One of my all time favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. And my favorite character is, without a doubt, the Scarecrow. Not only can he contort himself into all sorts of crazy sex positions, but he also doesn't have a brain. Now, as we women know, most men think with their cocks and not their brains, anyway. But someone who would "wile away the hours, conferring with the flowers..."? How easy to manipulate and control. And the combination of extreme flexibility and no brains? Um, hello? Major and multiple orgasms. But be mindful, for sure...certainly, no candles to set the mood. Just keep him away from fire and he would be good to go!
But funnily enough, I have much more in common with the heart-less Tin Man. Not that I'm heartless (although, if I am being honest, I'm sure quite a few former boyfriends would say otherwise). Not only do I need oil on occasion, just like the Tin Man, to lube myself up, I also share something that the Tin Man receives at the end of the movie. A testimonial.
As you remember, the Great and Powerful Oz (a man who looks like he has a 3 inch cock – erect – if there ever was one) doles out to the weary travelers what each one thinks he or she wants/needs. To the Tin Man, the Wizard bestows, in the shape of a red, heart-shaped ticking cock (um... clock), a testimonial.
As it turns out, I too, have a testimonial, although of a very different kind.
Actually, it's testimonials. Plural. I have...um...a few. Slightly more. OK, I have over 20 fucking (verb, not adjective) testimonials; probably more, even. I kind of stopped counting after 20. And to think that only a short month ago, I had absolutely no idea what a testimonial even was. Then I joined Snatchmaker, an online sex site, and I found out rather quickly.
Snatchmaker had promised a ratio of 5 men for every one woman. They clearly underestimated. I was getting, in response to my profile, upwards of 100 emails a week. There certainly was a lot from which to choose, that was for sure. But, conversely, there were also a lot to wade through before you got to the good ones. I decided to take the plunge and dive right in. Act now, think later...typical Tango.
Mr.Maxxx was one of the first men I met after joining Snatchmaker. We had an immediate connection (translation: intense pounding in many positions resuting in me cumming so hard I saw stars) Per Fuckbunny protocol, I kicked Mr. Maxxx out and I went to sleep.
The next morning I signed on to my Snatchmaker account...and there, at the bottom of my profile, was a header which said Testomonials, underneath which was Mr. Maxxx's profile picture, along with this quote:
It takes two to tango and you'll thoroughly enjoy this firecracker! Tango is one hot horizontal dance. Highly recommend!
What? What was this? I did a quick search through random profiles and found that testimonials were a desired commodity. The more, the better. They were formal recognition of a job well done.
Being a rather self confident individual, I initially ignored the whole testimonial deal. I needed no affirmation about my amazing prowess and creativity when it
came to fucking.
But I am an adventurous sort. I decided to experiment. That night, I met with Karate guy for the first time. He was physically not my type, but when he took his clothes off...well let's just say he could split wood without using his hands. Amazingly, Karate guy was quite gentle with me...until I told him to slam me against the wall, pull my hair, yank my head back and fuck my brains out. And, indeed, the next morning:
On a scale of 1 – 10, Tango is a 20. She knows what she wants and she certainly knows how to get it. I was just along for the ride...and what a ride!
Cool! This was like the Academy Awards or Grammys of fucking, and I was nominated in all categories! It made me perform to the best of my ability with every guy I met. And always, the next day, there would appear another glowing testimonial.
Snatchmaker did allow its users the option to hide their testimonials, but the impression I got just from the short time I had been a member was that testimonials were akin to notches on a belt...or a bed post. I have to admit I was initially proud and a bit cocky (pun intended). Affirmation in any skill can be quite heady and even addictive. I found I was fucking guys just so they would write me a glowing review...um...I mean testimonial.
And then one day, at the gym, I was on the treadmill when two hot men came in; one of whom looked a bit familiar. They began talking as they spotted each other lifting weights.
"So you just joined Snatchmaker?" asked the familiar one.
"Yeah, been on there about a week. I already have something set up with this hot red headed chick, who has, like, 30 testimonials. All about how she can suck the chrome off an exhaust pipe... can't wait to get some of that!"
"A red head?" replied Familiar Guy. "Her name wouldn't happen to be Tango, would it?"
"Yes!" the other exclaimed. "Do you know her?"
