The Mermaid And The Octopus

Let me tell you a tale about an octopus, otherwise known as a professor, and a mermaid, otherwise known as a student.

The mermaid had taken two classes from this professor. It had gone well enough during the first class. She got to know him by the end of the first quarter. Well, she thought she got to know him.

By the second class, she thought to herself, "AHA! How nice that he is such a kind person. Gee, maybe he can help me navigate my way through the maze otherwise known as the world of law. PERFECT!! After all he is my professor. He even seems to want to guide me through the murky waters ahead. How nice of him...."

Well, it turns out this nice professor was an octopus who's tentacles had a way of wandering where they shouldn't.

When it first happened the mermaid thought to herself, "HHMMM, that's most peculiar, must have been a mistake. There is no possible way my favorite octopus, otherwise known as my professor, could have meant to brush his hands against my ass. And I know he definitely didn't mean to brush his crotch so closely to my ass that I could feel the fishing pole that he keeps in his pocket."

When it happened a second time, well, she quickly cut off access to said octopus. Why upset the Marine Conservation Society by making calamari out of said octopus? She decided to just stay away and leave well enough alone.

It was tough for the mermaid. Law is a funny thing. It's hard, confusing and difficult, especially if you don't often swim in those murky waters. Dangerous waters, the law is, full of sharks, and octopus and other creepy crawly sea creatures.

The mermaid had just one other friend who was knee deep in the waters known as the law. Well, he wasn't just knee deep in it. He was actually also trying to keep his own head above water most of the time. He really couldn't help the mermaid much (no fault of his own), so this pretty much left her swimming on her own, and feeling as if she wasn't going to make it to the other side of the vast ocean.

Well, feeling as if one is all alone is difficult. It's hard to navigate blindly. It's probably what caused this mermaid to take the octopus' next hook line and sinker. Or was it his whopper of a whale tale? No matter. It seems as if this octopus had an affinity for lunch. One day he invited the mermaid to lunch.

"HHHMMM" thought the mermaid, "Should I trust him? Can I trust him? What if his tentacles go astray?"

She continued to debate, to wonder all on her own. As I mentioned, she really didn't have too many other sailors she could ask for navigation advice.

She continued to tread the dangerous waters all on her own. She soon grew tired and decided she ought to take the risk of going to lunch with the octopus, otherwise known as her professor. If it worked out she wouldn't have to carry such a big burden all on her own. If she was wrong she figured she could handle the tentacles on her own. She did it once before she could do it again and come out unscathed. Or so she thought. You could say our mermaid was a bit of an optimist. HA! She would learn soon enough....

It seems as if the octopus was a vegetarian. He told her about this lovely little restaurant that had a great vegetarian burger.

"Why, as a matter of fact it's even located right across the street from the beautiful aquarium in which I swim." he said.

Imagine that! How fortunate for our octopus and mermaid. He told her to meet him at the restaurant. It made her feel a bit better. I mean, what could go wrong in such a public and crowded location?

Turns out this restaurant was truly charming, but very dimly lit. They sat at a small little booth way in the corner. She really should have known where this was headed when he sat on her side of the booth.

As you can probably imagine (since I am the one telling this tale) our little excursion into the murky waters also known as lunch didn't go as well as our mermaid had hoped it would. It actually ended quite miserably.

Our octopus thought he would try just one more time and see if his tentacles landed on the appendage they so desperately sought.

They ever so lightly caressed her knee and oh so gently went up her thigh. Our mermaid almost choked on her peanuts when she realized what was happening. This time the mermaid decided it was time to be a bit more forceful and clear. She had to convey once and for all that she wasn't interested.

"I'M NOT INTO SEA CREATURES." She told him. "I DON'T LIKE CALAMARI. SO PLEASE STOP." She pleaded, "I thought you wanted to help me, to mentor me, to help guide me through the waters known as the law."

"Ha ha... Is that what you thought, my pretty little mermaid?! Tis not your constant questions and mind that I'm interested in. I like those lovely little mounds you hide so well behind those beautiful seashells. And let's not forget that gorgeous bottom of yours..." laughed the evil octopus.

Well, maybe he didn't laugh evilly, but that doesn't mean he was nice.

He very kindly said he understood that she didn't like calamari. However, it must have upset him because he decided he would teach her a lesson she would never forget.

He noticed a group of guys sitting in the corner of the lovely restaurant. One of them happened to be his tennis buddy, ooops.... I meant one of them also happened to be a fellow octopus, a friend of his. Imagine that! What are the odds?!

"You don't mind if I join my fellow octopi buddies over there, do you? You can finish up on your own...You understand, don't you?" he said.

I guess our octopus figured he'd cut bait as soon as he figured out his appendages weren't going to land where he wanted them to.

"Why waste anymore of my precious time?" he thought.

The octopus stood and looked down length of his lovely chiseled nose at our little mermaid and said, "I don't really have time to mentor or help a silly mermaid navigate through dark and stormy waters. I'm a very busy attorney who's time is precious and not to be wasted in situations where I'm not going to get anything out of it. I bill at $450 an hour. Did you really think I was going to waste my time on you without getting a taste of that gorgeous bottom of yours?"

Truth be told (because I would never lie to you my dear reader) he didn't quite use those exact words. He might have left out the teeny tiny part about his billing rate...... He was a gentleman, after all. Enough to say our mermaid finally understood where this was headed.

The little mermaid looked up at his handsome face, his dark and stormy eyes and gorgeous full head of dark hair and thought to herself, "Is this what happens on a lunch date when you don't take an octopus into the restroom stall between the appetizer and the main course?"

And so he did. He swam right over to his fellow octopi and left her sitting at the table all on her own. Like a fool, like a fish out of water just gulping for air.

As I mentioned, our octopus was a true gentleman. He left her $50 before he swam away.

"To cover the bill", he said haughtily as he threw the money on the table.

Or was it to make her understand that she was just a cheap date that he could buy? No matter - it made her feel exactly that. She sat staring at the money he'd flung on the table. She quickly blushed a deep shade of red as she fiddled with her napkin, her appetite most definitely now gone.

The other creepy crawly sea creatures hanging out in the restaurant just stared at the pretty little mermaid who sat rooted to her seat, otherwise known as the coral reef. She didn't quite know what to think, what to do, what to say. The one thing she knew was that sitting there, rooted to the coral reef, as she watched the octopus, otherwise known as her professor, and his fellow octopi sitting at their table laughing, was SO not where she wanted to be on a nice and sunny Friday afternoon.