The Missionary's Position

It was a very pleasant day in a large but rather quaint neighborhood. Spring, after a quick tease, had stepped in fully: the temperatures were warm, but not sweltering. Flowers were beginning to grow. Children were running about in the street, playing tag and poking ant hills. Men and women were talking long walks or reading on their porches. The newspaper predicted a light, cool, welcome shower that evening. It was, overall, a rather perfect Saturday.

Which is why, in one particular house, with a large group of cars parked in the driveway, the doors were shut and locked tightly, and the windows drawn.

"Everyone get ready!" The director called out. "Remember your places, people... Tiffany, darling," he snapped at a woman walking past him.

"What?"

"Tiffany, this time, could you try to be a little more... natural?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, well, you're an actress, right? The faces you make and the noises all seem so... so fake. You don't have to fake an orgasm, sweetie."

She hesitated. "If I have to have a dildo up my ass, I want Bradley to eat me out too."

The director thought about it for a moment, then extended his hand. "You have yourself a deal."

She continued on her merry way. The director leaned back. No one was fully naked yet—all in their sexy lingerie or undies, or fully dressed, keeping their sexy unveiling for the camera. One man stood out, totally hairy amongst the shaven, and sporting nothing but a pair of pink, silky panties.

"Hey... hey, guy, hey..." The director called to him.

"...yes?" The man walked over to the director's chair.

"Uh, yea, uhm... I don't remember you. Who are you?"

"I... I heard there was an orgy happening here, and I..."

"Well, yea, but this is the best kind of orgy. All these people here... they're getting paid to be here and fuck each other's brains out."

"R-r-really?"

"Yea. And here's the thing. I don't remember hiring you."

The man looked at him. His erection, sticking out of the panties, was small and unimpressive. "I... I'll do it for free." The man said rather meekly, shifting his lips so his mustache moved.

"...Panty fetish, huh? Well... maybe we can use you. Do you mind getting pounded up your shithole?"

"...yes."

"Never mind. Get out of here."

"But I don't remember where the rest of my clothes went-!"

"Not my problem. Go now. Oh, hey, Jake! Jake and Rebecca! What are you two arguing about?" Rebecca rushed over, Jake following miserably behind her. "Is this about the oral sex thing again? Still choking?"

Jake nodded.

"Look, it's not nice to make people choke."

"I can't help," Rebecca chimed in, "that he can't deep throat my two foot cock! I want to be balls deep in his mouth!"

"It's too much!" Jake cried out.

"Rebecca, honey, don't you think you can tone it down with the strap on sizes?"

"Absolutely not. I am hung like a horse, goddamn you!"

"Fine, fine. Look, Jake, you're gonna have to get better at sucking some plastic dick. Take... go find Shelley. She can teach you a few things."

"...fine." Jake sighed, and Rebecca, looking triumphant, walked over to get her hair fixed up. The director checked his watch. It was only a few more minutes until they started. Hurriedly he began yelling reminders at everyone before they started.

"Joe... Joe! No fecal fetishes anymore or you're fired. Also, no watersports this time, either."

"Not even on the tits?"

"Not even on the tits. Joe. We're not making that kind of movie this time. Pete! Pete, look, if two men try to have their way with you, let them. We all know what your asshole is capable of, and we're proud of you. Flora? Candice? You're the best lesbian couple we have, but could you please focus on each other's breasts some more?"

"I can't help all I have to grab onto is silicone!"

"We all fake it till we make it in this business one way or the other, girls. Wallace? Wallace, please, no telling a woman's vagina to 'cum kitty kitty'. It's really weird, dude. Really strange."

"But I—"

"Also, if you're gonna eat a woman out, please don't call it 'licking the grease off the Taco Bell taco.' No one... no one gets you, man. She had a right to kick you in the face. Just stop with the cheesiness."

"But... but..." Wallace suddenly looked very sad, as if his whole life had just been a dream of saying weird shit in porn movies, and that dream had suddenly been crushed. Even if he could do pornos, it just wouldn't be the same...

"No, man. Anyway... anyway... quiet! QUIET!" He stood up. Everyone did as they were told and looked at him. "Alright, people. Remember what I told everyone, and let's have the best orgy possible. Everyone have their lube and sex toys with them?" Various dildos, vibrators, and anal beads were waved into the air. "Great. Now, places everyone...!" There was a great shuffling as the cameraman began to adjust his camera. "...ready... action!"

The director had it timed. The story was a lone man, jacking off in his bed, when his friend entered. A little shocked, but not too much so that he couldn't help his friend out through this time of need. Then a woman would come in, horny by the sight of it, and they'd help her... and then another would come in... and another...

The whole plot revolved around a man who forgot to lock his door while masturbating. He'd just had a girlfriend who'd broken up with him or something over some dumb shit... who cared? No one watched this shit for the plot.

Soon, twelve people were up on the set, fucking and getting fucked in all their glorious and animalistic splendor. There were more to come. The director leaned back in his chair, watching as the actors did whatever felt most natural (within, of course, a few boundaries). He sought to make fun, natural, couple-friendly porn, something that just about anyone could watch and have something turn them on.

Making porn, he thought, watching as one woman road on a cock while sucking a man off, was not just about writing a script or hiring the right actors to make your fantasy take place. Anyone could do that. That shut people out. Turned them off. There was a lot of bad porn in the world. He wanted to make good porn. And that was a high art.

Just then, startling everyone (except for Jerry, who was cumming by the gallon, and Martha, who was writhing against a man's tongue), was a knock on the door.

"Who the fuck—alright, guys, pull out of each other. Pull out, I said."

There was a loud "awwwwwe" from the crew, but they did as they were told. The men put on cock rings, holding their boners in place.

"I know, I know... no one invited an outsider, did they?"

"That guy in the panties was my cousin!"

"Yeah but we got—YOUR COUSIN? Sick, dude! That's... that's pretty gross. I mean, I'm a porn director, and I don't kinkshame, but damn."

"I mean... he doesn't have anybody in his life so I thought—"

"Anyway," the porn director, clearly disgusted, cleared his throat and talked over the actor, "hold your places everyone. We got a lot of great shots and everyone was doing wonderfully; for now we just have to take care of this person at the door. Once we get rid of him, we can continue." The porn director hopped out of his seat and walked over to the door. Slowly, he looked into the peephole.

A young man was standing outside, holding a rather large book. The director, attempting to tidy himself up, and making sure his actors were hidden from view, opened the door.

"...Hello?"

"Hello!" The young man smiled and nodded. "I work for the church about a block from here. I was just wondering... have you heard the Good News of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?"

The director's jaw slacked. "...who?"

"Jesus! God's only Son, sacrificed on the cross so that we could all be born again!"

The director furrowed his brow, and turned around, making certain that his crew was still hidden from sight, before turning back around. "Sacrificed on the cross? So we could be... what did you say, born again?"

"Yes sir. Have you..." the stranger looked at the man in wonder. "Have you really never heard the story of Jesus?"

"Was he some sort of actor I should know about? I don't really watch a lot of today's movies except for—"

"You really... wow." The man smiled to himself, gripping his book. "I never... I never thought I'd get this far. I've been going door to door, and people have just been shutting it in my face, but you... but how could you not know about Jesus? What... don't you celebrate Easter or Christmas?"

The director didn't much care for Easter, but Christmas... well, he'd done a scene of Santa and a rather naughty woman before. That had been a good scene. Well shot with nice lighting.

"May I..." the young man looked hopeful, "may I enter your home and tell you the story of Jesus?"

"Uh... now's not a very good time. This Jesus guy, you could just give me a link to his album or something..."

The man chuckled. "He doesn't make music. He's the music," the man touched his own chest and closed his eyes, "in my soul."

"So he's your lover?"

The man's eyes opened wide. "WHAT?"

"Look, if this is about gay or queer rights, I fully support you guys... more than you'd probably think, in fact. If you want me to fill out some survey or something, you can just give it to me and I'll send it over to where you need me to."

"No, no! Jesus doesn't want... gayness is... hmm." The stranger now appeared rather troubled. The director leaned against the doorframe, knowing he ought to get back to filming, because his actors would start to get impatient, but there was something about this kid...

"This Jesus guy... what's he about?"

"He... well, He was born of a virgin."

"Oh, so that whole sperm freezing thing. I used to have to do that when I was younger—"

"No sir! This was two thousand years ago."

"Two thousand-!" The director remembered a porno he'd shot more recently, about a young woman exploring an ancient jungle land and meeting ancient warrior men. She'd... she'd certainly done some exploring, she had. "Wait, but how was He born of a virgin then?"

"I... Could I come in?"

The man sighed.

"Crew! Crew! Halt... halt filming!"

There came another loud "awwwwe" from the crew.

"Aw, can it guys! Men, take off your cock rings and sit down on the couch. We have a visitor."

"A visitor? Why's he coming in?"

"He's going to tell us a story. I think it's giving me a new idea for another movie... say, no one's taken this Jesus story and made a movie out of it, have they?" The director motioned for Lucas to come into the house.

"Well, yeah, they have before."

"Damn. Well, I'll just make mine better than theirs. Anyway, come in. Say, what's your name, kid?"

"Lucas. My name is Lucas Cander, and I'm so excited to be sharing my faith with—" Lucas, stepping into the living room, looked around, and blinked, wide eyed. "—with... with you." He finished. He had a grin stuck on his face, and was looking, nervously, as all the round tits and hard cocks everywhere in the room. Every time he tried to look away from one woman's boobs, he'd see a man's hard dick, and when he looked away from that, it was another set of boobs.

Lucas, his eyes very wide, finally looked toward the white wall. There, of course, was a painting of a nude woman hanging on it. He waved his hand. "Hello everyone." His voice was somewhat meek.

"Hey!" Everyone murmured.

"Oh, shit, we had our orgy interrupted for this bastard?"

Lucas blinked a few times. Orgy? They were having... group sex, then? In this very room? Which is why, he supposed, they were all naked and showing signs of arousal.

Huh.

"Look, look," the director chimed in, stepping in front of Lucas's blank grin, "this guy's name is Lucas. He has this story that I think everyone is going to find really interesting. Lucas, sit down on the couch with that book of yours and tell everyone!"

Lucas looked over. The only space left on the large couch was between two men, their shlongs long and hard still, and they were looking at Lucas... dare he think it... flirtatiously. Lucas swallowed, his smile leaving him finally, as he came between them, and after a few moments, sat down.

The seat, he noticed, was extremely damp. Lucas shifted in it slightly, accidentally bumping into the man's leg beside him. The man raised his eyebrows. No, the man did not look flirtatious. He looked annoyed. Lucas gave a small, unhappy laugh before coughing into his fist.

"Jesus Christ... right! Right!" Lucas began, trying to get back on track to what the church has trained him to do. Sit in front of a family and tell them about salvation. Easy. Except this was no family. This was a group of people who were sodomizing themselves. There was a big difference.

But then again, so what if they had been? They needed Jesus, just like everyone else did. Probably more so. Yea. This was important work. Lucas swallowed again, the lump in his throat leaving.

"What about Jesus?"

"I... right! I... ok, ok, so... alright. First of all, who here has heard the story of Jesus Christ or... or grew up in a religious background?"

A few people looked to each other. One man and one woman raised their hands.

"Oh, ok, so what did your family teach you about—"

"Uh, no, we just... we've had butt plugs in for a while now and we forgot to take them out. Can we do that now?"

"Butt... butt plugs?"

"Yea. They're great for when you're fucking and you just want some pressure on your prostate, and it's even better when she's wearing one too, because then you can feel it inside her, and—"

"OK, OK, I—I get it. Just, take it out already!"

The pair lifted themselves up, pulled at a ring, and took it out. It looked to Lucas like a plastic replica of some ancient Stone Age tool. Except that it went inside the anal cavity.

One woman raised her hand. She had huge, perfectly rounded breasts. Lucas found himself a bit captivated by them. He tried to look at her face. He had a difficult time. "Ma'am... you're... you're free to speak, or pull out anything you might have in your orifices."

"I, well, I grew up as a Catholic, but we were never very observant. All I remember is that God made the world in seven days, and Jesus died on a cross, and that's it."

"Six days."

"Excuse me?"

"Well... The Lord created the Universe in six days. On the seventh day, He rested, giving us an example to do the same. So even though we should all work hard, we should also rest."

"You hear that?" A woman called, "Give us a rest sometime! When I say my cunt can't handle no more, I mean it!"

"That's why you switch to your asshole!" The director called back to her. "You wanna be in this business, be in this business." He turned to Lucas, "Now, listen, uh... when are we gonna get to this Jesus guy?"

"I... uhm..." Lucas sat for a moment, shifting again in his seat. The man's penis to the left was now only half erect, while the one on the right had gone fully flaccid. But the man on the left was looking at Lucas, and Lucas smiled back, when he realized that the man was looking at the tent that had formed in Lucas's pants. Lucas used his Bible to cover himself, but it proved futile.

"So? Come on, get to the Jesus guy!"

"I...!" Lucas tried to ignore his stiff member. "Well, you see... Jesus, uh, He, uhm— alright. Alright, I'll tell you the story. Jesus... well, He... uhm... well... I... I..."

Lucas stood up.

"What are you doing?" The director asked.

"I'm taking off my clothes. You're all naked, and you'll have to excuse me... I've never been around... this many..."

"What's your body count, kiddo?"

"...I've never killed anybody." Lucas said dumbly, careful to place his Bible on the coffee table away from the dildos and lube.

They all laughed at him.

"It's just that... well, when in Rome..." Lucas now was stripped to only his tighty whities. He sat down again, and carefully placed the Bible in his lap. "Alright. Alright, I... OK. We're all naked, the way God made us to be. Alright. Cool. Alright."

"Will you just tell us the story of Jesus already?"

"Certainly!" Lucas nodded, his breath heavy. He felt comfortable now. Comfortable and stupid. He was probably sinning, somehow or another, but he had to get this message across. These people needed Christ in their lives! "Jesus... well, I'll start from the beginning. See, Jesus was God's Son. He was born of a virgin named Mary, who gracefully—"

"So God shacked up with Mary? How is she a virgin then?"

"No! The Lord did not have intercourse with Mary. Mary simply... conceived Him, without any penetration."

There was a quiet, interesting "oooh!" from the group. "How'd that happen?"

"It was a miracle! There is no explanation for it; just that the Lord willed it to be!"

"Sucks for her."

"What?"

"Well..." the woman looked around, "I mean, I got my tubes tied, and I have sex for a living. This poor girl didn't even get the chance to do the deed and she STILL ended up getting pregnant! That must have sucked! Didn't have the chance to get her tubes tied or birth control or... didn't know it was coming!"

"No! No! The point is that she was blessed! She... it was a good thing. God chose her, and blessed her."

"So... she liked being pregnant?"

"Well... I... I think so. Anyway... Mary and her husband Joseph went off to Nazareth, where the inns were full, and then she—"

"Wait a minute! Wait a fucking minute!" One man exclaimed. "Mary was married? Look here. If I was dating someone, and we hadn't had sex yet, and our relationship is going all smooth—and then one day, out of nowhere, she comes over, and tells me she's pregnant! But not to worry, because she's a virgin, and it's God's baby anyway? Why the fuck would I believe that? How could I believe it? I would've left her."

"Well..." Lucas thought a moment. "I... Joseph... had the same thoughts you did. He doubted Mary, but God told him she was telling the truth in a dream."

"So he had a dream that she was telling the truth?"

"...yea."

"And THEN he decided to believe it?"

"...yea." Lucas looked at the floor.

"...he was either really gullible, or the dream must've been really good. Keep going."

"Oh, thank God!" Lucas breathed a sigh of relief. "Anyway, Jesus was born..." He was born in a manger, in fact, but Lucas didn't find that very important right now. Mainly because he didn't want to hear any further comments. "And then, when He became older, he went out into the world and chose twelve men to follow him—they became the Twelve Disciples."

"The Twelve Disciples... so, what, they just followed Jesus around everywhere while He talked?"

"Well..." Lucas thought about it a moment. "Basically."

There was a moan from the crowd, but one of the women said, "Look here, now, maybe Jesus talked about some really cool stuff! Like... like..." Lucas braced himself for a sexual reference, when instead: "Like the dynamics of an African lion pack, in which the lioness is the true defender of the pack!"

Lucas blinked several times. He realized she was wearing a rather long strap on. "I... well. No. Actually."

"Did He talk about how the mitochondria was the powerhouse of the cell?"

Everyone looked at the man on the end of the couch.

"Did we really need to use that joke again?"

"I'm not joking! Maybe Jesus was the first guy to say it, and that's how it got spread around! Maybe that's what makes this Jesus guy so great!"

"Actually, no, I don't... there's no record of Him saying that. See, the reason Jesus is so important, and the reason we need Him in our lives so much is because... He died for our sins."

There was a hush that swept over the group.

"He... Jesus died?"

"Yes. He was brutally executed by the Romans. They nailed his hands and feet to a cross. They placed a crown of thorns on His head so He would bleed out. They beat Him, stabbed Him, until He died a long, slow, and painful death, even though He'd never done anything wrong... He was executed with those that had."