She Said 5

(This was given to me by a friend to publish. I have only edited for grammar and added two words "Or hers.")

How to communicate effectively with a woman, and significantly increase the amount and intensity of booty you get.

There are some simple hacks to communicating with your girlfriend, wife, booty call.

1) Never interrupt when she's telling you about her tough day at work. Your day was just as shit, but who would want to bring that up again? Yes, a woman would, and not only will she raise the subject; thereby delaying your dinner (and sex), but she will cut it into microscopic pieces for you.

Sadly, you will have to really focus for the first three or so complaints. If you do not, that's strike one. Luckily if you listen with attention to the first three and offer well thought out questions and suggestions, she will assume you're along for the ride and you may return to grunting everytime you hear silence.

You need to check your timing on this.

If the grunt shortly follows the end of her in-depth analysis, you're on track and may continue to problems number 2 and 3 before it will become absolutely necessary to refocus again.

If you get it wrong and there is more than a quarter second of silence before you grunt, good luck, it was nice knowing you. You have failed test 1 and she is onto you. The only salvation is a brilliant response that shows how deeply you were thinking about this problem.

2. Offer to help with dinner. This hack, like the kitchen is fraught with sharp, pointy things that will stab you if you don't pay attention.

Offering to pay for take out is..... Well, fraught with sharp, pointy things. If she's on a diet, it's a no-no because you full-heartedly (fool) agreed that take-out stays out. Unless you order salads for both of you with some wine to wash it down, you will be bleeding soon.

Offering to help cook dinner, is slightly safer because only an idiot would start a fight with a woman with real knives around. FUN FACT: Most homicidal women tend to favor knives instead of guns.

Offering to make dinner and bring her a glass of wine while she relaxes in the bath will hasten your climax along by hours. P. S. Salad, salad, salad, unless otherwise prescribed.

3. READERS QUESTION ANSWERED.

Q: Why can't I just take her in my arms, whisper sweet nothings and guide her to the bedroom?

Noob mistake. Before she can do anything else, she must unload her stress, make sure all living things are fed, and go through great angst deciding what to wear to work tomorrow and to bed tonight.

Some of this can routine can be shortened by a crutch, such as a double-something-very-strong and a splash of water. You might also feel it prudent to refill her glass the moment it gets halfway down. Also, salad, salad, salad, will cut out cooking time and don't suggest "wear nothing to bed". She will know what you're after and lock up like Fort Knox.

4. Chores. Everybody hates them. Women too. Sometimes it's a clever idea to plan for booty while disguising it as something else. Like chores. Twenty minutes per day, doing some inane thing that you think will not move you one dot closer to cumming like a champ, but it will! Some very smart men over the ages have proved you wrong.

Twenty minutes of rug cleaning (not that rug and not with his tongue, but he got a lot more of that rug and with his tongue) was the difference between Bill Simmons once weekly and three times a week. Paul Hogue took over dishwasher duties and his ejaculation rate sky rocketed from 3 times a week to 7! (With his wife - without his wife remained the standard 335 times a week as reported by Pornhub)

King Alfred the Great (this is in books folks) plied the queen with wine and hot baths and he was soon getting it more often than food, especially when he began the same treatment with his mistresses. He wasn't called "The Great" for no reason.

5. And on the subject of chores, you can be more forthright and just be an animal and push her pussy against the washing machine. Pin her there until she gives in, and she will. There is also that vacuum cleaner and a plethora of objects in the kitchen and bathroom you can put to use between her legs.

6. Be a great closer. Not when you're cumming! Before, when she made you use your words. Listen, focus, grunt, and then take control if she lets you and formally end the whining session with unzipping her skirt or pants and letting your fingers do the talking.

If she's feeding the world, feed the little critters in your house even faster, and let her know who is hungry next by pushing up behind her and letting her feel your hard on.

Dinner angst? Love is food! Telling her your cock will fill her mouth to her stomach and her pussy is just arrogant. So say it while rubbing her clit furiously, she will not give a damn what you say then, just do it faster and harder.

(Only fools don't get a food delivery set to arrive approximately twenty minutes after your last climax. Or hers.)

6. THINGS MEN DON'T WANT TO HEAR, BECAUSE IT SCARES THEM SHITLESS

"I'm pregnant."

"I feel like our marriage has hit a dead end." These words only count if she's holding a murder weapon in a threatening way.

"Not tonight."

"Never again!"

If she says she's pregnant, you have two choices. Nuff said.

Holding a rotisserie skewer and looking at your cock, while saying "I think - blah blah." Why are you still standing there? Run mate! And change your name and wear a wig until it's safe.

"Not tonight." The point of this guide. To help you make not-tonight - tonight!

"Never again!" Give those swing clubs and threesomes a wide berth or you won't get it again. From her. Introduce romance ( Twenty quid at the florist's gets you roses sent every Monday for a month. Don't forget, Monday. After shamelessly shagging her Sunday night. If you don't know what a Pavlovian response is, you're too young to be on this site so bugger off.) Introduce wine, even better go for German gluhwein. Introduce massages. If you really want her, never can be a long time.

Good luck.