What attracts us to one person and not another? I sat pondering this thought on my back deck. Smoking a cigarette and sipping my wine. The stars were out, sky was clear and the moon was three quarters full and shining off my wine glass. Sitting on the lounge chair in my "Life is Good" pajama bottoms and tank top, I looked for an answer in the swirls of dark liquid spinning in my glass.
My hair stirred about my face as a light wind in the middle of May blew across my life.
"Stacey! Are you coming in soon?" My roommate Beth yelled from living room.
Grinding my cigarette against the bottom of the ash tray, I stood and swallowed the last of my wine.
"Coming Beth!" I hollered back.
Walking into the room, Beth assaulted me with her energy. "I'm going out. You are already in your pajamas? What is your deal? You need to get out; it has been like weeks, months, years – a century I think!!"
She made me tired just having to listen. "Nope. Not going out tonight. Have at it babe." I molded myself into the couch and flicked on the TV.
"Ok. I will let it go – again for now." Beth breezed over and hugged me and kissed my cheek. "You will get your fun back."
I stared at her. "Me thinks I am getting my drink on this evening. Not getting my fun back."
"Nite Stac." Beth closed the door softly behind her.
I had moved to the East Coast following a bad break up after college in my hometown in California. A friend of a friend of a friend told me about a job in Pennsylvania and I took the job and drove cross country. Found Beth totally by accident – Craig's list posting for a roommate needed.
I am really not the roommate type, but, when you are in a strange place having someone to give you some guidance is helpful - even if that person is only giving advice on where not to eat, and what park not to walk through after dark. Now I wouldn't give up Beth for anything.
I went to the kitchen where I refilled my glass with red wine and searched through the fridge, finding nothing I wanted to eat. I turned the TV to a country music channel and picked up the light blanket off the couch and walked back out into the night on the deck.
Wrapping myself up in the blanket, I laid back down on the lounge, and thought about Laith and wondered what he was doing on the California coast. Got past that thought and wondered what Beth was doing.
Calming my brain I stared at the night sky, a few stars had already peaked out from their hiding places; taking the spots next to the moon high in the sky. Tried to think of nothing but slowly traces of Laith swirled back around my thoughts.
Was it my fault? Did I not give in enough? I had stood my ground or was that just stubbornness. Someone really needed to write the rule book, the guidelines for cohabitation and a relationship book for dummies.
I suddenly felt like Beth was standing over my shoulder giving me her strength. It was not my fault! I stood my ground like I should have and it was definitely all Laith's fault. Jackass.
Closing my eyes and remembering how it felt to kiss him, his smell, how good the sex had been and then, remembering the sting of his hand on my face. Not my fault. Tears that no longer could be held back erupted from my eyes.
Sobbing I wrapped myself tighter in the blanket and cried into its softness. The moon and her stars the only witnesses.
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Ouch! Sunlight hurt my eyes. My body ached at every point it touched the hardness. Blinking my eyes open I realized I was on the floor.
Raising my head an inch, caused the marching band playing the drums in my head to pound mightily, I recognized the living room floor. An empty wine bottle on its side rested beside me. I think it was mocking me! The wine glass lay beside it.
