"Hey JB do you have a minute? There's something I need to run by you."
"Sure Jack, come on in and have a seat."
"Thanks. I'm wondering if I'm in over my head on this project. You know that this is the first time I've been a brand manager since I joined the company. It's been a tough climb to this position. I've been stumped because Klensall is a mature product; it's been around so long that my mother used it when she was a teenager. Hell, for all I know, my grandmother used it too. I know the company picked up the product when they acquired Cosel. But the acquisition was for the cosmetic line, which was where the real money was. All those teenagers buying makeup supposedly worn by long-legged lanky supermodels. Give me a break, have you ever seen anyone's daughter that looks like those women?"
"Yeah, I know. I've got two girls at home both trying to dress and look like they're ten years older than they really are. Marie keeps saying that maybe we ought to look into picking up a couple of chastity belts, if someone still makes them."
"I'm a little envious that you've even got such problems. Jill and I are facing some kind of fertility problem. We've been trying our damnedest for the past two years and we can't get the sperm and egg to properly hook up. The docs don't see anything wrong. My swimmers are plentiful and active, at least in a petri dish; and Jill seems to be ovulating normally. I think it was her gynecologist that said it could all be stress related. Well, I can attest to the fact that both of us are under lots of stress. But hell, what are we supposed to do, take a sabbatical? I mean let's get real now!"
"Well maybe the least you can do is take off for a couple of weeks together and go somewhere relaxing. When you get there, fuck like bunnies!"
"We're trying to do just that, but I've got to get some kind of marketing campaign off the ground first. I've been trying to figure how to increase the visibility of this product. As you know from the stint that you spent in the feminine hygiene group, it's pretty difficult for a man to come up with new ways to market these things."
"I know what you mean, but the reality is that you're being tested. If you can come through and even increase sales by 5%, you're looked upon as a rising star. It's management's throw 'em to the wolves theory. They think that if you can boost product sales in an area that you have no familiarity with and furthermore couldn't care less about, then you're a candidate for senior management. Hell, Sarah Young started off eight years ago in camping equipment. I don't think she's ever spent a single night in her entire life outdoors sleeping in a tent, only the finest percale sheets for her fair skin! She logged a 10 percent increase in sales within fifteen months and now she's a division VP."
"Hell JB, I know their thinking behind this and I've been wracking my brain to figure out a way to expand the use of this product. I even went back into the archives of the division to see how the product was developed and originally marketed. Do you know that the formula was originally purchased from a Cleveland pharmacist back in 1934? It seems as though the cosmetics company that we bought a couple of years ago was trying to get into the patent medicine game. Well it wasn't too many years later that the Food and Drug Administration was given the authority to put all the quack medicine peddlers out of business. So the company was left with barrels of this gooey stuff that they didn't know what to do with. Apparently an enterprising chemist at the company figured out that this combination of saponified fats and oils, a touch of alkali, and a couple of essential fragrances might make a good make-up remover. Well, not only did it work great but it was a natural fit with their existing product lines and got them off the hook with the FDA. It was a pretty profitable item as well. Seventy percent of that little eight-ounce jar is just water. The rest of the ingredients costs about eight cents or so based on bulk purchasing. You've got some packaging costs, distribution, and of course advertising. Even when you figure all that stuff in, we're making a real good profit on every jar. The real issue is expanding sales. Just because you can make a dollar per unit, you need to sell a lot of units to make any impact on the company's bottom line!"
"Jack, I know that feeling all to well. Two years ago, I was in the detergent division and talk about competitive. Not only was I competing against Lever and P&G, but I was competing against three other brands that we're marketing. I figured the way to move this one was to focus on men who do laundry. There are a significant number of men out there that are single and do wash their own clothes. I came up with a campaign to target this demographic group. The TV ad program ran only on sports events. Heck, we even got a former Heisman trophy winner to do a spot for us during the Super Bowl! I hit the men's magazines pretty hard too. Within the year we had captured over half of the male under 30 market! It was a big enough capture to increase sales 6 percent. When you consider the size of the market and the competition, it was a real coup. I got moved up and out with a nice bonus for the effort. What you need to do Jack is find a hook."
"That's why I'm here JB, I think I've found the hook. I'm just not sure how to use it. Here, take a look at this letter. It came to my attention yesterday. When I first read it I couldn't believe what I was reading."
"Holy shit Jack! This is really quite a hook if you use it properly. I think you're going to need a little more assistance on this project. In particular, we'll need a woman on this one... Janice, call Lucille Moore and see if she's free to join us for a meeting. Yes, I need her right now if she is available. Thanks... Jack, there are some subtleties here that we need to be careful about. You know the company is pretty conservative and it may be that this all falls apart in the end, but hell, let's give it a shot. Hi Luce, thanks for joining us."
"Hi guys, what's up?"
"Well Jack here has a hook on how to increase the market share for Klensall. However, as Jack will describe in a moment, this will require some tact. Before we get any further into this I want to make it clear that this conversation and any follow up stays between the three of us. Is that O.K. with each of you?"
"It's fine with me JB, go ahead Jack."
"O.K. Luce. I've already gone over some of this with JB. I received a letter yesterday from a woman in Milwaukee who has discovered an intriguing use for Klensall. It also solves a very interesting sexual problem that has concerned women for quite some time. Now I'm not presupposing that this is one of your problems, but I sure as hell know that it has given me pause on occasion. Anyway, this woman writes about the reluctance of her boyfriend, who apparently doesn't like to go down on her; she uses a more graphic term in the letter. It seems that it isn't the usual issue that's common when this comes up, that she tastes bad or he can't stand the smell. No, that's not it at all. What he complains about is that her vaginal effluent, my term, not her's, leaves a not unpleasant but noticeable musky odor on his skin for at least twelve hours. He's concerned about his coworkers noticing the next morning when he shows up for work. It seems that normal soap and water doesn't leave his face clean and fresh smelling. She's in limbo, in terms of sexual pleasure via that route, as he never gets to the oral job except on Saturday night. Well as you might expect, this has led to a number of fights between the two of them. He expects her to be ready, willing, and able to catch his tube lube in her mouth any day of the week but won't reciprocate. She writes that she finally had to tell him that it's only fair that his expectations should be in line with the reality of the situation."
"I can't wait to hear how Klensall brings about domestic tranquillity to this couple. The boyfriend sounds just like some guys that I've dated. Ugh, trolls; they should all be disposed of."
