A Romance of a Lifetime

Shreysha, was a color of her own kind. She glowed like a firefly in the spring night and me the moth chasing her light. She has been engraved so deeply in my dreams and thoughts that I can no longer tear her away from me. The core of my personality has already been moulded by her. Her presence clouds my every judgement. I have engraved her porcelain skin and rosy lips in me forever.

1. A fateful encounter

I first found her on facebook when I was still in my Bachelors sophomore year. The story is as simple as it gets. A profile was suggested to me, no real picture, no cover image just posts about Carl Segan and Stephen Hawkins. Her posts were like my nerdy thoughts. "The history of the planet.", "The chemist joke about H2O2", "A physicist meme". The ones I was too shy to share. There were no likes in her posts but she kept sharing them.

"What a person, she doesn't care if her post has any likes at all."

I tried to piece more of her from the fragments of her thoughts from her wall. Most importantly, I was trying to see her picture. There were none, not even "tagged images". She had managed to have a very private account. After mulling for sometime, I clicked the "Add Friends" button.

We became Facebook friends eventually. However, I didn't have it in me to write her immediately. I might have imagined a starter line a hundred times but I didn't know the first words I could write her.

After mulling different scenario, I collected enough courage to write, "Never seen a girl quote Carl Segan".

"I am not like most girls!" she retorted back.

That was our first interaction. This set the mood for our interaction ever since.

We started to chat over text for sometime over the familiar topics of science, future and science fiction. She was a fascinating conversationalist. She spoke of her muse and dreams, of possibilities in science fictions, of her fascinations and sometimes of philosophies and moral dilemmas too. She knew so much and she spoke them eloquently.

"Do you know that if you go faster than light you could go back in time? Where would you go?"

"There is chance of finding water in one of the moons of Neptune. Wonder what kind of fishes might be there?"

"Would you be able to kill someone who killed someone you knew?"

She would ask these random, loaded questions casually. They will drop like atom bombs in my overthinking brain and I would write and rewrite until I find the perfect response, which never existed.

All the conversations I had hoped I could have with a person, I was having with this girl.

Her favourite topic was time travels. No not the consequence of it, rather the physics behind it.

"If Einstein says so, maybe we can indeed travel through a wormhole.", she would say.

From her forthcoming texts I could see that she was much more than any other girl I knew. Quite possibly, she was unlike any other girl in the world.

We would talk almost every night about different topics. We became the best of buds. Nights felt empty without chatting with her. Many times, the highlight of my day were the long conversations we engaged in. Yet, I hadn't yet seen her, or heard her voice. Our symphonies played solely in the texts.

Nevertheless, I had built up an image of her in my head based on the fragments of personalities she had shown. Maybe she was a tall lanky girl, bespectacled, tomboyish, pimpled face with an unkept hair and baggy sweatshirts. Something that would be exactly like myself, only feminine.

I had meekly approached her a couple of times to meet in person. However, she always had her guards up. All these questions were dodged expertly.

"Now is not the time,"

"I do not think we should meet yet,"

"I am very busy lately."

and so on.

After a couple years, I was soon to graduate. I was into my final months of my university. I thought it was either now or never that I would get and opportunity to meet Shreysha.

I had aspirations of moving abroad. While Nepal presents a great life for everyone, I had aspirations of USA, Australia, Germany, China and everywhere they had fast trains and automatic doors. Places where I could chase my aspirations of science and technology. Where, my wonders could bring some fruit and I could change the world. And maybe, just maybe come out as an inventor.

It took me some courage to write her my desire to meet her.

"Lets meet soon. Once I graduate, we might never see each other again."

"I am not sure, maybe we will not fit each others descriptions when we see each other.", she retorted quickly.

So, she had thought about us meeting, good news.

"Yeah, but there is no sustainability in living through chat messages. I do not think if there is no face behind you, I will be able to remember you as well as how I want to"

"True, let me think. I will tell you soon."

We closed our conversation in uncertainty. It was so short, I felt uncomfortable. Maybe I am pushing her too much? Maybe she doesn't want to meet me at all.

As days drew closer and we edged towards the end of the semester, I could not help but notice that we were drifting apart. We were not speaking as often as we had previously. My world was being engulfed with the stress of finals, project deadlines, search for jobs and internships and so on. I always managed to wonder how she might be but she never texted.

"She had said she would write, so it should be her texting me. " so I thought.

In the last months leading to the semester end. I saw a message in my messenger.

Shreysha had written, "Want to meet?"

"Sure, but I am kind of busy."

"After classes, tomorrow in the canteen. I will be short," No hesitation.

"Whose classes? Yours or mine? Time?"

"My classes dummy. Do you still have them? 3pm. How about it?"

I acted to ponder for a moment, I didn't want to see too keen.

"Sounds like a plan. See you tomorrow."

My heart was racing. I was nervous. Thoughts ran through my head. I was going to see her for the first time. I had had a lot of things to complete for the month, but now she was all I could think about. She had totally hijacked my brain. What a simple creature I was.

"What will I tell her? How should I speak to her? Will she sound like her texts?" thoughts ran on in my head.

"Was she like how I had imagined or was she a prettier specimen, casually hiding her intelligence behind the facade of beauty. She needs the online persona to hide her real beauty." I could not wait for tomorrow.

I couldn't even rest my eyes that night. The nervousness was keeping me awake. I engaged myself in other pursuits. I was able to drown active thoughts of her but I could still not ease away the tensions my heart felt.

Finally, the fated day arrived. I didn't have much school works to finish so I just kicked a can and passed my time in the university. There was nothing more to do. Normally, I would be in my home, working in some of my passion projects or getting high with my friends. However, that day, nobody invited me to hang out, nor I had any attention to pursue my fascinations. Finally, it was 2 pm and I went to the canteen.

One thing I learned that day; there is a funny thing about meeting a strangers you met over the internet for the first time. For some reason, you just know them when you see them. Even if its the first time. Maybe it is the collective sense of anticipation that both feel. As I was looking at the canteen doors, I checked on every girl who entered. I was not sure what I was looking for, yet I felt none of them were Shreysha. I waited for some more time. She was some 10 minutes late.

Suddenly, entered a short stout girl, with face as fair as a powder and skin as clean as a mannequin. She was dressed in a baggy blue t-shirt and baggy grey pants. She might be something around 5 feet tall. She had large eyes and pulp cheeks. She had a baby face and looked much younger than a university student. It was probably her deep large eyes and her pulp cheeks, I was immediately infatuated by her allure.

"What a different creature", I thought. Mind you, she didn't match any of my imaginations.

It looked like she was also looking for someone. That was my cue and I approached her. I asked her if she was Shreysha. She gave a big smile and affirmed. We looked at each other awkwardly for sometimes. Then I commented her on looking completely different to what I had imagined. She laughed and we shared some small talk for sometime. Finally, we bade farewell.

That evening, I went back home and wrote her a message. Every text message she wrote since had so much more personality. Now, there was a pretty face to her amazing thoughts. Now our talks were even more frequent and varied. We started to even share pictures over phone. Sharing pictures from random activities we performed throughout that day. This felt like such a unique bonding experience. Soon, it became a highlight of the day for me to speak to her. I would spend late night speaking to her.

We decided to follow up on our meetings. I guess, she didn't find me that creepy as well. This time she dressed in much more fitting attire. She wore a red, well fitting t-shirt and comfortable jeans. She also had make up on and her features looked much more colorful than the last time. She had a mole under her lips and she wore glasses. I had missed them completely the last time. She looked prettier with those features. I could also see that she had a voluptuous body with a slim waist. Her shapes were much more attractive than before.

This time we spoke longer and of variety of other topics. We were laughing and giggling. There was a different ease to when I spoke to her. She was just so much more fascinating in person. A woman with as colorful tastes as the world and as open minded as she was. She put me to ease. My thoughts didn't feel so strange anymore.

At the end of our meeting, I asked her shyly, "I really like you. I think we have a special connection."

She waited for sometime, mulling her response.

"I am sorry but I already have a boyfriend. And we are very serious.", She finally said.

I was shocked at first. Her long pause had given me the false hope of affirmation. I had considered being rejected, however, it was not the forefront of my expectation. We were so comfortable with each other. We shared a lot of things, spoke till it was late at night. Our conversations flowed so naturally, that I held no inhibition. Normally, I am wary of forming connections. Nevertheless, speaking with her felt like a slide. Easily sweeping from topic to topic. Filled with laughter. And yet, I never felt like she had someone else other than myself.

At first I was shell shocked. Then I felt a tinge of anger, at myself, at her. Then I felt pity to me. Afterall, I was never very invested in anyone. Then, I wondered maybe she was keeping her guards up. Afterall, we had met after so long. Why would she still keep her guards up. I was speaking as freely as I could with anyone.

"Are you sure about it? You never said you had a boyfriend. Are you making an excuse?", I lashed out.

"No, I have been in relationship for the last few years. We have a great thing going on.", she said casually.

"And all those late night talks we were having? Did it mean nothing to you?"

"I enjoyed them. You are a great talk to have. But I do not see you beyond that."

"Are you sure? You can leave him. I see we are so much better together."

"I am happy in life wherever I am. Please do not pester. Plus you are not my type"

"But---"

I trailed off, lost for words. I could not find anything else to say. I was shellshocked. I was stunned. I never thought that she will not reciprocate my feelings. She was not me but feminine. She was her own individual and probably much happier.

I returned home that day, a mess. Broken hearted. Misty eyed. My rage had disappeared, I felt no animosity. I was just a helpless man. I had expected too much from life and it had put me back in my place.

2. Finding way in life

The funny thing about infatuation is, it is temporary. You are left with a broken heart but you live on. The shards does crystalizes your consciousness and you become much more cautious of your feelings. Nevertheless, slowly over time, you can focus on your own life and even flourish. I had a similar experience. After completing my studies, I worked for sometime in rural Nepal and moved abroad for graduate studies. I also became much more outspoken, assertive and expressive. I learned, something are better put out there instead of bottling in. I started speaking my mind more often. I still believed in humility, yet I was no longer afraid of expressing both my pleasure or dissatisfaction. In summary, I found my voice and the practicalities of life made me stern.

I finished my graduate studies, started working a job abroad, formed new relationships, broke my heart further, broke other people's heart. You could say, I started living a life. I stopped forming friendships over online personas. I even got rid of all my social media accounts. Maybe it was indeed a boon being turned down.

After years abroad, I moved back to Nepal for my vacation. This time, a different man, carrying myself higher. Having lived on my own for so long had given me a new appreciation of the people from the past. I wanted to rekindle my friendships. I met friends from school, high school, university. There were so many stories to share. I had a fantastic time reconnecting with some familiar faces from the past.

There was one more name I wanted to meet, "Shreysha". I had to look her contact up. After finding her number, I thought for sometime and texted her over viber. I guess, old habits die hard.

"Hey I am back. Want to hang out?".

"Ellooo. Welcome back.. When did you come? How long are you back? Suree, lets meet."

"Perfect. Where to? and When?"

"I am working these days, however, I am free on the weekends. How about we meet then?"

"Sure, where to?"

"I will let you know then. Hey by the way, do you smoke weed?"

"Sure, not as much as before. But I definitely do."

"Perfect, then I will bring some."

"See you then."

She sent me the location to meet on the Friday evening. I was surprisingly relaxed for this encounter. The place was near her home and she even promised to pick me up. What great luck.

That weekend, I got ready and waited for Shreysha to pick me up. From afar I could she her, struggling in the Kathmandu road with her scooter. This time, she was on time. I leapt behind her in her scooter and we drove off. Once we reached a open field, we got off and she got rid of her riding dress. Underneath, she was wearing a crop t-shirt of cyan color, and a black jeans. She also wore a golden necklace. She had her trademark spectacles. Her face looked much more mature. You could see years of experience had mellowed her looks. She wore minimal make up. She was as voluptuous as before. She had gained some weight, however, it only made her more attractive. Years of repressed feelings swelled back in me. However, now I had learned to hide them. I could live with them.

"Hey!!!!!! Welcome back!!!!"

"Hey yourself. Glad to see you again."

"How long has it been?"

"So long. Maybe 4 years."

"Wow. You haven't changed yourself as a person. The beard is a good touch. And you look much bulkier than before. Do you work out?"

"Yeah sometimes. Not something special. Just to keep moving. Have a very static job"

"Ohh good to hear that. What do you work at?"

"Some education consultancy. Help people with studies. Its like tuition"

So we rekindled our conversation. We caught up on what I was up to. How my life abroad was. I was much more reserved this time and shared only things about my work and study life. A bit about my time in university and my time since as a working expat. I also shared, some of my culture shocks and things that I missed in Nepal.

"I work in Architecture now. I somehow graduated. Uff! what a struggle it was. But I hope I can make some money now."

"Are you happy with work?"

"Can't say I am not. It is just like that, a new place, new people. Enough to keep me going but not enough to push me for greater things. Responsibilities are also not so heavy"

She was also usually chatty about how the world was different in Nepal in my absence. How her job was shitty and her work politics was getting her down. How she was into new hobbies and how her new fascinations were amazing. She was a typical bubbly young adult.

After almost 30 minutes of catching up, she opened her bag and brought forward a wrapped paper. After unrolling the paper, a few joints appeared. We sat down on the grass and we smoked them. It was late evening, the dusk was nearing. There were no people around and only the orange remnant of the sun could be seen. Far away you could see some houses with lights on. We were in a slightly elevated region, so the view was pretty beautiful.

I could feel the joint playing its trick on my senses. In the sunset, there was a sense of something special in our presence. We became quite for sometime, lost in our own world. I realized I had stared at Shreysha for quite some time. She had the same allure about her. Even though I was no longer hopelessly infatuated over her, I could still appreciate her as a beautiful woman. She had changed for sure. You could see in her. She was much more womanly. She didn't exuded the girly curiosity that I remembered her with. She had seen her share of world and she was content in the way the world was moving for her.

Maybe if I asked her now, if she wanted to travel the space, she would say no. Why would anyone want to leave this moment we were sharing to be bottled in a tin can and fly into vast emptiness. We had both learned that life came fast and time waited for no one.

She was staring into the sun. Slightly smiling. She asked, "How are the girls abroad? You dating anyone?"

"Not right now. Haven't really found a weirdo to match my vibes." I said playfully.

She turned towards me and our eyes locked. She gave me a mischievous smile and said, "Need someone to match your freak?"

There was a strange tension in her words. Unlike anytime in the past, there was a sense of heaviness in the air. Suddenly I had a strange urge and I leapt forward and kissed her on her lips. She was first startled and in her surprise, she didn't react. Then I guess, the shock left her and she pushed me back. I also came to my senses and pulled away.

"I am very sorry. I didn't know what came to me."

"No its ok. I was just so surprised."

"Are you not with someone right now?"

"Its complicated, but you can say so."

I looked into her eyes to get a hint of approval or rejection. I had sensed her soft lips, her sweet taste. The aroma of her skin and I was yearning for more. She was radiating at the moment. I leaned forward, close to her. I looked into her eyes for sometimes. Spoke nothing for sometime. I could definitely sense the tension between us. After what felt like hours, I asked, "Your lips felt so soft, can I kiss them again."

She looked to her feet for sometime. Then said meekly, "Yea..".

I heard her sound of approval, I pulled her chin up and kissed her. She reciprocated this time. I put my hands on her head while she put hers on my waist. I kissed her for a long time. In no time our lips parted and we were tasting each others tongue.

I don't know when it happened. But I was grabbing her close to me, while she did the same. One of my hand was on her head and the other on her waist to pull me closer to her. Both her hands were across my waist and they were reaching to my back. We were sharing our tongue. She was sweet but there was a hint of the smoke. It only made the experience much more flavourful. The wet kisses were passionate. Under the sinking sun, our kisses must have looked very picturesque.