Note: I'm a bit bummed out by all the serious Winter Holiday Contest stories this year, including my own previous entries, so am offering this bit of fluff for your amusement. Enjoy!
*
Lotta Tits was depressed. Christmas was coming soon and she hadn't been laid for months. You see, Lotta had a vagina that was 16 inches deep. The normal 6 inch cock barely excited her, and even a 10 inch monster was merely a tickle.
As Lotta moped around her ratty living room, her enormous tits swung from side to side. They were so big, she had given up wearing a bra long ago. Being five foot four and 250 pounds had its advantages. Lotta never had to worry about crowds, it was like Moses parting the Red Sea. And her neighbors upstairs could always help her up if she slipped on the ice and fell.
Lotta lived on the first floor of a two family house. The second level was occupied by Marvin and Hannah Finklewrinkleberg, a wonderful Jewish couple that worried about Lotta constantly. Since the walls were paper thin, the Finklewrinklebergs could hear all the antics downstairs with little trouble. Lotta was very outspoken, and had a shrill voice which carried for a mile. When she got upset and banged on the walls, the glasses in the Finklewrinkleberg's cupboard shook and the pictures on their walls vibrated out of alignment. Fortunately, Hannah was slightly hard of hearing, so she couldn't always make out the exact words. And Marvin just ignored everything, including Hanna's constant whining.
Besides her peculiar anatomy, Lotta had what you might call "gutter taste." She collected velvet paintings of Elvis Presley, had a large collection of Lava Lamps, and absolutely adored pink flamingos. She had placed a couple dozen on the front lawn before the neighbors complained and signed a petition. Now, only 6 dejected hot pink birds graced the tall grass, which Lotta was too lazy to mow.
In desperation, Lotta had placed a personal ad in the West Intercourse Advocate, a seedy local paper that had personal ads for every taste and whim. Her great aunt, Lotta Lotta Tits, sent her a check for $100.00 every year and Lotta had an idea as to how to put the money to best use. Her face brightened as she looked out the window, just in time to see the weekly Advocate being thrown onto her front step. She opened the door quickly to retrieve the newpaper, and clawed the pages passionately, anxious to see if her ad had been printed. As large pieces of newsprint crumpled down to the floor like confetti, Lotta let out a large whoop. Her ad was the only one under "Extremes", with a heavy black border around it:
WANTED: A SIXTEEN INCH COCK!
GIRL WITH DEEP VAGINA WANTS AND NEEDS YOUR SIXTEEN INCH MEMBER. UPON PROOF OF SIZE, YOU WILL BE PAID ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS, AND BE GIVEN A HOT SESSION OF EXTREME PLEASURE. SERIOUS REPLIES ONLY, BYOTM!!
Lotta frowned, wondering if most people would know BYOTM meant Bring Your Own Tape Measure. Oh well, too late now. She turned on her favorite show, Jerry Springer, while munching on potato chips.
During one of the commercials, Lotta dialed the number given by the newspaper to retrieve messages. She was delighted that she already had four. Writing down all the necessary information, Lotta made a few frantic phone calls and in a matter of minutes had arranged for two meetings. One within the next hour, and the second for early that same evening. Lotta figured that both men probably wouldn't have a sixteen inch cock, and if they did so what, it would just be double the pleasure!
Lotta tried to make the time go by more quickly by making a feeble attempt to clean her modest 5 room abode. She made sure the king sized bed had new Elvis Presley sheets, and dusted the cobwebs off her velvet paintings. After exactly one hour, the front doorbell rang.
Lotta jumped like a baby hippopotamus and opened the door in one fell swoop. A sandy haired man stood in the breezeway, holding a large box.
"Hi, I'm Stewart, I'm the one who answered your ad."
"I'm Lotta Tits. Nice meeting you."
"May I come in?"
"Of course."
Lotta stepped aside, eying the stranger's crotch. She didn't see any bulge at all, and wondered if he was just putting her on.
"So, can you show me why you answered the ad?"
"Of course, it's in the box. His name is Lenny."
"It's...in the box?" Lotta all of sudden felt very creepy. What kind of crackpot names his dick Lenny? She had really hit a nutcase this time!
"Yes, I had to take it off where it usually goes this morning, but don't worry, I'll put it back if you don't want it."
Lotta was about to vomit. She partially hid her eyes as Stewart opened the box and slowly unwrapped a large red cuckoo clock, standing exactly 16 inches tall according to a yardstick taped onto it.
"What the HELL is that?" Lotta was completely shocked.
"A sixteen inch clock...isn't that what you wanted?"
"It's COCK not CLOCK!" Lotta screamed at 80 decibels.
"Oh" Stewart mumbled meekly. "I thought it said clock."
"You are wasting my time!" Lotta continued to rant.
"Oh, please don't say "wasting time" in front of Lenny, he's very sensitive."
"Oh yeah, we'll here's what I think of Lenny!"
Lotta leaned over and pushed the clock with both her boobs. The timepiece rolled over several times, coming to rest on its back. At the same time, the jolted mechanism started to cuckoo frantically, as a brilliant red cardinal came in and out of swinging brown doors.
"Now look what you've done, Lenny's hurt!" Stewart looked like he was about to cry.
"Make it stop!" Lotta was frantic as the loud cuckooing was getting in her ears.
"I can't, you've broken Lenny!"
Stewart began to cry as Lotta began to scream.
"I'M GOING CUCKOO, I'M GOING CUCKOO!!"
*******
"Marvin, Marvin!" Hannah jostled her husband on the sofa as they sat watching All In The Family reruns. "Lotta's screaming she's going cuckoo!"
"She IS cuckoo!"
"No, but listen, I hear a cuckoo clock!"
"And I hear a symphony...turn the sound up!"
As Hannah reluctantly fidgeted with the volume knob, a door slammed downstairs. At the same time, Lotta's ranting stopped.
"I don't hear it anymore." Hannah looked slightly embarrassed.
"OY- VAY!" Marvin exclaimed in disgust. "Get me a bagel."
*******
After the cuckoo clock fiasco, Lotta took a long shower and spruced up for her second visitor of the day. She figured things could only get better, and tried to imagine what a hard 16 inch cock would look like. As she was salivating, the doorbell rang. Lotta answered it in a split second, bolting across the room so fast she almost tripped on her tits. Standing in the doorway was a 20 something punk, adorned with tattoos and wearing very baggy pants. Now THIS was more like it!
"Hi babe, I'm Lotta Tits!"
"And I'm Peter Prick. Like what you see, honey?"
Peter fingered an enormous bulge tenting out his thin track pants.
"Oh yeah, I can taste it now sugar."
"You'll taste it alright,"
Peter kicked off his pants and took a tape measurer out of his shirt pocket. He wore baggy white boxer shorts and she could see his long thin prick within. It had a delightful curve at the end and bobbed up and down in the sheer material.
"Sixteen inches exactly." Peter ran the thin tape against the long bulge in his underwear. "Now, pay up!"
