Aftermath 25

Aftermath

"Do you know about Jane and Paula?" Caroline asked. Carlie nodded. "I lived next door and saw them almost every day. He seemed to really be in love with them. My Mom visited and we had dinner with them. She told me he seemed like a changed man. Paula and Jane said he seemed happy, right until he left them and met you. And then he walked away from them, just like that." She snapped her fingers. "Just like that."

"Look, he didn't know I existed until we met at the retreat." Carlie protested. She thought Caroline invited her to dinner to talk her out of marrying Marc. She felt defensive and apologetic. "I love Marc and he loves me. You understand that, right?"

"I know. I'm not accusing you of anything. There's information about my Dad my Mom felt I should tell you; stuff she kept from me all these years."

"What 'information'?" she asked.

"Way back when my Mom was pregnant my Dad had an affair. Mom was deeply hurt. She confronted him. He ended it. But there were more."

"So he was a philanderer? Many men are."

"Lots of men are skirt-chasers. They just want to fuck other women. It's all about the conquest," Caroline said. Her brutal honesty struck Carlie. "But he didn't just fuck around. He kept falling in love."

"Oh, and he wanted to leave her?" Carlie found herself suddenly sympathetic.

"Right. She talked him out of it – several times, mainly because of me."

"Your Mom put up with this?"

"She forgave him and eventually felt sorry for him."

"That's a strange reaction. I would expect her to hate him."

"Neither she nor any other woman could satisfy him because he wasn't looking for a woman."

"He was gay?"

Caroline smiled. "It would have made it much easier if that was true. My Dad's been looking for a very specific woman."

"Yeah, me. He found me. I'm the one he was looking for." Carlie was emphatic and a little shrill.

"There were other women before you who felt the same way. I know Jane and Paula did." Caroline paused to gather her thoughts so she could tell Carlie the truth about Marc.

"Dad has been looking for a woman he can never find," Caroline paused, waiting for Carlie to react but she did not. "It's his mother."

"His mother? Are you serious?" Carlie seemed skeptical.

"No matter how great you are, no matter how much you love him or he says he loves you," she paused again, hoping Carlie was ready for what came next. "You are not his mother. No woman is. No woman can be. That's why he hasn't stayed with any woman."

"He hasn't talked about his childhood."

"That's probably because emotionally he's still a child. He doesn't know what adult emotions are, at least in regard to women. He was a needy kid who tried endlessly to please her so he could get some love from her. She was extremely cold and authoritarian. He finally decided that his own mother just rejected him. Flat-out. He's been trying to find that motherly unconditional love that most kids need and want. Of course, no other woman is his Mom. He's a wounded little boy who essentially can't love a woman because of who she is but only because of who he wishes she was. But he'll never stop looking for his mommy."

"I could give him that unconditional love," Carlie said, completely confident. "Thanks for telling me."

"I hope you can. No one else could. My Mom tried but he still kept looking."

"Maybe she just didn't try hard enough."

"She was with him longer than anyone else. I hope you see what I'm trying to say, here." Carlie understood exactly what Caroline was trying to tell her, but she did not want to admit it. Caroline waited patiently for Carlie to speak.

"It's likely to happen with me, isn't it?" she finally said.

"Probably." There was a long silence. Their food sat on the table. Neither had started to eat. Caroline looked down at her plate and tried to sum up what this conversation was all about. "I'm not concerned about my Dad's happiness. I'm concerned about yours."

"I don't know if I should thank you or curse you for telling me all this," Carlie said. Caroline reached out and took Carlie's hand. She held it for a few seconds, squeezed it and then let go. Carlie did not look at Caroline.

"I hope your father won't hate you now."

"I felt you should know."

"Thanks, I guess." She got up and left, leaving her meal uneaten. Then she abruptly turned and came back to the table. "Sorry. Let me pay. Finish your dinner." And then she left.

Caroline was no longer hungry.

"It's over," Marc said.

"She threw you out?" Caroline asked. He and Caroline had not spoken in the month since she and Carlie had dinner. Marc's heart was broken. He loved Carlie. He just could not stand to be with her.

Caroline still did not understand what had happened between her father and Carlie. "So why did you want me to lie to her?"

Marc was quiet for a few moments. Caroline sensed a deep sadness coming from her father. "She and I were deeply in love." He paused and sniffled, trying not to cry. Despite all that happened, he missed Carlie.

"We started out so happy. Then she began to change. She became subtly manipulative. She would suggest a different tie or food or movie. I didn't think anything about it at first. We were getting to know each other." He abruptly stopped.

She waited for him to go on. She wanted him to get it all out. She wanted to believe he had been in love with Carlie. After what her mother told her about Marc and his many love affairs, Caroline was not sure she could trust him to tell her the truth about his real feelings. Maybe he did not even know how he really felt.

"Then she went from suggesting to insisting. I tried to make my own choices but quickly found out it was futile to resist her. She would remain calm but insistent until I did what she said. Over a short time – maybe just a month or so - her control extended deeper and deeper into my life. It got to the point where she would tell me when I ought to take a shit.

"I knew I couldn't marry her. I wanted to. I loved her. There were moments together when we were blissfully happy and I thought she was my soul-mate. She was controlling everywhere except when we were in bed, just being lovers deeply immersed in each other. We were equals, but only there and then, for those few moments. But it was awesome! She was awesome! I never loved any woman like I loved her.

"But I knew it wasn't going to work out. I found the woman of my dreams and she turned out to be the woman of my nightmares as well. I tried to leave. But she wouldn't let me. She told me she loved me and needed me and I stayed. But the control! I couldn't talk to her, or reason with her. She didn't see that her desire for me was killing me."

"But why did she do all that?"

"I have a theory. She had a foreboding her husband's plane would crash. She mentioned it and he ignored it. He had traveled many times before and was used to airplanes. She blamed herself because she didn't demand he take a different flight."

"So what's that got to do with you?"

"She believes that if she had told him what to do, ordered him to change planes, she would never have lost him. She blames herself for not having total control over him."

"So she doesn't want to make that mistake again?"

"That's right. She wants to protect the man she loves. She wants to keep the man she loves. Keep him safe. With her. Always. So she doesn't see what she's doing and she drives men away."

"There have been others?"

"I think so. I don't know how they got away from her. I knew she was never going to let me go. I would have to make her throw me out. So I seized on her greatest fear – losing her love – and made her think she could lose me because I would find somebody else and just leave."

"Therefore the lies I told her."

"Those things were all true."

"I know. Mom told me. I was wondering if you would. You're a stupid shit, you know that? I only know four of the women who loved you. They are all awesome women and you just threw them away."

"I know."

"You do realize this is the last time, don't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Now that I know all this, I can use it any time you get close to somebody else to warn her to stay away from you," Caroline said, angrily.

"You would do that?"

"Of course. We women have to look out for one another."

"Yeah, I guess you do. But who's gonna look out for me?"

"I don't know, Dad. Maybe nobody. Maybe you don't deserve to have anyone. Maybe you deserve to just be a lonely bachelor."

"You really feel that way?"

"Yeah. At least that way you won't hurt anyone else."

"Yeah, but I'll have to be alone for the rest of my life."

"Forgive me if I don't feel sorry for you."

THE END