The Worst Blowjob Ever

The. Worst. Blowjob. Ever. -- A Humorous Short Story

This is meant to be a humorous short story, it is also told as a narrative. It's a true story from a situation that happened with my first sexual partner and girlfriend at the time. It's meant to be funny and make you laugh as well as being a cautionary tale about mixing food and sex, so take it with a grain of salt. I was 18 at the time and my girlfriend was a couple years older at 20. This is my original work and not to be reproduced or posted without my explicit authorization and consent.

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I was a rather small and awkward young man, I grew up physically much later in life and at the time when I turned 18 was only about 5'6" tall and 115lbs. I am Mr. Wonder Bread white and very skinny and a bit awkward around people. I didn't have a lot going for me in attracting the opposite sex even though I was (and had been from a young age) a complete horn dog with an out of control libido. I tempered that by being a gentleman and being brought up in a 1950's Leave It to Beaver environment so always treated women with respect kindness.

A lot of that is what lead to me being so awkward, about the only thing going for me was most girls thought I was "cute" and I was actually able to talk to them without sounding like a complete fool. My girlfriend at the time was this tiny little firecracker who grew up in Mexico and was about 5'4" tall and 105lbs and was lithe and outspoken. She had a bit of a raunchy sex drive (woohoo for me!) who took the lead since until her, I was a virgin and was still very much learning about being sexually active.

I ended up losing my virginity with her (that's a story for another time as it was both wonderful, ridiculous, and a bit humorous too) and we were always finding new things to try out and going at each other like rabbits. Since we both lived with our parents at the time (I was a Senior in High School and she was a Freshman in the local community college) we were always sneaking around or having fun in the car. I was lucky at the time to be driving a Ford Explorer and we were both thankful for the large back area that always had a couple blankets in the back.

Most of the time we fooled around had to be in the SUV since we didn't have any chances when we were at one of our houses, so the SUV it was and we always had to get creative. Our normal haunts where we could get a modicum of privacy was in the parking lots of large businesses or rarely frequented parks (I'm sure many of us have been here doing just that).

And that is where this story starts. It was rather late in the afternoon in the middle of spring and quite warm. We had parked at a local park/playground and it was empty and devoid of life due to how hot it was and the time of day. Paula (my girlfriend's name though I've slightly altered it for privacy reasons) and I were listening to music in the Explorer and hanging out when she started to get a little warmed up.

We ended up in the back cargo area messing around. She had been snacking on a Mexican candy called tamarind. It is an acidic, spicy and rather thick and sticky candy that comes from a pod and is ground up to make a sticky paste. It was one of her favorites and she ate it a lot. She ended up getting this twinkle in her eye and looked at me with a dirty smile. She suggested that she give me a blowjob (which I was always up for) but wanted to do it with a sexy new (to us) twist of coating my cock in her tamarind candy which she would lick and suck off. She thought it was a "great" idea, and both my little and big heads didn't really think it through and agreed that it was in fact a "great" idea as well.

Now I may have been a small guy but the one area I was always able to have a bit of pride in and not feel self conscious about (going your whole young life always being one of the smallest and weakest you DO get self conscious about a lot of things) was the size of my manhood, I'm quite long and quite thick around. The reason for sharing this is to explain how much of her tamarind candy she had to use and just how much (very sensitive) skin was covered in this sticky stuff.

I stripped down and presented her with my cock, which she quickly got quite wet and then went to work applying the tamarind candy to my entire shaft and globing large amounts of it on my glans. She immediately proceeded to put her mouth around me and start sucking and licking it off with gusto, which I quite enjoyed and encouraged.

At first all was well, I was getting a blowjob and was doing something new and kinky (for me at the time) sexual activity. Her mouth was warm and her tongue was working overtime to not only please me but get the sticky paste off my johnson and down her throat.

A seemingly short time later her warm mouth was getting hotter as was my cock, and at first it was great and I didn't even think about it I just enjoyed it. It wasn't long before a little alarm started to sound in my head... her mouth and my cock was getting hotter and hotter and was starting to cause me concern.

Deciding not to say anything and try to ignore it so I didn't ruin the mood and interrupt her blowjob I just stayed silent. The problem was it didn't go away and it quickly built to an uncomfortable level, but again I stayed silent not wanting to end this. It seemed to switch in a matter of moments from unpleasantly hot to

holy shit this shit fucking BURNS!!!!

I ended up starting to yell and that is when Paula first noticed there was an issue. I ripped my cock from her mouth thinking that would cool things down. Nope.

At that point the burning was starting to feel like fire and I was stuck in the back cargo area with my shorts around my ankles and a sticky and red cock that felt like it had been dipped in acid as I started yelling and screaming my head off. I frantically crawled over the back seat opened the door and spilled out into the parking lot yelling about how much it burned with my shorts around my ankles trying to gain my feet and start running.

We didn't have any wet wipes, or water or anything to wash this fucking bane of my existence devil candy off of my cock, BUT lucky for me there was a public restroom and drinking fountain attached to the park and playground. I pulled my pants up to my knees at least and started hobbling/sprinting (hilariously comically I might add, I can only imagine the sight I painted to anyone who would have seen it) to the restroom and drinking fountain. I reached the restroom and went to rip open the door only to nearly wrench my arm from it's socket since the bathroom hadn't been opened yet and was locked tight.

I started looking around in a panic as the heat of the horrible devil candy was only getting worse and worse, it was like dipping your cock in a vat of battery acid and jalapeno juice and was completely dominating and clouding my thought process so I wasn't making the best of decisions.

Out of desperation and completely out of options I spy the drinking fountain, and lucky for me it was working! I stripped off my shorts and bare-assed whiter that white bread me stands and straddles the damn drinking fountain like a horse and mash the button down to start the stream of COLD ass water pouring out on my abused and still erect (how I was still hard I still to this day have no answer to) cock and yes that cold ass water was blessed relief as well as pain due to the ice like nature of the water.

So there I am nearly falling off straddling this drinking fountain furiously rubbing my cock in the freezing water with one hand while the other steadies myself and holds down the button to keep the water flowing. This whole time I am yelling and howling and making enough noise to wake the dead. All the while Paula had put herself together, climbed out of the back seat and was laughing so hard (the bitch!) that she fell out of the back seat of the SUV onto the parking lot ground and was rolling and howling maniacally in laughter at my plight and the sight of my cute little ass straddling the drinking fountain washing my cock off and nearly crying from the pain.

If there was one bit of good news that came out of all of this, it was that there was no one around to witness the embarrassing and ridiculous spectacle that I/we were putting on. No kids on the playground (would have made me a sex offender had that happened and I sure as hell didn't want to be labeled one) and no adults to freak out, and no cops to haul my ass to jail for public indecency.

Eventually things calmed down, I put myself together, pulled my shorts back on and made my way back to Paula while giving her a very dirty look for pointing and laughing in my desperate time of need and we left the park. I have had many blowjobs since, many were amazing and some were rather unpleasant or poor.

But that one blowjob will always remain as.... The. Worst. Blowjob. Ever.

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Hope you enjoyed and were laughing your ass off! I struggled to type this because I was laughing so hard myself recalling all of this. I hadn't thought about it or remembered it for years until today. I was reading "Down, Boy!" by Firebrain this morning and upon reaching the end heard her mention the dangers of giving a blowjob while having a breathstrip on your tongue and all of it came flooding back to me. I figured I could share it and give y'all a few laughs and make your day a bit better. It is also a cautionary tale about mixing food and sexual activities. For blowjobs I suggest sticking to whipped cream, maple syrup, honey, cake frosting/icing, peanut butter, chocolate sauce and last but not least ice cream (but only if it is in the giver's mouth and mostly melted, the temperature differences and sensations are fantastic!) for your licking and sucking enjoyment.