be honest. I am not the type of black person who marches with a Black Lives Matter sign or the type of woman who wears My Body, My Choice t-shirts.
So, I often feel like an imposter whenever someone comes up to me and starts talking about what is going on with the world or my views on it. But seeing as though I am in the United States Army, those types of questions aren't really brought up anyway. Although you'd think otherwise.
Unless, of course, Alvarez talks to me.
He is the only one who talks to me actually.
You see, although I thought that joining the military meant that everyone is made equal and it sometimes makes me think we should all join, because putting on that uniform takes you from black, white, red, yellow, brown, or purple and just makes you all green instead...
My hopes went out the window because such a thing as rank and being part of the group exists.
You have to respect those who are a higher rank than you.
Now, Alvarez isn't a very high rank. But he is, however, higher ranking than me.
I came to the Military fresh out of High School with no rank at all. And I am only a private... Alvarez, though he has been in the same amount of time as me, has the rank of a PFC. Mainly because he is a high speed soldier.
I've come to know quite a few things about Alvarez because we went to Basic Training, AIT, and managed to get stationed at the same base together. And during that whole time he is the only one that would talk to me like I told you before.
Some of the things I know about Alvarez is that his first name is Christopher. Christopher Alvarez.
I know that he is from New York.
His favorite color is black.
His mom isn't in his life.
He was raised by his dad.
And I know that he's out to get me, but no one else can see it like I also told you before.
But when Trump put in his bid for Presidency, I learned another thing about Alvarez.
That he hates Mexicans. Or more specially, Alvarez as a Cuban hates Mexicans.
I remember how happy he was when Trump said he was going to build a wall. Now, you would think that because I am from two marginalized groups I would have stood up to Alvarez and called him out on his bullshit.
But the truth is, there are two things I also know. But they are about me.
One...That Alvarez is more well liked than me and telling him to not say mean things about Mexicans is as detrimental to my existence right now as taking the lord's name in vain in a church would be.
Because well liked soldiers are like God in the Army. To go against them would be blasphemy.
Two...I don't really talk. At all. Unless it is to Alvarez. But I've learned not to open up to him anymore because he might use it against me later around other people by telling them I said I like to eat dirt when I really just told him that one time when I was three I decided to try eating dirt and it tasted so nasty that I spit it back out.
I wouldn't say that I am scared to talk. It is just that I am quiet and I prefer to observe and listen more than I do to speak my mind.
But being quiet in the Army isn't a good thing. It hinders me from fitting in.
Even in High School I had a hard time with fitting in. Somehow, I thought when I graduated all of that would go away. I believed that becoming an adult meant that all of that was over and put behind me.
But the truth is: High School never really ends.
It just changes to something different.
If the Military were like my High School, Alvarez would be a popular football player because of his PT scores and how he always qualifies as a sharpshooter on his weapon at the range.
I, on the other hand, would be an outcast. Especially since I almost didn't pass Basic because I couldn't hit a target to save my life. And I barely make enough points to pass my PT test.
It isn't that I wear glasses or I'm out of shape. Actually, I have great vision and I'm quite skinny.
But I've never been sporty or athletic. So, things like guns and pushups don't come naturally to me.
I only joined the Army because I want to be able to pay for College. My plan isn't to make it a career but to do my four years and get out.
Alvarez, however, is huah huah. Very much so.
I thought that being quiet would make me invisible, but to my dismay, being quiet has only made me more visible to people who like to single out others.
People like Alvarez.
The sad thing is, I can't seem to escape him.
Every time I think I might get a fresh start...there he is right beside me.
But even though Alvarez picks on me in front of the others, it is also a weird thing because he is the only person that actually talks to me. And he is the only person I know. So, in a sick twisted way I depend on him.
Especially at Basic when I couldn't qualify on my weapon. I was almost about to be recycled. But Alvarez helped me and showed me how to at least do a proper hold and breathing techniques so I could steady my aim. He stayed and practiced with me to do dime drills. And when I managed to pass by one point, he was the only person that congratulated me.
Then whenever we go to the field, he is the only one who would sit and eat with me. Everyone else just sort of left me alone. And during land navigation, he was the only one who would be my partner. I didn't know where the hell we were going or what he knew that I didn't, but we managed to make it to where we were supposed to be because he knew what he was doing.
So, I know I wouldn't still be in the Army if it wasn't for him.
But I hate that he makes everyone call me Serial Killer.
One day everyone was standing in line for chow during an exercise at Basic, and I walked up silently beside a group of our battles. Well, one of them turned around and was surprised that I had been standing next to them the whole time.
But before I could say anything, Alvarez made a comment that I don't talk and that I am like a serial killer. Which got everyone laughing. And soon it became my nickname. Even my Drill Sergeants started calling me Serial Killer. That's how bad it is.
It hurts to not feel like you fit in.
Sometimes I want to go home.
I can get pretty depressed, but I've never been one to quit.
Truthfully, I have never felt like I've fit in.
High School was like this and now my Military experience is becoming another four years of it.
But I know if I could survive it once, I can survive it twice.
I just hope and pray that the next stage of my life won't be the same as these two I've lived and am living now.
But it is funny how life works, because things only start to change the moment you actually decide that you want them to.
XxxxxxX
Today is any regular old day of PT.
And I am in the back of the formation, mostly because I am the slowest runner. Usually, some of the other females will be in the back with me. And even some of the males. But this time it is just me.
However, I actually feel good. Usually I feel like I am about to die. But today I feel amazing. And the 1SG who is leading our group seems to be feeling it, too, because he is making us run the longest that we've ever had before.
I think we are about four miles in when I notice that some of my battles start to drop out of the formation. And not even the slow runners, either. But the ones who can usually keep up.
I watch as they even do the unthinkable...stop altogether.
Usually, like for me, someone will shout at them to get back in formation. But because we've been going for so long, everyone is out of breath or either doesn't blame them for dropping.
I can't help but look at them as I jog past.
They look tired, defeated, and...well, like how I always do.
My heart actually empathizes with them. These are people who call me a serial killer and talk behind my back because I cause us to go into overtime on the range whenever I can't seem to qualify. But I'm not a vindictive person. I don't treat others the way they treat me. Instead, I decide to treat them how I would want to be treated.
"Come on, guys!" I cry.
The look of shock that reads across most of their faces as I call out to them is warranted. Because I don't think I've spoken a single word to most of them before. Hell, I am surprised by my own damn self. I've never talked before. And the sound of my own voice sort of scares me. But I clear my throat and call again.
"You can do it!" I cheer, "Don't quit!"
A few of them look at me through their labored breathing. I reach out my hand.
"Just get up here with me!" I say encouragingly, "Come on, catch up with me!"
I watch as one of the girls who is known to be slower decides to take me up on that offer. And to my delight, she actually pushes herself to start jogging again and catches up by my side. I know her name is Bennett. But I doubt she knows that my actual name is Wilkins and not "Serial Killer" like Alvarez says.
"Good job, Bennett!" I tell her, "We've got this!"
And just like that...I've got a running partner.
Bennett and I are in sync so much that even our breathing seems to match up. And when I glance over my shoulder to see what happened to the others, to my surprise I see that they are following behind me in a little mini formation of my own.
I throw them all a smile.
"Good job guys!" I cry.
And just like that, we start catching up back to the main formation.
As we approach, I can see the ones who are still following the 1SG have stopped and are jogging in place.
"Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!" He chants.
We all file back into formation.
And when we start up again, I fall behind once more because of course I do. However, this time I see someone else fall out of the formation too. Bennett comes and jogs right by my side.
At first, I thought it's because she was just as tired as usual. But she is usually always ahead of me. However, when I start jogging a little slower than her to give her some space, she surprises me this time.
"Come on Wilkins," She calls to me, "Catch up to me"
And she sticks her hand out.
My heart literally drops to my knees in shock. This is the first time anyone has ever called me by my name.
"Come on!" She calls out again.
And I hurry to reach her. When I do she holds up her hand as if to give me a half five. And I just stare at it as we jog because I don't know if that is truly what she means.
"Girl, are you going to leave me hanging?" She asks.
I burst out laughing at the incredulousness. So much so that I have to stop to hold my sides. Bennett is laughing, too. And we both just stand there giggling.
So much so that the main formation has turned around to come get us.
When 1SG reaches us he looks at me and Bennett. Immediately I felt ashamed.
But instead he walks up to me and says, "Were you just smiling?"
The question takes me aback. I can't think of anything to say.
"Yes, she was 1SG," Bennett says and my heart drops to my knees.
There it goes again...just like Alvarez....
1SG puts his hand on my shoulder in front of the entire formation and smiles down at me.
"I've never seen you smile before Killer," He says, "You don't look as scary".
Everyone in our unit starts to laugh. And I realize that I am not in trouble. But that I am actually being complimented in a weird way.
"Thank you," I say awkwardly.
1SG's eyes get even wider.
"And you talk?" He asks.
