The a-Hole of Misfit Toys

Well, true story time

I bought a toy. This toy is a 'realistic' penis and balls with mechanical thrusting and vibration. It is soft silicone, around 8 inches long and a good 1.5 inches in girth, bit more at the head.

The start button is on the bottom of the balls, just in front of the suction cup and it has a remote but, oddly, you cannot turn it on with the remote -- just the aforementioned spot under the balls.

I was going to pleasure myself with this but one small, teeny, tiny, definitely not being ironic here, caveat: I have never fit anything this big in me.

In my research, at least until I can stretch myself to accommodate this big daddy, everything said, "use lube". A lot of lube. More than you'd think you need and more than you'd prefer. And, preferably, to save the material of the device, water based.

Okay... I have it ready to go, fully charged, and am all, "let's get this up in my guts!"

I suction it to the rim of the tub, straddle it, line it up and sit...and promptly lose my grip. With more than a bit of spring, from the suction angle and me trying to line it, it has considerable tension and I lose my grip, causing it to spring back and, in its arc, it makes a very solid connection with my testicles.

So, after the world returned to not being a fantastic display of fireworks...Try number two!

I am going to try standing outside the tub and sitting on it. This means I have to balance, aim with slippery hands and lower myself onto it. Except, remember that bit about more lube than you'd expect or prefer?

Yep, a slight shift of my left foot found one of the spots the lube had dropped. My foot shot out, the dildo clipped my asshole then slipped past. And trying to maintain a grip on tile with lube covered hands...

I slip down, I was now laying on the bathroom floor, my asshole was bruised, and, because of lube, I could not get any traction. I just kind of flailed about on the floor at first, my head compressed against the tub, my legs akimbo.

I just about pulled the door off the sink cabinet as I tried to use that to regain my balance. And then, just because the universe thought it would add to the funny, the suction on the device popped and it smacked me on the head and rolled off onto the bathroom floor.

The energy expended in getting off a lubed up tile floor had left me exhausted and, because it had fallen on the floor, I had to clean the device.

That was enough play for that day.

Coming next in part two... horizontal insertion, more slippery floors, success (sort of), and trying to turn the device on when 'in situ'.

So, after the bruising and humiliation healed, I decided it was time for another shot.

I had tried the sit down on it -- what if I stuck it to the wall and pushed myself back on it. Well, with a bit of pain, pressure and wriggling, I did it. I felt the head go past my anal ring and I could feel the shaft opening me, sliding in. Not being a gay man and never having had something this big up my ass, it was a strange sensation. It hurt but felt good...like being proper full. I can now honestly see why people would do this IRL.

Now, I am about 3 inches in, including the head and am pushing but I am beyond the lube. Oh, shit.... How do I add lube to something in my ass? Well, never mind... we're doing this for my pleasure so, let's go.

And, with the amount of the toy NOT in my ass, combined with awkward stance, I cannot reach the on button. Son of a...

So, pushing back, I work a bit more in and, after a few tense minutes, some sparklers in my eyes and I am sure what is life threatening blood pressure, I can reach it. And I turn it on!

I feel the quick buzz it makes when it comes on and now for the extra features provided by the remote. The remote that is about a foot outside my reach. I cannot pull myself off the dildo now, it is suctioned to the wall. So I lean a bit, hoping to reach it with my fingertips.

And now, I am off the dildo, as I have reached the extra lubed up section and, with leaning forward, I have great leverage to get off it. And now, in freefall, I smack my arm on my wooden bedframe.

I roll and end up on the floor, stunned, my dildo still stuck to the wall and, with me now tired, bruised, exhausted, I sadly have to call it for the day.

More to come.

And cum, I hope.