Two More Yarns

Another couple of yarns heard when I was parading about the large square to the tune of much shouting and yelling.

Please comment and votes are welcome.

Rude and ignorant comments are not welcome, especially from Mr, Ms or Mizz Anonymous.

Also, the stories are fiction, that means they are not true. It's just a bit of humour people.

The first one.........

{.....}

An elderly gentleman went to the family doctor to see him about a problem he had, and which had been bothering him for same time. Inside the doctor's surgery was an elderly woman sitting behind the receptionist desk. She had the countenance of extreme anger and gave off the impression that she wanted nothing to do with anyone.

"Yes", she stated, "What do you want?"

"I want to see the doctor please."

"Why. What's wrong with you?"

"I've got a problem with my penis."

At this, the other patients stopped what they were doing or reading, and immediately turned to look at the exchange about to unfold at the desk.

"You can't come in here and say that" the woman yelled. "You say something like you have a problem with your eye or elbow, but certainly not using that word that you just said. Now go outside and come inside again and use some other word instead."

The old man shuffled his way outside and stood for a minute or two, obviously thinking about he was going to say.

He then made his way back to the receptionist's desk and waited.

Eventually, she looked at him and said, "Yes, what do you want?"

"I'd like to see the doctor, please."

"And why do you want to see the doctor?"

"I have a problem with my ear," the man advised.

"You see," the woman said, "That's much better. Nice, polite, and one can't get offended by the word 'ear' "

"Now, what's wrong with your ear?" she asked.

The old man looked around the room and grinned, then said, "I can't piss out of it."

*******

The second yard goes something like this, again heard when I was shunning and unshunning in the army many eons ago.

{.....}

The youngish man of about 22 or so years went to see his family General Practitioner (GP) complaining of very painful testicles and severe headaches.

The young man told the doctor that they had started after he had stopped growing, and the discomfort and the pain had steadily got worse as he got older.

The GP carried out a thorough examination of the young man, and declared that he would need to get blood tests done, also x-rays and an MRI of the brain. The GP commented that he hadn't seen anything like these symptoms before, and he was extremely concerned about the young man's health.

He would need to get the x-rays, blood tests and the MRI done as soon as possible and then to return to get the results when he was contacted by the receptionist to make another appointment.

The man spent the next few days arranging and then getting the various tests done. Eventually he had completed everything and then waited impatiently and very worried about the results.

Although he didn't have a serious relationship going at that time, he did have several girlfriends with benefits that he would go out with on dates and mutually satisfying evenings and weekends, and if there was anything seriously wrong, he might never be able to do that again.

Well, he could have and go on dates, but the mutually satisfying conclusion might not happen ever again.

As well as that problem, although he may be able to marry, he might never get the opportunity to have a family.

After some days of nervous waiting, he received a phone call asking him to come to see the GP as soon as possible.

The young man arrived at the doctor's surgery and after waiting a few minutes, was ushered into the doctor's examination room.

The doctor looked at him and said, "Well, all of the tests have come back and although somewhat inconclusive, my colleagues and I have surmised that the issue is definitely a testicular issue, which is affecting the brain, and causing the severe headaches. We are of the opinion that you will need a Orchidectomy, which is also known as orchiectomy."

"My God, what does that involve?" asked the young man who was almost in tears.

The doctor quietly explained, "It is the surgical removal of one or both testicles. In your case, it will be removal of both. The procedure is typically performed under general anaesthetic and done through a groin or scrotal incision. It's often used to treat testicular cancer or prostate cancer, but in this case for other medical reasons such as severe infections or chronic pain such as the headaches you are experiencing, then the removal will, we are convinced, will alleviate the pain and the discomfort you are experiencing at present. It generally means an overnight stay in hospital and two or three days convalescing at home. We will also have to put you on replacement testosterone medication. Now you can still obtain and maintain an erection, but you won't be able to father children."

"And what is likely to happen if I don't do this orcch...orch...."

"Orchidectomy......Well, the headaches will increase and become more and more debilitating, and it is likely that you will suffer a series of strokes and then, unfortunately, die."

"How long would I have if I... I don't...." the young man broke down and the doctor waited until the patient had composed himself.

"Probably only a few months or perhaps a year or so. It really depends on any severe effect that the problem has had on the brain."

"Oh, well, I suppose that I had better get it done then......At least I'll have some life," the young man whispered.

The doctor replied, "I would expect that you should live an almost normal life for many years, even without the possibility of fathering children.

I'll book the hospital, and we'll get the procedure done as soon as possible."

Some weeks later, the man visited the doctor and was told that everything seemed to be clear, now. Having confirmed that the headaches were no more, and of course there were no more painful testicles, given they had been removed.

The GP suggested, "Look I understand that this has been a severe shock for you and difficult for you to understand, but why don't you go and get some new clothes, treat yourself, go on a holiday or out with friends and try not to get too depressed about your situation. You never know, you may find some new hobbies to interest you. Hopefully it will take your mind off where you are now, and you can enjoy life as best you can."

"You know," said the young man, "You're right. I will, and look I know this isn't what I was expecting, but I guess I have to make the most of what life has thrown at me. I'll do that, get new clothes, go out with my friends and enjoy life as best as I can. At least I won't be moping around the place like I am at present. Thanks Doc, that's great advice. Will I need a follow up visit?"

"Oh, perhaps in a year or so. The scrips I have given you are good for 12 months, so you'll need to come in then to get them renewed."

The young man left and walked down to the shopping mall. He found a 'Gentleman's Apparel Shop' and walked in looking at the array of suits, shirts and other items on display.

An obviously effeminate man came up and asked, "Can I help you with anything?"

"Ah yes please. I need to completely re-outfit myself with clothes, everything from shoes and socks to ties, underclothes, shirts and suits."

"Ooh yes sir. Please, come this way and let's get started shall we."

The man was shown, and tried on, many suits, shirts, pants, jackets and assorted other apparel, and he picked out some really nice examples of suits, shirts and so on.

The salesman then suggested that seeing as how he was getting a whole new wardrobe of clothing that perhaps he should upgrade his underwear, singlets, tees and thermal underwear as well.

"Yes," the young man stated. "Yes, let's do it. I might as well upgrade everything that I will wear."

"Now," commented the salesman, "you need a 38 underwear, and a 36 singlet.............."

"Oh, well no, I've always worn a 34 underpants and a 34 singlet, I know you've been pretty spot on for sizes up till now, but I can assure you that you are wrong about my undies and singlets."

The salesman looked at him and remarked, "Umm, well Sir, I've been pretty accurate so far, but I'll just measure you up and check." He got his tape measure out and confirmed indeed that the man needed a 38 underpants and a 36 singlet.

"But I've worn a 34 underpants and singlet ever since I was in high school. Why all of a sudden do I need a larger size?"

"Because you do, and well, just looking at you, I would say that if you've been wearing a 34 underpants and singlet for all those years, it's a wonder that you haven't been getting sore balls and headaches."