The Broadcast

A bit of nonsense that occurred to me once watching a game show you can all probably identify. My apologies to Mayberry fans. Jb7

THE BROADCAST

"Good evening, fans!! Welcome to this week's simulcast of Newlywed Ballroom, coming to you from the rooftop terrace of Wedding Daze Hotel, the only hotel in the nation catering only to honeymooners, on Radio F-L-Z-Y, at 83.9 on your FM dial and on the AmericanLife cable TV channel.

"Tonight, we'll be talking with some brand new newlyweds, married just this afternoon. I don't know why they're up here, but they consented to share their evening with us; and we'll be talking with a couple going home in the morning, to get their opinion of this honeymoon mecca. And finally, we will be talking with a newly wed pair who are also celebrating an anniversary of sorts. But first some music for your listening pleasure as we get things set up. Here is Art Archer and his band of Cupids, playing the Hawaiian Wedding Song."

The brand new newlyweds were a pleasant surprise to the radio host, Bert Jones. They were an older couple, both widowed, who had worked together. Their stay at Wedding Daze was a gift from their coworkers. The couple ending their stay was pretty much what he had expected. They had enjoyed their stay. It was all they had been told and more. They were torn about leaving, didn't want to go, but also wanted to get back to 'real life.'

As he wound up the interview, Bert saw his broadcast engineer signal him. "What's wrong?"

The engineer held up two pieces of what Bert recognized as AV recording tape. "Our delay loop is kaput, and the replacement is locked in the storeroom in the basement."

"Is that a problem?" Bert inquired.

"Just that it's going to take a few minutes to go down and get it. You shouldn't start the next interview until I get it replaced."

"No problem. It's time for a commercial, and some more music. Will that be long enough?"

"Should be. I'll signal when I'm set."

During the musical number by the Cupids, Bert went over and explained the delay to the third couple, Willie Joe and Irene Peters. They said they understood, but didn't think there was anything in their story which could cause a problem. Bert nodded, "It's just in case someone in the audience got excited and shouts out something obscene."

"Gosh," said Willie Joe, "Ah don't think we even know any swear words. Our pappies and mammies, they'd wash our mouths out with soap if'n we swore, and we'd have to stand up in church and tell what we did wrong."

Bert shuddered at the accent. Right out of that TV show, about the sheriff with the dumb deputy. He got the sign from the engineer as the song was ending.

"And now folks out there listening in, Newlywed Ballroom would like to introduce you to Willie Joe and Irene Peters. Willie Joe, I understand tonight is some sort of anniversary for you two."

"Yea-up," he said, stretching the word to two syllables. "One year ago tonight Ah asked Ahrene if she'd marry up with me."

Irene remembered that night. Willie Joe had been off training with the Guard for nearly a month. She'd had her period when he left, and as luck would have it, it started again just before he got home. And this last one had been a real gut wrencher. She had one like that about once a year. The flow had been heavy, and smell. Phewwwww. That night, even though the flow had stopped the day before, and she had taken a long soaking hot bath, she thought she could still smell it on her. So she had given herself an extra spritz of the new perfume Willie Joe had brought her.

"It must have been a pretty special night. Tell me, Willie Joe, do you remember why you asked Irene to marry you on that night?"

"Oh, gosh, yeah. Something she did that night let me know she really loved me."

Alarm bells sounded in the engineer's brain. He reached over to flip on the delay loop, only to see the replacement loop he had just installed break and fly across the room.

"See, Ah had been trainin' with the National Guard. You know about them, don't you?" Bert nodded. "Well, Ah had been gone a month near, an' when Ah got back...Well, Ahrene had her monthly visitor, you know?" Bert nodded again as a ripple of laughter swept the room. "So we couldn't get together rahght away when Ah got back. But that night, when we were, uhhh, bein' intimate, Ah recognized that she had done somethin' special for me, somethin' that made me know she was the one for me."

Bert's back was to the engineer's booth, so he could not see the frantic engineer's signaling. With some trepidation, but with faith in the delay loop, Bert asked "And what was that, Willie Joe?"

"She perfumed her pussy."

As laughter rocked the room, Irene blushed, Willie Joe beamed and Bert turned to see his white-faced engineer exit the booth carrying a broken delay loop. Bert shook his head, hoping. The engineer nodded, dejected. Willie Joe's declaration had gone out over the air. Behind him, into a live mike, Bert heard a woman at a nearby table ask, "What did you use, honey?"

"Kitty's Pleasures."