Ahhh Rosie....

My name is Rosie; I work in a diner. I’ve been in this town all my life, I’m 29; basically still a virgin, not quite but nearly. I haven’t dated in, ohh it has to be at least 6 years. Not that I haven’t had the opportunity. I’m no glamour but I’ve looks enough.

It was just after I met him and fell madly in love with him, that dating other men became unnatural for me… He comes in here everyday and over the years we’ve talked a fair bit, he still doesn’t know that I’m in love with him and I can’t tell him, we’re best friends you know.... Pfff, I want more and I can’t tell him yet.

I’m actually a pretty shy person in all truth, he‘s the only one I feel remotely comfortable talking to, but some things still have to remain silent between us.

He’s had so much on his mind for the last year, he had a really bad marriage, he wasn‘t ever happily married, I knew this and so did he…. The woman he married ran off and left him about a year ago and he’s been down, unhappy and unable to trust for a long while now, so I haven’t wanted to push anything, but now I think I must, just this one time.

I’m not getting any younger and the biological clock is ticking, way to fast. I’m afraid that if I wait much longer it’ll never happen, with this man I love. Today there just seems to be an urgency within me, like I know if it doesn’t happen soon, I will have missed my chance.

Its five o’clock and I have one hour to go before I can get home and change for the surprise party the town is having for him. Yeah its his 40th birthday today and even though he told me it was nothing special, and that he didn’t want to celebrate, the single women in the town decided that he had to have one, and believe me there is a few of us singles out here…

I watch him walk across the street from the window, by the table I’m cleaning, as I watch his graceful stride, you can see the strength that emanates from his body, and my mind drifts over fantasies that I want to become a reality. I shake my head and watch as the sun glistens off of his hair.. The night shadows readying to close in around him..

Dr Ashley Cato does this every night at this time, he’s the Doctor here and unless there’s an emergency, he closes shop at the same time… I know his routine it’s the same thing everyday, much the same as mine.

It’s a simple life we live here and I enjoy the quiet time in the evening just before the sun goes down. If I sit on my veranda at just the right time I can hear the old Mexican woman, Mrs. Retarno, down the road, she sings her grandchildren to sleep in the old tongue, at the same time every night, its such a beautiful sound.

You can hear the dogs that whine for their dinner, in the distance, it always brings a sigh to my lips. As the sun dips into the horizon the bird’s last mournful chirp is heard for the night… I love this town; it’s small, its quiet and its home to me.

Yeah sure we have our problems here, just like any other place. The local teenagers who race their cars late on a Saturday night. Bill the old Sheriff, who never seems to chase them, just makes sure they all arrive home safe each night. There’s no crime really to speak of - too many people know each other and someone is always watching. It’s a life you get used to and accept, if you don’t, why you just move on.

In three more steps he’ll be at his car, I move to the doorway as I do every night and wait for the wave that he’ll give me just after he opens the door…. Aahhh there it is, the wicked smile, the wave. I wave back wistfully, as I do every night and then he’s gone turning the ignition and driving away… it’s the simple pleasures in life that I enjoy in this town, but it’s the love of that man that I crave, that keeps me here….

I’m wearing a simple outfit tonight, black pants and a white silk halter top that my younger sister sent me, she moved away at 18 and life seems to treat her well in the city. A black cardigan that hasn’t been worn for years, is going to be worn over the top of it all, It comes down to my knees. I picked it up from the dry cleaners at lunch and the poor old thing actually looks brand new.

Normally if I wanted to chase a man I’d wear something a bit classier, but I don’t think I want to remind him of the ex-wife, besides its just not me. The halter-top is a bit more than what I would normally wear, but I figured if he wants me he‘ll take me any way he can have me.

Tanya the ex-wife was all class, we all knew, the ones who’d lived here forever, that she wouldn’t stay, and we were right, she had city girl stamped all over her, she ran off with a sales rep who passed through town, she’s happy with him and very pregnant. Poor Ashley I don’t know that he’ll ever survive it, I hope for our sakes that he can.

Ahh but anyway my musing have caused me to be late I must leave for home now.

Its twenty years later from when I wrote that in my diary and I never did get to write what happened that night…. But I still remember it like it was yesterday, it was a night that changed my life forever, in many ways. I learned appreciation and to be so careful for what you wish for because you might just get it, even if it’s unexpected….

I remember getting to the party on time, just before Ashley arrived. I saw all the women there all dressed up and out to get him, yeah it sent my jealous eyes to squinting but I just reminded myself that they looked more sophisticated then any of them actually were. The men dressed fairly casually as they always did in this town, unless there was a wedding or a funeral to attend, even Christening’s weren’t that special to the men….

The lights were turned down low and Old Bill had called to tell Ashley he wasn’t feeling well, as we all knew he would, Ashley came over straight away. We surprised him, and he forced a smile to his lips, I knew right away he wasn’t happy about the party.

He looked like all he wanted to do was leave. He was searching around the room for someone and smiling false greetings to people he really didn’t want to see. Then his eyes found me. His gaze locked with mine and rested on me, for the first time that night, the devilish twinkle he was keeping hidden, burst forth and made me feel so special, tears welled in my eyes briefly as my hope was renewed.

I remember seeing him striding across the room towards me, that he had a quizzical look on his face, my smile was wide and my eyes glistening.

“Are you okay” he asks me as he wiped a tear from my eye when he finally reached my side.

“Yes I’m fine” I replied looking deeply into his grey eyes.

“You’re crying, are you sad?”

“No I’m not sad, their tears of happiness.”

He smiles with a furrowed brow and asks “Why are you so happy”

“I think because you seemed happier as you walked over here, and it made me happy.”

All the love I felt for him shined in my eyes as he looked back at me, I decided then and there that there was no holding back for me. I had to show him how much I cared about him. He frowned a little at first, a sure sign that he was thinking, and then he ducked his head and leaned in towards my ear and whispered, ‘you and I have to talk later, will you follow me home?”

At first I was afraid he was going to tell me that it was never going to happen between us, and my heart sank as my head went down with a small nod. He raised my chin on his finger, I still couldn’t look into his eyes, he whispered,

“Look at me please my Rosie”

I looked up and he said “its okay, I’ve known for a while and we need to talk”

Oh great I thought, but then he smiled and said all would be fine if I went back with him and heard him out. I agreed despite my embarrassment. He leaned in and with soft warm lips he gently touched his to mine. I felt my tears begin to swell again and hoped and prayed that my waiting was finally going to be over.

We didn’t talk anymore for the rest of the night. He had to mingle and thank people for coming; he opened presents and ate cake. Some of the younger kids got drunk around us, but we didn’t talk. He’d come and stand near me or watch me from across the room, silently willing me to look at him. I always did and I think to myself even now that I must have looked like a shy little girl to him way back then…

I remember driving to his place in a cold sweat and feeling nervous about what was to come. I didn’t know if he wanted me, or if he wanted to say it could never be anything more than friendship, or one night of passion for us both.. I was willing to give him what he wanted or needed regardless of if it could last or not. One night was better then none. I remember thinking that I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me, before I closed my eyes briefly and prayed to God to allow us one night, just one night together.

When I got to his place, the lights were turned on and as I drove up his long drive I thought god I wish he didn’t live so far out of town. He lived only three miles from the centre of town, but out in the country, it may well of been a thousand.

The roads were dark and my nervous already taught. He was sitting on his veranda when I pulled up and he un-stretched his 6 foot 3 inch frame and walked over to my car.

My hands shook as he helped me out and he rubbed them, as he looked into my eyes, he surprised me with a kiss of such passion that I melted against him. He pulled back and looked into my eyes and asked if I wanted this to go further

“Yes.” I whispered “with all my heart.”

He picked me up and carried me straight to his bedroom where he began to make love to me slowly and with all the passion that I had ever felt for him over the years.

He stripped off my clothes piece by piece, he asked if I was nervous, I was. I was shaking all over, between kisses he asked me how long it had been since I had made love to anyone, and I answered by saying, “since the day you moved to town.”

He groaned and pushed my breasts up with his ever so soft hands and leaned down to kiss and nibble on my nipples, he rolled them around on his tongue and drew them deeply into his mouth.

My head was dizzy and my legs shaking when he lifted me easily off the floor and placed me in his bed. I remember the smell of his sheets and how they reminded me of him sitting at the diner talking with me over coffee and raisin toast.

I was embarrassed, mortified really, by how wet and ready I was for him. He placed his hand between my thighs and I whimpered like a beaten dog. He shushed me gently and told me it was ok and that he was very happy that I responded to him that way. It made him feel like a whole man. I assured him that he was in my eyes and he entered me with one slow, long, powerful, thrust.

I felt as though I was being torn in two. I could feel him sliding all the way into me, it was such a snug fit and I thought his length would travel inside of me forever. Just when it became unbearable to me and I was beginning to think he wouldn’t ever fit properly inside me, he held still, embedded in me the entire length, it was still so very painful but bearably so.

He held me in his arms and soothed me with words and hundreds of light kisses. He told me how good he felt being with me and how right I was for him. I cried in his arms as my dreams became a reality, he was so sweet in his loving and patient in his desire for me to adjust to his length and size, he was so caring and thoughtful, in those few minutes it took for me to adjust to him. I fell forever deeply in love with this man, more so then I had previously thought.

I cried again as he started to move with in me, not from pain but from pure bliss and I told him this.

We made glorious love that night, after our first rocky time together, we loved and we fucked and loved some more. Through it all we whispered words of love to each, and built a stronger love. It was as if we both knew that we had only a limited time together to make these feelings more secure. So we did, in any way that we could.

We made passionate slow love again just before I had to leave, he wanted me to stay but I couldn’t, I had the breakfast shift and had to start at 6 a.m. As I left his marvellous house and bed he kissed me again and offered an apology for not talking things through like he wanted to, but refused to apologize for the way we spent the time, instead, we agreed to met that night and talk first before anything else.

I laughed softly, not really believing that we would ever talk, but humouring him just the same. I smiled so brightly at him as I reach the car and got in. He closed the door and I wound down my window. My eyes shone with love, with all the love I wanted him to see. I wanted my love imprinted on his mind for the rest of the day, something that when he stopped and paused in his thoughts that he could see and believe. Ash needed to believe in someone and I was her, I knew it was so, and had since the day he moved to town. 6 years of waiting were starting to pay off.

I watched him watch me, through my rear vision mirror as I drove out and down the long road home, I was so amazingly happy and there was an excitement inside of me that was bursting to be allowed out. I was smiling and remembering what we had been to each other that night.

We had been friends and lovers and soul mates, and so very much more. His life had been so sad for such a long time and recently mine had been so unfulfilled.

I closed my eyes briefly as I remembered the look of pure pleasure that had crossed his face the first time we both came with each other. It was the last vision I had before I heard the screeching of tires and the breaking of glass…

Feeling the numbness wash over me in a haze, I remember seeing another two cars around me, I wasn’t sure what happened and I didn’t feel any pain. I could see my own blood on hands that gripped the steering wheel.

I knew I was upside down, I was afraid and I couldn’t feel any pain, I tried to move but it was if my body refused to listen to my brain. I was calm, calmer then I have ever been before in my life.

I saw a blackness beckoning me on and I wanted that place, I knew peace rested there and all I could think of was reaching it and laying my head down to sleep. But when I was close to it, that peaceful place I would see those eyes, those beautiful grey eyes would appear before me, with that loving glint that they had and I’d so recently seen.

I could see the darkness again, but those eyes, those eyes where way to hypnotic. They seemed to beckon to me again and again, keeping me from my peace. I was trying to talk, to say something, I knew that there was something that I had to say, to do, he had to know before I could sleep and rest and heal, but my voice was just not there.

I tried to focus on what was around me, I could hear someone crying, I didn’t know who and then grey eyes distracting me begging me to look deeply into them and I would fall again under his hypnotic spell.

I remember a sad smile and a tear falling again from my eye as I remembered that I had fulfilled my dreams with that man Ashley that I loved so much. I reached out and I touched his face, my hand had no strength to it and dropped away to land somewhere near my head. When I looked clearly at him for the brief moment I was allowed, I was horrified to see the blood from my own fingers stain his hansom face…

My last thought and vision was of him and how much we could have shared together if only we had reached each other sooner. If we had only realized in time, what we were to each other, for I could feel myself slowly dying, just as surely as I knew it was my blood dripping from me onto the seats of the car around me.

The next thing I remember is hearing his voice calling to me over and over again, I could see him sitting down beside me with closed eyes, his hands in mine, his head on both of our hands.

I could see me lying there in a hospital bed. I knew then that I had died. I was looking down upon us, he was telling me all that he wanted me to know that night we made love.

There was an old man standing beside me, with his strangely youthful hand on my shoulder. I glanced up at him and saw tears in his eyes, I choose to ignore him so I could hear the final words that Ashley was speaking to me.

He told me that he had known for all those years he’d been married that I was the love of his life. That with all that had happened he wished so desperately that he had done something more a lot sooner with his life so that we could have been together for longer.

He thanked God everyday, for that one incredible night of love that we shared, he told me again that he loved me and that we would meet up again in another life and that, when we did, we would be together forever once again. He told me that because I was lost to him now that he had no choice but to say goodbye.

He leaned over and kissed my dry lips, just once, it lasted a few seconds and all the love he felt for me was sent to the other me, the me that was standing above him. I felt the touch of his lips on my own warm ones and felt fairy wings dance in my heart and knew for sure that we would be together again, somewhere somehow, I just had to wait for him.

The old man at my side squeezed my shoulder and asked if I had one wish to grant this man what would it be. I turned and looked into that angelic face and smiled through my own tears.

“Send him the one woman who can love him for all eternity. The one woman that can take away his pain and make him love passionately and who can share all things in life with him, the good and the bad.”

The old man reached down and hugged me then he kissed my brow and said

“Have a pleasant journey, my child.”

Then I was staring up at a dark black head bowed in grief over me. I noticed for the first time that it was peppered with grey, I couldn’t help but to reach out and stroke that beautiful mane of hair and through a gruff parched throat I said.

“You better love me well in this life or you can forget the next one”

I still laugh at the look on his face to this day. We don’t talk about it much; it’s always just a really hard thing for us to both talk about. It’s as if, if we voice it, it may happen again, and life is to precious to gamble away. So we smile and remind each other with a look or a word of how we feel towards each other..

He told me as I spent a further 6 weeks in hospital recovering that I had actually died a few times on the operating table and that when I had gotten to the hospital I should have been announced dead on arrival. But he kept telling me to watch his eyes and think of our love, as he held my hand and tried to inject his love into me.

I told him about the grey eyes that kept calling to me when all I wanted to do was sleep. He smiled and said naught but that he was glad his eyes were grey.

I think I scared him with that one.

When I was released from hospital he told me a few kids had been racing each other and both cars managed to hit mine. The boys weren’t as badly injured as I was and they moved away from town not long after that. I often think of those boys and hope they are well.

Ash’s life and mine hasn’t been the easiest lives to live. After the accident, I was left badly scared on the face and body, that wasn’t quite so painful to deal with, but I couldn’t have those children I so desperately wanted. I often imagine that that night of love we first shared would have produced one, but I try not to dwell on it too much. Besides over the years we’ve adopted 8 children and we have two grandbabies from one of our precious gifts and another one on the way.

I own the diner now too and Ash has our eldest son Paul running the practice most of the time now. Paul is 28 and doing really well, we adopted him when he was 9, we fell in love with him straight away, as we did all of his brothers and sisters….