"Aaron "Wankman" Walters? There's a name I've not heard in quite some time. What a wanker that guy was. I remember the '98 finals; he competed in the 1 hour hog wash, the long shot, and the cup fill, all in one weekend!"
Aaron sat at the table behind the patrons, his back to them. Even if they looked him dead in the eye, he doubted they'd recognise him. Age had taken most of his hair, greyed his beard, and added 50 kg to his frame.
He remembered the 98s. He took 2 golds and a silver. An unprecedented medal haul. Only a terrific shot from Jerry "The Jerk Off" Jefferson had taken the gold from him in the long shot, and it has been said he has been edging himself for two weeks solid before the tournament.
It was a well-held fact that masterbation was a young man's game. And in many ways they were right. There was no way he'd be able to even qualify for the long shot now at his age; his once enviable velocity now spent.
The cup fill he thought he could at least line up for, but he didn't have a chance to even place. Some of these young guns could shoot up to 10 millilitres now with their special diets and hydration plans.
None of that in Aaron's day! You turned up and let your natural talent take over.
And another thing, you knock the Wi-Fi off; you deprive these youngsters of the internet and see what they could do.
Back when Aaron broke through, it was imagination that counted. It's all very well watching hours of every conceivable sex act played out at the touch of a button, but you send them to their Gran's house with only a catalogue lingerie section and see what they could do.
Back in the day, Aaron was seen as a prodigy.
No one has seen a wanker like him since Bill "Fill Her Up" Phillips. We were talking generational talent.
He had records that would stand the test of time.
Seven in an hour! Seven! No one else had passed 5.
He held both the most strokes endurance record and the least stroke speed record due to his unnatural control. The secret was in the mentality.
He could switch his mind to a hot peek of cleavage and pop immediately, or he could last for hours by reciting the Everton '96 FA Cup squad over and over again.
But now, at 48, his prime was well passed.
What did he think he was doing?
No one has placed at the Wanking World Cup past the age of 35, and his return had started a meme about sad old wankers. People were laughing at him. He'd fucking show them.
A line of wankers made their way through the crowd. Aaron towards the back.
The announcer's voice rang through the auditorium.
"Welcome to the stage, the finalists of the one hour Hog Wash!"
The 1-hour hog wash was the showpiece event.
Sell out crowd for this one. Each competitor sat on their podium and attempted to knock out as many as possible within the hour limit.
Six men took the stage. There were some quality pullers in this event.
Current world champion "Small Man" Sam Adams; Fresh from his long shot gold Sebastian "baguette" Bonaparte; Japan's newest wonderkid Aiko "Katana" Takahashi; Cup fill legend Omar "The Pump" Patel; freestyle champion D'Brickashaw "Pipeline" Picton,
And Aaron "Wankman" Walters. Has-been.
He'd only managed to qualify after bad boy of wanking Vic "Puff Puff" Paulson had been disqualified for ungentlemanly conduct following a taunting incident, where he'd flicked his jizz at a fellow competitor.
Each man took his place on his podium, and the screens that would show the porn compilations were wheeled in front of each man.
D'Brickashaw Picton stood in front of Aaron's podium.
"I just wanted to say, man, you are the reason I got into wanking," he said, extending a hand to shake. "I watched tapes of your cup fill in '04; what a performance, my man."
They shook and bumped fists.
"Thanks, Dee. I appreciate it. Good luck, bro."
Aaron scanned the crowd; there was a fever pitch of excitement out there. He saw banners and placards for all the competitors but couldn't find one for him.
His eyes fell on a familiar face, Glenda.
His ex-wife sat in the second row, hair longer than the last time he saw her, but she still looked beautiful to his eyes.
He'd met her at the height of his fame, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married within a year. Only when his star had started to fall had things started to go wrong.
No fault of Glenda's, but the lack of adrenaline from competing had led Aaron into some reckless choices, trying to chase the highs of being adored by thousands.
Drink, gambling, and backroom wanking had all taken their toll on Glenda, and they'd been separated for the last 8 years.In that time he'd cleaned up, got sober, and this was his final goodbye to the wanking world.
To see her out there... It brought back a lot of good memories and warm feelings.
The announcer's voice rang out once more.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the event is about to begin; let's get Readyyyyy Tooo Fummmble!!!!"
The competitors all shrugged out of their robes; each man in the crotchless Spandex body suits in their country's colours.
Although Aaron didn't fill out the red, white, and blue as sexily as he once had, he's trimmed down from his worst weight gain and at least presented an admirable dad bod.
There was a five-minute grace period where competitors got comfortable and started trying to get the blood flowing.
The youngster, Takahashi, was already solid. Impressive, young man, thought Aaron as he concentrated on the porn on the screen, trying to get hard.
He looked up and caught Glenda's eye. She gave him an encouraging smile, then moved her fist back and forth close to her mouth and pushed her tongue into her cheek, miming a blowjob.
Aaron smiled broadly. That did the trick.
"I am surprised an old fart like you was even able to get eet up." Sebastian Bonaparte quipped in his thick French accent.
"Yeah, remembering your wife swallowing my load did the job; thanks, Froggy." Aaron responded.
You had to hold your ground in the wanking arena; intimidation was a legit tactic.
The beeps counted down the remaining seconds, and on the hooter, the hour began.
The roar of the crowd drowned out the slapping of meat as all the competitors began their first shot.
Just 2 minutes later, Takahashi put one on the board, followed in short order by D'Brickashaw and Sebastian. This wasn't a speed game, but Aaron felt the pressure building as Patel and Aaron's both put a score on the board.
Aaron's experience told him that Patel had expended too much there on the first pop, and he'd be in trouble sooner rather than later.
Sebastian turned to Aaron, swigging from a bottle of water.
"What eez ze matter, Wankman, 'ave you forgotten 'ow to make eet work? You''ve embarrassed yourself and zis competition, old man."
Aaron tuned him out and concentrated on the girl taking a pounding on his TV screen. Her partner pulled out and sprayed his jizz on her abdomen. Just in time. With the implicit permission of his entertainers, he let loose his first load.
