Stand up and Cum

Laughter is just the best thing. As I stood on stage, eyes slightly blinded by the spotlights, it was the laughter bursting forth from the audience that made it so good. Even more so, because this was the first time I'd done stand up comedy to the swinging and fetish crowd.

I'd been in and out of the lifestyle, enjoying my own personal kinkiness now and then but the life of a stand up comic is not made for long-term relationships. I traveled a ton so I was always thrilled to find someone in a town I was visiting who wanted to get together for a little fun. I especially loved spending time with married couples, simply because it wasn't just something hard and fast in my hotel room after a set. I could take my time and enjoy not only the sex, but their company as well.

It was after a night in New York with a sexy couple my own age, late 40s, that I found an opportunity to combine my two favorite things: sex and comedy. It turned out that Jason and Helen were putting together an event for sex-positive people with a decidedly hands-on approach to sexuality.

"It's not one huge orgy," laughed Helen. "But there's no limit to nudity and if people want to fuck in the hallways outside the meeting rooms, we've gotten permission from the hotel to do that."

"How the hell did you get them to agree to that?" I asked, as we all lounged in their hot tub.

"Oh, it took a little money and a lot of Helen's hot little pussy," joked Jason. "She didn't fuck everyone in the hotel management but it was close!"

"Well you did have to take care of that nice older man, dear," smiled Helen.

"True! I'm not usually into ass-fucking guys but damn he was tight. And he signed off on all the insurance right after I filled him with cum," bragged Jason.

"You know what would be fun?" Helen sat up, an excited look in her bright green eyes. "You should do a stand up set, Sean! Specific to our group! Think how dirty and nasty you could get! What do you think?"

"Well," I hesitated, not sure if I was ready to combine my two worlds. Helen's hand slowly creeping up my thigh to my recovering cock convinced me to at least think about it. Jason's hand on my other thigh clinched the deal. "Oh what the hell, let's do it. Who knows when I'll get an opportunity to make people laugh and get horny at the same time?!"

Three months later, I was standing in the wings, waiting for my cue. I admit I was a little nervous. I'd be doing stand up for years, never getting to the next level of TV or movies. I did well enough to stay employed but this was definitely a first.

"And now, for something a little different, please welcome a fellow swinger and a naughty son of a bitch to the stage to bring you a few laughs, Sean Logue!"

Walking out to decent applause, I scanned the crowd. I'd never had an audience showing so much skin or wearing so much leather before. It was amazing. I knew this was going to be fun.

(I won't bore you with throwing in when people laughed or didn't laugh during my set. I'll just present my routine and you can judge for yourself.)

---

"Thank you everyone, thank you. You know, the first thing they teach you to get over stage fright is to picture your audience naked. I never thought it would actually come true! Or with this many pierced nipples!

I have been in the lifestyle for years and I've always loved it. But my first time having sex, I really didn't know what I was doing. My partner wasn't much help, but then how much can a sheep do, really? I was like, hey, you like that baby? She would just go baaaaaa. I figured that was good enough. To this day I get hard just being near a thick wool scarf. And cardigans, holy fuck, don't get me started.

My first time with a girl was also a challenge. I was like, "Say baaaa bitch, say it! Say it!"

It took a while to learn what to do. I was lucky that my neighbor was a good-looking older woman and I used to mow her lawn to make extra money. One day she brought me inside the house. She took off all her clothes, laid on her couch and showed me her hairy pussy. She said, "How about you take care of this lawn first?" I said you got it! I had to clear away so much bush to get to her pussy, I finally had to bring in the weed trimmer just to get to her clit.

When I got to college I finally felt like I knew what I was doing but never got enough sex. My roommate and I would hang out and jerk off to porn when we couldn't get a date. One night I brought a girl home to our room and my buddy was jerking off to some porn. I was like, hey man, you mind? He was like, no it's cool, you guys won't bother me. I told him to piss off but my date heard me wrong and said did you just say he could piss on me? I said, oh shit! And she said well make up your mind already, one or the other!

My last girlfriend was a kinky little slut. She liked me to tie her up all the time. One time I tied her up with her legs spread wide, her pussy dripping, a ball gag in her mouth and clothespins on her tits. Holy crap, did that coffee shop manager get mad! I was like, hey, I need the Wi-Fi for the webcam feed, man! Whatever happened to customer service? That's what I want to know.

The first time I met her family was a little weird. I mean, how do you talk with a girl's parents after you just fucked their daughter up the ass? Fortunately they'd seen the webcast so I didn't have to explain myself. I was like, phew! That could have been awkward!

That night my girlfriend asked me if it felt weird having sex in her parents' house. I said it was fine with me but high-fiving her mom after every orgasm was kind of distracting. They were very supportive parents.

We ended up breaking up though after I came home and found her with five guys just gang banging the shit out of her. I mean, I was shocked! I had told her ten guys minimum. Minimum! It's always lack of communication that ruins relationships, isn't it?

We did try couples counseling. My girlfriend told the counselor that once a month I would tie her up, fuck her senseless, cum all over her, have my friends come over, fuck her and cum all over her, all while calling her dirty names. The therapist was shocked and asked me to explain myself. I said, hey, look, it's not that I don't love her and I am truly sorry but I just can't do that every week any more. She's just too demanding!

So we broke up but she kept texting me pictures of herself naked and having sex with other guys until finally I was like hey, babe, get your own website okay? I can't keep reposting all these!

But hey, it's all good. I still have my job, which I love. I mean, I travel the country, meet interesting people and cum on them. It's a good life.

Before I go, I want to tell you about this girl I met the other week. She came up to me after a show and said she loved my act, that she had both of my CDs and that I totally made her laugh. Then she whispered in my ear that she laughed so much she had an orgasm. I was like, holy cow, that's awesome! I finally sold some CDs!

So she brought me back to her place. We both undressed and made wild passionate love. Afterwards, we were lying there and I started running my hand lightly over her skin. She said, stop that tickles! I said, I thought you liked to laugh. She said, well not like that! I'm not usually ticklish. Oh yea? So if I used a feather on you, you wouldn't laugh? She pouted a little but then said no, she wouldn't laugh.

So I got a feather from this vase she had and I started running it up and down her skin. She was gritting her teeth, trying not laugh but finally she couldn't help it and started to giggle. I kept it up and she began to laugh. She started laughing harder and harder until finally I reached down and rubbed her clit once and she exploded in an amazing orgasm. She lay there panting and said oh my god. I can't believe you made me cum that hard with just a feather. I said, that's nothing, wait until I get the whole chicken!

I'm Sean Logue, thank you everyone and have a great fucking conference!"

---

I walked off stage to applause and found Helen and Jason waiting for me, happily jumping up and down with excitement.

"That went great!" gushed Helen. "I knew this was a good idea! It's about time people remembered you can combine sex and kink and still have a good laugh without making it seem like a horrible thing. You were great!"

I smiled and said it was my pleasure. As I felt Helen unbuckle my pants and watched her slide down to her knees, I realized that as good as her mouth was going to feel around my cock, nothing ever felt as good as that laughter on stage. But it was pretty fucking close.