A Journey to Self-Discovery

I never liked who I was, and not only that, I hated how I couldn't do anything about it. Since I was younger something inside of me had always been turned on by a dominant man that could make me submit to things I normally wouldn't do. A man that took control of a situation, made it his own and left me completely weak and helpless; vulnerable, some might say. A guy that could do with me what he pleased and yet I would be unable to resist him simply because he knew how to control me, and I find that overwhelmingly appealing. Most people would think that something is wrong with me solely because my desires are different from anything they have felt or thought about before, and for the longest time I did think something was wrong with me.

As I got older I was introduced to lit erotica and I found that I wasn't alone online when it came to the things I preferred sexually. I could escape in stories and let myself go, something I could never do in reality. My fantasies could take place in my mind and in my sleep without me worrying about scaring someone away, and not worrying about any repercussions. And still, your imagination can only take you so far, sooner or later you start yearning for the real thing. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried I could not find a man that would dominant me or at least make me feel the way I did when I read the stories, and I realized that I could never be truly happy and fulfilled until my needs were met.

*****

Mike has been my friend for years and I've always confided in him because I knew he wouldn't judge me and I didn't have to worry about my personal business being spread around. I've always been attracted to him and him to me, but we could never seem to make it work. When I'm ready, he isn't and when he's ready, i'm not; it was just a vicious circle. So when we broke-up last February I told him we were done, that we weren't going to keep doing this to ourselves and we hadn't spoken since, until about a week ago.

My boyfriend and I had just broken up, so naturally I was upset, but I also knew it was coming because we weren't seeing each other enough and we were growing apart. Oddly enough, that night Mike e-mailed me asking if we could get together soon and catch up, I agreed.

He came over the next night while I was babysitting and I invited him inside so we could talk. We sat down on the couch in the living room and began talking, I felt myself opening up to him again but it hurt so much, it was taking everything in me not to cry. We talked for a few hours and watched a movie and then we both agreed it was getting late so he left shortly after. The next day, he e-mailed me telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he had to see me again. My thoughts were a blur and my heart felt like it was on a rollercoaster, I was so scared of being hurt again.

Later on I met him at the park and we walked back to his house to watch a few movies. He looked so sexy lying on the bed and all I could think about was leaning over and kissing him. Then he slowly moved in really close as if he were about to kiss me and then he would move away suddenly and go back to watching tv as if nothing had happened. I was up for a little teasing so I innocently played along. Hours flew by, every time we moved there was less distance between our bodies, and each time our faces got closer and our lips parted I thought I was going to pass out from being so turned on. His breath was hot, my breathing slow. It was getting late again and I couldn't help but wonder if this whole night was a tease. Then he leaned in again to kiss me and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me into him but keeping our lips barely an inch apart, locking his eyes with mine. He stared into me for what felt like forever, I was frozen beneath his touch. Finally I realized I was going to have to be the one to make the move, to go in for the kill, so I moved the little distance that there was left between us and kissed him hard.

His arms grabbed my waist and pulled me under him, taking my wrists above my head he held them there, forcing his body onto me; Ravishing my lips, kissing my neck and grinding into me hard. Everything was dizzy, my world was spinning, I never wanted this to end.

*****

Chapter Two to follow soon.