The War of the Midsection

The royal courier pounded on her chamber door; by order of the King he was to deliver a summons, an urgent message in the dark of the night. The courier breathed a sigh of relief as the door unlatched and swung open; the warrior that stood before him was a familiar and impressive sight.

The dashing cape-wearing woman mercenary was known only as Loola. She was famed throughout the realms for both her bravery and her public campaign demanding better armor for women. Female warriors, she argued, shouldn't have to march into battle wearing skimpy metal bikinis whilst their male counterparts were covered head to toe in iron plate and chainmail. The armorers, all male by profession, didn't share her concerns but they had reluctantly agreed to form a committee to investigate the metal bikini problem. Two years later they were yet to release any findings to the public.

The royal courier presented a rolled parchment. Loola broke the King's wax seal and hurriedly read the message; it was, as she suspected, a true emergency; the royal family was in desperate need.

When she arrived, the palace was in a state of upheaval. Lords and ladies, dukes and duchesses, were stuck together in noisy clumps, glued by some sticky web-like material. Soldiers worked to pry them apart on the lawn.

Queen Zinnia and Princess Petunia frantically shouted directions to a few royal guards; the guards carried ladders and chased after some kind of long armed animal that swung easily through the trees and howled loudly.

The King stood amidst a crowd of sticky advisors, barking orders. He stopped and ordered them away when he spotted the famed warrior approach.

Loola knelt before the King.

"Please rise." King Rudyard said. "The royal family has need of your service."

Loola stood. "Yes Your Highness, I am at your service, of course."

"Yes Loola, you have always been loyal and steadfast. I need your help now more than ever..." King gestured to the chaos. "That cursed witch did this! Sinestria Bloodhex. We were celebrating the royal wedding when she shows up and ruins everything!"

"What do you wish of me Your Highness?"

"My son, the Crown Prince, has been altered by Sinestria."

"Uh, you don't mean to say that animal up in the trees... that uh monkey..."

The King waved dismissively. "Gibbon actually, but never mind that. Sinestria has to be found, my court wizard believes that only she can undo it. Loola, I need to know where this witch makes her lair."

"Your Highness, I don't see how I can help... wouldn't your wizard be of more use divining her secret hideout?"

"This sorceress has taken precautions against magic, so we will need more conventional methods." He paused, grimacing. "I fear that Sinestria isn't through with her revenge yet. In fact, she's raising an army of bandits; Loola I need you to infiltrate them."

*********

As happened all too often, Loola felt terribly underdressed. She drew her blue cape around her shoulders trying to cover some of the skin left exposed by her skimpy armor. It was not what she had wanted at all. She had ordered a sturdy breastplate but the male armor smith had instead made two small ones linked together by a metal clasp and strapped on by flimsy leather bands that went around her shoulders and fastened at the back. He had also made each polished conical plate rise to a point, supposedly to deflect arrows. She was just as embarrassed about the bottom half of her suit of armor. It amounted to little more than chain mail pantalettes with a tiny triangle of shiny plate armor affixed to the front and rear.

Loola sighed and marched on into the congregation of mercenaries. Being a woman warrior was never easy.

Around the forest clearing there was a gathering, some men but mostly orcs; all were heavily armed. Their focus turned to the woman entering into the camp. Toward the center of the encampment was a man seated at a desk; to either side stood two very large orc guards.

Must be the man in charge, thought Loola. Before she could reach him, Loola was grabbed from behind. She wheeled about and a strong orc hand gripped a handful of fabric and yanked hard. The cape came loose, leaving Loola wearing only the skimpy metal bikini in front of all those leering eyes.

She tried to stay cool, tried to ignore the heat of her blushing skin and push past the brutes. Then a hand slapped her bottom hard; knocking her forward. Loola whirled around furiously: "Okay, who did that?" The orcs whistled and pointed at each other.

Then as she turned, two hands brazenly grabbed the waistband of her chain-mail pantalettes and jerked them all the way down to her knees! There were suddenly so many rough strong hands on her now bare skin: pinching her bottom, roaming across her thighs, fat orc fingers poked between her legs as she twisted to break free. Loola's eyes went wide with fear as she contemplated what would happen next. There were simply too many orcs to fight off; they had her arms and legs stretched out so they could grope her helpless body as she struggled.

Then, as often happened with orcs, a fight broke out. Loola fell on her back as two jealous orcs battled for the right to claim her. Loola knew the fight wouldn't last long so she scrambled to her feet, hoping to draw her sword whist they were distracted.

The biggest orc, who had quickly knocked the other unconscious and bit off his right ear, grabbed Loola's wrist before she could pull her sword free. She struggled with his grip and the orc shoved her backwards to the ground.

The big orc growled deeply and stepped astride Loola's hips; he bent forward with his slimy purple tongue hanging out of his mouth. Hot orc slobber dripped on her uncovered midriff as he eyed her hungrily.

Loola took advantage of the orc's distraction; she reached up quickly and gripped the beast's dangling tongue with both leather clad hands then tucked her knees into her chest and landed both feet in the orc's belly. Strong leg muscles flexed, she yanked the tongue and kicked hard, sending the beast flipping overhead.

The orc howled in pain and landed in a heap clutching its poor stretched out tongue. Loola sprang to her feet, yanked up her chain mail pantalettes and drew her sword. She dropped into a fighting stance, daring the other mercenaries.

"Hmm impressive... that's enough." The paymaster seated behind the desk motioned for her to step forward. "You're hired." He dipped his quill into an inkwell and looked up expectantly. "And so... what is your name miss?"

"Call me Loola." She relaxed and sheathed her blade. "Now when do I start?"

"Loola... hmm... alright..." The paymaster copied down her name on the scroll. "Sign here and here."

The paymaster stood and extended a hand. "Welcome to Bloodhex Family Enterprises. Um... it looks like you're the last... uh surviving recruit so let me get on with the orientation."

"Orientation?" Loola asked.

"Well of course." The paymaster proudly asserted. "We may be a group of cutthroats and malcontents but this organization takes great pride in our professionalism. An army is only as good as its members, after all, so we strive to keep our workforce motivated and focused. Here we emphasize attention to detail, self-improvement and..." He looked expectantly at a couple of the camp's Orcish guards. "And?"

The warriors grunted: "Ed-U-CA-Shun."

"That's right!" The paymaster proudly replied. "Education is critical for all of our members."

"Wait a second," Loola stiffened. "I didn't sign up to tutor some smelly orc; I thought we were going to war against the King."

"We will, we will. Don't get me wrong we can loot and pillage with the worst of them but this group has become so much more than a band of ruffians. Please let me show you an example; let me introduce you to perhaps the one member that I am proudest of. Drugguck?" The paymaster turned to his Orcish assistant. "Could you fetch Gruk for me, I would like him to meet the new recruits."

A couple minutes later the assistant came stomping back toward the paymaster with a beast that stood a couple heads taller trailing behind.

"Gruk here," The paymaster gestured to the hulking green-skinned ogre. "Came to us just three years ago, at the time all he knew how to do was smash his enemies with a club, but now he's found a new calling in life. He's the organization's head cook. Isn't that right Gruk?"

"Gruk cook heads last night!" The ogre wiped a huge callused hand across his sweaty brow. "No more heads, Gruk cook feet today!"

"No, you misunderstand me..." The paymaster said. "Sounds delicious by the way, but I meant that Gruk Blacktongue is our best chef and we're very proud of him." The man nodded at the shyly grinning ogre. "Yes we are, yes we are."

Loola never knew that ogres could blush, or that blushing ogres turned blue. It was heartwarming, disgusting.

Loola spent some time repairing her cape, all the while considering how she would find out the location of the witch; there was nothing to do but wait for the right opportunity. The paymaster must know Sinestria's location; she just needed to find a way.

*********

It was one week later when a messenger brought orders. The paymaster gathered the hundred or so mercenaries to give the good news. Bonfires lit up the night and took the chill off the air. Loola wrapped her newly repaired cape around her, and stood warily to the side, making sure none of the orcs or the few dangerous men were too close. The paymaster climbed atop his sturdy wooden desk and his gigantic bodyguards shouted for everyone's attention.

"If I might have everyone's attention, please. I now call to order the twenty-fifth meeting of the 15th mercenary company of Bloodhex Family Enterprises, currently under the command of Ms. Sinestria Bloodhex. I do have important orders regarding the upcoming war against the King but first I would like to get some of the camp's business out of the way." He looked to a huge orc with one yellow tusk protruding from the right corner of his mouth. "First thing's first, would Secretary Zugg read the minutes of last week's meeting?"

The orc had been panting like a dog; he wiped drool off his mouth with one filthy hand and then stood and held a rough scrap of leather in front of him. The paymaster nodded, proud as a parent, as the orc began to read.

"Pay-Maz-Ter call Meet-ting Or-Der!" The orc shouted, then panted loudly.

"Zugg read Min-Utz!"

"Pay-Maz-Ter Diz-miz Meet-ting!" Zugg clenched the parchment in one big fist and growled menacingly at the crowd.

The paymaster smiled proudly. "Very good Secretary Zugg. Your account of the last meeting does bring me back, almost like being there. This week's meeting may be even more exciting, for not only do we have new orders concerning the upcoming war but this is also the last meeting of the month, and you know what that means!"

The assembled rowdy warriors chanted: "A-Wardz, A-Wardz, A-Wardz..."

Loola thought this was her chance; all the mercenaries were attending the meeting, the paymaster's tent was completely unguarded. She waited until one of the paymaster's most anticipated moments, where he was about to announce the winner of the coveted Hooligan of the Month prize, then as all eyes were focused on the paymaster Loola slipped stealthily into the forest's edge.

Circling around, Loola sneaked toward the paymaster's tent. Inside, she found a collection of documents, including a map with the witch's tower marked in red. Loola memorized the map and left the camp quickly, her mission was nearly complete.

*********

Upon her return the King had a special reward made, he kept it in a box.

"Loola," King Rudyard beamed. "How can I begin to thank you? Finding the location of the witch's lair in less than a fortnight. You are a wonder!"

"Your Highness is very kind... I do my best."

"I am assembling an elite fighting force to take the battle to that little sorceress as we speak. My best soldiers and most noble knights are preparing to set out. Loola... I want you to go with them."

"It would be an honor to serve, Your Highness."

The King smiled. "I have been thinking about you Loola, I know that you have had many a disagreement with the armorers and I thought I would do something about it. I had my royal armory make a suit of armor just for you; armor suitable for a dignified and honorable woman warrior."

The king handed Loola a box, that didn't seem nearly big enough. Loola opened the top and picked up the armor.

"Light weight and strong!" The King said. "I would love to see you try it on."

Loola cringed. Though engraved in fancy patterns, it was even skimpier than the armor she currently wore. "Um... thank you Your Highness..."

"Loola, you look so pale, I hope you didn't come down with something. Let me call the royal physician. Just stay right here and rest... hmm maybe you shouldn't go on this expedition after all."

Loola placed the armor back in the box. "I think I'm going to be sick."