A Forced Pairing

The village never looked less inviting to me.

Sitting there on the top of the hill on the horse, I almost wished we could turn around. Go find somewhere else to live. But even thinking that started a fiery refusal in me. Sure... Lynn and I... we'd... done what we'd done. Been together. But, what did that mean?

I looked down at the back of her head, as she was seated in front of me on the horse, finding I was frowning. It almost felt comfortable on my face to frown at her again, after the previous night lost in the snow storm.

Lost. That's how I'd felt. Lost in a world in which I'd just let myself... go. But I looked back up to the village and it came back to me that it wasn't reality. It wasn't the familiar, the real. I wanted to feel the comfortable distaste inside me that had been ingrown all along for outsiders. For Lynn's... kind.

I gripped Lynn's side, and she turned back to look at me. She was smiling.

It startled me – made me feel like I'd just insulted her by having a frown on my face. Insulted myself. Deeply. Why was she smiling? My mind whirled on the question and I gritted my teeth, almost to a snarl – I didn't like feeling like that. And she needed to wipe the smile off her face. Everyone would know. And then...

I kicked the horse forward – holding Lynn a bit more roughly. She turned and moved away from my hands a little bit, but I pulled her back against me. I could almost feel her smile fade from her – even though I didn't see her face. 'Better', I thought, sniffing gruffly. 'I'm not gonna have either of us look like love-struck weaklings...'

We came down the hill into the village rather quickly – and I could already see my father coming out to meet us as part of a group. He looked totally unconcerned about our absence and lateness. But he also seemed to be looking more at Lynn than he was at me. I suddenly was very worried that she had some kind of look on her face – something so completely revealing that... that I wouldn't know how to handle. Like all the other times with her around. She just wasn't... right. I could already feel my anxiety building to a boil.

"Figured you two got stuck in that mess", Gren called out as we approached – still looking at Lynn.

She didn't answer. I had half expected her to call out to him. "Oh! Yes! We had great fun!" . In fact – I almost heard her say those words in my head. But after a moment the silence came to roost – and I realized that no-one had answered my father.

"Yes." Was all I could muster, I threw some of my frustration and exasperation behind it – directed at the back of Lynn's head. Then I swung myself off the horse.

Lynn was looking at me – and her eyes were slightly wet, with her cheeks rosy from the cold and her face suddenly so different. The smile was completely gone. Changed. I'd wiped it off of her, all right.

Gren was still looking at her. I frowned and walked up to my father, getting in between them to get his eyes to come to me as I led the horse. His eyes broke contact with her and he looked at me, with almost a curious expression.

"Well, I wasn't worried," he said, in his large and friendly voice – but then he looked me over, and into my face. For a moment. Two. And then the corner of his mouth went up a tweak. A flash in his eyes as he looked at me. He stood up to full height and looked down – seemingly relieved. I could almost feel a sighing breath come out of him in the small space between us.

In that instant I hated it all. Hated him. Hated Lynn. Hated how I'd managed to let myself get into a situation where everyone would know everything about me. About how I felt, about what I knew. What mistakes I'd made that I'd had to tell or show anyone... everyone... about. I hated myself in that breath that he let out between us. The breath that said "I know."

"Fine." Is all I said – a word bubbling up from me as I knew my face was hot. The others with my father might not know it right away – but sooner or later they all would. I pushed through them all, not really seeing them now. Not caring what they wanted, what they offered in greeting, or really even what they thought. I just wanted... out. Away from this carnage in my mind. I pulled Lynn along on the horse like a death weight.

We got back to our hut, where I was surprised to find my mother Miki was waiting. It was later in the day than I'd expected, and she'd prepared some food for us. Normally I would have let Lynn just get down on her own – after all, it was her fault she was here, and she had to manage on her own. Just like anyone else. But... the stirrup was broken. And for some reason I just did it. I wasn't thinking. I gently lifted and lightly put Lynn down on the ground without really looking at her.

Turning, I immediately noticed Miki was gawking at us. Like I'd just lost my head or something. Noting my mother staring at me, I didn't want her to get the wrong idea – so I immediately let go of my wife and grunted at her.

"Get the packs inside. Clean up."

Lynn's face as she looked back at me was her normal one – mildly frightened. As if she didn't know what I was going to do, or how I was going to treat her. The first flash of feeling I got from this was through my eyes – from this look; a feeling of comfortable familiarity. That somehow I'd been able to right things. After some kind of insanity that had taken me in the storm. Youthful impetuousness. That it was going to be all right, and that somehow we'd finished whatever it was that we'd... done.

The next feeling I had came up from inside of me. One that stuck in my heart and throat and made my head spin. Took my breath. It was shame.

Deep shame!

I don't think Lynn saw it or felt it – she moved quickly to the back of the horse. But my mother, I'm sure. She knew me. Her son. She could probably see in the instant I looked down to the ground after I... ordered... Lynn. And the hammer that hit my Adam's apple down into my chest. My anger failed me. My frustration and exasperation that I drew on to overcome the feeling failed me. I was at Lynn's mercy. At the mercy of what we'd... felt.

What we'd shared. What the truth was.

Miki hardly said a word to me – she seemed to be ashamed of me as well – almost transitively. It was if she didn't need to say anything. She saw my reaction, and it was as if I'd broken something at home when I was a kid, or killed my dad's favourite hunting dog by accident. But inside me, it was a hundred times worse. She knew what I was feeling and that it was enough. She left with a casual goodbye to Lynn, and I went inside.

I sat down, and put my head in my hands. Trying to make the feeling stop.

I could hear Lynn dragging a pack from the horse to the side of the hut for a moment, and I knelt down and started a fire in the small fire pit. I took my frustration out on that – while my mind somehow whirled through what to do next. How to act or talk to her now. Something was going to have to be different. She was going to expect something.

I was going to expect something. Or she was going to assume I was going to expect something from her. But then I thought – shouldn't she? What do I feel?

I had a stronger fire than necessary going before I stopped thinking about other things enough to stop it. And that was when Lynn came in – a little surprised at the size of the flames. She shrank back a bit towards the door – and her white skin reflected quite a lot against the firelight. Her eyes were glassy and she didn't say anything – she just blinked at me.

"Did you get everything?" I growled.

"Yes." she said in a quiet voice. Then she turned away and went to around the other side of the fire pit. And she sat down – looking through the flames at me. I looked back at her. And I felt myself melting. From the heat and from her look. I felt a rush of anger – then a rush of shame again. Then I felt like I'd made a mistake - the night before. A big mistake. Like I'd let some animal hunt me, instead of me hunting it.

"Baz", she said. Then she wet her lips, a dart of her tongue; she looked so nervous. My chest and heart fluttered at her voice saying my name. I tried not to show it – so I looked at the fire. And didn't answer. We sat there for about a minute, with her looking at me and me looking at the fire. It settled in me that I was actually afraid of what she was going to say.

"What... do you want... me... to be?"

She sounded plaintive, almost shrill. I felt the rumblings of my frustration with her again. With the situation. But her words made me look at her – and as I did it all washed away. I felt myself talking. Talking in a way I'd talked the night before. A way that just felt... natural. Proper. Relaxed, somehow.

"I don't know," is all I said.

She looked down at the floor. Then murmured "I'm confused."

I got up and moved away from the fire. I sat on the edge of the bed and sighed. And I apologized – felt the words come out rather than had them form in my head first.

"I'm sorry. I.. don't know what to do." I tried to sound gruff but it came out as what I think sounded scared.

She was quiet. But within a moment she was there. Standing next to me. She just looked forlorn.

"Do you still... want me?" she asked. It was the most frightened I'd ever heard her – since the first moment I'd seen her. The most petrified. The most alone. It hurt my ears.

"Yes." I said immediately. Loudly. Up from my heart. Like before – not formed in my head. The surge from my chest even made me stand – up from the edge of the bed to look down on her. "Yes" I repeated – glaring and with a frown.

She looked up at me – still with the same expression. And I let go again. Let it wash over me. What... what was the point? I closed my eyes and my face slackened.

"Yes", I said a third time. My voice was different. Soft. Warm.

I felt her hands go to my waist – to my belt. The small, thin fingers moving up softly and surely over and around its rim as I stood there in front of her, at a loss. She hooked the fingertips over its edge – and I felt her nails just touch the skin of my abdomen. I shivered and opened my eyes.

Her face was changed so subtly. It was like she'd found some hidden treasure in the blackness of muck. And I wanted her to have it. Whatever she needed. Whatever she wanted. I wanted to give it to her. A hint of knowingness in her eyes. A sense of kinship – in that we were lost in this mess together. She pulled me closer with her hands, hanging onto my belt.

My head came down and I put my lips on hers again; feeling her cool skin, almost thinking that I was embracing her clean whiteness. To me, somehow, her perfection. Her skin was slightly moist, as if she's been sniffling or crying. And I opened my mouth against hers – letting my tongue move into her mouth gently.

She sighed into me, closing her eyes and relaxing. As if a tremendous weight had been lifted. And she brought her lips down onto my tongue – sucking gently onto it, before releasing and opening her mouth wider to grasp at more of mine. We kissed again like that, and then she stopped, pulling me tight to her. Her fingers were in my belt still, against my skin – and I breathed out to put the warmth of my belly against her hands.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm not better," she whispered. "I don't know what to do."

I embraced her. And I felt the truth coming out. A shaking in my heart.

"I... don't know either. I... feel... ", I started. I was trying. Trying hard. "It's.. it's got to change."

She shoved her face into my chest.

"You want me to leave."

"No." I said firmly. And I reached up and took her head, gently tilting it back to look at her. "I want you to stay. I... I want 'us'," I said strongly, and I pulled her face to mine again, kissing her mouth and sucking at her lips.

She returned the motions, moving her hands to my sides and gripping my muscles there strongly. She whimpered and her soft cheeks reddened in my grip, as I forced down on her the feelings inside of me. The ones that I knew now were the true reality. The real thing that was 'me'.

I broke off the kiss and nuzzled her cheek, while she gripped my back and shuddered breath.

"I... need to change...," I started. It was so hard to admit it to anyone. But to her... "I need your help."

She pulled out my shirt from my pants, and immediately pushed her hands up onto my chest. I could feel her now-warm fingertips touch my pecs and my hardening nipples, and I knew that I needed to prove to her – to myself. That here, in this place, that it was right. That it was real. This wasn't just a flight of fancy on a mountainside in the craziness of a snow storm. This wasn't me trying to make amends for a mistake.

This was me, opening her dress up, grasping over her clothes at her breasts; already thinking about how they looked naked. How they felt with my mouth on them. And it was her – hungrily feeling my chest muscles and pushing up my own shirt. I helped her and she helped me. And in half-lidded passionate steps we both had our top halves off, and grappled each other.

I just held her for a moment, at the side of the bed. She shivered slightly, then looked up at me – her small body mashed up against mine as I felt the heat from her chest match the heat from my body. The nubs of her nipples pressing against me and exciting me already.

"I... want to be... for you." She whispered.

I pulled her back with me, and we flopped backwards onto the bed. The fire in the fire pit had warmed the room somewhat, but the top sheets were still a bit cold on my back. Lynn came forward onto me and put her hands on my upper arm muscles, while I moved my hands onto her breasts, which hung down slightly in the position she was in. She started to kiss my chin, neck, and then my chest. Lingering over the chest muscles and kissing softly.

Then she moved her hands down to my pants. I kept my hands on her breasts – parting two of my fingers to take her nipple between them. Not to pinch, but to make her breast feel fully engulfed. She sighed and continued to kiss down my body while she opened my pants. I felt the kiss of the air against my hardening member as she freed me.

Then she stood up, looking down on me. And I up at her.

She smiled – almost shyly. But with a confidence in how we were acting that gave me pride. She grabbed one of my boots and took it off – then the other. I watched her smaller breasts jiggle and sway as she did these actions, and my swelling erection throbbed at the sight. I just watched her for a moment, as she took down my pants while she stood at the side of the bed, topless.

Finally, she had my clothing off, and I lay there. She stood, admiring me in my nudity – and I felt for once a little modest. There hadn't been much room in the shelter-tent on the mountainside, nor much light. Here, we could see. I relished in every inch I could see of her. And she looked very, very excited looking at me.

She shoved her pants down – revealing the light covering of hair between her legs, and her slender waist and thighs. I watched for a moment as she took them off – but then slid to the edge of the bed and sat up. Right next to her. She looked a little confused for a moment, when she stood up fully naked. As if she was expecting me to stay on the bed and lie down.

I reached around her with my strong arm and pulled her closer. My head was at her breast height, and I led her right breast directly towards my face. I kissed the nipple once, and she put her hands softly around my shoulders, fingers going through my hair as she sighed at the touch. Then my left hand slid to her side, moving down the outside of her thigh before getting a grip, and pulling the leg up.

She almost fell over, and looked at me a bit perplexed.

"Put your foot on the edge of the bed." I whispered with a grin.

She smiled a little curiously, then did so, so she was standing on one leg with the other bent – foot up on the bed. This opened her crotch right in front of me. I came forward with my face and kissed her breasts – licking and sucking each nipple in turn. Her hands went to my hair again and she cooed, holding my head softly as I ministered to her feminine bulbs. Then I used my hands.

I moved my right hand to her opening – spread out by having one foot up on the bed right in front of me. And my fingers met her wetness and slid down the outside of it. I kissed again, then pulled back to look at what I was doing. To see her and see what she looked like. She was very pink on her outer lips – a stark contrast to her white skin. And there was redness near her vaginal opening. My fingers were darker against the plush rouge, and I massaged in some of her natural lubricant before I let my fingers go into soft circles around the nub at the top of her vulva.

I leaned forward and opened my mouth wide – taking in as much of a breast as I could, and sucking gently on it; lapping back and forth with my tongue while my fingers played and rubbed and went in little circles. Lynn's legs began to buckle a bit – in response to the pleasure that she was feeling. So I stopped with my hand and started to stand, moving up to kiss her face and sit her down on the side of the bed.

The heat in the room was gradually coming up from the fire, which I was thankful for. So I pushed her back on the bed with a smile. Her breathing was getting more deep and intense, and I took one of her legs in each hand and spread them, getting a very good look at her finally. I then used my right hand to part her large lips, and dipped down with my face – laying the flatness of my tongue against her wetness in its entirety. I lapped upwards, a firm but not hard stroke, ending in the tip of my tongue trailing on the nub of her clit.

One of my fingers I put inside of her – stroking in and out twice, before I turned my palm upwards and curled the finger to massage the inner wall of her vagina. She shuddered and put a hand up to her face – breath suddenly catching and the other hand coming to my head to stop me for a second. She came. I heard her breath shake her back and forth. But I wasn't half finished with what I wanted.

I licked around the edges of her clitoris, then made a kissing purse with my lips and sucked on the lips around it, using her own flesh to massage her most sensitive spot. A second finger went into her, beside the first one – once again moving in and out – then gradually turning up to gently rub the inside of the front wall.

Lynn took another tiny wisp of intake of breath, and her body shook. I felt more pride, at knowing she was feeling so good. And she held my head steady – more strongly than the first time she'd come. I moved my face up and she started to sit up, so I shrank back for a moment.

She shifted to the edge of the bed and took my cock in her hands. I was only half-erect, after spending so much energy and attention on her. She felt me – looking at my penis and feeling its weight and volume. She was still breathing so hard from her orgasms, that she had to wait a second before she licked the head of it. I just put my hands on my hips, and watched her.

She looked wanton. After another breath, she pursed her lips more tightly than usual, then pushed the head of my cock into her mouth through it – as if she was offering some resistance to the hot, wet warmth. I slid about an inch and a half into her mouth, and she still applied sucking pressure. Then she reached out and grabbed my hands that were on my hips. Pressing down on them hard – gripping them. Then she started to bob her head.

Bobbing the end of my cock, the most sensitive areas, in and out of her mouth; making small, sucking sounds as she did so. I watched her, looking down as my cock steadily pumped into her face and she gripped my waist – pulling me in and pushing me out as she wished; her tongue flicking over the head. I felt a pressure building up in my loins, and I squinted. I could feel the tension and extreme tightness in my balls start to come up. That's when she touched my balls – weighing them in one hand while lathering the underside of the head of my cock with her tongue.