A Real Man in My Life

Saturday arrived and as after I climbed out of the shower I headed to the drawer for the kind of clothes I used to wear - It was rehearsal day.

Fucking Parker! I was going somewhere with Parker and just reverted to good mummy mode. FUCK!

I wasn't WITH Parker any more for fuck's sake, Parker was going to the same place as me so it was going to be fucking curvy all the fucking way and Parker could fucking well see what he'd dumped.

I pulled on my jeans, making a mental note to watch what I ate, as whenever I was with Gray we did tend to eat rather well and I didn't want to grow out of all the sexy stuff I owned after all! With my fitted T-shirt and tight blue jeans, and drove across to the city and my old school.

On arrival the kit was all being laid out, and far from the rough layout that we'd started with we now had white tape on the floor that marked the size of the Guildhall stage and we were set up on it in the way that we would be just four weeks away. Part of our old stage show had been dancers but somehow no one seemed to want to dance and that was kept to some gentle syncopation from us three girls, the brass section and of course the Boyz when they rocked out but that was it!

Gray was already there and tuning his bass guitar with the tiny black attachment thingy clipped on the end -- all the Boyz had them, in the old days they would just shout to Ray to 'give me an E' and they would all tune their guitars to that in that way that guitarists do.

I walked across and kissed him, then there was one for Ray, Mark and Tom and a hug for Elaine and Deedee. Our relationship still wasn't common knowledge within the company.

"Parker's coming today," I said.

"Oh good-oh," said Ray, "That'll make for a good atmos."

"I've asked Natalie to get him here for twelve, that way he'll be here for one when we actually want him," said Tom.

"Oh," I said, "I told him to be here for 1130 seeing as you wanted him here for twelve."

There was a light chuckle. Even though a good twenty odd years had passed, the one thing everyone remembered about Parker was his lateness. The terrible thing was it wasn't lateness out of poor memory or poor co-ordination, it was lateness because he knew he would get away with it.

He was a pain in the arse in those days and we guessed he was going to be a pain in the arse again; he was a shit guitar player BUT when he stepped onto the stage and sang 'Girls on film' or 'Hungry like the wolf' every female within hearing of him went all bleary eyed and stupid, and screamed. I will confess that I used to be one of them, but I hadn't been married to him then.

Added to that he would put on his sunglasses and his Sta-Prest suit jacket and in a move all shoulders and hips would bounce across the stage with his mate Stuart who would shout 'one step beyond' and Madness would ensue.

We ran through everything up until Parker's bit and then started playing 'hungry like the wolf' and 'Girls on film' just to make sure that the gang had all of the parts down, looking out of the door for his BMW.

At 1215 there was still no sign of him but it wasn't so bad as Tom hadn't planned for him to be there until one. I had to force myself not to feel responsible for him anymore! Fuck's sake, we were separated and would be divorcing soon, especially as I had my own legal expert just a phone call or, even better, a Skype message away.

We ate our lunch and at five to one, Stuart arrived. Looking every bit like he had twenty years ago, there was the Schools Theatre Company's stand-up comedian.

Stuart Knowles was another Trade School Boy, and came across as the dodgy, slightly worrying wide-boy that would con you out of your lunch money. But no, he was a cross between John Cleese, Billy Connolly, Morecombe and Wise, Les Dawson and Rik Mayall and would have the entire company in stitches in moments and was well as being the other half of the Madness duo, he could walk on stage and fill in if the unexpected happened. And he had to on lots of occasions, be it equipment breakdown, broken guitar strings, loss of power to the stage, Stu would wander on the stage and start telling jokes always funny but never crude. Sometimes it was a shame to stop him in his tracks but he never minded.

Stuart was another of those classic Trade School 'Likes' that someone had managed to track down and despite some grey hairs as soon as his big smile beamed across the room it became a nicer place. From a one parent family -- his Dad - the wise men that ran the Trade School knew what they were doing and Stuart was 'called', much to the surprise of his Dad who had never even considered the Trade School as an option, and the chagrin of Parker's parents who knew him and his Dad well but had needed to send their son to take the test and then sit the interview.

"Stu!" shouted Ray from his place on his risers.

"Raymondo!" Stuart called back.

I wandered across to talk to him and there were those old friend cheek kisses and I saw how well Stu had kept himself, another gym attender of course.

"How's your singing voice Stu!" said Tom appearing from behind him with an extended hand.

"Thomas!" said Stuart with an equal vigour, "I don't know mate, I haven't sung in twenty years." He looked at his watch, "Don't tell me, fucking Wallace is late." He mumbled.

"Yeah," said Gray from behind him, "how did you guess?"

"Gray!"

"How are you Stuart?" he said, and the chat resumed

Parker eventually arrived over thirty minutes late, walking in as if the entire world was waiting for his arrival. He was right in a way, we were all fucking waiting for him.

"Thanks for turning up Parker," I said, feeling slightly responsible for him and his famous tardiness whatever I had told myself. As if the last year hadn't happened we went straight into arguing Mummy and Daddy mode.

You know how it goes, neither making eye contact, no cross faces, both looking away from the other person and talking 'sotto voce' so no one else could hear.

"Oh I make the effort to get here and you... you just shout at me, well no change there is there." He stopped and looked me up and down, "Natalie, just what the fuck do you look like?"

I was ready for his shit, I was dressed like the women he fantasised about and I had spent a long time getting dressed and made up that morning just so I could look this stunning and I was pleased that it had worked! "Awww this ol' thing?" I said, ignoring him and his disgust.

"Natalie," he said, "I don't know WHAT you think you look like, but for fuck's sake you actually look like a slut." He narrowed his eyes and wrinkled his nose in disgust at my wantonness.

"I thought you liked looking at sluts Parker," I said thinking about the last few of his girlfriends.

He stepped closer, cross that I should talk to him in such a manner. "Yeah, but they're young women, you're in your forties."

"I'm 37 dickhead!" I hissed at him.

"What did you call me?"

I stepped closer enunciating the words carefully for him, "Dick-head," I said, "I'm two months younger than you for fuck's sake."

"Don't you DARE talk to m..."

"Everything OK fellas?" Said Stuart butting in.

"Oh Hi Stuey!" said Parker, either remembering or forgetting that Stu hated the addition of 'ey' or 'ie' at the end of his already shortened name.

Parker slipped into his ebullient sales patter and straight into his old relationship with his old partner in musical crime where they had left off all those years ago.

"Right lads," said Tom, "Now that Parker has finally arrived I propose we crack straight in with the Madness songs, we're all up together so... Stu," said Tom his guitar growling quite impressively, "A quick 'one step beyond' if you will?"

"Ookay!" said Stu stepping up to the mike and for the final effect put on his Ray Banns.

"Hey you, don't watch that, watch this This is the heavy heavy monster sound The nutsiest sound around So if you've come in off the street And you're beginning to feel the heat Well listen buster You'd better to start to move your feet To the rockin'est, rock-steady beat Of Madness One step beyond!"

This was actually one of the moments that we had all been waiting for. The Madness bit was one of the highlights of the show, and we all knew it. As for me of course I didn't want Parker anywhere near me, the show and Gray, but I figured that for the good of the show I was pretty much stuck with it and would have to adapt.

The band was brilliant and, behind their shades, so were Parker and Stu who other than the occasional huff and puff had little to do other than dance around and occasionally shout 'One step beyond'.

For all that their acting and prancing was just as good as it had been all those years ago although Parker wasn't as fit as he was twenty years ago and did appear a bit red faced.

Tom's Katie was at her best with her sax and sunglasses and blew up a storm, even going so far as to the blow the low slow notes that indicated the introduction to 'Night boat to Cairo'.

By the time that was played and sung the entire stage and company was in on the thing and even those not on stage were dancing along with those that were. There was some brief discussion about a harness under Katie's T-shirt and there was a clang of school bells and we went into 'Baggy trousers'.

While I still hated him, I had to be impressed with his performance. Parker was a liar, a cheat, a premier bullshit artist but above all things a performer,

"Oh what fun we had But did it really turn out bad All I learnt at school Was how to bend not break the rules

Oh what fun we had But at that time it seemed so bad Trying different ways To make a difference through the days

Baggy trousers, Baggy trousers..."

There was a spontaneous round of applause, even some of the maintenance staff and the caretaker had stopped to listen and watch.

Parker and Stu were good; fucking Parker...

We stopped for a coffee break and Parker headed back over to me to carry on his rant that I dared to dress in a manner that might be attractive to someone else.

"Don't start Parker, I'm not in the mood," I said quietly sipping my coffee.

"You're just doing this to get attention aren't you?" he whined, "Just to try and get back at me."

"No Parker, this is for me; I don't do anything for you anymore remember? I used too, but you decided that I wasn't good enough."

"Yeah well, you... you said..."

"The funniest thing is, I notice that your last three 'partners' have all looked rather like me? Remember? Tall and curvy brunettes?"

Parker looked at me strangely "How... what do you mean?"

"Your favourite son Bradley posts pictures of you and them on Facebook proudly talking about his Dad's new partner and how young, attractive and successful they all are. He does take the pictures down once you split up with them of course." I saw a look in his eye and thought that might have been a mistake, "He's so very proud of you Parker, you know that..."

"Little cunt," snarled Parker.

"He's your son Parker..."

"Well I probably should have taken my belt off to him a few more times to teach him to mind his own fucking business; never did me..."

"Oh fuck off Parker, your Mum and Dad never touched you and you know it."

"Well... well it's your fault..."

"My fault? How the fuck is it my fault he's fawning all over you and your various women? He's trying to rub it my face that you have such a busy social life while..." Our body language was screaming silently across the room now.

"While you dress like a..."

"Parks!" said Ray appearing like a slightly camp Knight in shining armour, "How are you darling, it's been tooooo long." The extended 'tooo' was accompanied by a vigorous rubbing of Parker's hair making a proper mess of it into the bargain and exposing his receding hairline and bald spot.

"Fuck off..." Parker paused unable to think of a suitable riposte that wouldn't get him further grief from the comedic genius that was Gay Ray, or beaten to a pulp by his best mate the giant Graham sat across from us and, like the rest of the band, watching Parker and I arguing.

"Last stretch team," shouted Tom, "Let's have some Duran Duran; Ray, ladies we're all in on this one remember."

Marty played the intro to the riff and all of the available singers near microphones sang

'Please please tell me now! Please please tell me now!'

Parker was off again,

"Please please tell me now, Is there something I should know? Is there something I should say That would make you come my way...'

There was rather more vocal and I noticed that Parker had fluffed his lines in the second verse but I'd let Tom tell him that, the mood the twat was in.

Tom let it lie as well, and as soon as the last 'please please tell me now' had finished and the harmonisers had all caught their breath, Ray was pressing a button on his synthesiser that made the sound of the automatic winder on a camera and Parker stepped back to his mike,

"Let's have a few photographs then ladies!"

Tom and Mark went spare on their guitars and Gray thumped out the great bass line and away we went.

"See them walking hand in hand across the bridge at midnight Heads turning as the lights flashing out are so bright And walk right out to the four line track, there's a camera rolling on her back On her back And I sense a rhythm humming in a frenzy All the way down her spine,"

"Girls on film," we all joined in and Parker did his fucking thing again, bastard.

There was more applause at the end of the song, even Tom joined in. "That's excellent Parks," he said, "final dress rehearsal night before the show?"

"No problem Tommo," said Parker.

"If you aren't there on time, we replace your songs mate," said Tom.

"Tommm," oiled Parker, "I'm irreplaceable mate, besides, when have I ever let you down?"

"Do you want dates and times Parks or just the number of times per year?" said Tom.

We began the laborious process of breaking the kit down and packing it away again, and carrying it out to cars, Parker was of course conspicuous by his absence, and that was to no one's surprise.

I carried one of Gray's bags out to his Discovery and Parker was leaning on his crappy old BMW talking, no shouting, into his phone, "No Bradley, if you can't keep to your part of the deal, I'll cancel the contract... why? Because I've just had your mother lecturing me about women and that's NOT WHAT I EXPECT OF YOU!" Parker stopped shouting, looking at the phone in his hand and pointing at it in fury, tapping at the screen. He saw me and saw that I heard what had occurred, "Happy now?" He shouted in fury, "I've had to cancel Bradley's mobile phone contract -- HAPPY?"

"Parker, how should I be happy that you've cancelled his phone contract?"

"Because... because you made me do it, I've told Bradley that you said about my... my private life and that it's your fault..."

"Oh Fuck off Parker, you're pathetic you know that?"

I pressed the button on Gray's car keys and his car unlocked, and opening his rear passenger door I put his bag inside. Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder and I was being spun round.

"Some people need to remember to show a little respect..." snapped Parker.

"Who for?" I replied and stared down at him, "I can't see anyone who deserves my respect."

"OK guys, if we want this band thing to work we'll have to leave the arguments to the divorce courts," said Stuart butting in. Hearing the words 'divorce court' my wonderful man was there in a second stood behind Stu.

"Oh, thought you'd be here," said Parker seeing Gray.

"Still the bass player Parks," said Gray in control. I wasn't sure if he'd seen Parker grab my shoulder.

"Yeah the bass player, who's playing my Missus."

"I WAS your Missus Parker Wallace, but you decided that you wanted to go shagging other women," I stepped across between Stu and Gray and out of Parker's reach. "I want a divorce Parker, fuck your business, fuck what the tax man says, I want out, I don't want anything to do with your name anymore, not ever."

"You threw me out," whined Parker.

"As soon as you admitted you were shagging other women I never saw your arse for dust. All through mediation, you're telling the lady that we'd split irreconcilably and you were there to make the process smoother. You're not angry at me for what I'm wearing or Bradley's mobile, your angry because I'm finally moving on and its going well, whereas I get the funniest feeling you've run out of women and you're strapped for cash and this is just the excuse you needed to save yourself some of the stupid money you blow on your youngest son. Fuck you Parker."

"I want my share of the house then," said Parker.

"You don't have a share of the house Parker, you had the and I quote, 'multi-million pound business', I had the house that, if you remember, I paid the mortgage for."

"Yeah well," he whined, "I was badly advised..."

"Not my problem Parker," I said, "again, if you remember at the time, I did offer to buy you out of your tiny share but at the time you wanted none of it. Now your dodgy business is going tits up, suddenly you want a share of my money; too late, done and dusted, and you aren't getting tuppence ha'penny of it."

"Oooooh we'll see about that Darling Wife," he tried a sinister grin but it failed miserably.

"Is that a threat Parks?" said Gray.

"Do you think it is Mr Barrister?"

"Sounds like one to me;" Gray put on what I can only assume was a court room face, devoid of any kind of expression and the tiniest bit scary, "I suggest you get your best people on it; Natalie will just have to put up with my measly legal advice. We'll see you in court Parks, best of luck aah?"

Parker snarled "You think you're so fucking clever don't you Mr Barrister, I'm twice the man you are, twice as clever..."

"I don't think I'm clever Parks," said Gray, "There's a difference, I actually know I'm clever. You on the other hand, well you blew a gorgeous wife, a great house, three great kids and all of that so you could jump in your convertible car and go through the male menopause and pretend to be a bloody kid again and sleep around with young women. As I said, we'll see you in court, see how you get on with that."

"You threatening me?" said Parker.

"I don't need to, I'm wishing you good luck with finding a brief that you haven't already pissed off or owe money to that is willing to fight your corner on a job you've already fucked up. Like I said, best of luck with it."

Parker huffed and puffed and eventually just got in his car and drove away.

I was angry, fuming and Gray knew and put his arm around me. We went back to his place and we just did what we always did, just chilling out on the sofa with his vast 60" TV that looked huge and something akin to a cinema screen. We ordered take-out food that was delivered, and I made a point of plating it up and bringing it and the bottles of beer from the fridge and sitting on the sofa. Parker hated the idea of trays on laps.

We watched a Marvel Heroes type movie, and about half way through I needed the bathroom and cleared the trays bringing two more beers back with me. Gray raised an arm so that I could snuggle under it with my feet up on the sofa, leaning back against him so he could put his arm around and over me.

Tonight, he undid a couple of buttons on my cotton blouse, slid his hand inside and then into my bra to cup my soft tender breast flesh, my erecting nipple peeking through the gap between his index and middle finger and he gave it all just the most gentle squeeze. Not rude or sexy, just intimate, tender and sweetly yummy and I put my hand over his.

I fell asleep as I did last time he cuddled me on the sofa, and I woke to him hugging me and telling me that the movie had finished, I stretched out, trying hard not to dislodge his hand still in my bra holding my boob so nicely. We went to bed and made love, it was wonderful again even after the stressful and unpleasant end to our rehearsal thanks to Parker.