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The stories in the "Celebrity" section of Literotica are all fictional parodies - none are true, nor are they approved of by the celebrities named in the stories. Authors write these fictitious stories about famous people for the same reason that Larry Flynt made fun of Jerry Falwell, because they can. The Supreme Court of the United States, the country where this site is located, has ruled that parodies involving famous people are perfectly and totally legal under the United States Constitution. The specific case law on this was decided in the case of "Hustler Magazine, Inc. et al. v. Jerry Falwell" in 1988. No harm is intended toward the celebrities featured in these stories, but they are public figures and in being so, they must accept that they are fair target for parodies by the public. We believe in the first amendment, and more broadly, in the basic principle of free speech and this section may push the boundaries of that principle, but the United States Supreme Court has approved of this type of material. We believe that the Supreme Court was correct in their decision.
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"They don't make vampire movies like they used to," I sighed softly to myself. I felt a moment of nostalgia as I exited the theatre. I missed guys like Bela Lugosi. They knew how to portray a vampire!
The young woman I was followed from the movie turned down an alley. I followed quickly and caught up with her. I spun her around and was seriously tempted to say, 'I vant to suck your blood.'
I'd never actually used the line because I was afraid my prey would burst into laughter, or worse, I would. I did try hiding my fangs in the crux of my elbow for a while, but quickly stopped after I lost my quarry once. This cute little blond jostled my elbow by accident and my arm blocked my eyes. She scampered away and I was too embarrassed to chase her.
Now I just went for the simple approach. I made eye contact, put them in a trance and fed. Not all that flashy, I know, but it did the trick. I smiled slightly as I met my latest victim's gaze. I could normally transfix a woman in moments. It came from long years of practice.
"Look into my eyes," I said in my most mesmerizing voice. Okay, so I did steal one line. I couldn't help it. I really liked the sound of it. Unfortunately, the young woman refused to comply.
"Oh please!" she said with a roll of her eyes. I sighed. This was going to be one of those nights. "Mister, you've got to be kidding! Bela Lugosi died almost fifty years ago and although I'm sure he'd appreciate your dedication to his version of the Dracula myth, don't you think it's a bit outdated?" I fought hard not to grit my teeth because that could be very dangerous with bicuspids like mine.
I reached out and grasped the young woman's jaw, forcing her to make eye contact. She didn't really fight me at first. She sighed loudly and acted like she was just humoring me. It was a little embarrassing, but so be it. It's not like there was a crowd watching. As soon as her eyes met mine, I smiled. It would get easier now, or so I thought.
She started falling into a trance as I worked my old black magic on her. I was impatient because I was hungry, but centuries of experience forced me to take my time. She was nearing the point where my control would be strong enough to allow me to feed when she made a sudden motion with one hand and water sprayed toward my face. Only my vampire enhanced reflexes allowed me to get my arm up in time to block my eyes and the bulk of my face. The burning started.
I immediately knew what she threw at me from the intensity of the pain. Only holy water could burn so quickly and cruelly! My forearm was blistering, so was a small patch of skin on my cheek. The rest of the dreaded fluid had doused my clothes.
"Oh shit!" I cried as I quickly reached for my shirt. I could already feel the sting as the holy water absorbed into it. I ripped the cloth away from my body and threw it on the ground. "You bitch! That was my favorite shirt!"
"Wow!" the young woman said, looking at me. "You keep in great shape for a dead guy." I glared at her, but she seemed unimpressed. I shook my head and turned to walk away. Tonight was a lost cause. I wasn't going to feed on this woman. She was crazy. I was hungry, but not that hungry!
"No you don't!" the young woman cried, pulling out a large silver cross. Okay, maybe it wasn't that large, but this was one of those cases where size doesn't matter. Really.
I bared my teeth, hissed and fell backwards. I had no intention of letting her touch me with that thing! It was like being branded with a hot iron!
"Nice teeth," she smiled.
"Who the hell are you?" I asked with a frown. "And do you always walk around with holy water and a cross?"
"I'm Buffy," the blonde smiled. "And yes, that precisely what I do. Sometimes, I even bring a sword or crossbow. Of course, my personal favorite is always with me. Meet Mr. Pointy." She produced a small wooden stake. Actually it looked more like a wooden knife.
"You're kidding right?" I asked despite the evidence.
"Not at all," she replied, flipping the stake in her hand confidently.
"Young lady, I may be old, but I still keep in touch with the real world," I said, watching her carefully for sudden moves. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer was a decent television show and a barely passable movie. You're not trying to tell me it was based on fact?"
"Why is that so hard to believe?" she shrugged. "You're a vampire. I'm the Slayer. It's simple really."
"But you don't even look like either of the actresses who played the part," I said. I knew it was a stupid statement, but I was just stalling, trying to gather my thoughts. She was obviously offended by my comment. I could understand considering that she was not nearly as small as either of the actresses or anywhere near as pretty. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't ugly or even plain. She just wasn't the Hollywood actress type.
"You're not Angel either! Or even Spike for that matter!" she snapped, and then added a little more calmly, "And your face still looked pretty ordinary to me when you were about to feed on me." I smiled despite myself.
I enjoyed watching the actors 'vamp out' on the television show, but it always struck me as a little far-fetched. Could you imagine the pain that kind of a transformation would cause every time it happened? Of course, it was still pretty cool. It might even have been useful if it were real.
"Touché," I said.
"So, what's your name?" she asked, and then added before I could answer, "Mind you, I don't really care, but it would be rude to kill you now without knowing. I mean, don't you think we're passed the simple kill phase?"
"Certainly," I said planting a fake smile on my face. If this deluded girl wanted to talk instead of trying to kill me for another few moments, who was I to argue?
"Your name?" she prompted.
"My friends call me Vlad," I answered, allowing the innate sex appeal of my kind to flow across the gap between us.
"I'm not one of your friends," she said with a shake of her head.
"Why not?" I asked, smiling seductively. "It seemed to work for Buffy and Angel on the television."
"Vlad, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you if you don't stop trying to play with my mind," she said, looking rather scary as she glared at me with Mr. Pointy in her hand. "I mean sooner, rather than later. You're going to die tonight anyway."
She sounded completely confident in her prediction. I wasn't so sure, but the truth was that I wasn't really a particularly violent vampire. Those kinds seldom lasted. Some village or group of vigilantes always hunted them down and killed them. I found out the hard way early on that it paid to remain anonymous.
"So, is your real name Buffy?" I asked, refraining from trying to take control of her mind. She smiled.
"That's better," she said, relaxing slightly, but not nearly enough for my comfort. She used one hand to crack her neck. She did it by grabbing her own chin and twisting her head until I heard a low crack. It wasn't a pleasant sound. Truthfully, it was even a bit intimidating. She turned her head the other way and cracked her neck again as she answered, "My real name is Beatrice, but I thought it inappropriate for a Vampire slayer. It means 'bringer of joy'. So, I changed it to Vacuna when I first became the Slayer."
"Vacuna the Vampire Slayer," I smiled. She fought off a grin of her own.
"I know, I know," she sighed. "But I was young and it means 'Victory'."
"Why are you using Buffy now? Doesn't it mean 'Small Rodent'?" I asked.
"'Little Rabbit' actually," she grinned. "I only started using it the last few years. You'd be amazed at how many vampires recognize the name. It saves time." I nodded in understanding.
"Thinking about changing it again any time soon?" I asked inanely. I was still trying to figure a way out of this mess without resorting to violence. It didn't help that my stomach was growling.
"I probably will," she sighed again. "But the truth is I can't find a name that doesn't sound silly with the suffix 'the Vampire Slayer'."
"How come I've never heard of the Slayer until the movie came out?" I asked, this time honestly curious. "I mean I've been around for centuries, you would think I would have heard." I wasn't being completely honest. I'd heard rumors over the years, but I'd always thought they were silly.
"Please, don't remind me!" she groaned. "The Watcher's council still hasn't forgiven me for letting the proverbial 'cat out of the bag'."
