My wife has got it into her mind she is fat. When I tell her she's crazy she gives me a hard time. After I tell you this story, you make the call on who needs a shrink.
I'm David and my wife is Carol. We have known each other since grade school were high school sweethearts and went to college together. We have been married 21 years, no kids and for all practical purposes, built a great life together. We have been faithful except for that one time in Jamaica, when we were first married and met two other couples our age. Needless to say we dabbled in swinging for a week and that got it out of our system. I only add that for reference purposes if it may help explain things.
Carol is a diet junkie and a complete ditz. She is also the sweetest person on earth. She believes she is overweight and that help is required for her to lose the pounds. First let me put some cold hard facts on the table. Carol is 44, 5'6" and 152 pounds. When we were first married (21 years) she was 5'6" and 138 pounds. In high school she was 5'5" and 132 pounds. Do you see where I'm going? These variances are well within the range of weight and age. Carol does visual inspections on herself, daily. I think she intentionally buys clothes one size to small to motivate her to lose several pounds.
She keeps tabs on friends from high school and if she see's one of them or get's on line, always tells me how good they look. You can tell, especially on the internet that her old girlfriends are still posting earlier pictures of themselves. Just last week we ran into her friend Amy from high school. Amy was a runt in school, maybe all of 100 pounds with wavy blonde hair. Her picture on line looks the same. Well, walking towards us last week was a grey haired, short oversized woman we did a double take to recognize as Amy. In fact, Amy noticed us first. Amy is on the north side of 200 pounds, no tits and a backside that could rival an eclipse if she could hold it to the sky.
The conversation was weird to. Amy told Carol how great she looked, which my wife ignored, but Carol told Amy how good she looked. I thought at the time to stop at an Eyemasters store for Carol to have an exam.
To be perfectly honest, could Carol have less weight, yes. But what does one expect at 44, to still have the body of a 20 year old? The tits sag some, but hey, they are 36DD, that much meat will drop some. Yes the hips can pinch an inch and the backside is a little wider, for a fact though, most of the guys I know would not chase her out of the bedroom.
I cannot tell you all the diets she been on. Testimony is in the brochures, samples and the leftover units we have stuck in spare places. South Beach; Hollywood; Adkins; Scarsdale; Weight Watchers; Jenny Craig; Nutrisystem; Slim Fast are just some of the more well known that have come and gone through our doors. I have also seen some lesser known diets, such as Cabbage soup; chicken soup; acai berry; and chocolate soup. We have a jar of this, a bag of that in our spare rooms. It's dreadful that Carol hasn't stayed on one for any time period. I don't know if any would work since she gets bored with them quickly or worse yet, saw or heard about a new one and jumped on that.
She has lost weight, upwards of 15 pounds over several weeks. But whatever she does, she reverts back and the weight is on again to her dismay. Talking to her about this is like trying to get an average dog to stop sniffing the ass of another one -- impossible.
Carol has dragged me along when she goes on these binges. I have suffered through these diets and worse. Sometimes the nausea of what we're eating makes me sick and as often as I can sneak away, I get myself some burgers and fries. I'm like my wife; I've gained some since school, 175 to 191 at 6'. I walk a lot, use the treadmill at home, no smoking, and drink very occasionally, usually a light beer or wine. The former six pack is behind a buttery wall but my labs are ok and I don't suffer health wise. Carol is in excellent health as well and our doctor scoffs at the idea of all these diets, even telling her how dangerous some are.
Most of our friends think she is a little goofy chasing all these fixes and that she is great looking for this stage of her life. I'm a little upset over the amount of time and money that has been spent over these "fixes" when we could save more or even take an occasional vacation. Since we both work we make enough to live a little better than we do.
Recently Carol has been scanning the internet for any new diets that are being discussed. Since Oprah and others really don't do shows on them anymore, the internet is really the one place that touts these plans. Carol has been excited over something lately but has not informed me yet what it is. Hopefully it's not like some diet that in the past a vulture would pass on.
Yesterday on my way home, Carol called me and asked how far I was away. When I said 10 minutes, she told me she would have dinner on the table and she wanted to inform me on her diet she was going to start. O boy, I couldn't wait.
Was I shocked on entering the dining room. Mashed potatoes, green beans and freshly made chicken tenders in large quantity were laid out before me. This was a meal for the gods. I had not had a meal like this in over a decade, most of the time it was a powder of this, pills of that or worse, a planned out portion of cardboard tasting crap. If this was the new plan, I was all in and I told Carol so.
Carol smiled and told me to enjoy it; she planned to have this kind of food for me from now on. That news made my pecker hard and I wanted to grab her and fuck her on the table between the plates.
While stuffing my cheeks full like a starving squirrel, Carol began to speak.
"David, I will start my diet tomorrow, but I will need your help."
Barely able to speak due to the excess in my mouth, I asked her what she was talking about. She had just said that this meal and others like it would be the diet.
"No honey, I said that would be your diet, not mine."
My heart sank thinking there was going to be new toothpaste tubes of compressed food laying around the house.
Finally emptying my mouth, I got to ask a coherent question. "What kind of diet are you going on this time?"
Carol stared at me and responded with, "A protein diet."
"Shit Carol, you've been on a dozen of those before."
"Not exactly like this Dave. You see this will be a different protein."
"What do you mean by that? Protein is protein, whether from animal or plant, right?"
Carol smiled at me with an I'm going to teach you look on her face. "No dear, this product contains small amounts of protein that is highly enriched and is there to nourish an organism it protects. You can almost call it the stem cells of protein."
What the fuck she was talking about I couldn't tell you, but I envisioned something expensive and probably hard to get. She looked over at me like a superior, knowing something I did not.
