The Knight in Shining Armour/damsel in distress is a highly rated lockdown role play. But shining armour is hard to come by in these Covidinous times unless you're a member of the landed gentry or a scrap metal merchant. Also, when you visit a stately home have you noticed how small most of the suits of armour are?
This is due to the multiple orgasms, sorry plagues and famines that were around when knights were bold. (My spellcheck always does that whenever I write the word multiple orgasms. See! It's done it again. I really must stop writing porn.) Fortunately, we've moved on from there. Our 21st Century viruses are far more deadly.
Plus the security in those places is stately home of the art. When I finally found a suit to fit I was apprehended almost immediately. Bloody sensitive those metal detectors!
It may be that like me you'll have to make do with one of those Crusader-like faux chainmail St George get ups that are so popular with English sports supporters. And if you're from the USA, let's face it. You're fucked.
Clothing a damsel in this dress is comparatively straightforward. A flimsy undergarment, long flowing gown, and chastity belt should suffice. So, a brief online shopping spree at Lovehoney, GownsRus, and any reputable ironmongers should get the job done.
If you have a tower in your stately home you're ideally set. Otherwise the distressed one should stand on the landing by the top of the stairs whilst her knight in shining Crusader-like faux chainmail gazes up adoringly from the hall.
In Le Morte D'Arthur, Sir Thomas Malory explains in so many words that King Arthur being a shrewd judge once realised the greatness a new knight. He took him to a river where a sword lay in a stone with an inscription reading "Never shall man take me hence but only he by whose side I ought to hang; and he shall be the best knight of the world."
The knight easily pulled the sword out and King Arthur immediately proclaimed him to be the greatest knight ever. The knight of course was the son of Lancelot, Sir Galahad and that's who one of you should be. Exciting, eh?
I should warn you that there's a superabundance of theeing and thouing in this, so it will be a hard read. (You'll have to make your own joke up and stick it in here because I'm being serious.) It may be worth it because if you manage to get to the end, you'll probably manage to get your end away almost immediately. Actually, it would probably have been better if I did leave all the rest of the playing on words to you.
What you should remember is that I'm the one who had to translate this from the original Latin. And I don't even come from Latvia, so it wasn't easy.
The role play commenceth thusly...
Lady Tamara Knight: "Young knight, hast thou cometh to rescue me?"
(Which means "Young knight, have you come to rescue me?")
Sir Galahad: "Forsooth I cannot yet be certain for t'is dashed troublesome to see from down here through my visor. Art thou verily a fair maiden?"
("To be honest I'm not sure because I can't see a fucking thing through this poxy visor. Are you truly a gorgeous virgin or what?")
OK, you're on your own now.
Lady Tamara Knight: "I can indeed for I am considered the fairest damsel in distress in the Greater Neasden area." (Or wherever you're from.)
Sir Galahad: "Then I swear that I shall scale this lofty turret and liberate thee forthwith."
Lady Tamara Knight: "But beware the dastardly Sir Hugh Juter, for 'twas he who imprisoned me."
Sir Galahad: "Couldst thou describeth him?"
Lady Tamara Knight: "Verily a giant of a man with a long black beard and enormous conk."
Sir Galahad: "Then I'll vouchsafe he's somewhat shorter now, for not five minutes past I relieved a varlet of that description of his head."
Lady Tamara Knight: "Surely thou jesteth, for Sir Hugh Juter has been a warrior of incomparable strength during this knightly cycle."
Sir Galahad: I jest not, for my lance arm's strong."
Lady Tamara Knight: So, you Sir, you must be the greatest knight ever."
Sir Galahad: "I suppose I am really."