A Night for Old Time's Sae

(c) 2005 by Penelope Street

Danielle read the e-mail again. She'd read it a hundred times, but it never seemed to lose its allure.

~~~

Danny,

I'm glad you have the family you always said you wanted.

I know we missed our chance to be together as a couple and I know we both have partners that deserve our respect and loyalty, but it seems ridiculous that we cannot still share something of our lives.

Although I would not want you to imagine the rest of you lacked appeal, it was always your mind I truly coveted. As the traditions of our society go, I do not believe there is any prohibition from us sharing that, at least to some extent; if, or course, you wish to do so.

You must know, however, that no matter how society expects me to feel, I can never think of you as a sister. Ok, maybe one from Arkansas. Seriously though, I need you to understand that part of me still loves you and always will. I'm just a human being and I don't feel embarrassed about admitting the level of affection I still harbor for you.

That said, I do not seek to woo you from your husband. Even if you and he separated, I could never pursue you in good faith without his blessing. Not that it will ever matter anyway, since I have no intention of leaving my fiancee. But that does not change how I feel about you. Though I don't intend to act on those feelings, I have no intention of denying they exist either.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm still surprised by the emotions just conversing with you has stirred within me; I didn't know they were still there. I guess we should just take it slow, get to know one another again, and find a level of interaction with which we are both comfortable.

I know you said in your previous message that you much preferred talking to writing. That's fine, you can call me anytime. My number's below my signature. Don't worry if Judy answers the phone. I've told her all about you. She's not threatened. She has no reason to be; I would never leave my one true love for anyone else. I do hope Ken feels just as comfortable with you and I re-establishing contact.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Always, at least in part,

Craig

P.S.

In my opinion we had a relationship. A very special one. That it was never physical does not lessen what we shared in any way.

~~~

Danielle looked from the monitor to the clock. Four A.M. Her eyes moved from the clock to a bottle, and the two ounces of rum left in the bottom.

A hand began the slow journey to the bottle, but only made it far enough to enter the woman's field of view. Her open palm frozen in mid-reach, she shifted her eyes to the computer screen and the bottom of the message. A second later, her hand was in motion again, but not for the liquor.

Danielle knew the number anyway, but confirmed with care each digit on her computer monitor before pressing the corresponding button on her phone. Then she closed her eyes and held her breath. The line rang twice before a masculine voice answered.

"Hello?"

"Craig?"

"Danny?"

The woman nodded her head, as if anyone could see her. "Yeah. Did I wake you?"

"Yes," Craig replied. "You woke us."

"Oh. Is Judy mad?"

"She's giving me that one-eyed, 'who the hell is that' look."

"I'm sorry," Danielle offered. "But you did say I could call anytime."

Craig released an audible sigh. "Yeah. I suppose I did." He paused to scratch his head. "I just didn't expect you'd take me quite so literally. I do have to work tomorrow."

"I'm sorry. I was just feeling, well, like I wanted out."

"Out of what."

"Life."

Craig snapped upright in bed. "You're not serious?"

"About wanting out? Yeah. I'm serious. About doing it, no. I love my kids and I'd never be so selfish as to do that. But just now, I really want to."

"Give me a second," Craig suggested. "I'm gonna go to another room."

"I can call back."

"No. I'm already awake."

"I'm sorry," Danielle repeated. "I shouldn't have called."

"If you're feeling suicidal, then damn straight you should have called; me and everyone else you can think of, that's who you should call."

"Ok. Let me know when you get where you can talk."

Craig chuckled. "Already am."

"Does Judy hate me?"

"Maybe just this second, but she'll get over it. Especially after I tell her why you called?"

"You're going to tell her?"

"I tell her everything."

"I hope she doesn't think I'm trying to steal you."

"Are you?"

Danielle stiffened. "No."

Craig grunted. Or maybe it was a chuckle. "Why not?"

"Because it'd be wrong. That's why."

"Is that the only reason?"

Danielle considered the question for a handful of seconds before admitting, "I suppose if we were both available, yeah, I'd want to see you. You hear about that sort of thing all the time, people getting back together with old sweethearts."

Craig could not suppress a second guffaw. "I don't know that we were ever really sweethearts. I never even kissed you."

Danielle smiled. "Oh yes you did!"

Craig brought four fingernails to his beard stubble and scratched. "I did? When?"

"Valentine's Day. Our last date."

Craig jaw fell as he recalled the moment, and his spontaneous decision to at last kiss her. "You're right," he mumbled, as much to himself as anyone else.

"I think it was a goodbye kiss," Danielle suggested. "You were already dating Michelle."

"Goodbye kiss, huh? Yeah. I guess it was. Just a peck. Hardly a real kiss anyway."

"Yes it was!"

Craig swallowed. "Ok. Maybe it was."

"Why didn't you ever try for more?"

The man's mouth fell agape, but no words emerged. Two breaths passed his open lips before he at last spoke. "If I remember, I was the one that asked if you wanted to date exclusively, with the prospect of something permanent."

Danielle's mind floated back twenty years. She could still remember his words, and hers. "Yes," she admitted with a sigh. "I should have said 'Yes', but I was young. And stupid. I didn't know you were going to be the proverbial 'one that got away' in my life."

"Me?"

"Yes, you."

Craig grinned. "When did you figure it out?"

"When you walked away after you kissed me. When you said 'bye', there was something about the way you said it; I knew right then it was a real goodbye and not just for the night."

Craig inhaled a sharp breath. "Why didn't you say something?"

"I'd had my chance. I figured Michelle deserved hers."

"You mean all I had to do was..."

"... turn around. Ask me out again. Anything"

Craig's shoulders sagged. "You know, this isn't why you called. What's got you so down?"

"Oh," Danielle sighed. "No one thing. The whole drudgery of being a parent. It just gets so old."

"That's it?"

"Hey! You only had one and you don't even have to put up with him on a daily basis."

"I'd love to put up with him on a daily basis."

"You're right. I have to get past feeling sorry for myself. This tedium just isn't what I expected when I said I wanted a big family."

Craig nodded. "I know. I'm sorry I didn't want kids until after you were gone."

"It's no picnic. Maybe you were right after all."

Craig shook his head. "No. Even though Michelle was a mistake, Josh wasn't."

"So you miss him."

"Everyday. But at least Michelle and I split on good terms. And they just live on the other side of town, so I get to see him a lot more than most divorced dads."

"That's nice."

"Yeah, but you didn't call to talk about my son either."

"No, I guess not. Thanks. Maybe I just needed to vent."

"Are you still feeling suicidal?"

"No. I was never feeling suicidal, just a bit down."

"You said you wanted out of life?"

"Yeah, I want out of my life. But I don't want to die."

"Oh," Craig grunted with a nod. "I see."

"Are you mad I woke you now?"

"No! And promise you'll call me again if you're in trouble, no matter what the time?"

"I will."

"Right then," Craig responded, his head still moving in a slow bob. "I should get back to bed."

"Yeah, uh, me too."

"Ok, goodnight."

"No!" Danny cried. "Wait!"

Craig moved the phone back to his ear. "What?"

"When can I call you again if I'm

not

in trouble?"

Craig tongued his lips but once before suggesting, "Tomorrow night? Or I guess that would be tonight."

Danielle closed her eyes and clenched her empty hand into a fist. "What time?"

Craig shrugged. "Nine?"

"Your time or mine?"

"Yours."

"Make it eight," Danny suggested with a smile. "And thanks for letting me vent."

"My pleasure. Goodnight then?"

"I suppose so."

"Ok. Bye."

"Yeah. Bye," Danielle finished, almost as a whimper. She waited for the click, then leaned forward and hung up the phone. A second later, she collapsed in tears, arms folded atop the desk, her forehead resting on her arms.

Seven states away, Craig wandered to his computer instead of bed. Scrolling through the folder marked 'Danny' he found the e-mail with the subject of 'pics.'

A double-click later he was looking at her. Short. Dirty-blonde hair. Big nose. Bigger glasses. The trim frame of youth was gone, but she was hardly fat.

"All I had to do was make one more call?" He mumbled. "Would it really have been that simple?"

His eyes strayed to the message that accompanied the photo.

~~~

Craig,

San Diego, huh? You never struck me as a California boy! Then again I never expected to end up in Ohio either. Come to think of it, I never expected a lot of things. Like how much I missed you when you left.

I don't know that I ever really told you just how highly I thought of you. If the timing had been a little different, there could have been a relationship. I even tried to look you up a few times, but do you know how many Craig Johnson's there are?

I'm sorry to hear you and Michelle didn't make it, but at least you got a great kid out of the deal, right? And of course, I was really happy to hear you found someone special in the end.

I did too. I married Ken, an army officer. I met him during my army reserve duty a year after you and I were together. He's retired now. Put in his twenty. Does civil service work on the base nearby- same job he used to have when he was active duty. Double dipping, I think they call that.

We've four kids, two cats and two dogs, all spoiled rotten. Sometimes it's like a zoo, but that's my life. Speaking of kids, I need to go pick them up.

Here's a few shots of my husband and family, and the house my husband bought me so I'd have a place to put all those kids and pets! LOL!

Cya Later!

Danny

P.S. How did you find me?

~~~

Craig scrolled through the pictures, passing over the husband and children until the last, the one of the house, filled his screen. "It's a fucking mansion," he uttered, vocalizing what he had thought on many an occasion. "Ken must be loaded."

With a sigh, Craig shook his head and closed the computer screen. Shoulders low, he rose and stumbled off to bed; but sleep would not come before the alarm beckoned several hours later.

Danielle and Craig spent most of the following day in an eerie delirium, thinking again of what they had missed, what might have been, and, against their own wishes, what might still be. For each, the anxiety built as evening approached.

Craig watched the second hand sweep across the top of the hour. In spite of his expectation, he jumped as the phone rang. He started to reach for it, but stopped and just looked as it rang twice more. Only then did he pick up the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Hello."

Craig's eyelids dropped as he passed a single large breath, savoring the sound of the her voice. "Are you feeling better?" he recovered to ask a second later.

"No. But no worse."

Craig's head moved in a shallow nod. "I thought about you a lot today. So much it surprised me."

"Me too," Danielle admitted. "What'd you think about?"

"One phone call. Or if I'd just turned around. What could have been."

"Me too!"

"I should have made that call."

"No," Danny countered. "It was my fault. You told me how you felt. I pushed you away. Took you for granted even."

Craig chuckled. "I was like a little puppy on your leash, wasn't I? You could have taken me for granted."

"I should have taken you period."

"Did you really think that highly of me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Remember when you changed my oil for me?"

Craig shrugged. "Sure. And a tire too."

Danny smiled. "Yeah, that too."

"My roommate told me I was the worst kind of idiot- whipped and I wasn't even getting any."

"He was the idiot. I bet he never held a door for a lady the way you did. The way you do; you get Judy's door, don't you?"

"Yes. But those are just little things."

"No! They are not little things. They show how much you care about the other person. I knew how you felt about me. I should have admitted to myself that I felt the same way about you."

"I, uh," Craig stammered before pausing to swallow. "I still love you."

Danielle felt a tingling shiver traverse her body. "I love you too," she whispered back, almost before she knew her mouth was moving.

Craig chuckled through a grin. "I don't think we ever said those words before."

"Amazing what goes unsaid when you're young."

"And scared."

They both laughed.

"Yeah," Craig said. "You were scary."

"I was scary?" Danielle stammered. "Having someone so much in love with you that you know they'll do anything for you. Now that's scary. You were exactly like my little puppy on a leash. All I had to do was tug it. That's a lot of power. Too much. I was so afraid I was going to take advantage of you."

Craig issued an audible snort. "Please. If the opportunity comes up again, take advantage of me."

"Again?"

Craig shrugged. "Sure. I thought about what you said last night, old sweethearts reuniting and all. For the record, if we were both available at some point in the future, I'd consider seeing you again. Not that I want that to happen. A lot of awful things would have to happen first, you know?"

"Same here."

"But if we ever end up in an old folks home together, you better put out before the third date."

Danielle smiled. "I will. So if you were my puppy, what was I?"

"A feline, of course."

"Why? Because dogs are for boys and cats are for girls?"

"No," Craig said. "Because of the way you used to purr when something made you really happy."

Danny's mouth fell. The tips of her two longest fingers found her lower lips.

I used to do that, didn't I?

she mused.

When was the last time I was that happy?

Her thoughts drifted to her children. At once she felt like a bad mother for having made a wish that, if granted, would undo their very existence.

Craig didn't know what to make of the silence, but sensed it might be a good time to change the subject. "But you didn't call to talk about the past, or the future. Did you?"

Danny shook her head, forcing her focus back to the present. "Well, maybe not," she admitted. "But we probably should hash it out and put it in perspective. Before we move on, I mean. Don't you agree?"

Craig managed a shrug. "Sure. If that's what you want."

"Surely you must have a few questions you'd like answered?"

"Maybe."

"Well, spit it out. We're adults now. I know we were technically then, but somehow I think of the two people we were as kids."

"We were kids. Just twenty year old kids."

"But we aren't now. So ask away."

"Ladies should go first," Craig insisted.

"Fine. When did you decide to look elsewhere? To dump me."

"Dump you?"

"Yeah. That's what you did even though you didn't say so. You just quit asking me out."

"Maybe I did," Craig admitted.

"Right then. When did you make up your mind?"

"Ok. I decided that as soon as you declined my invitation to be exclusive. I didn't start looking actively until you joined the army reserve. You know you didn't even talk to me about that beforehand?"

"Not like I needed your permission!"

"No. But that you didn't discuss at all it said you didn't care what I thought. That conversation that didn't happen said a lot more than many that did. That's when I knew you really didn't care about me anywhere near as much as I cared for you."

"That's not true!"

"Sure looked like it from where I was sitting."

"Maybe so," Danny admitted. "But I did care for you. A lot. And I should have talked to you about it. But I was taking you for granted, remember? It never crossed my mind you wouldn't be waiting with open arms when I returned. When I came back from boot camp and you were with Michelle, I was shocked.

"Then when you called and asked me out, on Valentine's Day no less, I was sure you were dumping her; taking me back. I was so thrilled. Then I cried all night when I realized it was just a night for old time's sake and that you were moving on. I thought about throwing myself at you. All of me. But decided I didn't deserve you."

"You thought that?"

"I was sure of it." Danielle paused to sigh. "Would fucking you really have made any difference at that point?"

Craig moved his off hand to stroke his chin. "I don't know. If I recall you said something early on about how if I wanted sex I should find a different girlfriend. What was that about?"

"I never said that you should find a different girlfriend!"

"Maybe not in so many words, but you did make it quite clear you were not interested in being physical. Why?"

Danielle shifted in her chair. "Well, I'd had sex with a few boys before and it always seemed to mess everything up. Afterwards, it either made them all clingy or that was all they thought I was good for."

"I could never think that was all you were good for."

"No, but you could have been clingy. Hell, you were clingy. Who knows what you'd have been like if I had fucked you."

"In the end, I wasn't as clingy as you thought."

"No," Danielle admitted. "I guess not. So why didn't you ever try to make a move? I gave that same speech to other boys and they still tried."

"I didn't want sex either."

"What?"

"What, guys can't be interested in a woman for any other reason?"

"Maybe. But they always want that too."

"Not at the time. I was willing to wait for marriage."

"Come on?"

"Yes."

Danielle suppressed a chuckle. "Do tell more."

"Ok. Before you there were four others. Lisa, Cindy, Charlotte and some blonde named Allison. Although I didn't really think of it so much at the time, I only wanted to date them so I could fuck them."

"See! I knew you wanted..."

"Wait," Craig insisted. "Let me finish. That was

before

you. Allison was the last one. She was Charlotte's friend even. Met her at a party. We'd chatted before. Found out we were each on the rebound. Classic one-night stand. She must've needed a confidence boost; can't think of any other reason she'd have hooked up with me. She was the hottest babe I ever bedded, but she lived in another town.

"Anyway, six weeks or so passed and I get this call from Charlotte. She says, 'You need to call Allison.' Wouldn't say why, just gave me the number. So I called. Guess what? She's pregnant."

"Really?" Danny interjected, barely suppressing a snicker. "One night and you knocked her up?"

"Yeah!"

"Ok. Sorry. Go on."

"Well, she decided to have an abortion, which I was all for at the time. I even went with her, and paid. Never saw her again. But that scared the hell out of me. I mean, I'd always wanted some hot babe as my wife, but suddenly faced with the prospect, I realized that sex and looks weren't the most important things a girl had to offer. I decided that the next girl I fucked would be my wife."

Craig paused for a long sigh. "That's at least one promise I kept."

"And I was the next girl? I mean that you dated."

"Yep. So you see, that 'I don't want sex' policy of yours was right in line with what I wanted anyway. I was willing to make do with good old Rosy Palm for as long as it took. I would have too, but I thought I was just a blip on your radar, unworthy of real consideration."