Alice in Lonely Land

Two days after my fourth date with Ryan, there was a red envelope in my mailbox. Curiosity killed me and I opened it up right there, right then, not knowing Colin was standing at the elevators watching me.

Alice, I never thought it would be this hard to let go. You've moved on, if your dates are any indication, that hurts if I'm honest. I want more, I want everything with you, even if it means I have to sacrifice some thing else.

I told him.

That was it. That was the big reveal. It had been him the entire time. I looked up and saw him watching me, no emotion on his face. Turning I closed my mailbox and walked towards him.

Colin pressed the elevator call button and we stood in absolute silence. What should I say? What could I say? Nothing was the answer to that question. I had nothing to say.

At his floor Colin stood for a moment holding the door open as if he was going to say something. Then with a sigh he left without even looking at me. I rode the rest of the way ups fighting the urge to cry.

My phone rang when I walked in the door and I hesitated to pick it up thinking it was Colin, but it wasn't. Ryan's happy voice helped to make a dark day brighter.

"Hey sweet thing, how's my favourite brunette?"

I couldn't help but chuckle." Your favourite? I beat out Natalie Portman?"

"And Hallie Berry," he said. There was a grin in his voice that was infectious.

"Wow, I feel special." I did, he made me feel special. He made me feel important. So why was I thinking about a wide chested giant with a rare smile?

"You should," his voice took on a teasing tone. "Are you seeing your other boyfriend tonight or can I steal you away for a few hours?"

I didn't have plans but looking down at the letter in my hands I knew I'd struggle to give him the attention he deserved "I've had a rough day," I said. "Would you be offended if I said I wanted to stay home?"

"Would you like company?" There was hope in his voice and it made me feel bad. "We could watch a movie."

"I think Im going to clean my fridge and defrost my freezer if I'm honest."

He laughed. "You do you baby, I'll check in tomorrow and see how you feel. I want to show you my bat cave and cook you dinner."

"That sounds really great. I hear you're a stellar cook."

"I try." There must have been something in my voice because he said, "You'd tell me if it was about us, right?"

Closing my eyes I fought back tears. "I'm just feeling really fucked up right now. It's not fair to see you when I'm feeling like this."

"Today or long term?" I didn't answer and he took a deep breath. "I'll be honest that sucks, I feel pretty invested. I'm guessing things with Colin are still happening, have you been seeing him too?"

"No, God no." I couldn't have him thinking that. "It's just you, I swear, he just wrote me something and it messed with my head. I haven't seen him outside of the odd elevator ride. He lives in my building."

"That's got to be weird."

I huffed and said, "And awkward." My chest hurt but I pushed on. "I'm messed up about the note. I can't give you the attention you deserve right now."

"I get it. Thanks for being honest about it," he said. "Let's shelve things for now and if you want to go out again give me a random phone call and offer me fifty bucks in beer to go on a date with you."

That made me laugh and I thanked him for it. "You're a prince among men Ryan."

"Don't forget me beautiful, I'll be here thinking about you."

"Bye." I hung up the phone and the smile he left me with faded. This sucked. Epically sucked.

I wasn't lying when I said I was going to clean my fridge. I also defrosted my freezer, and the whole time I thought about that letter. After my fridge was back in order I picked it up again and reread it.

I wrote an answer, two questions writer on a scrap piece of paper shoved into a blue envelope.

Why did you tell him if I've moved on? What did he say when you told him?

I saved on postage and went down stairs in my house coat and slippers, and slipped it under his door because there wasn't a way to get it into his mail box.

The next morning I was headed into the kitchen for a cup of coffee when a red envelope slid under the door. Frozen in place I waited until the footsteps faded before going to pick it up.

It wasn't addressed the same way this time the envelope said to Alice of lonely land. Tears already started to form so I went and stood by the tissue box just to be safe.

Thank you for writing back, I thought you'd cut me out of your life completely, but I guess you still could.

I told him because I had to. I'm tired of lying about it. I'm tired of hiding my feelings. You dating Ryan doesn't change how I feel, it doesn't make it easier facing my brother feeling what I feel for you.

He said he knew I had a thing for you because of the way I looked at you every time he'd bring you around. He knew you'd been over that night because he's never met any one who would buy that 'overpriced, foul tasting' wine you love. He also knew something went wrong and that's why he tried so hard to get you to come for breakfast.

Makes me feel pretty stupid now. I fucked things up with you and all that time he knew and had no problem with it.

Now your with Ryan and it's too late.

Is it too late?

I thought about my answer the whole way to work, all day at work and I wrote my reply on the train home.

I never knew. I had no idea. I just knew I liked you more than your brother, which seems weird. Well, it sounds weird, but it's true. I even found myself chasing your smiles.

You say you can't hide your feelings from him, but what about me? Are you going to hide them from me?

You did fuck things up. You fucked me up and now I told a great guy who's been nothing but amazing, invested, and good to me that I can't date him because I'm all fucked up about this.

So thanks for that.

He was at the mailboxes when I walked in the lobby. His eyes dropped to the blue envelope in my hands and he didn't move a muscle as I walked over, got my mail, walked over to him and slid it into his mailbox.

He grabbed it, locked his box and followed me to the elevator. On the way upstairs he ripped into it and I kept my eyes focused on the little numbers across the top of the door that were slowly counting up.

At his floor he stood fixed in place and the doors opened and shut. At my floor I hit the button for his floor and left him there. As long as he didn't follow me I was happy.

Half an hour into me washing my floors on my hands and knees, a red envelope slid under the door. Wiping my hands I crawled over and picked it up. I was greeted with two short lines.

I'm not sorry I fucked things up between you and Ryan.

I want to tell you how I feel in person. Dinner, my place, 6:45.

It was half an hour away. Man, I was seriously torn. A huge part of me wanted to know. Another part of me didn't want to. He'd hurt me. He'd made me want something, shown me just how good it could be then told me I couldn't have it. What's to say it wouldn't happen again?

Fifteen minutes later I stood in front of my closet assessing my options. After some contemplation I selected a green halter dress, just like the red one this was backless, no bra could be worn. I brushed my hair, then my teeth, put on a charm bracelet for good luck and went down stairs.

He must have been hovering, because my hand was still poised to knock a second time when the door swung open. Relief was the overwhelming emotion I saw, Outside of that he looked good, in a blue dress shirt, slacks, and a tie. The sleeves were rolled up, probably because he was cooking but it was a good look for him.

Without thinking I reached out and straightened his tie. That made him smile a little. I stared at it, completely incapable of looking up at him. The smile fell and twice he opened his mouth then closed it as if he didn't know what to say.

So instead he took me by the hand and pulled me inside. "Sit," he said, pointing to the couch. I settled into a corner bringing one leg up underneath me so I was half cross legged and breathed deep.

Colin puttered about the kitchen stirring a few things, then poured me a glass of my favorite wine. He tried to catch my eye when he brought it to me but I couldn't look at him. Not then or all through dinner. I ate the delicious stir fry in silence, as did he. Afterwards, he got me another glass and pointed me back to the couch.

When he was settled across from me, he asked, "Are you ever going to look me in the eye?" He too turned his body to face me, only he sat close enough to touch me, which he did. Colin reached out and started writing something on the bare skin of my knee but I was too distracted to try and figure it out

I shrugged and eventually, very slowly brought my eyes to his. Relief, I saw that flash of relief again. The ache in my heart eased up when I looked into the stormy eyes I saw in my dreams. It felt, easier to breathe.

"The first time I saw you I couldn't take my eyes of your smile. The sound of your laughter stayed in my head for weeks." The hand on my leg kept writing, going back and forth over and over. "I was so incredibly jealous. Then I found out you lived here in my building and I gave myself hell. If I hadn't gone into work early and stayed late every day I might have met you first."

"I see you nearly every day." A frown marred my face and I watched him nod.

"I matched my schedule to yours, I needed to see you even if that's all I got." Colin let out a heavy sigh. "I'm not sorry about Valentine's day. No, that's not true. I'm not sorry for coming on to you. I'm sorry for the letter, for telling you I wanted more than telling you I couldn't give it to you. That wasn't fair."

"It was cruel," I said. "I wish you hadn't."

A look passed across his face that pulled at my heart. "Please don't say that." Colin rubbed the back of his neck. "We are good together. This is good." He scooted forward and reached out to brush his thumb over my bottom lip. His chest rose and fell with each deep breath, and he moved to lean in.

It was hesitant, he was hesitant. Using one hand to brace himself and the other to tilt my face up to meet his, Colin gave me the sweetest kiss. It was part apology, in part a plea for forgiveness, and filled with the same need I felt for him.

I closed my eyes and felt myself drowning in hurt. I felt like this was still a game, like I'd open my eyes and he'd tell me it was too much. How had I gotten so involved in him, I asked myself. The truth was I was lonely, and after Calum I needed to feel wanted, beautiful, desired, and he'd made me feel that way.

In one short night he'd brought me up so high and sent me spiralling back down. I'd gone back to him because I didn't want to let go of that high and he'd hurt me again. In his letter he'd said he wanted more, he wanted everything. I wanted everything.

I wanted someone to share my life with, Someone to laugh with, who'd hold me when I cried. I wanted love, devotion, honesty, dedication, and investment, because that's what I was giving him even though he'd said it couldn't go further. I tried to be invested in Ryan, but the truth was my heart was only ever with Colin. From the moment he came on to me, my heart was his.

I shifted and his hand went from my face to my waist. "Please don't leave," his words brushed against my lips. "Please don't leave until I've found a way to fix this." His head pulled back and his forehead dropped to mine and I closed my eyes. This hurt so much. I wanted this so much but I didn't trust it.

"I love sleeping with you. I love holding you and feeling your head on my shoulder. It feels right, there's no where else I'd rather be right now."

I wanted to be there too and before I knew what I was doing, I'd said the same. Colin froze and his lips came down and brushed against mine. He stood and held out a hand. For the longest time I sat there staring at his hand, but he was incredibly patient and waited for me.

When I finally took it, because we both know I took it, his hand wrapped around mine and he led the way to the bed. This time I slid in under the covers fully dressed and he followed after pulling off his socks,

I waited until he'd slid an arm under my head before letting it rest on his chest. Colin pulled at his tie and undid the top two buttons of his shirt and I wiggled around trying to get comfortable. In the end his hand slid around my bare back and under the side of my dress to rest on the skin below my breast. I slung one leg over his and my hands played with the buttons of his shirt. He kissed my head and blew my mind

"I think I love you Alice." I froze when he said that. "I haven't been able to make a relationship work since I met you. Watching you with Ryan hurts, physically hurts, I can't do it. I think about you constantly, I think about kissing you, about being with you constantly."

"You just want sex," I stiffened and pulled away. "You want what you can't get and when you do it will be done."

"No." He rolled over and used his body to pin me to the bed. "I want to be with you. I want a relationship with you. I don't want to have sex, I want to make love to you."

I looked up at him and searched his face for any sign of lying, he wasn't as good a liar as his brother but he had me fooled with the letter. I saw honesty, regret, sadness and pain. I saw need too. The need for me to believe him, the need for me to stay.

My hands ran up his arms and he visibly relaxed. With a frown I shook my head. "I'm not having sex with you."

He let out the breath he'd been holding. "As long as you spend the night, I don't care." Leaning down he pressed a light kiss to my lips. "Stay, give me time to fix this. I can fix this."

I believed him, I was already softening, my heart already hurt less. When I nodded his face lit up and he hit me with a kiss that left me wanting things I shouldn't have wanted just then. He kissed me over and over for what felt like hours, then pulled back and got out of bed.

Taking off his shirt he handed it to me. "Wear this tonight." He stopped me when I moved to the washroom. "Here, please. I promise I'll be good, but I need you. I need to see you."

My body burst in to flames. I met the intensity in his stare with a fluttering heart. Dropping the shirt on the bed, I reached up and undid the clasp at my neck. The top fell forward and I heard him suck in a sharp breath then groan. I reached around to undo the zipper of my skirt and his hands clenched at his sides.

When my dress dropped, he lurched forward and sealed his lips to mine. His hands came up to cup my face and he came close enough that every once in a while his chest would brush against mine, stoking the fire within me. He was good though, his hands never moved from my face. He kissed me with a passion that blew my mind. It made me feel more than just beautiful, it made me feel loved.

After a few minutes of loving me like that, he pulled away. "Get into bed Alice, I'll be back in a few minutes." He had another of those cold showers and slid into bed with me. As if he could read my mind, he said, "It's worth it. I'll take a dozen freezing cold showers if it means I get to look at you then share a bed with you." He kissed the top of my head, "Take as long as you need. I'll make you believe it some day."

He'd make me believe it sooner than he thought.

I laid awake for hours and long after he'd completely relaxed, long after his heart rate had slowed and his breathing had become deep, I gave him my confession in whispered words spoken into the dead of night.

"I think I love you too. That's why it hurts so much." I was too lost in thought to hear his breath catch in his throat. "It's crazy, it feels so crazy, crazy and right. The first time you touched me it felt like the right key had found the lock in my heart."

"Say it again," he spoke softly, but it made me freeze. "Say it again Alice, I need to hear it."

I laid there for the longest time until he rolled us over, settled himself over me braced himself on his elbows and cupped my cheeks. "Say it again, please."

"I think I love you too."

He took a deep breath and let it out on the back of three words, "Oh, thank God." Then he kissed me and that key found it's lock again. "Spend the day with me tomorrow, "he said, "Call in sick and spend the day with me. I think we both need it."

"You're crazy."

He shook his head, a frown etched into his forehead. "I'm afraid if I let you go you'll disappear or decide you don't want me any more, It's Friday. Take the day off and spend the weekend with me and let me show you what this will be like,"

I took a deep breath. "Alright."

He kissed me until I forgot everything but him.

----

Author's note:

Thank you for reading this story, I'm sorry it didn't have any hot and steamy moments, the character's wrote themselves and I had to stay true. I have some sexy stories coming so stay tuned.