The Dubious Dictionary: Ag-Al

A collection of arcane and under-appreciated words for the edification, education, and entertainment of the reader. Definitions are included, along with clarification. Also, the word is used in a sentence, where appropriate, to indicate its proper usage in everyday language.

NOTE: An asterisk (*) following a definition indicates that the word and definition are factual and may be found in any good 40 pound dictionary. A less formal approach is taken with other words, and notes are included by the editor (Ed.) for clarification. Also, strict alphabetization is avoided to minimize the possiblilty of apseudoinhedescense

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AGISTIMENT: The use of a small stream as a toilet. Considered unneighborly by those living downstream who use it as a source of drinking water and recreation.

AGISTMENT: Land tax assessed for pasturing*. This may be waived if the assessor is granted ewe priviliges.

AGMA: Symbol or sound for a velar nasal consonant*. Another of those words that will become a major player in everyone's vocabulary (Ed.).

AGNOSY: Ignorance*. A part of the core curriculum in the Arkansas public school system.

AGOMPHOSIS: Looseness of the teeth*. E.g. "Sheeit, Lem, I been sufferin' from agomphosis ever since ah tried to play stank fanger with Betty Jo. Whooieee! Thet gal's shore got a mean left hook."

AGONISTES: Someone in the grip of inner conflict*. E.g. When one's pancreas declares war on one's gall bladder.

AGRAFFE: Hooked clasp used by masons*. Apparently, a secret handshake or embrace used by members of a masonic lodge. Similar to the 'pumping fist' signal used by the Sons of Onan.

AGRAPHIA: Inability to write*. A characteristic of some contributors to Literotica.com. Present company excepted, of course.

AGUARDIENTE: Spanish or Portugese brandy*. Commonly used to unclog drains, remove rust stains from toilets, and flush sewers in more upscale areas.

AGOWILT: Sudden sickening and unnecessary fear*. From the Aramaic: "Ago"-Stage fright, and "Wilto"-Penile flaccidity. E.g. "Ah'm sorry, Hootie May. Yer little brother watchin' done give me a case of agowilt."

AGRIOLOGY: Study of primitive peoples*. E.g. "Coming of Age in Little Rock." The definitive anthropological study of one of the world's most backward cultures.

AGRIZOIATRY: Veterinary medicine specializing in wild animals*. E.g. "Ummm ... Dr. Cosgrove, it's time for you to give Sombo the tiger his annual rectal examination."

AGYNARY: Lacking female genitals*. A common condition among men, although some act otherwise.

AIGRETTE: A cheerleader for the Detroit Aigers.

AIGURILLE: The small, globular deposit left on the porcelain after a thunderspray (qv).

ALABAMINE: Alternate name for the chemical element astatine*. Alabama is the only state which is so insecure as to need its own official element. A rather disgusting halogen, at that.

AISCHROLATRY: Worship of filth, dirt*. The official state religion of Albania, the flag of which is brown.

AKINESIA: Loss of the ability to move*. E.g. "Mildred, I cain't seemta git up. Wouldya hep me to the privy? .... Damn! On second thought, jist tote me out back and hose me off?"

ALBEDO: Whiteness*. As of a celestial object, well-aged dog shit, and Michael Jackson.

ALBESCENT: Becoming white; whiteness*. Occurs with ageing. One of several characteristics shared by dog feces and Michael Jackson.

ALBUGENIOUS: White colored*. Having a likeness to Michael Jackson. Hopefully, that should be the last reference to "The Que... King of the Sleep Over."

ALGEFACIENT: Producing coldness*. E.g. "Me an' Eddie Joe was parked out in the orange grove, gettin' friendly, ya know? He tried to sneak a toot an' done soiled hissef. I tell ya, Enid, thet were an algefacient, or ma name ain't Cindy Lou."

AI: The three toed sloth*. A word found only in crossword puzzles which should otherwise be ignored.

ALCINE: Of or pertaining to elk. Of or pertaining to auks*. How the hell could one word be used as an adjective for both a quadriped ruminant mammal weighing half a ton and a sea bird? Let's say an alcine animal was destined to drop out of the sky onto one's head. One would not know if the result was going to be a mild headache with some wet feathers or one being turned into a grease spot by a plummeting wapiti. (The word should either be expunged or better defined - Ed.).

AILETTA: One who is a devotee of crossword puzzles. A person who injects words such as "ai," "wapiti," and "etui" into everyday conversation. Such people are best ignored, and in no circumstances should be spoken to.

AILASTRUM: Skid marks. A posh word for the brown streaks which mysteriously appear on the posterior of underwear. A recent development has made possible the marketing of two-toned geriatric boxers which alleviate the problem. The front of the garment is an attractive yellow, and the back half a neutral medium brown. Designed to be worn for a month, then discarded, on the end of a long pole, into a hazardous waste container.

AHISMA: A traditional Scottish method for removal of cerumen accumulation. A pinch of finely ground pepper is wafted into the nose of the subject. Just before the first violent sternutation, the nostrils are pinched closed and the mouth is occluded with with a tight gag. The ensuing sneeze carries away the earwax encrustations, the tympanum, and many components of the inner ear. Eyeball involvement is not unusual.

AKLOVINOMETER: A primitive instrument once used to measure pain. The scale ranged from 0 to 10. A reading of 1 approximated the discomfort of a mild sunburn. The other extreme of the scale was reached when the aklovines were placed on an iron anvil and struck sharply with a wooden mallet.

ALANNAH: Term of endearment used with one's child.* E.g. "Mah goodness, Ellie Sue, y'all agettin' ta be quite the young lady. Whatter yew, mah li'l alannah, 'bout eleven? Come on inta bed with your ol' daddy fer a few minutes. Jist to git warm, ya know."

ALBATA: A weapon of dubious merit developed during the Hundred Years War. An explosive charge was placed on the end of a long pole, the fuse lit, and extended towards the enemy. The detonation was usually more injurious to the albatador than the enemy for which it was intended. Historians consider the albata to be the nadir of the "Three Stooges" era of weapons research and development.

ALALIA: Loss of the ability to speak.* E.g. "Donald, help! I think I'm getting alal..... .......... ....!"

ALECOST: Costmary. A herb used to flavor ale.* Reputed to have the bouquet of high-grade rooster excrement.

ALCAHEST: The alchemical universal solvent.* Its discovery gave rise to sentences frequently heard amongst the Brotherhood of Alchemists. E.g. "Urethra, Leonardo! We finally found .... now, where the fuck did it go?" -and- "What are we gonna keep this shit in, Dr Newton?"

ALEXIPHARMIC: Of or pertaining to the time-honored practice of burning down and looting drug stores in protest against high prescription prices.

ALIBLE: Possessed of good appetite.* The prototypically alible person was Haystack Calhoun, the 600 pound professional wrestler. The late Mr Calhoun was considered "well nourished."

ALLEMAIN: enormous pudding out of which acrobats leap.* This, of course, raises the ubiquitous question: "Why?" (Ed.)

ALLOCHTHONAMIA: The vague, uncomfortable feeling that one has had a hidden device attached to an intimate part of oneself during a time of sleep or inattention. It is attended by a nagging fear that a foreign power may be carrying on audio-visual monitoring of the activity of ones anal sphincter.

ALLOTRIOPHAGY: Craving for strange foods.* "Jesus Christ, Vertie! I kin understan' a pregnant woman wantin' radish sherbet an' hot dogs with chocolate sauce, but the kid's five years old now."

ALMACANTAR: Circle of altitude, parallel to the horizon.* The definition is irrelevant. It is an extremely cool word. Merely reading or saying "almacantar" evokes vague visions of exotica; Moorish, perhaps. A mundane definition, obfuscant as it is, only serves to make an excellent word pedestrian. (Ed.)

ALLANTIASIS: Food poisoning resulting from inadequate preservation.* E.g. "After addition of the rhubarb-mayonnaise mixture, garnish with skunk cabbage. The potato salad is then put into a tightly sealed container and left in the sun for at least six hours. Serve at room temperature, with an ambulance in attendance."

ALLEMANDE: Courtly baroque dance during which the gentleman's testicles are fondled by the lady using a scented lace handkerchief.

ALLOGRAPHY: Writing the signature of another person.* A practice common amongst a subsociety of personal check writers. The allographicant thereby derives access to and benefit from funds in the checking account without the annoying red tape of actually owning the account. Considered a minor social

faux pas

in some cultures.

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To be continued.

Thank you for your attention.

Reader's comments always welcome.