There are times I wish I were a child again. That place where blind innocence and unconditional trust of family and friends was the norm. No troubling thoughts or confusion of the mind. A beautiful state of ignorant bliss. But with that great desire to be a grown up and do all the things adults do, we run in haste to discard our childhood tranquility. And with it...life in the magic kingdom can throw some serious punches that hurt like hell. The untimely or timely death of a family members or friends. Serious illnesses of people we care about. Financial hardships and all the rest. But the worst pain that almost complete destroyed me was delivered by a young woman I fell in love with. Yeah, go figure.
I suppose introductions are in order. My name is Alexander Daniel Hamilton. Dan to my friends. I am 23 year old white male, 5'10", 175 lb., brown hair, blue eyes, fit, and some say I look a bit like Jake Gyllenhaal. Anyway, I get that a lot from people I meet.
The family background on both sides is English, Irish, Scottish, German, and Dutch. Another American Heinz 57 success story. The folks are decent, good, kind people who brought up my sister and me to respect and not to judge others on color of their skin, religion, or appearances. And while we didn't have a lot growing up, we had it better than others.
My mother was always willing to demonstrate for my sister and me examples of compassion. When passing a homeless person on the sidewalk, Mom would always drop a coin with a smile on her face. She would follow up after walking a bit by giving my sister and me a serious look but smile saying, "We have no idea what happened to that person that they ended up living on the streets. Only God knows that. Terrible things can happen to a person that damages and changes them inside so much they are not the same. It's not always easy but try to look for the good in people." I was a kid and really didn't understand how something could happen to someone to hurt them inside so badly, but it sure seemed pretty scary. But that's mom, forever looking for the good and not the bad in people.
My Dad was always the guy willing to lend a helping hand to anyone. I saw with my own eyes my Dad buy a pair of shoes for a kid of less fortunate family down the street hit with hard times. He brought them home scuffed them a bit and gave them to the boy telling him they were old shoes my mine and we were just going to throw them away. He even made of show of throwing in the outdoor trash can. He was always looking to do something good for someone. Another thing he would do is shovel the snow for the next door neighbor old Mrs. Wright during the winter. The old man's running joke was because it was the "right" thing to do.
Those are the just a couple of examples of life lessons given by Mom and Dad. It's like they were trying to fix the world with what little they had. We all went to church together growing up but we were not really a religious family, just regular folks with good hearts. That's how I grew up thinking the world worked.
My sister Deb is 3 years older and we fought like normal kids do growing up. But we love and confide in each other as only siblings do. Deb is now finishing her Doctorate in Phycology and wants to go into marriage counseling. She has a lot of mom and dad in her as she enjoys helping others so her occupation of choice is natural and fitting. She's a terrific person with so much love to give. She's been too busy with school and pursuing her dream that she hasn't found her other half yet. I worry about her sometimes. If anyone did something to hurt her I would kill them. Ok, that sounds a bit over the top but you catch my drift. I like to think I would badass anyway.
The years flew by and when it was time to go to University, I decided on one couple hours away from home. I didn't want to live on campus and was looking to find someone share an apartment with. While signing up for an elective class, "Movie Criticism" I hit the lottery when I met Brian. It's always a bit of luck finding a good roommate but I hit gold with Brian. How so? We were we shared 2 main qualities. (1) We totally respect each other's personal space and property (2) We're both financially responsible and lived within a budget.
Brian is taller (6'4"), bigger, outweighs me by 35 or 40 pounds, good looking and confident. He is also has a black belt in some martial art. He is outgoing, jokes all the time, and is pretty casual about everything. Basically a genuine good guy who hides it behind a very dry and coarse sense of humor reserved for close friends. He treats me like I was someone's younger brother who didn't know better.
It was through Brian I met his girlfriend Cheryl. She was not only pretty hot but genuinely a sincere, honest, sweet and kind person. You can't fake those qualities very long if that's not who you are... and really...what more can a guy hope for? You could see they were both totally devoted to each other. If you see them together you can almost feel the love. It's a beautiful thing to behold... and I'm happy for both of them... But...
Truth be told, I'm a bit envious of their relationship. They are so good together. They're both young, good looking, and fit perfectly together. Story book romance stuff but in reality. Sometimes when we all hang out together, I just observe them interacting. The way they looked at each other. It's nice. Wholesome. Good. And occasionally this brings to the surface my buried feelings of loneliness. I realize I am missing an important part of life. I had a couple girlfriends in high school but nothing serious. And University? Forget it. I'm majoring in software design and it's a tough. Good grades do not come easy for me. After studying all day and working a part-time job, stick me with a fork, I'm done. I don't have the energy to put my best self out there. Besides I have no game when it came to meeting woman. Add all that together and you get the picture. Loser. I sure did. As Beck sang, "I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me...double barrel buckshot".
As the old saying goes, if life gives you lemons, make sure you have a bottle of Vodka handy. So that's how I handled Friday and Saturday nights on the weekends. Brian would be getting ready for a night on the town with his honey ...and I...would be getting ready for hammer time. My favorite hammer was a shot of vodka followed by a beer. I sat on the couch in my shorts and a t-shirt channel surfing while numbing myself with alcohol. By the time Brian was heading out the door I had already had a couple shots and chasers. While heading out for the night, Brian would shoot some parting dumb ass wise guy thing like, "I know you're alone tonight so I left a box of tissues and some lotion on the bathroom counter. Feel free to use them. " That was my bud. Fucker.
This was our weekly routine for the next 10 or 11 months. Brian would head out and I would stay home and get smashed. I became quite the expert in alcohol abuse. Then one Friday evening as he was getting ready to walk out the door Brian looked at me dead serious and ask, "Dan, don't be offended or get mad at me for asking, ...but are you gay?"
I thought Brian was just messing with my head before going out but then again he had a look of sympathy or pity or something in his eyes. After a few moments of silence I realized he was asking a serious question.
"WTF man! Not no... but hell no! Jesus Brian, where this coming from?"
Brian put his hands up and laughed, "Hey bro, I don't care one way or another but Cheryl keeps asking me about you and who you're dating. You know me... I don't pry into another guy's personal life unless he brings it up. But since we've be living together you've never mentioned any significant other. So I told her you might be gay and I'd ask if you were. "
Now I want to make this absolutely clear, I am NOT homophobic and I believe in live and let live, but asking me if I am gay? Jesus H Christ! Friday nights alone sucked enough. At that moment I don't know what I felt more of, pissed off or bummed out. Not really at Brian for asking me if I was gay. I still couldn't tell if he was screwing with my head or what. I was out of sorts because I know I'm not a ladies man, but was I coming across to people as gay? Fuck me!
"Dude! Do you really think I'm gay???? Damn man that's insulting. Do I act gay? Am I throwing off some fucking gay vibe to give you that impression??? Fuck man, between my classes and the shitty part-time job I have, I don't have time or energy to meet a girl!"
Pausing for a moment to think of something to say, "Anyway, fuck me man, it's not in my cards right now. Shit! So yeah, but no I am NOT gay
Brian was having a good laugh now. I poured myself another shot, held it up in one hand and said, "Cheers to you Brian! Now get your pussy...assed ...whipped... self over to Cheryl's and piss off! I have serious drinking to do all by myself."
Looking at the floor for a moment while rubbing the back of his neck Brian looked up and said, "Dan, I don't know how to say this, so I'll just put it out there. Cheryl has got this thing about matching up single woman with single men. I don't know if it's hobby for her or she's on a mission from God. Whatever. And there is some bad news, good news stuff. Let's start with the bad news. The bad news is that once she gets in this mode, once you're in her sights, she's like a woman possessed."
In a much more upbeat voice, "The good news is, you're a good guy Dan. I hear what you're saying about school and work. You may get lucky. Anyway, she has it in her head she is going to start playing matchmaker for you and there is nothing I can do to stop her. In other words, don't hold this against me. OK?"
I looked at Brian, shook my head and laughed. "Well...you could tell Cheryl I'm gay and she'd drop the whole thing. OK?"
"Not hardly, she would find just find some gay guy for you to bend over for."
"Brian... you fucking cocksucker..."
"Dan, this is not about me and my life choices, it's about yours. So what do I tell Cheryl? Women? Men? Maybe a cross dresser so you can experience the best to both worlds?"
"Brian...you really need your own comedy show. Jesus man, your killing me here. Tell Cheryl I'm interested in only women. And not fat ones!"
Brian smirked, "Don't get your panties in bunch Danny boy, I'll pass along your request. No guarantees though. You know, you get what you pay for." With that, out walked that dick I call my roommate.
The following week Cheryl came over. Usually I would head out or go to my room because...well...three's a crowd right? But when I started to leave Cheryl asked me to stay and hang out with them for the evening. That was weird. I looked at Brian standing behind her in the kitchen for some kind of sign on what to do. Leaning against the counter he looked like he wanted to laugh but just smiled and rolled his eyes. Cheryl saw me looking at Brian and turned around to face him. He became all serious, "Yeah, we can all hang out tonight, order in a pizza, and watch a movie or something. Sound like a plan? " Cheryl turned back to me, "Hey that sounds like fun. What do you think Dan, would that be ok?"
I grinned at Brian. Smartass wasn't so smartass around Cheryl. She had just looked at him and he folded. The end. Pussy. Seriously, Brian could kick my ass up and down the street any day of the week, but to see him bend for his honey...priceless.
"Yeah, that er ...sounds like a good time...", and walked over to the closet to hang my jacket. Brian got on his cell, ordered the pizza while Cheryl pretty straight up explained to me she had some girlfriends interested in going out with me. I decided to just go with the flow and we all ended up sitting on the couch watching Netflix with Cheryl in the middle.
