©
2024 Duleigh Lawrence-Townshend. All rights reserved. The author asserts the right to be identified as the author of this story for all portions. All characters are original. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental. This story or any part thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the expressed written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a review or commentary.
This is a work of love, a fan fiction. Many of these characters are the creation of Sir Terry Pratchett, as is the multiverse in which they live. If you would like to find out which of these characters is or is not a creation of Terry, please contact this author. This tale was not written to steal the fame that Sir Terry rightfully earned, but to enjoy one more romp in the shadow of Cori Celesti and remind the world of what we lost on March 12, 2015.
"One day I'll be dead and THEN you'll all be sorry."
-
Terry Pratchett, 28 Nov 1992 on alt.fan.pratchett
______________________________________________
The Assistant Librarian
{
With parenthetical footnotes
}
A Discworld Story
Alissa Clutterbuck loved libraries. She was a rarity in Ankh-Morpork. She was a woman who could not only read, but she could write as well. As a matter of fact, she wrote several books on the importance of books, she wrote a book on how to write a book, she wrote three books on the care, maintenance, repair, and binding of books, and she wrote a 100,000 word tome on the "Importance, Upkeep, and Design of the Modern Public Library."
The problem was that she was in Ankh-Morpork, where there were no Public Libraries. The population of the largest city on the discworld was gleefully illiterate, a fact that most colleges on the discworld keep from their Library Science students. {
They also do not inform their art history majors that there are no art museums. The only job an art history degree will get them is teaching art history.}
The sun was up when Alissa stood at the gate to the Unseen University. It was her first day on the job and she was excited to start as the Assistant Librarian in the Magic Library of the Unseen University. The Unseen University is over 2000 years old. It's the largest institution of learning on the Discworld and has always been the #1 school for learning wizardry and magic. She stood at the gate to the University and as the cock crowed, she swung a large knocker, causing the gate to boom like well-tuned timpani.
"Do that again," said the knocker.
She was shocked when it said that, like everyone else, she was aware of the magic that exists on the discworld and particularly here at the Unseen University. But a talking door knocker? She swung the knocker again and let it slam against the gate harder, producing an echoing 'boom!'
"Do it again," said the knocker, panting.
"Can't they hear you knocking inside the university?" Alissa asked.
"Yes, but I
really
like it when you do that to me," said the knocker.
Alissa suddenly felt a powerful urge to wash her hands.
Finally, the gate opened, and a scrawny, bearded man stood before her. He was nearly six feet tall but probably weighed eight stone. Maybe. Wringing wet. He wore tattered and faded wizard's robes and his pointy wizard's hat had felt stars and moons and sequins that were falling off. The hat proclaimed in faded felt letters he was a 'Wizzard.' "Can I help you?" the nervous 'wizzard' asked.
"I am Alissa Clutterbuck, and I am here for the position of Assistant Librarian." She held out the sealed note the Patrician gave her when he informed her she was officially an employee of the Unseen University. "This is for the Archchancellor with the patrician's regards." {
The Patrician is the ruler of the Twin Cities of Ankh-Morpork. Although he's an absolute tyrant, he believes in the rule of One Man, One Vote. Fortunately for him, he's the man, and it's his vote
.}
"I'm Rincewind the Wizzard," said Rincewind proudly. "I already am the Assistant Librarian; I don't think the University is hiring at this point in time." Rincewind stood proudly, but Alissa stood prouder, still holding out the note for the Archchancellor.
"The Patrician said that the University was hiring," she said sweetly.
Hearing that, Rincewind's shoulders drooped in defeat. He's lost worse jobs than this. "Follow me." He led the shapely young thing into the university. There in the central courtyard was a tremendously huge statue of a sea turtle, and on the back of the sea turtle was four elephants standing in a circle, tail to tail in the center, looking out from under the tremendous weight they carried on their backs. That weight was the discworld. The discworld was flat and circular, with a beautiful waterfall that spilled endlessly over the edge of the rim. {
When the sun was just right, you could see the beautiful rimbow as the sun's light is refracted in the falling water.
} The continents spread out on the surface of the disc and in the center stood a mountain peak a scale ten miles high. A tiny sun and an equally tiny moon circled over the discworld and the statue accurately reflected where the actual sun and moon were in their orbit around the real discworld. This was the most accurate model of the world they lived on ever made. It is said that if you look close enough, you will see a tiny sculpture of yourself bending over a tiny sculpture of the discworld, looking at a microscopic sculpture of yourself looking at...
Rincewind led Alissa into Poons hall, named for the famous Windle Poons, one of the few wizards in recorded history, to die of natural causes. {
The usual cause of death in most wizards is the wizard behind you that wants your job.
} They walked past a lecture that was being given to a room full of mannequins seated at desks and dressed as wizards. The lecturer did not seem to notice that his students were replaced with straw dummies. {
He most likely thought it was an improvement
.} They then turned down a corridor lined with labs.
Things
fluttered from laboratory doors, many exploding in a shower of sparks and guts, decorating the ancient stone floor with sparkling internal organs. Enchanted mouse traps flew after bats, snapping at them, trying to catch them, and from one door issued a column of smoke diagonally. The smoke suddenly froze, turned to marble, and crashed to the floor. As they walked past that door, stepping over the broken pieces of marble, Rincewind gave the wizard inside a thumbs up and a cheery, "Good one! Getting closer!"
"What were they trying to do in there?" asked Alissa.
"I... I really don't know," said Rincewind.
As with all buildings at the Unseen University, Poons Hall was saturated with magic, the results being that the inside of Poons Hall had more rooms and corridors than the outside dimensions allowed for. As they climbed a slowly rotating spiral staircase, Alissa was sure they just passed the fifth floor of a two story building. After climbing six stories, they alighted on the ground floor... even though they were on the ground floor when they started climbing.
Finally, they reached the Library which looked to Alissa like an ancient library made up of miles of bookshelves packed into one room. It had an air of a library from the depths of time when book binding was still on the horizon and books were handled with curiosity. Part of the library had stone bookshelves, but most of the library contained proper wooden bookshelves, blackened with age and lamp soot. "The books on the stone shelves are aggressive, they gnaw on the wood so we keep them on the stone shelves," whispered Rincewind. They walked past a book chained to a stout wooden lectern. "This book is on time out for inappropriate behavior."
"Why is yarn strung up on the bookshelves?" ask Alissa, seeing several trails of colored yarn disappearing off into the stacks.
"Probably freshmen," said Rincewind. "So they can find their way out."
The library was amazing. Above was a huge glass dome roof, allowing in as much natural light as possible. Many of the bookshelves were three stories high, with ladders on wheels to access the upper shelves. The very tops of the bookshelves were covered with potted plants and exotic vines, giving the top of the bookcases the look of treetops. "This is incredible," gasped Alissa. "The plants are a beautiful touch."
"The librarian likes it up there," said Rincewind the Wizzard. Just then, what appeared to be a rubber sack full of water covered in red hair swung down from a distant bookshelf using long, powerful arms and stubby legs with hands for feet. "...and this is the Librarian," whispered Rincewind.
