Xenobiological Morphosis
Chapter 01
Qwaizoo looked down at the small blue and green terrestrial planet, was it for
this
that they had traversed the grand cosmos? It was tiny and ugly with its unsightly viridescent hues and uninspired atmosphere but it wasn't his place to question the directives of the Prime Smack--may they remain ever gelatinous.
"We have successfully entered the orbit without detection, Grand Scrutineer Dhuussod" He reported with a respectful furling of his moist lappets to his lounging superior.
"Very well done indeed, High Phsycophant Qwaizoo. I commend you and your esteemed crew on the inimitable caliber of their service to the Prime--may they remain ever gelatinous--on this mission." The Head Researcher Extraordinarius swished from within his command pool set high upon the sloping star-ships bridge. Qwaizoo's cerebral bell rippled with pleased currents of luminous gray under the proffered praise as he awaited further instruction.
"Is it not a fascinating little planet, High Phsycophant?" The Grand Scrutineer inquired dreamily, inhaling deeply of the wafting helium vapors bubbling up around him.
Qwaizoo didn't think so. He greatly disliked the large dry expanses called "land" with their craggy mountains, sprawling forests and sprawling plains all fixed unwavering in place. The oceans were somewhat better but still paled in comparison to the roiling gaseous depths of Beta Crateris III with its enormous lakes of boiling methane and vast, endless storms.
"Of course, Grand Scrutineer." Qwaizoo dutifully agreed before feeling something more was expected from him, "It is very...
blue.
"
That was the best he could come up with in the face of such a perverse observation from Dhuussod. The horrid greens, blues and whites of the planet below were far too vivid and garish for the sensitive vision of the Craterisal crew. He much preferred the darker reddish-brown shades of his Jovian Homeworld's tempestuous skies.
But he wasn't about to gainsay a celebrated genius of the Prime Smack, even if one did hear some distasteful rumors...
"Indeed... Indeed!" His commander burbled, excited shades of rose blinking beneath his glistening mucus membrane. "And what are your initial impressions of the dominant species?"
The Hootnams?
Qwaizoo wanted to say that they were a repulsive hive of primitive land-bound bipeds who would never know the pleasures of swimming through a glittering diamond rain-shower or drifting lazily atop hot hydrogen thermals. They were hideous with their dry, flaking epidermis and hard, bony bodies that swung at odd angles when they moved. No grace or flow to them at all.
"They are interesting and unique, Grand Scrutineer." Qwaizoo hadn't gained his elevated rank and station without the ability to read his superiors' moods.
"Ah yes, I see that we are in complete agreement." Dhuussod ruffled his rippling gills in satisfaction. "We shall begin at once. Send a crew member down to the dark side of the planet. They must select a Hootnam test subject on which to administer Compound X244-1c. Then we can begin our observations."
Send one of his own people down to that dismally dry and frigidly cold planet overpopulated with the repugnant
hootnams?
Qwaizoo couldn't do that, he proudly respected each and every one of them as though they were his own spawn. All but
one
that was...
"Flunky third class; Bhamme! Remove your pseudopod from your shtaaark-hole immediately and prepare for an away mission."
The surprised Craterisal crewmate turned from the environmental controls, removed the offending appendage from the aforementioned orifice and gestured at itself as its eye-stalks twitched in startled embarrassment.
"Who...
me,
Sir?"
Terry held two neckties up to his throat and inspected himself in the bedroom mirror. Soft hands ran over his shoulders from behind and warm lips pecked him fondly on the cheek. The smell of apricots and sandalwood...
"
Hmmm~
You've still got it, Baby. Wear the cornflower blue one, it brings out your eyes." His fiance Amy crooned before turning away and buttoning up her own crisp white blouse.
Behind them the bedsheets were a jumbled mess, strewn about like the wreckage after an all-star WWF throw-down match. Which this morning's unexpectedly energetic frolic had strongly resembled.
"Yeah... that was really something wasn't it?" He mused, popping his collar and looping the tie around his neck. "Jesus, I woke up this morning feeling as randy as a teenager."
"Well, you won't find me complaining. Just give a girl a little warning next time. Now we're going to have to hurry if we don't want to be late to work."
Late for work, Terry couldn't afford that. His vicious bitch of a boss already had him on "performance evaluation plan" and was looking for any opportunity to ship his lazy ass (her words, not his) right out the door with plans to slam it firmly shut forever behind him.
"I still think she might have a crush on you." Amy giggled when he told her as much.
"This isn't elementary school, Doll. She is ten years my senior and the only crush she's got is the desire to crush my hopes of earning enough dough for our dream honeymoon."
They had both agreed that the wedding didn't have to be a grand affair, an intimate courthouse marriage would be just fine. With a few family members and close friends to witness them tying the knot but the honeymoon...
It would be the vacation to end all vacations. An around the World trip that would hit as many bucket-list locations and attractions as possible. Watching the Aurora Borealis above the shining glaciers of Norwegian fjords, running with the bulls in Pamplona, soaking up the sun on a white sandy beach in the Bahamas, walking the Great Wall of China and more. Not to mention making sweet, passionate love in as many different countries as possible, it was going to be epic!
...if they could ever scrape up enough spare change to afford it.
"Do we have time to brew coffee before we go?" Terry asked hopefully, then groaned as he checked the time on his phone.
"Let's splurge a little at the McCafe drive-thru on the way." Amy quipped as she tied up her long chestnut curls and stepped smoothly into her sensible black pumps. He admired her long legs as she did. "You earned it today, Tiger."
He was certainly a lucky man, Terry ruminated as he grabbed his wallet and keys to follow his fiance out the front door of their small duplex apartment. Amy was beautiful, smart as a whip, easy going and a good match in personality for him. Where he was prone to flights of fancy, she kept him grounded in reality and where she could bogged down in grinding gears of day to day life, Terry brought out her spontaneous side. They were great together.
"Hi
Teeerrry~!
"
Shit... That was Fiona from next door doing her morning stretches out on their shared front lawn again. She was young and Terry didn't how she could afford to live alone in the neighboring apartment but with the face of a magazine centerfold, that thick mane of fiery red hair, a yoga-sculpted figure and sleek legs that went on for miles... he could only imagine how readily life's doors were opened for her. Rich parents perhaps? He had never asked.