Sex Trek

Sex Trek Episode 1 – Back in the Saddle Again

Sex Trek 6969696969 to infinite…I am Captain Freddy T Qirk of the Star Ship Sexerprise. Our mission, besides stealing this killer ship from base, and making years of excuses why we never come back (out of cell phone range, static, and shit like that) or until the weed wears out, is to find new species of babes and bang them, to find strange new civilizations for growing more weed so we can keep heading out on this kick ass voyage, and to boldly blow our load each chance we can get. Hit the background music…

Freddy’s log…nice and firm…we’ve come upon a brand new planet uncharted on the map I picked up at Wall fart. Mr. Cock…report…

We are having Meatloaf today…

No I mean about that planet on the view screen…

But “Bat out of Hell” is one of your favorite…

Good point…ok…let me ask my favorite female doctor Bones…what do you make of this?

Definitely nice and firm…mind if I?

Go a…Head…Slutty…what’s the status on the engines?

Another bottle of beer on the wall…

Slutty…report…

Meatloaf today…hic…

Oh’whorah…take us down…

Just you and Bones Captain? I thought you said I’d get an ensign thrown in as well…

Sorry Oh’whorah…Captain’s orders…

Captain?

What is it Mr. Cock?

We are being hailed from the planet…

Isn’t hail basically ice?

Yes…

And won’t our ships deflector beams protect us against any 1-inch ice pieces the planet may be throwing at us?

Sounds logical…

And am I not getting a blowjob from Bones as well as engaging Oh’whorah in some sex at the moment…

A human emotion no doubt…

Right…so tell those little ice bangers…that I’m busy…

Two minutes later…

(Boom)

Ah shit…who fuckin’ shot at the ship?

Shields integrity at 20% and falling…

Slutty…quick…cut off life support and switch it to the shields…we need a few more minutes…

Defensive maneuvers?

No Mr. Cock…I just want to have a second orgasm…

Humans…

Shields integrity at –90%…

Lirvnolxdm;dnlk…webulnoeln…oh yeah…status Mr. Cock…

We have no shields and the engines are off line…power is down to 10%…

Hey people what’s happening?

Quick rechannel the remaining power to the amps…Meatloaf is here…

A few minutes later…

…well it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night…

Captain…the Aliens on the planet have powered down. How come?

Part of my strategy Mr. Cock…I figure if I beam down a free concert for them to hear…they’ll see we are mellow dudes at heart…

Mmmmm…impressive strategy Captain…

Please take an away team of guy ensigns and sell some Meatloaf concert shirts as we do get a 60% cut…

Anything else…

Yeah…take these backstage transporter passes and hand them out to any hot alien babes…especially the four titty varieties…

Very Well…

And thus ends another adventure from the Star Ship Sexerprise…

Sex Trek 2 - Klingonthis

Captain's log...you know it babe. We received a report from Federation about a strange disturbance in the ionic sphere and decided to blow it off and head in the opposite direction.

Fred...according to my readings we will be passing through Klingonthis space in a few minutes. Do you think that's wise?

Let me see...nope it's Doritos’s. Good point Mr. Cock.

Captain?

What is it Oh'Whorah?

Our short-range scanners are picking up a bird of prey.

Tell it to visit a synagogue…next…

Fred...

Hi sexy lady Bones?

Yep...I'm trippin' out weeee...

Captain?

What now Mr. Cock?

The National Organization of Women

Do my medical malpractice ears deceive me or Mr. Cock, did you just try to crack a joke you ole Vulcano you?

Nope...jokes are human emoticons Bones...

Fred...Mr. Cock has a hard on...get a load of this...

No thanks Bones...I'm a giving person but not when it comes to loads of spunk...

Suddenly a Klingonthis comes on the view screen.

Hey who changed the channel?

This is lxdodmrL"jlcgfm of the Klingonthis Empire...we have you in our sights Sexerprise…

And I am captain Fred T Qirk of the USS Sexerprise...and we are on many websites…

You die today Qirk!

As long as it’s a low carb diet…

Fred…awaiting your orders…

Hmmmm…make it an open faced cheeseburger Mr. Cock…and will someone get Bones some booze as she seems to have run out…Slutty how are the engines holding?

Another bottle of beer on the wall…

Slutty…you said that last episode…

Sorry Captain…but she’s giving all she got…

But we ain’t moving…

I mean the ensign…she’s giving oral to us all in engin…hic…eering..

Fred…

What Mr. Cock?

Defensive maneuvers are prudent Captain…

Well I ain’t no prude Mr. Cock..

Captain?

What Oh’whorah?

The Klingonthis’s bird of prey has vanished…

No doubt a religious experience…Mr. Cock send out a photon torpedo at these coordinates…

But Fred…

Trust me…

Suddenly the Klingonthis ship gets a direct hit…

Curses Qirk…how did you spot us?

Should I tell him Mr. Cock?

Yes sir…

Well this whole episode was in the hollodeck…and none of this was real…

So what you are saying is that this whole post was made up as a sort of humorous relief?

Yep…cheap shot artist as I am…that was the case…

But Captain…the hollodeck is part of Sex Trek: the Sex Generation…

So what are you saying Mr. Cock?

That none of this is post could have possibly happened…

So are you suggesting that I’m totally blitzed on drugs?

That would be logical…

And with that I awake with one hell of a headache…

Computer…did federation send us some orders to investigate some bionic sphere or something?

Yes…but I told them that we switched to Version and the reception stinks…

Cool…what a relief…hey what’s this bag of Doritos’s doing here? Fuck an-A Mr. Cock doesn’t know jack shit.

More to come…

Sex Trek 3 - Don't Fear the Reaper

A direct hit has been landed and I think I’m done for. I look over at Mr. Cock, cold and collective in his typical Vulcano fashion, as he too knows this is the end of Fred T Qirk. As I brace myself for the inevitable a miracle happens (or is it slight of hand?) and I escape once again. And with all my resources I propose a counterstrike.

G-4…

Hit. You sunk my battleship.

Good game Mr. Cock.

Captain?

What is it Oh’Whorah?

Reaper vessel approaching at warp 7…at this rate he’ll intercept us in 2 minutes…

Reaper vessel? This is puzzling Captain…why would the most feared and deadliest assassin be on our trail?

Well he is an ass ya know…

Captain…what have you gotten yourself into this time?

But how was I to know that my King high was gonna be beat by a straight?

And what exactly did you wager Fred?

Well the ship naturally and I raised with a few choice joints as well…

And I take it you didn’t pay…

Slipped my mind…

And he is here to collect…

Time to intercept is 60 seconds…

Well I say we fight it out and if need be I’m willing to go down toking…

Well considering how advanced the Reaparian weaponry is to ours, I think we have slim to no chance…

Captain…you are being hailed…I mean called…

I’ll be there in 2 seconds…

60 seconds later…

How dare you keep me waiting Qirk!

Hey Reaper…I was just gonna call you…

Time is up Qirk of Earth…I am here to collect on a debt…

Yeah…but I was going to show you how to double your money…

It won’t work Qirk of Earth…I demand either payment in full willingly or we’ll take it by force…

Captain we’ve been caught in a tractor beam…

Ok…guess they leave us no choice…computer start the self-destruct sequence…alpha 69…beta 69…voice-activated protocol…Qirk…Fred T Qirk…

Self-destruct is in 3 minutes…

Well Reaper you’re too late…we’re gonna blow up and take you with us…

You wouldn’t dare…

2 minutes and 45 seconds and counting…

Now would I? You can have our ship and my joints for around 2 minutes and then we all go bye bye…Be seeing you…

Curses…

A transporter beam brings Reaper over to the ship of the Sexerprise.

OK…you pointed ear Vulcano…and don’t try any cock meld on me…where is Qirk?

Qirk? I think he just left…

Self-destruction in 2 minutes…

Where did Qirk leave?

Well he just transported over to your ship. Unless I’m mistaken he’ll be taking it over about now…

My men will never follow him…

Well once Fred drops the joint bombs in the air duct…you’ll discover how persuasive mellow soldiers can really be…

Well we’ll see about that…transporter…beam me back…

Like wow Reaper leader…like the floor is spinning or somethin’…

Beam me back now you buffoon…

Sorry again Reap’…’punters crankin’ out munchies…call me back…I gonna take a piss…

Self-destruct in 90 seconds…

Fred…

Hey Cocky…what’s happening?

The Sexerprise is gonna blow up in 80 seconds…and so are you I might add…

Yeah…there’s this chic and if I play my cards right I’ll be getting a blow job in less then that…

Captain…this is Bones…get your ass back here or no more blow jobs from me…

Oh come on Bones you sexy doctor lady…you’ll always be my gal…

Not in 70 seconds I won’t…

I could do a lot with you in 70 seconds ya know babe…

Captain? I must insist that you return at once…

Sorry Cockman…this chic is hot…

Captain…this is Reaper…I’ll release you from your debt so long as you don’t blow both our ships up…

55 seconds to self destruct…

Don’t know ‘bout that Reaper…how ‘bout you throw this chic in with the deal…what’s your name sweaty?

Reapa Macintosh…

That’s my sister…no deal…

45 seconds to self destruct…

Well…be seeing you then…Qirk is…

Wait…ok…I give you my word…

35 seconds to self destruct…

Word…is that ok?

Yes…Captain…according to Reaparian a word from the Reaper though perverted is always acceptable…

25 seconds to self-destruct…

All right…hey Slutty…this is Qirk…

Another bottle of beer on the wall…

Slutty…this is Bones…get your ass in gear and get the Captain and his lady friend back…

15 seconds to self destruct…

Hey Captain…is she a hottie?

Damn straight…

Captain…now (x10)!

Hey Captain?

What Slutty?

You want me to beam you back…or…hic…

7 seconds…

Or…

Should I just replay the self-destruct tape…?

Ah…shit…just play the tape back I’m gonna grab some of Reaper’s cigars…

Self destruct recording has been completed…to replay press the pound key…

To be continued…