"Welcome viewers to a very special evening on the Home Value Network! We have bargains galore for you tonight -- and more than a few surprises!" For Jon Yardley, the on-air host for the television shopping channel, every night was a 'special' night, but even he had no idea of the surprises in store for April first.
Gary, the senior camera man for the network stifled a yawn as the handsome, almost too good looking host began to embellish the litany of products and special offers which lay ahead for the audience that evening.
Jon continued, "Our guest this evening is none other than that famous French chef Jean-Raoul, and I understand that he has brought his new line of drink mixes designed to make a master mixologist out of everyone, so let's have a big HVN welcome for Jean-Raoul!"
Gary zoomed in on Jon's left side, the side he always said was his best side and waited for the canned applause from the studio technician's machine to die down. Dave wondered if Jon would ever get a guest's name right and was tempted to get a shot of the chef's expression as Jon pronounced the name as something like 'Jan-Rawl'. What the hell, it wasn't the guys real name anyway. Gary had heard he had changed it from Jim-Bob or something after he had worked in as a short order cook in a diner. The two looked like they were meant for each other, neither was quite what they appeared to be.
Off to Gary's left, where the glare from the studio lights obscured her from being seen from the set stood another of the HVN stable of personalities, Candi Beck-Yardley. She had her own show coming up in a few hours -- the "Fitness Focus" with everything you needed to lose those extra pounds and look sexy while doing it. Gary thought it was odd to see her, she had rarely visited Jon's show, even when their marriage had been good. Of course, those two weeks had passed quickly, and after the hype of their on-air wedding, somehow HVN had never quite gotten around to announcing their separation. There were still grandmothers calling in to see if Candi and Jon were 'expecting'. Gary thought of the demon spawn that might come from such a union and shivered. Then he focused back on the set for the start of the sell.
"It's great to see you again John-Roll" Jon gushed. They had met for the first time about twenty minutes before when the pseudo French chef had arrived at the studio. "What have you brought us tonight?" He asked as if he didn't know. Maybe he didn't, after all he did have the attention span slightly less than a twelve year old child on Christmas morning.
Gary had seen this before. Let's just hope he remembers the call in number this time. Last week he had given out the competitions' number and a month ago he gave out a phone sex number. That actually got some decent ratings, which actually had given Gary the idea for tonight's special prank. He had been planning to leave HVN, and he figured this might be the perfect way to go out with a bang. The other staff hustled around as the show started up again.
"As you know, I am here with my new home bartending kit -- not just for any drinks, but for those special ones. Perfect for those little paper umbrellas, which of course, come in the kit!" Jean-Raoul was laying on the fake French accent a bit thick, either that or he had one hell of a cold in that big red nose of his. "What we have done is tested all the recipes and boiled then down to their simplest form. Each of our kits is centered around one special fruit. And they don't have to be made only with alcohol, they can stand alone as a non-alcoholic libation."
Jon broke into his guest's description. He had been silent about as long as Gary had ever seen him. "I'll bet that was fun - testing all those recipes! And speaking of testing, why don't we do that right now. But only the non-alcoholic variety, I've got a show to do here."
"Right." Gary muttered as he moved to get a better angle on the product. This would be the first time the show stopped Jon from a little 'toddy for the body' on the show.
"So, what should we try first, John-Paul?" Maybe he had sampled the stuff before the show. "What's in that green box?"
Jean-Raoul ignored the name change and held up a metallic green box which played havoc with Gary's monitor. No product close-up on that, he thought. Anyone with astigmatism or a tendency to be motion sick would already have punched the clicker button. Despite sixty years of technology, a simple herringbone pattern or heavy stripe pattern could still give the television camera fits in transmission. "Ah, a good choice. The green is our lime delights. With it you have everything to make such specialties as lime rickeys, margaritas, daquiris and many other tropical treasures."
Jon's face lit up "I could certainly go for a gimlet, that's lime, isn't it?" He mugged for the camera.
Jean-Raoul shot him a look of disgust before continuing. "Well, yes and no. You see, our mix is pure fresh lime. Squeezed the very way it was intended. To make a gimlet, you the processed lime juice that comes in a bottle. There is a big difference as my good friend Victor J. Bergeron always used to tell me."
Well, at least the guy had some credentials for hawking drink mixes, Gary thought. Probably only a few barflies and trivia buffs would have recognized the real name of Trader Vic who had popularized many of the fruity exotic drinks that appeared in these mixes. For the record, Gary was not a trivia buff.
Candi was still watching from the shadows. Gary just figured that maybe there was still a little ember burning for Jon. But Gary had other things on his mind. He had made sure that the set for tonight had plenty of real booze in the bottles and for a great April Fool's Day show he had hired a number of women from the local college to help be models for the upcoming "Fitness Focus". He had expressly noted in the ad that some nudity may be involved, and if that deterred any applicants, he sure couldn't tell. He had had a great time reviewing the applications and had ten very excited women waiting in the wings.
