Note 1: "My Erotic Fiction", which means you cannot use or repost it without permission; it may be illegal or immoral for you to read it; and it is not based in reality.
Note 2: It may or may not help to read other stories in the 'Tak'lon' universe. If I ever publish this drivel, it will the 'The Tales of the B'Naf'By'.
*****
"What the jehill just happened? Report!" Tak'Lon screeched to his/her/its partner/first mate/mortal enemy Psat'Doo as well as to the ship's AI.
"Unknown" came the reply from the AI.
"Working on it Captain!" Psat'Doo shouted. Alarms were going off and the ship was spinning on axes no physicist ever imagined and it was making both Tak'Lon and Psat'Doo really queazy. Control panels were sparking, red lights were flashing, repair droids were scurrying, and Tak'Lon's panic glands were ready to disgorge.
A flying saucer-shaped ufo with what looked like giant cigars strapped to it had burst out of hyperspace and knocked them for a loop. Thank Belzzithis that the ship was mostly intact. Tak'Lon made a Command Decision and hit the 'Emergency Stop' button. Immediately, the ship stabilized, the alarm horns and lights stopped, the sparks stopped flying, the droids sighed in relief, and most importantly, Tak'Lon's panic glands drained. A hot cup of Earl Grey tea appeared on the arm of Tak'Lon's Command Chair as per protocol.
"This is odd, Captain," Psat'Doo muttered as he stared at a series of displays.
Tak'Lon was tapping a lessor mobilization appendage impatiently. Finally he growled "Well? Spit it out man!"
Psat'Doo spat out a bolus of acid that ate through three decks- that 'man' insult really got to him. "We seem to be... somewhere else."
"Clarification?" Gods above and below, Tak'Lon hated it when his slimy science officer/navigator/pilot made him drag everything out of him like this. A patch of scaly horns glowed lightly in admiration.
"Well... the stars are in the wrong places, there are almost no hydrocarbons or greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, there is almost no evidence of power use or pollution anywhere, and there are only a few hooman readings all clustered in a small place.That ufo that hit us must have knocked us back in time."
"Are you sure this is still the planet Dirt?"
"That's one of the few things I AM sure of. As... as best I can tell, we are several thousand years in the past! Captain, what should we do?"
Tak'Lon heaved a great sigh, warping the bulkhead in front of him. "I guess there is only one thing TO do. We'll have to go down and ask for directions."
The Disgusting Duo crawled out of the cramped shuttle. Tak'Lon wished for the dillionth time that Science and Tech Services would get the bugs worked out of the transporter systems. According to the last report, they almost had all the ants and fireflies out, but were struggling with the moths. Standing up and stretching to work the kinks out of his two or three hundred limbs and give his gelatinous form a chance to reshape itself back to normal, Tak'Lon looked around and was amazed at his surroundings.
Beautiful trees and plants were bursting with color and fragrance. Brilliant birds were dancing in the air and small friendly creatures were scurrying in the undergrowth. It was disgusting! Where was all the habitat destruction hoomans were known throughout the B'Naf'By Empire for? Why was the sky so clear? What the Shamusth was going on here? At least there was nice clean desert in the distance. He suddenly realized they were on top of a tall plateau.
They walked in the garden-like paradise until Psat'Doo noticed two proto-hoomans grazing on some long grass. "Look, over there. There seem to be two proto-hoomans grazing on the grass."
"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Tak'Lon snarled. Psat'Doo's internal structure glowed with the pride from his field promotion.
Psat'Doo noticed a fruit tree. Remembering that hoomans from their time liked fruit, he picked on and used one of his longer tentacles to stealthily reach it out to offer one of the primitive creatures. It took the treat, sniffed it, and nibbled at it. It seemed to like it. She tried to give it back, however. "No, I shouldn't. It's probably against the rules."
"Hey! What are you doing? We have to finish our lunch and get back to naming the animals! What is that thing you are eating?" The other proto-hooman called out.
"I dunno. We didn't have to name the plants so I guess it doesn't have one yet. Whatever it is, it's a lot tastier than that other stuff we've been eating. Here, try a bite."
"Hmm, that IS good! Where'd it come from?"
"Some slender, nasty arm kinda extended it to me"
"Slender Nasty Arm Kinda Extender?" It nodded. "Let's see... S.N.A.K.E... that would be a... a... snake! Great name! You're so good at this!" The other proto-human blushed, then they both ape-walked over to a clearing and started back naming all the animals lined up patiently there.
"Psat'Doo, old friend, do you perchance notice that our two friends there seem to be completely lacking in external gender characteristics?" Psat'Doo nodded his elbow spines in agreement. "That suggests to me a wager." Spines, crests, and wattles all over Psat'Doo quivered in excitement! A wager! They hadn't had a good wager in hours! Of course, since wagering by B'Naf'Bians while on duty was a violation of PanGalactic Leadership Committee Law, it was not a big wager. The thrice accursed and greatly feared Committee Lawyers carefully monitored all research ships flying under the PanGalactic flag and would fine violators to within an inch of their life if caught.
Of course, right now, the Committee was gillions of lightyears and thousands of regularyears away. Psat'Doo was all ears... which made him look even more disgusting than normal.
"I propose you take the apple eater there, and I'll take the other one, and we fix that lack of distinguishing characteristics issue and we see what happens." The two discussed outcomes, side wagers, and more for a polite amount of time but both were positively quivering to get started.
Psat'Doo had done a ton of research about what made one gender attractive to the other. Sure, most of the research was based on 21st century American porn, but what did that matter? Tastes never changed in the B'Naf'By, so why would they in these primitive hoomans? He had the creature stand up, which looked awkward for it. It was a bit over four hooman feet tall, covered in short brown hair, had a tiny stump of a tail, and an ape-like face.
He started with the skeleton, since it was one of the hardest things the B'Naf'By had to work with. They never saw much use in the calcium structures so got rid of their own millennia ago and never looked back. Hoomans, however, did not seem to do as well when the darn things were removed, so he set to tweaking hers. She grew to about 5'6" or so. Her legs, spine, hips, and chest shifted and remolded to allow a more upright and balanced posture. He curved her spine decoratively in a slight S-shape just for fun. Head- small skull, smaller jaw, remove the heavy brow, bigger eye sockets, and so on.
Now she looked kinda funny all stretched over the taller frame, so he worked on skin, muscles, and nerves all at once. Thankfully his Device was easily up to the task. Soon, she looked like a teenaged girl that would have been at home in most of the moo-vees of the day. He had had her shed most of her hair except for her head and around her eyes, and changed the claws to fingernails. He debated leaving hair around her female genitalia, but since there was none in slightly over half the moo-vees, he chose to leave it smooth. He made her hair and eyes brown, and skin tones a very light brown, averaging thousands of female models together.
At this point, she would have fit in well in a skool, a mall, or in any of the moo-vees, but the point of the wager was for something special, something that would elicit a specific response from the other one. He took inspiration from the plants and animals around him. He turned her hair a brilliant pink to help it stand out against the green vegetation. He turned her skin more of a light sun-kissed bronze because it looked good with the pink. Her eyes became pink for a moment, then he noticed the brilliant green-gold of the eyes of a tiger and responded to the thrill of the fight. He rose to the challenge of his rival and the last known survivor as he went with it. Nah, ice blue looked better, so he went back.
Body. What to do with the body? Well, obviously, big tits are a given so hers slowly inflated. From small bumps that would probably have been smart considering she was naked in a forest, they grew through several sizes of so-far unnamed fruit until they were far larger than any other animal's he'd seen. Eh, what the hell- he made them a bit bigger. A quick genetic twist and the fatty tissue would ensure that her mammary glands would always be engorged, and not go down when she wasn't in heat. For that matter... he rigged things so she would usually be fertile.
Let's see... most animals that nurse their young use buttocks to signal sexual interest, so she gets a nice ass, named for the donkey-like creature watching the activity. He tweaked her vagina until the cat watching nodded its approval. Her smooth belly looked kinda bland, so he gave her a cute little belly button, Curlier hair for fun, a wider and more mobile mouth, wider eyes, a smaller nose... she looked horrible to the somewhat revolted alien but he knew that hoomans from his time would find her delectable. He believed the adjective they would use would be 'adorable', kind of like a busty version of those toys... bratwurst dolls? Something like that. He made her tits a bit bigger again to help dispel that image.
Following the weird hooman belief that hiding some skin was sexier than showing everything, he covered her groin with a large leaf and held it in place by shoving a thick, rounded stick through it into her slit. He then escorted her to meet with Tak'Lon's project.
Psat'Doo scored several points when he noticed that his guesses were correct. Tak'Lon had gone for a male of about the same virtual age as his woman, as well as about the same ethnic make up. The male was almost instantly erect upon seeing the young pulchritudinous woman.
"Oooh, what's that thing?" She asked, pointing at the pointing thing.
"I... I don't know yet. We didn't have to name body parts so it doesn't have a name yet."
