"How are you doing?"
The message surprised Angie, both in its simplicity and who it was from. She finally got her wits about her and responded.
"It's been a minute. Haha I'm ok. How are you?" She knew it probably wasn't the response he was looking for, but she was on autopilot, just as she had been since her husband passed away several months ago. It was the new normal for her. It was how she made it through the day without breaking down.
"I'm alright...But how are you really?"
Angie's mind reeled. She hardly ever checked her Facebook anymore. And she hadn't exactly stayed in touch with Jimmy much lately. What were the odds that he would send her a message on the same day she happened to get on there? She hadn't heard from him since right after Jerry died and probably months before that. Although it felt weird at first, she decided to be honest with him.
"Honestly? I'm not great," she replied simply on the messenger. She had never met Jimmy in person and she couldn't see him looking at her with pity, so what did she have to lose?
Angie had grown weary of people asking her how she was all the time since Jerry's death. She never felt like they wanted a real answer, that they were just going through the motions. Death and grieving weren't easy for anyone to talk about, right?
For some reason, it didn't bother her that Jimmy had asked. He had always been open and honest with her. Always. If he didn't want a real answer, he wouldn't have asked.
"Want to talk about it?"
Angie pondered this for a minute. Did she? She had closed herself off for so long she didn't even know anymore.
"Do you really want to hear about my problems? You're not just asking to be polite, are you?" insecurity crept in.
"Angie...I know we haven't talked much in a while, but I think you know me better than that by now."
She let out a breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding, her shoulders dropped. Angie felt like most of the stress she'd been holding in for months left her body in one fell swoop.
"I know, I know. Sorry." God, she hadn't felt that relieved in she couldn't remember how long. Her guard was constantly up, even at home with her mom and kids, putting on the brave face for what remained of her family.
"It's just, I haven't talked to anyone, honestly, in a very long time. It feels...weird."
"I figured as much. I've been thinking about you...I just didn't want to bother you too...soon."
Someone had been "thinking about her". Like she hadn't heard that line a million times since the end of February. Angie told him as much.
"I can't tell you how many times people have told me that since the accident. I can tell you, you're the only person it has seemed sincere from."
"I am sincere, Ang. You know me better than almost anyone on this planet. Now, how are you really doing?"
Angie sighed.
"I'm tired, Jimmy. So, so tired. I knew it would be hard for a while, but it's not getting any easier. If anything, it's getting harder."
"Care to elaborate? I had one too many energy drinks at work this afternoon. I'm not going to bed for a while :D," he tried to lighten the mood.
Angie couldn't help smiling a little despite her current mood. He had always been good at cheering her up, no matter how terrible of a mood she was in.
"I might end up rambling. Don't say I didn't warn you."
"I'm 'all ears'. :)"
"Well, just everything. I'm not even sure where to begin. Candace has been...difficult. I don't know if she's not dealing with her father's death well, her pre-teen hormones are kicking in, or what, but she just keeps getting more and more difficult. She's always in her room. She won't talk to me. I want to help her, of course, but she just won't let me in and I can't force her, right?" Angie waited eagerly for his reply.
"No, not really. You can't really force anyone to talk, no matter what age they are. That whole 'free will' thing is pesky like that."
"I suppose you're right. Doesn't make it any easier, though."
"I know. I'm sure she'll come around eventually. How are the other two?" Jimmy asked.
"Bea seems ok. I think she's trying to be like me and put on a brave face for her little brother...and me. She's been a little less rambunctious, these days, but she has a good heart. John has been difficult in his own way. He doesn't mean to be, mind you. But he's 4. He sometimes forgets that his dad isn't coming home and that's the worst."
There was a pause.
"Yah, I can imagine. Are you still living in the same place?" Jimmy ventured.
"God, no! There's no way I could afford to pay the mortgage for that place by myself. I mean, we got money from Jerry's life insurance policy and all that, but still. Plus, it just didn't feel the same, you know?"
"Sure. Not the same by any means, but that's why I found a new place when April left."
"I completely understand. We've been living with my mom, which has been interesting in and of itself. I know she means well, but she keeps telling me I can't keep sinking further into depression. Like I don't know that. What the fuck am I supposed to do, though? I can't take anti-depressants. I have a hard enough time focusing at work. Therapy? I'm a single mom with 3 kids. Where the hell am I supposed to find the time between a full-time job and running them to sports practices and whatnot? Not to mention, you know, help them with homework, cook dinner, bathe them?"
There was another pause before Jimmy answered.
"You know I can't say I know what you're going through, because I don't, but you do need to find something to help yourself out. If not just for you, for your kids.
Angie knew he was right. It never felt like nagging when he gave her advice, though.
"I know. I know...I just, I literally don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like I'm stuck and things are going to feel like this forever. I know I need a change, I just don't know what," she paused briefly before continuing typing.
"You know what's even worse than all of the other shit?"
"What's that?"
"About a week after Jerry's funeral, rumors started going around that he was cheating on me again. That that was where he really was the night he got hit. Not 'working late'."
"Wow...I don't even know what to say, Ang. I'm so sorry."
"Yah, me too. It was bad enough finding out the first time. I damn near left him then. Now to hear all this second-hand talk going around after the fact? And the fact that I'll never know for sure?" Tears had started forming in the corners of her eyes, though she was more angry than sad.
"All I can say is you can't dwell on it. It'll drive you mad. And I know, easier said than done."
She let out a scornful laugh at that. Boy, isn't that the truth, Angie thought.
"I wish I had a magical solution to all your problems. I really do."
"I know. Having someone to vent to helps. :) I only tell mom so much. I don't want her worrying even more. And mine and Jerry's friends haven't really gotten a hold of me since he died. Some friends, huh?" Angie shook her head to herself, thinking about just how shady everyone in her life had become since Jerry's death.
"Jesus, Ang..."
"It is what it is, right?"
"That's one way to look at it."
"Listen, thank you, really, for listening to me boohoo. I should probably head to bed, though."
"Any time. Seriously."
"It was nice hearing from you again, Jimmy. Don't be a stranger. :)"
"You too, Angie."
Angie woke up in a cold sweat, breathing hard. She had the dream again. The same one she'd been having since Jerry's death.
They were together in his Mercedes. It was nighttime. They were on their way home from a date night in the city. They were talking and laughing, high on their good time still, as the car hit a patch of black ice on the bridge and went careening over the side. It always happened so quickly. She'd had the dream a dozen times or more since her husband's death and she still couldn't wrap her head around everything going south so quickly.
They panicked, like anyone would, as they tried to open their doors, their windows; anything. It wasn't long before the car started filling up with water. Angie tried to hold her breath as long as she could, but it was never enough. She could never break free from the watery tomb in time.
Of course, that wasn't at all what had really happened to her late husband. He had died in a car accident, that much was true, but things had ended much differently for him.
In a way, she was thankful. His was a lot more quick and painless demise than that of the recurring nightmare she kept having. Hell, he probably didn't even have time to wonder what had happened. The impact from the drunk driver had hit him with such force that it killed him instantly.
It hadn't been pretty, from what she gathered. They identified him through his dental records instead of subjecting her to the horror of his remains. Because really, that's what he had ended up as instead of a dead body: Remains.
The nightmare no longer brought tears to her eyes as it had at first. Instead, Angie sighed heavily and rolled over, making a futile attempt to return to sleep.
Angie, on the off chance that Jimmy messaged her again, checked her Facebook that night. She felt silly for getting her hopes up, but wasn't disappointed. She briefly questioned her motives for wanting him to message her again, given their past, but quickly shook those thoughts away. She just really needed someone to talk to and Jimmy had always been there, no matter what.
"Hey. Feeling any better today?" He had messaged her 4 hours ago.
"Not really, if you're wanting me to be honest."
"Angie, you know me. I always appreciate honesty, even if it's ugly," he messaged her back right away. "Tell me about your day," he said simply.
