Taklon In The Beginning

Note 1: "My Erotic Fiction", which means you cannot use or repost it without permission; it may be illegal or immoral for you to read it; and it is not based in reality.

Note 2: It may or may not help to read other stories in the 'Tak'lon' universe. If I ever publish this drivel, it will the 'The Tales of the B'Naf'By'.

*****

"What the jehill just happened? Report!" Tak'Lon screeched to his/her/its partner/first mate/mortal enemy Psat'Doo as well as to the ship's AI.

"Unknown" came the reply from the AI.

"Working on it Captain!" Psat'Doo shouted. Alarms were going off and the ship was spinning on axes no physicist ever imagined and it was making both Tak'Lon and Psat'Doo really queazy. Control panels were sparking, red lights were flashing, repair droids were scurrying, and Tak'Lon's panic glands were ready to disgorge.

A flying saucer-shaped ufo with what looked like giant cigars strapped to it had burst out of hyperspace and knocked them for a loop. Thank Belzzithis that the ship was mostly intact. Tak'Lon made a Command Decision and hit the 'Emergency Stop' button. Immediately, the ship stabilized, the alarm horns and lights stopped, the sparks stopped flying, the droids sighed in relief, and most importantly, Tak'Lon's panic glands drained. A hot cup of Earl Grey tea appeared on the arm of Tak'Lon's Command Chair as per protocol.

"This is odd, Captain," Psat'Doo muttered as he stared at a series of displays.

Tak'Lon was tapping a lessor mobilization appendage impatiently. Finally he growled "Well? Spit it out man!"

Psat'Doo spat out a bolus of acid that ate through three decks- that 'man' insult really got to him. "We seem to be... somewhere else."

"Clarification?" Gods above and below, Tak'Lon hated it when his slimy science officer/navigator/pilot made him drag everything out of him like this. A patch of scaly horns glowed lightly in admiration.

"Well... the stars are in the wrong places, there are almost no hydrocarbons or greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, there is almost no evidence of power use or pollution anywhere, and there are only a few hooman readings all clustered in a small place.That ufo that hit us must have knocked us back in time."

"Are you sure this is still the planet Dirt?"

"That's one of the few things I AM sure of. As... as best I can tell, we are several thousand years in the past! Captain, what should we do?"

Tak'Lon heaved a great sigh, warping the bulkhead in front of him. "I guess there is only one thing TO do. We'll have to go down and ask for directions."

The Disgusting Duo crawled out of the cramped shuttle. Tak'Lon wished for the dillionth time that Science and Tech Services would get the bugs worked out of the transporter systems. According to the last report, they almost had all the ants and fireflies out, but were struggling with the moths. Standing up and stretching to work the kinks out of his two or three hundred limbs and give his gelatinous form a chance to reshape itself back to normal, Tak'Lon looked around and was amazed at his surroundings.

Beautiful trees and plants were bursting with color and fragrance. Brilliant birds were dancing in the air and small friendly creatures were scurrying in the undergrowth. It was disgusting! Where was all the habitat destruction hoomans were known throughout the B'Naf'By Empire for? Why was the sky so clear? What the Shamusth was going on here? At least there was nice clean desert in the distance. He suddenly realized they were on top of a tall plateau.

They walked in the garden-like paradise until Psat'Doo noticed two proto-hoomans grazing on some long grass. "Look, over there. There seem to be two proto-hoomans grazing on the grass."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Tak'Lon snarled. Psat'Doo's internal structure glowed with the pride from his field promotion.

Psat'Doo noticed a fruit tree. Remembering that hoomans from their time liked fruit, he picked on and used one of his longer tentacles to stealthily reach it out to offer one of the primitive creatures. It took the treat, sniffed it, and nibbled at it. It seemed to like it. She tried to give it back, however. "No, I shouldn't. It's probably against the rules."

"Hey! What are you doing? We have to finish our lunch and get back to naming the animals! What is that thing you are eating?" The other proto-hooman called out.

"I dunno. We didn't have to name the plants so I guess it doesn't have one yet. Whatever it is, it's a lot tastier than that other stuff we've been eating. Here, try a bite."

"Hmm, that IS good! Where'd it come from?"

"Some slender, nasty arm kinda extended it to me"

"Slender Nasty Arm Kinda Extender?" It nodded. "Let's see... S.N.A.K.E... that would be a... a... snake! Great name! You're so good at this!" The other proto-human blushed, then they both ape-walked over to a clearing and started back naming all the animals lined up patiently there.

"Psat'Doo, old friend, do you perchance notice that our two friends there seem to be completely lacking in external gender characteristics?" Psat'Doo nodded his elbow spines in agreement. "That suggests to me a wager." Spines, crests, and wattles all over Psat'Doo quivered in excitement! A wager! They hadn't had a good wager in hours! Of course, since wagering by B'Naf'Bians while on duty was a violation of PanGalactic Leadership Committee Law, it was not a big wager. The thrice accursed and greatly feared Committee Lawyers carefully monitored all research ships flying under the PanGalactic flag and would fine violators to within an inch of their life if caught.

Of course, right now, the Committee was gillions of lightyears and thousands of regularyears away. Psat'Doo was all ears... which made him look even more disgusting than normal.

"I propose you take the apple eater there, and I'll take the other one, and we fix that lack of distinguishing characteristics issue and we see what happens." The two discussed outcomes, side wagers, and more for a polite amount of time but both were positively quivering to get started.

Psat'Doo had done a ton of research about what made one gender attractive to the other. Sure, most of the research was based on 21st century American porn, but what did that matter? Tastes never changed in the B'Naf'By, so why would they in these primitive hoomans? He had the creature stand up, which looked awkward for it. It was a bit over four hooman feet tall, covered in short brown hair, had a tiny stump of a tail, and an ape-like face.

He started with the skeleton, since it was one of the hardest things the B'Naf'By had to work with. They never saw much use in the calcium structures so got rid of their own millennia ago and never looked back. Hoomans, however, did not seem to do as well when the darn things were removed, so he set to tweaking hers. She grew to about 5'6" or so. Her legs, spine, hips, and chest shifted and remolded to allow a more upright and balanced posture. He curved her spine decoratively in a slight S-shape just for fun. Head- small skull, smaller jaw, remove the heavy brow, bigger eye sockets, and so on.

Now she looked kinda funny all stretched over the taller frame, so he worked on skin, muscles, and nerves all at once. Thankfully his Device was easily up to the task. Soon, she looked like a teenaged girl that would have been at home in most of the moo-vees of the day. He had had her shed most of her hair except for her head and around her eyes, and changed the claws to fingernails. He debated leaving hair around her female genitalia, but since there was none in slightly over half the moo-vees, he chose to leave it smooth. He made her hair and eyes brown, and skin tones a very light brown, averaging thousands of female models together.

At this point, she would have fit in well in a skool, a mall, or in any of the moo-vees, but the point of the wager was for something special, something that would elicit a specific response from the other one. He took inspiration from the plants and animals around him. He turned her hair a brilliant pink to help it stand out against the green vegetation. He turned her skin more of a light sun-kissed bronze because it looked good with the pink. Her eyes became pink for a moment, then he noticed the brilliant green-gold of the eyes of a tiger and responded to the thrill of the fight. He rose to the challenge of his rival and the last known survivor as he went with it. Nah, ice blue looked better, so he went back.

Body. What to do with the body? Well, obviously, big tits are a given so hers slowly inflated. From small bumps that would probably have been smart considering she was naked in a forest, they grew through several sizes of so-far unnamed fruit until they were far larger than any other animal's he'd seen. Eh, what the hell- he made them a bit bigger. A quick genetic twist and the fatty tissue would ensure that her mammary glands would always be engorged, and not go down when she wasn't in heat. For that matter... he rigged things so she would usually be fertile.

Let's see... most animals that nurse their young use buttocks to signal sexual interest, so she gets a nice ass, named for the donkey-like creature watching the activity. He tweaked her vagina until the cat watching nodded its approval. Her smooth belly looked kinda bland, so he gave her a cute little belly button, Curlier hair for fun, a wider and more mobile mouth, wider eyes, a smaller nose... she looked horrible to the somewhat revolted alien but he knew that hoomans from his time would find her delectable. He believed the adjective they would use would be 'adorable', kind of like a busty version of those toys... bratwurst dolls? Something like that. He made her tits a bit bigger again to help dispel that image.

Following the weird hooman belief that hiding some skin was sexier than showing everything, he covered her groin with a large leaf and held it in place by shoving a thick, rounded stick through it into her slit. He then escorted her to meet with Tak'Lon's project.

Psat'Doo scored several points when he noticed that his guesses were correct. Tak'Lon had gone for a male of about the same virtual age as his woman, as well as about the same ethnic make up. The male was almost instantly erect upon seeing the young pulchritudinous woman.

"Oooh, what's that thing?" She asked, pointing at the pointing thing.

"I... I don't know yet. We didn't have to name body parts so it doesn't have a name yet."

"What do you do with it?"

"I guess the same thing that the animals do. Push it inside you over and over until we both grunt and shiver."

"Hmmm, that sounds weird. But, the thing between my legs seems to be salivating at the idea. Shall we?" She bent over to emulate the rabbits fornicating nearby. The male approached her and jabbed his thing into hers. "Ouch! That hurt!"

"Shall I stop?" He asked through gritted teeth, hoping she'd say no.

"No, it's better now. Just hold on a second. It felt like a nasty prick but it is better now. Hey! We can call it a 'prick'!" He was a bit too busy to appreciate her clever name for it. Instead he focused on moving it in and out of her over and over, going faster and faster.

She started to moan and grind herself into him. "Jab that prick in my HOOO! HAAAAA!" She was moaning and lost her train of thought. He thought 'hoohaw' was a damned silly name for this wonderful thing but there was no way he was going to tell her that now- he was too busy dealing with the fact that his prick was going to explode in a moment and kill them both. He really, really could not seem to do anything about it, so he just gritted his teeth and waited for the grizzly end.

"Hoo haaaa! HOOO HAAAAAAAAA!" She kept moaning and screaming as she felt something inside her winding up. "Harder, faster! Come on, jam that prick into my HOOOOO HAAAAAA!" She shouted as he complied. She was planning on calling it a 'pussy' after the cat she liked because it felt so good as he stroked it, but she just could not get it out. After all, her whole body was going to fall apart in a minute so why sweat the small stuff?

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" They both screamed as he exploded and she fell apart. They flopped into a sweaty pile and were both relieved to be alive and intact. "That was fun," she said. "I wonder if we'll ever be able to do it again?"

He looked down and saw that his prick was still pricky, so he pricked her again. "Huh. I guess so," she said, moving in counterpoint to his thrusts. All too soon, they were moaning and screaming loudly.

"Hey now, what's all that noise?" A strange voice was calling in the wilderness. A man with long white hair and a long white beard parted the bushes.

"Gandalf?" Tak'Lon asked. "Oh, sorry Yahweh! Did not recognize you for a second there."

"No problem, dude. I get that all the time... well... I will get it all the time in the future. Speaking of that, I see in my notes that we didn't meet until sometime in what will then be called 2001. What are you doing here?"

Tak'Lon explained what happened and described the ship to YHWH. He looked it up on His tablet and showed a picture to Tak'Lon. "That's it! That's the ship!"

YHWH nodded. "That figures. Federation of Planets United Space Ship NCC-1707A. That damned ship keeps screwing up the space-time continuum. They do this silly 'slingshot around the sun' thing that shouldn't work, but apparently there is some sort of loophole. I can send you back, no problem. In a way, you are still tethered there so it will be almost as simple as releasing the tension on a rubber band.

"So," He asked, deftly changing the subject. "What are you doing to these two? You know you are interfering with an experiment, right?"

"An experiment?" Tak'lon asked sheepishly. Well, as sheepish as a B'Naf'Bian can sound, especially as the two fuckers had not gotten around to naming sheep yet.

"Yeah. You see, I've got this primary universe running using Standard Universal Evolutionary Principles. It should have interesting results but it is just taking too damn long to get there. So, a bunch of us have set up these alternative timelines to try different hypotheses. This is part of one I am running with Ganesh. He thinks his cockroaches could destroy the Earth before my humans do. I've set up several scenarios to see which one might win out in the bet."

At the mention of betting, both Tak'Lon's and Psat'Doo's sagittal crests inflated with interest. "Bets?" Psat'Doo parroted... if B'Naf'Bians could parrot and parrots had been nam... aw never mind.

YHWH chuckled. "Nothing like what your planet does. We just bet supper on the outcome. Just between you and me, I'm pretty sure I'll win. Here, let me show you what I have going on." He led them over a river and into a different quadrant of the plateau. "Here is the Adam and Lilith version. Both of them were made at the same time and are absolute equals in every way.

"The program is going well enough in most ways. They were copulating at a reasonable rate, but it has been declining recently. There seems to be a problem with the fact that they are so well balanced- they are not often in the mood at the same time, and Adam seems to resent that she has equal authority in things. He's semi-domesticated that wolf walking with him and talks to it often. I'm afraid he makes disparaging comparisons between Lilith and the wolf's own mate." YHWH was shaking his head. "I'm not sure this experiment has much of a chance but I'm going to let it run a while longer."

They crossed another river and YHWH showed them a colony of bonobos He was using as a control. He led them back the way they came to the original site. "This s the 'Adam and Eve' version. I made her from some of his spare parts so she would be more of a helper than an equal. I thought that the sexuality between Lilith and Adam was a problem, so I left it out of these two. I see that you, ahem, 'fixed' that for me."

The three stood and watched the two young people humping in the lush vegetation. Some animals that were impatient to get names were hanging on the edges of the action. Now, the animals had already experienced some really annoying trends by the pair. At first, the names were basic- some flat worms were called 'flatworms'. Small flying bugs got called 'flies'. Small smelly beetles were called 'stinkbugs' and so on. They went through a silly phase with names like pink fairy armadillo, spiny lumpsucker, tassled wobbegone, platypus, geoduck, and matamata. For a while, they gave small names to small animals and big names to big animals- ant, crab, tiger, elephant, diplodocus, and argentinosaurus.

So, it is probably unsurprising that the two did not put a lot of thought in the names they were giving out now, being distracted by the shagging they were giving each other. A sea bird got the name 'boobie'. A small bird was named the 'tit'. A larger bird got saddled with 'cock' and a fish got the name 'ahole'. A small antelope approached for a name, and when the stunned animal asked for a clarification, Adam called it the same thing twice- a 'dik dik'. A large rodent got stuck with 'beaver' and the worse may have been the sea mammal that was named 'sperm whale'. Disgusted, most of the animals just gave up and left.

Adam and Eve had been discovering new positions quickly. They progressed from doggy style to cat, to tangled spider, to butterfly, to swan and stallion. They were trying it monkey-style when tumbled out of the tree and began to roll to the edge of a cliff. Yeah, they rolled through the briars, and they rolled through the brambles and they rolled through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go. They rolled so fast that the hounds couldn't catch 'em, down the sloping sides to the desert sands below.

Yahweh looked over the edge. "Hey, guys? Catch." He tossed over a bundle. "Well", YHWH humphed. "I guess that experiment is over. They'll never be able to climb back up that. Come on, let me show you the Adam and Steve version before I send you back." The three went over to the last quadrant.

Meanwhile, back out of the jungle, Adam and Eve were sitting in the soft, warm sand. Adam was rubbing his bruised shoulders and Eve was rubbing her sore hoo-haw. "I'm hungry" Adam whined.

"What do you expect me to do about that?" Eve griped.

"Feed me?"

"Why, sure honeybun! Here!" She dumped a handful of red sand on him. "Come on, we've got to get back up there." The two tried to climb the steep cliffs for hours to no avail. "Damn it, this is all your fault! You were thinking with your prick!"

"Hey, you started all this by looking all prick-stiffening like that." Eve preened a bit at the comment. "I know- let's blame it on that thing, the snake and that fruit you ate!" Eve tentatively agreed to that.

"One thing's for sure." Eve mused.

'What's that?"

"Yahweh must really hate this sex stuff."

Adam looked puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean He was right there, watching us, and just let us roll over the edge. He also did not lift a finger to help us back up."

Adam pointed out that He tossed them some stuff.

"True. Let's see what it is." They opened the bundle and found some seed packets and clothes. Eve began to get dressed, which made Adam sad. "Adam, honey, do these slacks make my butt look big?"

Adam, gaining wisdom, changed the subject.